<p>When your child turns eighteen, what new privileges and responsibilities are they given? When do you think it’s time to treat them as an adult. What age will you stop wanting to give them permission to go out or giving them a curfew? I’m asking these questions because I’ve noticed it differs from parent to parent. I’m turning eighteen next month, and I feel like I’m treated like a twelve year old. Thoughts?</p>
<p>Numbers mean very little. I’ve met 18 year old kids who act like 12 year olds. And 12 year olds who are more responsible than plenty of adults. Different treatment for different levels of real maturity.</p>
<p>“I’m turning eighteen next month, and I feel like I’m treated like a twelve year old.”</p>
<p>What have you done in the past that made your parents treat you as “a twelve year old” now?</p>
<p>18 changed absolutely nothing in my house. To my parents, you are not an adult until at least one of the following is satisfied:</p>
<p>A) You are living on your own and fully financially independent</p>
<p>or </p>
<p>B) You are a gainfully employed college graduate, working towards being financially independent.</p>
<p>I have satisfied the second criteria, still working on the first one. I had a curfew and had to ask permission to go out until I was 22 years old, when I graduated. I was never in trouble for anything a day in my life, it wasn’t an issue of trust, but that’s just how my family operates. That’s how it is when you need other peoples money to support yourself! My younger sister, who admittedly is more of a wild child, is 18 and the rules are a little less strict for her but are still along the same lines. That’s just how it is here.</p>
<p>I agree that numbers mean very little and it is based on maturity. I’m just wondering among the CC parents, do you give your children new privileges and responsibilities when they turn eighteen and if you do what are they? </p>
<p>"I was never in trouble for anything a day in my life, it wasn’t an issue of trust, but that’s just how my family operates. "</p>
<p>This is what I mean. That’s how it is with my family. It’s not that I’ve gone out and lost their trust, this is just they way they’ve always been.</p>
<p>The government may choose to reward longevity with privilege. In the real world, privilege is earned.</p>
<p>(Sorry OP, I realize you weren’t really looking for a philosophical response.)</p>
<p>Well, when I was 12, I received a signed blank check every day, went to school, came home, did the grocery shopping, cooked dinner, did my homework, and served dinner for everyone (family of 9). After dinner, helped anyone who needed help with homework, proofread and typed papers for everyone in the family and got ready for the next day. I also brought home straight A report cards. I didn’t complain about my treatment and was given a lot of freedom then and thereafter. Was too tired to go out or worry about any curfew.
College was a considerable lightening of my load. I only had to take care of myself and was actually PAID to do a fraction of the things I had done for my family with no thought of payment. I could choose whether to accept tutoring of people who had not prepared or decline it and got to have a LOT more choice over my workload.</p>
<p>No one in our family got privileges just because they reached a certain numerical age. I acted differently and was treated differently because I earned it. I have no regrets and even 40 years later, my parents are still grateful that I stepped up when they needed me to (even though I had an older brother and sister, neither of which lent a hand).</p>
<p>Let’s see:</p>
<p>At 18, you can get a checking account without your parent’s signature, and you probably should because you will need it for college. You can also register to vote, which you may or may not care about. You don’t need your parents’ permission for anything medical anymore, but they’ll know whether you went to the doctor anyway because of the insurance records. You can buy cigarettes legally (but I hope you don’t smoke). If you’re a guy, you have to register with Selective Service.</p>
<p>That’s pretty much all that 18 means outside of the family.</p>
<p>Within the family, for my two kids, turning 18 was not accompanied by any new responsibilities or privileges. The real changes came when they went to college. Somehow, it seemed more natural for changes to accompany that major change in lifestyle rather than an arbitrary birthday. </p>
<p>I don’t remember treating my daughter any differently during her last semester of high school than the way I had treated my son at the same point in his education. But she was not yet 18 at that time (she didn’t turn 18 until August, two weeks before leaving for college), and he had turned 18 near the beginning of that semester. It didn’t seem to make a difference.</p>
<p>Do you think it would have been more appropriate for my daughter, in her last semester of high school, to have different responsibilities and privileges than her brother had had during his last semester, just because she was not 18 at the time and he was? I’m asking this seriously – the thought of treating her differently did not occur to me at the time, but perhaps it should have.</p>
<p>When my boys turned 18 nothing changed at home, but I warned them that in the eyes of the law they could be considered adults, so they needed to be aware of that. Specifically I warned them about the legal risk of having sex with a younger girl. There are other risks as well, but I wanted them to be aware of that one in particular.</p>
<p>18 in my household means:</p>
<p>•required to work and/or go to college full-time</p>
<p>•required to buy/pay for everything for myself that isn’t shared with the family (food, laundry detergent, majority if not all of college, phone bill, my share of vacations, etc)</p>
<p>•no curfew or television restrictions, although it’s common in my household to wait until younger children are in bed or in a different room before watching inappropriate programming and telling where we are and when, as a courtesy</p>
<p>•pretty much unrestricted dating</p>
<p>•warning from parents we can get kicked out any time for being disrespectful, breaking rules, smoking, drinking, etc</p>
<p>•no more meals from parents, unless it is a special occasion or one of the rare times they offer to buy a meal (which is no problem for me because I cook meals for my family now)</p>
<p>•no more monitoring of our finances, but we can’t ask for help if we have little money and we were irresponsible </p>
<p>I can’t think of any others off of the top of my head, but I’m sure there are more.</p>
<p>Like Marian, the real divide is before and after college. For the rest, we never had curfews, but did discuss plans ahead of time and requested updates if they were changed. At least in high school weeknights (when he didn’t have school but I had work) he was asked to come home early enough that I got a full night’s sleep.</p>
<p>It means get out! Just kidding.</p>
<p>Husband and I haven’t been 18 in a long time, but we still ask permission and come home at night.</p>
<p>“Do you think it would have been more appropriate for my daughter, in her last semester of high school, to have different responsibilities and privileges than her brother had had during his last semester, just because she was not 18 at the time and he was?”</p>
<p>Great point! I didn’t think of that.</p>
<p>And Shrinkrap, your post made me laugh.</p>
<p>What about after your child has started college and comes back for the winter holidays. Does their treatment change from how you treated them their senior year of highschool? This is directed to everyone…</p>
<p>My kids joked that at 18 they could:</p>
<p>Get a tattoo
Buy cigarettes
Register to vote
buy a lottery ticket
Get married
order stuff from TV (must be 18 to order)</p>
<p>The only one both have actually done is register to vote.</p>
<p>I did have both sign a release so I could get info re: doctor’s charges, since they are on my insurance. I told them both I would respect their privacy, but learned with the older one that it was difficult to stay on top of any billing issues without the release.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I did all that, plus earned 80% of the household expenses, kept chickens and bees, and grew organic vegetables.</p>
<p>By age 9.</p>
<p>Actually, Sorghum, though it may sound like a tall tale, it is actually how things were at the time. I am glad my kids did not have to grow up as fast or take on as much responsibility as I did at a young age. It does change you and make you VERY different from your peers.</p>
<p>My kids have enjoyed the extra time to play, explore and grow up while they are young. I am very glad of it! </p>
<p>My HS boyfriend had to support his family (himself, parents & younger sister) at age 17/18. He got straight As the 1st term of college while working full-time at McDonalds as an Asst Mgr & then straight Fs & dropped out the 2nd semester. Unfortunately, he never overcame the hardships of so much early responsibility and last I heard was still Asst Mgr at McDonalds many, many decades later, so be careful what you wish.</p>
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<p>It changes, but perhaps not enough for some young people.</p>
<p>One problem is that college students during winter holidays have nothing much to do, but the other members of their households have work or school. If the college student makes noise at night, entertains guests frequently, or wants to have a great deal of access to a shared car, it interferes with the ability of other family members to fulfill their own responsibilities. </p>
<p>What I’m saying is that when you come home for Winter Break, you may not be able to go everywhere you want to or stay out as late as you want to, but it’s not because your parents don’t trust you. It’s because if you behave in this manner, you would be interfering with the lives of the people who still live in your family’s home full time.</p>
<p>Students home for break have to work around the lives of other family members.</p>
<p>In our family, for instance, if a college student home for Winter Break wanted to have access to a car on a weekday, he/she would have to drive me to work in the morning and pick me up at the end of the day. To take me to work, the student would have to be ready to leave the house (and lucid enough to drive) by 7:30 a.m. My kids habitually spent half the night on the Internet during Winter Breaks, so this was rather hard to achieve. They didn’t ask for my car all that often because they didn’t want to get up early, and therefore they spent a lot of days stuck at home with little to do (there is no mass transit serving our neighborhood).</p>
<p>Makes sense! Thank you!</p>
<p>In our family 18 is the age you are officially added to the family foundation board. Which means you are invited to the yearly meetings with the lawyer, accountant, and financial advisor. However, they have the ability to submit ideas for charitable giving with veto power over grants since the foundation was created, when they were 5 and 11.</p>
<p>I’m thrilled that this year our youngest, who has been scrawling the minutes since she was 6, can officially be made the secretary.</p>
<p>^^Yep. Sounds just like my family.</p>