<p>This morning I was shocked to find a message from a casual acquaintance who is asking me for a substantial loan. Not only is this coming out of the blue, but this very person has flaked on prior commitments causing me and other work-team colleagues much aggravation. </p>
<p>Not surprisingly, I refused flat out. </p>
<p>I’m just puzzled by the mindset of folks like him who believe they can waltz up to someone they’ve inconvenienced or otherwise aggravated and expect him/her to be receptive to providing help…especially in the form of a large sum of money. </p>
<p>IME, if you’ve flaked out or otherwise aggravated the other person…asking them for a loan or substantial help is not only likely a waste of time…but the equivalent of rubbing further salt into the wounds of those one has flaked out on/aggravated on prior occasions. </p>
<p>What’s more puzzling is that he’s in his 50’s and doesn’t seem to be doing it to aggravate me specifically as he’s done the same thing with all of his friends from what they’ve told me.</p>
<p>There are some people that forget, or, worse yet, don’t realize they “flaked” on a prior commitment. One of my kids is that way. They need to be reminded. </p>
<p>Then you’ve got the people who are just plain brazen. My brother-in-law is a perfect example. He called recently, asking us to cosign on a mortgage. When H started giving reasons why BIL shouldn’t be buying the property, BIL mentioned, “If I get this mortgage, I know I can pay you back some of the other money I own you.” H said that statement made him think the guy is desperate, as well as an idiot.</p>
<p>You know the old expression - nothing ventured, nothing gained.</p>
<p>What was the worst that could happen. He probably expected you to say no, but if you said yes - bonus for him! He had very little to lose and everything to gain by asking you. </p>
<p>It’s one thing to put that old expression with complete strangers on things like CL/bargaining negotiations. It’s another to pull that on someone you’ve known/had prior dealings with…especially if we have close friends in common.</p>
<p>And that guy wonders why no one is willing to go out of their way to help him…especially when he/his family seem to go from one problem to another…half of which are self-inflicted. </p>
<p>:(</p>
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<p>I’ve had such calls from an older cousin who could be a long lost twin of that in-law. Instant he asks for such favors, I just hang up the phone.</p>
<p>It may be desperation. If he needs the money for something very serious, he may be asking anyone and everyone, and at that point he wouldn’t care how it comes across - he just needs the money.</p>
<p>I agree with the [nothing to lose] motivation.</p>
<p>I had a guy ask me to loan him some money to pay an IRS bill. I suggested that he just work out a payment plan with the IRS but he wanted to settle with the IRS and be over it. I never saw a cent on the loan. The guy was a Deacon in our church and eventually went to study to become a minister.</p>
<p>At that point, I determined that a loan to a friend should be treated as a gift to a friend - basically don’t expect it to come back. With friends today, sometimes I borrow a little money or a can of tennis balls. Friends borrow things too. But we’re all pretty quick to pay things back. In my current group of friends, nobody wants to be in debt to someone else.</p>
<p>If someone from the past asked, I would consider the loan based on their character; I would always assume that they weren’t going to pay it back.</p>
<p>I haven’t had any one ask me for loans but I do seem to attract what I call the “drama moms” that ask for outrageous favors. They are usually self absorbed and feel like the world owes them something.</p>
<p>I once had a woman I barely knew call me from EGYPT to see if I could take her kids (that she left at home with her ex) to a weekend swim meet that started the next day. The sad thing is that drama moms usually have nice kids.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t dare ask a drama mom for a favor because I know they would never follow through. It took me a few times to learn my lesson.</p>
<p>He’s probably challenged in the “emotional intelligence” department and doesn’t totally realize that he’s being a jerk. Either that, or it’s the blindness brought on by narcissism.</p>
<p>What drives the motivation to ask? It really is the “nothing ventured, nothing gained”. It appears from studies that more people are driven to say “yes” to make themselves look good/feel better than say “no” and feel like a baddie no matter how unreasonable a request may be.</p>
<p>That’s the thing…the substantial sum isn’t for something I’d or many people I know would consider to be important…prom spending money for their kid. </p>
<p>That’s an odd one as neither I nor most of my HS classmates had prom pocket money beyond the high priced prom tickets…much less pocket money in the the sum of just around half a grand. </p>
<p>If I wanted/needed around half a grand in pocket money back when I was a 17 yr old HS senior, most of us would be getting some odd/part-time jobs to cobble up that amount. </p>
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<p>And the “character” issue is one of the key reasons why I turned him down flat.</p>
<p>Some people just have no shame. So, why not ask? What the heck.</p>
<p>I had a BIL like this. When he had no money, he apparently called many separate relatives (but, thankfully, not his brother, my DH) and asked them. We heard about it from two of the relatives a few months later. We don’t really know how many relatives total he asked.</p>
<p>Wait… someone completely unrelated to you asked for $500 so that his child can have more fun at the prom??</p>
<p>I love reading about wackadoos. Between this and the dorm room decorator in the other thread, my family and friends are looking more and more normal. :p</p>
<p>And he’s not even a close acquaintance…much less a friend. Only reasons why I know about him and his family is that we share some close friends. Fortunately, most of them already know this tendency of his…</p>
<p>A friend who asks for money the way/frequency he does with his friends will quickly become an ex-friend with me.</p>
<p>What drives them? Same thing as what drives spammers - if you throw a whole bunch of spaghetti against the wall, some will stick. These characters cast really wide fishing nets and hope that someone will fall for their tearful pleas.</p>
<p>I know someone like this. These people think that we have so much more than they do that we won’t miss the 500 dollars that we lend them. To them, we are selfish if we are not willing to part with this trivial amount. An amount that, to them, is the difference between happiness and misery.</p>
<p>Since I live with a personality disordered person, I would venture this guess: this person knows you’ll carry his weight (I’m reading between the lines here – when he flaked out on the work commitment, did you or the team do his work for him?) So he knows you’ll cover for him? In his mind, maybe you’re a good target for further assistance.</p>
<p>Or he’s just totally inured to any and all burdens he places on others and no one has ever called him on his behavior so he’s just being consistent.</p>
<p>We had no choice but to complete his portion of the project. However, we didn’t “cover for him” as we reported the flaking out to our immediate supervisor. As a result of the severity of that flakeout, said flake was terminated not too long afterwards. </p>
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<p>That’s really odd considering he knew our team played a part in his termination from that employer.</p>