What have you told your kid about life after college?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Our ds is graduating this May and has applications in for grad school. We are grappling with the issue of how much support we should offer him. Even though he is a compsci major the programs he has applied to to(comp game development) does not offer a lot of finaid. And of course our “head in the clouds” son thought USC was a public university!!! He does have about $50,000 remaining in his college fund for grad school but I was hoping that he would have that available for purchase of a townhouse once he is on his own. </p>

<p>For students entering the work force, we parents should definitely encourage them to live on their own, even if it means taking on roommates to share housing costs. However one of the evils of mountainous college load debt is that even this is sometimes not possible.</p>

<p>The softee in me is inclined to continue paying for things like cell phone, med/car insurance and housing rent while he is still in college. But definitely cutting all support off at that first job offer which should be in the $60-70,000 range, about the same as our retirement income needs.</p>

22

<p>We’ll pay for all education expenses (including grad school) but that’s it. School’s over and its time to launch. We’re big fans of independence, and I really hope that they want to go out and see what the big wide world has to offer.</p>

23

<p>S1 has two part-time jobs and not much income. He’s trying to get a FT job in his field and, I expect, will eventually do so. In the meantime, I pay for his health insurance (essential!) and loaned him a car, which he needs for his job. (So I pay for the insurance on that too; he pays for gas and other maintenance.) I also pay for his ticket when he comes to visit. But he pays for rent, food, etc. </p>

<p>He’s applied to a particular FT job half an hour from home, and I told him he could live at home and pay modest rent in order to save his $$$. First he has to get the job, so we’ll see how that goes. It would be fun to have him at home, but I’d expect a grown-up to be living there, not a kid. I think it would work.</p>

<p>He knows that grad school is on him. But he’s coming out of undergrad with no loans, so I don’t feel bad about that at all.</p>

<p>We gave him a good-sized check for college graduation. He knows that he should be relatively on his own right now, but he also knows we’re there for him if he needs us.</p>

24

<p>We started getting the message out to S#1 by junior year of college. We would continue to fund his expensive college education, but he was on his own for grad school. He was fortunate to receive a fully funded opportunity in a Ph.D. program which comes with a modest stipend. He’s living in a very small studio apt. in a big city and does not seem to be starving. My H’s perspective is that S needs to understand that the field he plans on, academia, is not a high paying one and he has to become accustomed to a modest lifestyle. We do pay for his cell phone ($10 a month-big deal), he is welcome to borrow a car when he is home on any break, and we did tell him that whenever he wants to come home, we will pick up the tab for transportation. I am sure we would not turn our backs if he needed financial help for some reason, though.</p>

25

<p>My parents paid for college and (some) grad school living expenses (car payments, insurance, what-have-you, though I took care of rent and utilities, as well as the new laptop that I bought for taking notes). I paid for my own furniture from money saved from tutoring and working various jobs during college, though my parents would frequently buy me gifts of dishes or utensils or other housewares (never asked for, always greatly appreciated). Since getting out on my own, I’ve actually had to rend insurance payments away from my dear ol’ dad by having my insurance agent call my dad’s to transfer my car to my own policy! I might have a little explaining to do when the next premium’s due and it’s for less than he’d expected… Despite my cushy salary, my dad’s still not quite sure what to do with the money that he’s no longer spending on tuitions, so he’s hesitant to let me take care of myself <em>entirely</em>, but I insist on being financially independent.</p>

<p>As soon as I graduated with my masters, the thought didn’t even cross my mind of moving back home. I liked my independence too much, and my two darling cats aren’t exactly welcomed with open arms back home… I got married in January (thanks for the wedding, mom ‘n’ dad!) and I’m supporting the two of us with my structural engineering career until my husband graduates with his doctorate, at which time he’ll start helping out with student loans and living expenses. I’m currently on my family’s cell plan, though as soon as the new iPhones come out, my husband’s getting a new one and I’m taking his old one, and we’ll do a family plan with AT&T. My dad’s been eyeing my husband’s iPhone with a good deal of interest, so we may actually end up adding the rest of my family to my husband’s and my family plan…!</p>

<p>My younger brother, a senior in college, just got a lovely grad school offer (yay!). The past couple of summers, he’s stayed out at college and has landed a couple of very well-paying jobs with various places, doing expert witness stuff for lawyers and working for a federally funded research and development center. He bought his own furniture, but insurance and car payments are still being taken care of by our parents. He’ll likely be selling the car when he goes off to grad school, though. I sincerely doubt that he’d ever consider moving back home.</p>

26

<p>I’m a senior in hs now, so i’m not in college yet, but my parents have told me that i can come back anytime and live with them after college to get my finances together. This is my absolute last option. I would have to help out around the house and maybe pay a few bills, but nothing too extreme. I have a feeling that they would save all of the money i paid to them and give it to me when i move out.</p>

27

<p>We’ve told the kids they are on their own for grad school. DS1 plans to be in academia and seems to enjoy the romantic notion of grad student poverty. :wink: He’s always been low-maintenance, so he won’t care if he eats mac and cheese every night. DS2 doesn’t know if he wants grad school at this point.</p>

<p>I don’t expect either of them will want to live at home post-graduation and would get roommates, etc. so they could be independent. Medical insurance I’d cover; car insurance I wouldn’t. We’d probably help with getting some furniture (IKEA) for a first apartment, but both of them know that paying for undergrad is going to be a big challenge and they appreciate that.</p>

<p>DH worked for almost five years before grad school – it made him hunker down when he went back, as he was giving up a well-paying job and taking out loans to do so. We lived on my salary then (not that it was much). Didn’t buy any furniture 'til we’d been married five years and the old yard sale stuff had literally fallen apart. Finished paying off student loans ten years ago.</p>

28

<p>Ds has always known that our gift to him is that he will finish undergrad with no debt or loans. He is on his own after that. We haven’t discussed moving back home but he is so independent I can’t imagine him doing that. As a successful business owner, I look back on the times right out of school with my $12K a year job and my trashy apartment complete with garage sale furnishings as a rite of passage. I fully expect both my kids to go through the same. I will welcome them for weekends, for home cooked food, free laundry, and some tlc, but don’t expect that either will be moving back in after college. </p>

<p>One thing that hasn’t been mentioned here that I have discussed with both my kids is how lonely that time in my life was. Being out of school and newly employed in a professional place meant that for the first time I wasn’t surrounded by a bunch of kids my age. I had to find a way to make friends in a new community where I had started a new job. There were some tears but looking back I learned a lot during that time. Things that prepared me to be an independent adult, which I feel served me well when I later married.</p>

29

<p>S has pretty much been on his own financially since his freshman year in college - his college savings were all in his name (savings bonds) so he was responsible for cashing them and paying his tuition on time. Since graduating in 2005, he’s continued to be independent and has made a good living as a designer (advertising, websites, commercials). We’ve been really fortunate in that he’s grateful for his education and keeps telling us not to worry about money because he’ll take care of us! :slight_smile: (I don’t think he has reflected on what will happen when he decides to get married and raise a family!)</p>

<p>D also knows that she’s expected to be independent upon graduation. If either of them needs assistance with anything, we can talk about it but it’s not a given.</p>

30

<p>We said we would pay for college and that any money left in the college fund would be available for grad school, first house , whatever. With significant scholarships and jobs, the college fund has grown to quite a nest egg. Fellowships are already coming in for graduate school - so I’m saying we are done (barring some emergency, of course.)</p>

31

<p>Sooooooooooooo,</p>

<p>I am the only one counting the DAYS 'til they all come HOME!!! </p>

<p>As far as finances go they all eat better at school than we ever did before they left. Middle son can’t get over his “all you can eat, anytime you want” meal plan at school. Thinks he’s died and gone to food heaven.</p>

<p>So they all know coming home will not mean a “free lunch”. They have enjoyed being away but the 3 away now finally understand what their older sister meant when she came home after being away at college. She missed all of them so much she felt a huge hole in her heart. She transfered back home and graduated from our local 4-year that also had her chosen grad school option.</p>

<p>When many of their friends/school peers travel elsewhere for breaks, vacations and holidays, they all opt to come home. They even manage to fly home with connecting flights to see each other sooner. They have managed to drive hundreds of miles out of their way to pick the others up and bring them home.</p>

<p>Middle son spent last summer with older sis passing up other options for summer so she wouldn’t have to be by herself. They have all said they needed to go away so they would truly realize what they really wanted and needed.</p>

<p>Oldest son has made a commitment where we will be seeing him very little in the coming years so we all have made it our business to be available when he is available.</p>

<p>I also think each family is so very different, OURS in particular that what is expected after college can vary as much as families differ. For us, we have experienced so many hardships that being together is what brought all of us the most amount of joy.</p>

<p>So as far as expectations, I am counting the days as are they. Oldest son will be home for break in 11 days. The other 2 will be here in 18 days. Middle daughter graduates in hopefully 10 months. </p>

<p>Past Christmas we had 22 people, my little house was stuffed!! Little ole’ lady who lived in shoe…</p>

<p>Kat
waiting not-so-patiently for my kittens</p>

32

<p>kat, what wonderful, supportive relationships your kids have with each other!! This much make you enormously happy.</p>

<p>I, too, cannot wait until DS is home next. I would love to have him home much more, as he is funny, sweet (some of the time) and an all-around good guy. However, I do understand that, for his sake, he needs to separate. </p>

<p>Sigh.</p>

<p>And he is. I am learning to live on crumbs, LOL, but his crumbs are pretty darn funny.</p>

33

<p>I was on my own for the most part mid-way into college. But just prior to graduation, thesis expenses spiralled out of control and my parents gave me a little money to help with that. When my mom came to see my graduation, she stocked my fridge. I still started my first post-graduation job with pennies in my bank account, out on my own, but I felt that they helped in an appropriate way. I think I could have gotten more help if I had pressed for it, but it wouldn’t have felt right since I could get by on what they offered. I have no idea what would have happened if I had wanted to move back in though.</p>

34

<p>I’m only in hs, but my parents won’t pay a cent for grad school (though I’m lucky enough to be loan-free–knock on wood–through undergrad) and I can’t come home unless it’s a visit. Doesn’t matter if I offer to pay rent or not, I’m out. </p>

<p>Personally, I think this is the most effective method. Am I opposed to the more European idea of living with family after college? No, but in the US, it too frequently turns into a parasitic relationship, and from examples of my hs friends’ older siblings, it makes things really rocky with the parents. I’m looking forward to the independence. I’m sure after college will be a little slap in the face, but I’d rather NOT have the option of just turning around and going home.</p>

35

<p>Parents said:</p>

<p>Don’t live at home. We love having you around. But live somewhere else. We’ll help you pay for the first few months.</p>

<p>They also highly suggested that we don’t even think about traveling- just get a job!</p>

<p>Ha… trying to rebel that with grad schools… :slight_smile: Eatin’ up more of their money! And I’m not sure how much they’ll actually stick to their words- they’re suffering form separation anxiety right now that made my last visit almost unbearable! I do live close- about 2 hours away- partly because I am very close to my family since we went through some rocky times when I was younger and it’s a real joy for all of us to be together at a dinner table at night. But now it’s been 10 years, it’s time to break up the family again. Except my parents aren’t ready.</p>

36

<p>I really, really want ZG to come home. We finished our huge attic for her sixteenth birthday so she’d have a nice place to come home to. I’m completely not ready to think that the person who is my soul mate won’t live with me anymore. It may be because I went back to work when she was 10 weeks old, but I feel that I didn’t have nearly enough time.</p>

37

<p>I’m with zoosermom. My D graduates this May and will live at home until she can find an affordable apt.(if that can be found in LA). She wants to work in the film industry-so will not earn much right off the bat. We will pay for health ins. and not charge rent, but all other expenses are hers to take care of. I would probably be a softy and help with rent expenses to have her live in a safe neighborhood.</p>

38

<p>We told our kids they would finish UG with no loans, but they are on their own for grad school- that said, they get the pink slip to the car they began driving in HS at UG grad, but they also get their own insurance policy…and several months premium prepaid. Our grad school D is truly paying her own way, betwee loans and work and TAing, though we give grocery & gas gift cards, invite her home for dinner etc (she is not far away) I think she is genuinely proud of herself coping on her own; maybe when she finishes we will pay off her loans, we’ll see, might depend on the wedding costs ;)</p>

39

<p>We pay for our kids’ college costs with the exception of the modest Straffod loans, which they take – so they have some “skin in the game.” D graduated from college in '06 and our graduation gift to her was her health insurance until she had her own from her job. She fully expected to set herself up in a cilty other than ours on the east coast but ended up getting two job offers in our area. One was ideal for her – an excellent fit professionally and personally – so she took it. It is only 20 minutes from our home and frankly none of us saw that as a plus as she had her sights on other locations! It was **in spite of that **that she took the job LOL! </p>

<p>It seemed silly for her to take an apartment so close to where we live and she intends to work for a few years and then go to grad school (which will be totally on her) so we did welcome her to live with us while starting out. She needed a car to get to work and we sold her my husband’s old car at blue book value and he got a new one. She has been paying us $600/month for car payments and insurance and will own the car in full later this year. </p>

<p>Other than that she occasionally buys groceries and even more occasionally treats us to dinner out. Because she is living at home so that she can save for grad school, we do not charge her rent or board. </p>

<p>She has a very full life with a demanding job and her other involvements - belongs to a gym, takes adult ed evening classes in areas of interest, dates, and gets together with friends. She is not home all that much which is good for all of us. She took a winter vacation with a college friend this year. </p>

<p>Plusses of the situation: She could be here for her brother’s last years of high school and they have a decent relationship. She chauffeured his group to the homecoming dance in junior year, etc. She goes to his high school performances, etc. and they have become good companions. Since they are six years apart in age they were like two only children growing up, and now they are both young adults and more on similar levels than when they were younger. They discuss politics and other issues as equals.</p>

<p>Negatives: I do feel we have enabled her and she has an unrealistic notion of adult life. Most meals and services are here for her without her having to put herself out. Of course she does her own laundry but has a habit of starting a wash and then not finishing it so I tend to push it through the dryer when I do my own laundry. She has minimal household responsibilities and that is fine because she is here so little, but I still feel it is unrealistic. She does not maintain her room as we would like it and the issue is “Our house - so our standards should be met” vs. “She’s an adult and should be able to live by her standards.” (We do have her take turns cleaning the bathroom she shares with her brother.) </p>

<p>Plus, because she has a decent income and modest expenses (her car payments to us and her student loan payments) she has not had to budget as other young people do and is not accustomed to depriving herself. She can go out to dinner or a show on a whim. If she were maintaining her own apartment her spending choices would be much more limited. </p>

<p>So it is a mixed bag and will be especially so once her brother leaves for college in the fall. However, until she makes her plans for grad school it is silly for her to take her own place. If she does not go to grad school in a year or so I expect she will make her next career move to another city. (She prefers the bigger cities like NYC & DC and we are in the Philly area.)</p>

40

<p>I think the answer is it depends in part on the kid. I don’t know if it is built into the Jewish culture but support for children and education are deeply ingrained. We plan to pay fully both for university and for grad school (if that is not covered by scholarships/fellowships/assistantships). We would encourage our kids post-education to be independent. However, there would be times when their living with us (e.g., one year between college and grad school) might be financially sensible (though our general preference would be for them to be off on their own).</p>

<p>But, my brother is a lovely man who likely was born with some kind of unidentified learning disability – he graduated from college and has a job as a high school music teacher – but somehow never hit adulthood in his understanding of how to deal with the world. He got the teaching job (he’s a sensationally good as a teacher) because our father sent a letter on his behalf to all of the school districts in the state. He can’t figure out how to manage internal politics at his school district and periodically angers people (e.g., heads of department or principals) by insisting on what he thinks is right. He runs up large credit card bills periodically even though it should be obvious he cannot pay. He somehow cannot plan ahead. He doesn’t take care of his health. He still gets occasional financial and lots of other support from my mother. I think it is not unlikely that bad things would have happened to him if he hadn’t had continuing support and guidance from my parents.</p>

<p>We’re not there yet, but I will encourage my kids to be independent once they are done with school. I had full financial support from my parents in college but had jobs all the way through college and got full fellowships that covered graduate school tuition and living expenses. But, my parents paid for one sister’s law school, another sister’s living expenses for her psychology PhD (I think tuition was covered by the program), and continued to help them early on when expenses exceeded early incomes. I would discourage that. However, if I had a kid like my brother, while I would do things to encourage independence, I would recognize that there just would be times when I would have to provide support, financial and otherwise. [Indeed, I might have to when my mother is no longer there to help]. So, I don’t believe in any hard and fast rules but will make post-education independence the expectation. My kids seem smart enough to get it.</p>