<p>D1 will get through UG with no loans. BUT…I consider her scholarships as “skin in the game”. She had to work hard for those and keep grades up to maintain. Her dad challenged her to earn a specific level of scholarships with the promise of a car and she achieved it. He says it was a better deal for him than paying full price for school. She works in the summer and that is her spending money that has to last all school year. This year (soph) she got a small job on campus that has helped her save even more. I LOVE when she comes home on breaks!!! This is her home. We have a family phone plan and she is covered on our health insurance. We had saved for her education and her scholarships will enable the funds to go further so I think we will help with grad school. Our kids don’t take advantage of us and will be always be welcome at our home.</p>
<p>Since my d’s college cost us less than it would have to have her live at home and go to the community college, and it looks like she is going to be paid very handsomely for at least five years of graduate school plus travel, I’m thinking that maybe we should move in with her! :rolleyes:</p>
<p>Although my kids were “deprived” to a degree of material things in the much more privileged world they enjoyed as our children…and they display interest in the non-material over the material and crass, and they can and do delay gratification for the good things that money can buy…even so…my husband and I recognize that we would be loathe for them to be as hand to mouth poor as we were in our twenties. Remember no car and public transportation only? Remember parents who didn’t mind when you took out a slew of loans for your education…and education was cheap? Remember no electronics at all in your apartment? Remember being a bit jealous when your best friend’s parents bought her a used Pinto? Remember the year my husband had no heat whatsoever while in law school and studied nightly with his hat and coat on–and cheerfully, too!? Remember not having attractive “interview” clothing…and only two outfits fit for the office? Remember diets that did not include gorgeously fresh food, and were a bit basic, boring and tied to a real live budget? My children have no experience with such matters and may not fully appreciate how privileged they are. Still…we will see how much they can tolerate and enjoy their own autonomy…and how much we can allow that to take place. I am sure we will do both health insurance and cell phones…and god knows what else. But the goal is autonomy and hopefully for our sons to provide music, arts, lessons, sports, travel and educational opportunities to their own children some day.<br>
We were very autonomous…but perhaps too harshly so in our twenties. I can think of a score of my peers who accepted more help from their parents and grew up to be leaders and contributors, not leeches.<br>
Always interested in CC postings on this subject and thinking about what is the “norm”…(my son let that phrase slip out recently, and frankly, I am not sure he has a solid sense of the “norm” with only a few years under his belt in his albeit wonderfully challenging college.)</p>
<p>I told S and D to plan to move out of the State of Michigan. I don’t believe there is much of a future in this state.</p>
<p>I told my kids that if they come home after college, that I will collect a substantial amount of “room and board” so that they do not get accustomed to budgeting without it. I told them that I would then put it aside for them for their first house or whatever.</p>
<p>I know too many young men, college grads or not, that are living with Mom and Dad and blowing their entire salaries on nonsense, and not putting any money away.</p>
<p>Our family’s situation is different that most of the parents responding. When my partner and I agreed to live together in 2001, my children lived with my ex-husband. We found a place that was the right size for the two of us – a very small rental house with our own bedrooms, just the right size. In 2003, the children changed custody and came to live with us. For the next 4 years, we were all sort of jammed together in a space a bit too small, because the cost of moving to a larger place was too much, and everyone liked the place we live in. (It’s a great location.) My son had an Ikea loft in the living room, my daughter took over what had been my room, all that. </p>
<p>We were okay with it because it was a temporary situation, but when they go to college, they know it’s a one way trip. Before my son left, we took down the loft, stored all his furnishings and things. When he is home for the holidays, he sleeps on the couch. When my daughter goes off to college, I will take down and store her things, and I’ll be able to have my space back again. (As an example, I have the most clothes in the house, but the closet space I have now is about 2.5 feet wide, because the big closets are in “my” room, and she has stuff in them.) </p>
<p>So, they can’t really move back home when they get out of college, because there wasn’t enough space for them to begin with. I don’t even expect to see them during the summers, because they don’t want to have to basically camp in the living room when they could sublease an off-campus room and have privacy and social lives in the places where they’re in college. </p>
<p>Now, if one of them had problems and needed help, I would certainly help out – I’m not going to let one of my children be homeless or anything. But they pretty much understand that this house isn’t available as a “launch pad” and they need to plan accordingly.</p>
<p>Mine are actually free to come live with us anytime they want, for as much time as they want. They’ll have to put up with our mess, of course. I trust my kids totally to do the things they need to do, and am confident that they will do good things for the world, never mind themselves, and they’ve proven that already. And if they don’t like our home here, they are welcome to our “home” in rural South India any time they like, where they will be embraced with open arms. </p>
<p>And, as for money, they end up getting it all anyway.</p>
<p>
I hope my kids have no such expectation (if they do, I’d better address it soon). Any money that H and I don’t use to enjoy our post-parenting years, and survive our post-paid-employment years, I hope to leave to the library, and other worthy/needy causes. We are trying to launch the kids well enough they will be well able to fend for themselves - and fund their own choices of worthy and needy causes. </p>
<p>But unforseen events (and perhaps grandchildren who will benefit from college funds?) might soften my stance – perhaps.</p>
<p>In any event, all this I hope is **well **after the post-college years.</p>
<p>So having read through all of these posts – and the various viewpoints and experiences are fascinating and very informative! – it really seems to come down to this:</p>
<p>It depends on the kid. </p>
<p>In other words, parents who are blessed with hard-working, intrinsically motivated sons and daughters who have made good in undergrad school seem to be more willing to not place many strings on their financial support or on the kid coming back home (for a time) after college. There are a lot of other variables, but that seems to be a constant theme. </p>
<p>The parents with fiercely independent children who have very successfully navigated college life probably have no worries… their kids won’t want to move back home and won’t expect financial support.</p>
<p>My two kids fall somewhere in between… one is very independent but has had big ups and downs at college and has a tendency to be a little “pie in the sky” with plans and the execution of them. The other is less independent but will probably experience steady success in college and be more realistic about plans and have more follow through.</p>
<p>My husband and I married in our early 20s with little to our names but two beat up cars, two bachelor’s degrees, two Mastercard bills, some childhood furniture and a student loan. We struggled, got a bit of help from time to time from parents, and managed over the past two decades to build a comfortable life. We appreciate it all the more for the struggle part… which lasted for at least the first 10 years. </p>
<p>I think I must be mean, because I don’t want to make it too easy for my grown children to come home. Not that I don’t love them and miss them, just that I want them to work on building their own lives within their own means and I want them to have an appreciation of starting from nothing and through their own steam creating a… something. They haven’t experienced this in college because we pay for 90% of the costs. The intrinsically motivated and fiercely independent kids already know this, I’m not sure my kids do (and I think, honestly, they might be the slightest bit lazy and spoiled). :0</p>
<p>my parents will have the same policy for me as they had for my older brothers. im always welcome to live at home for free though after college i will have to pay for my cell phone and other things like that. they are “helping” me buy a car because they didnt get me one when i was 17 (my brothers did) and i think im on my parents health insurance until im 25 by their policy or something. all in all, i realize im VERY lucky for my parents to be doing all this for me. since my school is $50,000 a year, i will owe them a bit back (we dont qualify for much finaid) but they say i can pay them back in time once i get a job.</p>
<p>assuming i get a job in my desired location theres really no point of me moving out. my house is an easy commute from NYC and rent for any apartment is REDICULOUS in or around the city if i want to be safe. my oldest brother lived at home for about 2 years while working a steady job before moving up to north jersey. my other brother is in med school now which my parnets pay for because he had a full scholarship to college, he also lives in an apartment off campus with his best friend from middle school which about equals the amount of rent the dorms would cost.</p>
<p>thank god my parents are able to do this for me and actually want to… i think a couple of years from now itll take a lot of the stress away from graduation time.</p>
<p>My oldest sister moved out right after undergrad. She went to grad school and then right to a job. Her job pays for her oncampus apartment now.</p>
<p>My second sister is 25. She has just moved out last spring which puts her 10 minutes from her job. She lived at home for awhile while going to school and working fulltime. She was able to buy a new car shortly after undergrad because she had gotten a pretty good job shortly after.</p>
<p>My third sister is 21 and in her 3rd year of college. She will be staying at school this summer for a job. I believe she’ll be able to graduate in December and it’s hard to say if she’ll come home at all.</p>
<p>I don’t know what I will do after college. One part of me would like to go straight to grad school and then hopefully go from there into a bigger college athletic department. On the other hand, I don’t really want to move real far away from home. If I don’t go to grad school, it’s likely I’ll go home for a little while living there while making some money and getting better set up. The place I work at home now is expanding so provided things stay good, I may be able to work within just a few minutes from home.</p>
<p>We are “on our own” to pay for school. My dad has cosigned for loans and my parents help out on occasion.</p>
<p>I was able to get a job within range of my parent’s home right after undergrad (in california) and so it was a natural fit. My parents saw it the same way I did - why throw away $12k + every year? Part of this reasoning is that we perceive ourselves as a cohesive family unit, so one person spending the money is like the entire family spend it.</p>
<p>I suppose it’s all about the relationship that has existed for the last twenty years. If you see each other as having a vested interest in where the other goes, something like this is not a big deal. </p>
<p>Regardless of those opinions, I think it would be prudent to discuss some of the benefits of such an arrangement (I think the negatives have been covered well, especially with respect to independence). I can only speak for my own experience.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>my dad was retiring at the time so I learned a massive amount about that process and also about the stock market, corporations, fixed income, alternative investments, tax strategy, etc. This exposure prompted my decision to apply for business school (no I don’t want to be a banker - I’ll nip that in the bud - I’m currently in business school with no loans, entered at age 25)</p></li>
<li><p>I was able to interact on my parents on a different level. I was now trying to learn as much as possible about pitfalls in life, what kinds of things motivate them (and others), office politics, etc. I gained a real appreciation for the knowledge elders can impart and I never even thought about asking that kind of stuff during highschool or college. Sometimes you can avoid those “character-building failures” and be just fine.</p></li>
<li><p>my parents are relatively frugal so I became relatively frugal.</p></li>
</ul>
<p>So yeah, I guess there are a few things that need to be in the right place for things to work out well. I’m very grateful, though.</p>
<p>This question drastically depends upon your child’s major. I’m majoring in Musical Theatre, and while I would love to believe that I will be able to support myself after college, that’s probably not possible. My parents understand that I may need their occasional help, but it is a two way street. I have loaned money to my parents with the expectation that it would be returned to me. I have given money to my parents without expectations. I think that a reasonable, adult agreement can be reached that is acceptable to both parties. These “plans” are great now, but when the time comes…your ideas may be different.</p>
<p>Hmm. My siblings and I have always been told that we’re getting kicked out at 18. I’m not planning on staying around to find out wether its true or not. :)</p>
<p>I guess that I am in a different situation than most of the people here. My mother is a single parent who does not receive any real support from my father for anything. I am financing my own tuition/rent/etc through scholarships and the pell grant (such a life saver!) and a part-time job. </p>
<p>I don’t expect to be able to get a good-paying job right after I graduate undergrad, my field (anthropology) is one such that I need at least a master’s degree for basically any job. However, I am planning on living abroad for at least 6 months after graduation (working, not traveling, though I probably wouldn’t leave til september or october to take advantage of cheaper flights) maybe even close to 18 months, so I will not be attending grad school until after I get back. </p>
<p>My mother pays my car payment and cell phone right now (I pay car insurance) but she has explicitly stated that once I graduate, my car payment is mine. I would probably be able to talk her out of this until I get back from being abroad though. I think that I would be welcome to live at home after graduation, but since my mom lives with my grandmother in what is basically the definition of “Middle of Nowhere”, I’m reluctant to do it since it is so far away from pretty much anything. Plus the fact that when you get all 3 of us in a house together for more than a couple hours, the fighting begins… and my lease on my apartment won’t be up til the end of July after I graduate in May anyway, so if I can crash with friends here and help them pay rent for a couple months til I leave for abroad, that would be ideal.</p>
<p>In my situation, my parents would actually prefer that I stay at home with them post-college until I get married. I think, specifically, this reflects my parents’ cultural background. Both of my parents repeatedly tell my siblings and me that our living with them keeps their lives full of excitement. They seem to hesitate at the mention of a retired life free of all of their kids living with them.</p>
<p>I think it’s somewhat disturbing that we live in a society where we shatter family units under the belief that everybody needs to make it on their own.</p>
<p>I can see how we got to that rationale in an industrializing society that had to focus on material output to survive, but that nuclear family structure is failing our post-industrial civilization. You can see it in the fact that many young adults wait as long as they can before having children to maximize their personal growth before their biological clock times out. I think we’d be much more aligned with our biological impulses if we remained living in multiple generation family and community units in which the young adults bear children and the older adults (60+) collectively raise them. </p>
<p>That frees young adults to have the children they are biologically compelled to create yet still be free to manifest their highest personal potential while the older adults, who have already manifested their highest personal potential, are free to pass their wisdom of a life lived down to the children.</p>
<p>Abortion rates plummet, family structure is renewed, young adults still have the freedom they have sought ever since industrialism moved overseas, and the multiple generations support one another without making anyone fend for themselves. All are free to focus on more inward, spiritual growth.</p>
<p>Wow, yeah, um. You know, I’m one of umpteen generations in my family who has had children young. In fact, I’m considered to have waited until very <em>late</em>, because I didn’t have my first child until I was almost 22. Given the experience of several generations of my family, the one thing I <em>don’t</em> want for my children is for them have children when they are as young as previous generations were. </p>
<p>I don’t think it’s “shattering family units” to expect children to move out after college. At the other end, my partner’s family let their children live with them as long as they wanted. Result? While my partner finally moved out when he was 25 or so, his brother still lives there. He’s 41 years old, has part time jobs, no children, no girlfriend, no nothing. From where I sit, it appears at this point he’s waiting until the remaining parent dies, and then expects he’ll just continue to live in that house, never supporting himself. I don’t see he’s had much inward spiritual growth, either.</p>
<p>I watch this program sometimes- Small Spaces, Big Style…;some places are small small small</p>
<p>And I can absolutely seeing both my Ds in those kinds of places when they are starting out…will my home be there for them if needs be, sure, and it doesn’t hurt they love San Francisco…</p>
<p>^Tumbleweed house</p>
<p>[Tumbleweed</a> Houses | The Weebee House](<a href=“http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/houses.htm]Tumbleweed”>Certified Green Tiny Homes For Sale - Tumbleweed Houses)</p>
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<p>I don’t think so. I think I’m done with raising kids.</p>