<p>I am a worrier. If my D tells me that she gained freshman weight, I worry about her getting heavier and heavier and being unhappy. If my D tells me that she is feeling ill, I worry that her mysterious debilitating illness of last year is coming back. If my D tells me that she didn’t do well on a college exam, I worry that she won’t be able to handle college life. I had an abnormal pap followed by a normal one, and I worry that the second one is a false normal and maybe there really is something wrong…and maybe I will die young of cancer just like my mother did. Plus I know that chronic worry increases my cortisol, which can cause disease…and I worry about that!</p>
<p>My mind never quiets because there is ALWAYS something for me to worry about.</p>
<p>I am not making up these worries…they are real issues in my life.</p>
<p>I’m just like you so it’s kind of ludicrous for me to try to help but here goes. The only thing I can think of, and it only works sometimes, is that in a parenting class I took when the kids were young, they taught us not to “catastrophize.” In other words, don’t let your imagination carry an immediate concern out to its worst possible future outcome. </p>
<p>An example would be, my kid failed an arithmetic test, he’ll never get into algebra, or make it into calculus, thus not get into a top college, which means no good job, and and so on. Or, as you said, your D gained weight, she’ll become obese and unhappy, never marry and become a cat lady. </p>
<p>I really fight this tendency myself so I know how hard it is. And I also have some health issues going on and frequently imagine that I’m a goner (and then worry about the poor attendance at my funeral!).</p>
<p>If you’re like me, the worst of the worrying comes in the middle of the night. I cast about for something non-stressful to think about so I can get back to sleep. Since all my kids stress me out, lately I’ve been thinking about my sister’s golf lessons, seriously, how silly is that?</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Mindfulness – the practice of being in the moment without judging it. Pull yourself back into the moment by taking note of small details around you – sights, smells, sounds etc. Keep doing it every time you realize you’re worrying. It’s very hard at first but gets easier.</p></li>
<li><p>Remind yourself that worry has no effect on the outcome of what you are worrying about.</p></li>
<li><p>Thought defusion: Sit in a comfy (but not sleep-inducing) position in a quiet place and imagine every thought as a physical object that comes and goes. For example, you could imagine butterflies flying past, leaves moving down a stream, or billboards passing on the highway. Don’t try to block the thoughts. Just let them move past.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Not sure I have good advice, but my Mom is a worrier. I once told her, “You spend all your time and energy worrying that something bad is going to happen; but none of those things ever happen.”</p>
<p>Her response: “See? It works!”</p>
<p>Just a thought: maybe if you spend some time reflecting on the many things you worried about that didn’t come to pass, it might take the edge off. Or at least, like my Mom, you could continue to worry but at least have some perspective that tells you your worries are probably unfounded.</p>
<p>My friend used to be the same way. She worried all the time. She finally decided to go to a psychiatrist. Well, she doesn’t worry anymore. She’s happy and loves life. She’s been on medication (prescribed by the psychiatrist) for about one year now. She visits with the psychiatrist once every three months. She is a new woman-----brave, confident, and worry free.</p>
<p>I have written this before on your threads (as most seem to be about struggles you have that all point to depression- negative attributions about others, comparing self to others, worrying, over-involved with your kids, problem husband): GET INTO A PROFESSIONAL THERAPIST’S OFFICE!</p>
<p>It seems crazy these days to avoid one-on-one professional help when it’s there for the taking. While I’m sure folks have lots of good ideas on here, they are not remotely able to replace deep, personalized, cognitive behavioral therapy for someone with the struggles you keep describing.</p>
<p>I <em>worry</em> that sometimes we overstep our bounds in the Parent Cafe. </p>
<p>Questbest - I too inherited the worry gene. Most of the time I can do some personal interventions and get myself on track. I know the techniques and I know they can work. At other times, however, the worries take on a life of their own. I have found that when that happens, I need to take medication for a short amount of time to break up the perseveration. Almost immediately, I feel better. I can approach whatever the problems might be in a more measured way and I am able to actually STOP worrying. The meds also make it easier to sleep, have the energy to exercise and cook healthy meals, etc., all the things that make me better able to cope with stress. </p>
<p>I am a very self reliant person and it wasn’t until a year ago that I admitted to myself that I needed some help. </p>
<p>The cafe is a great sounding board, but it is no substitute for IRL support.</p>
<p>I agree with Starbright- cognitive behavioral therapy with a qualified therapist is what will help combat this type of thinking. It worked for me but it can take several years to learn the skills and apply them consistently, it’s not something you can learn from a book or on a forum. Good luck.</p>
<p>3) Understand the unhelpful thinking styles and recognize when you are doing these…</p>
<p>catastrophizing
black and white thinking
mind reading - putting thoughts and feelings onto other people eg ‘she hates me’ without any evidence
mental filter - noticing only what our filter allows us to notice (because of beliefs, experiences etc) and dismissing anything that doesn’t fit with this
‘must’ and ‘should’
predicting</p>
<p>I second the CBT, but also yoga can help. Also, reading about yoga philosophy can be very enlightening for a chronic worrier, if only to realize that you have plenty of company that goes back a few thousand years. A lot of yoga addresses the ruts of conditioned thinking such as worrying that people fall into.</p>
<p>If yoga does not do it for you, try other exercise: kickboxing, weights, running, whatever. It works great as stress reducer.</p>
<p>Keep a notepad and a pencil on your nightstand. If you cannot fall asleep because a thought keeps you awake, write it down, sort of like a “to-do” worry list for tomorrow. It works for me.</p>
<p>I had major surgery in November. Being a Christian, I may have a different idea than some others. But I wrote some scripture on a 3x5 card and taped it to the outside of a kitchen cabinet. (Actually 3 scriptures on 3 cabinets.)</p>
<p>This is my favorite one:</p>
<p>For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you: Do not fear, I will help you. Isaiah 41.13</p>
<p>I memorized this scripture and said it over and over in my head as I needed it.</p>
<p>For chronic “what if” thinking that has a major negative impact on your mood, functioning, or relationships, you could get some fairly quick relief from therapy (CBT) and/or meds.
For occasional, less debilitating worry, it can be really helpful to answer your question… So, “what if my daughter gains weight and is really unhappy?” Hmm… If she’s unhappy about the weight she’s likely to eventually reach a point where she’ll do something about it. “What if I become very ill?” Well, I’d probably get the best doctor I can find, focus intently on daily treatment, and get through that time just like everyone else does who faces a serious illness. It would be hard but you’d get through it as best you could. You can remind yourself that many protective factors, sources of support, etc. can be called upon in truly difficult life circumstances, and that facing difficulties is never the same as thinking about facing difficulties.
There’s something about the process of asking yourself, “what if?” and never stopping to answer the question that leaves one thinking that the negative occurrence would inevitably be catastrophic. Better to remind yourself of the ways you and family have moved on through difficult times before and would be likely to do so again during tough times.</p>
<p>Cognitive behavior therapy. I used a workbook alone but I had nothing near what you have in terms of anxiety and worst-case thinking. CBT is not mutually exclusive with prayer, meditation, etc. It’s very effective.</p>
<p>Here are some ideas from a 12 step program.</p>
<ol>
<li>One day at a time - staying in the present. Our only power is in the moment and we lose that when we project into the future. Mindfulness is one way to stay in the present, there are many others. Sometimes people talk about taking it one hour at a time or one minute at a time (and many of these people have really, really bad problems, like relatives in jail or rehab.)<br></li>
<li> Acceptance- accepting that the present is the way that it is supposed to be, so that then you can move on</li>
<li> God box- write down your worries and put them in a box for God to take care of</li>
<li> Prayer - turning the problem or the future over to God in prayer</li>
<li>Repeating helpful slogans (Let go, Let God is one that I love) - sometimes I go for a walk and just repeat the slogan over and over again to myself.</li>
<li> Calling someone to dump the thoughts (it has to be the right type of person, who can help you see that you are blowing things out of proportion)</li>
<li> Journaling - just writing down your worst thoughts can some times help you see that they are really unlikely to come true</li>
</ol>
<p>well CBT, duh, but here are some ideas I use</p>
<ol>
<li> Whats the WORST that could happen. How would you deal with it, practically. I mean suppose DD or DS doesnt get into ANY college. Does the world end? no. They’d still do SOMETHING honorable, have a family, etc. This works better for some things than others.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>Kind of like what jasmom said</p>
<ol>
<li> Statistics. How probable IS IT that your kid will crash her first time driving? That any given plane will crash? I mean rigourous, rational estimation.<br></li>
</ol>
<p>These are forms of cognitive reframing I think’</p>
<p>but something different</p>
<ol>
<li>Think about courage. “A brave man dies but once, a coward many times” shakespeare - IE dont spend time thinking about (if the thinking is not functional). “if I perish, I perish” Think of Queen Esther, or of the Stoics - the worst that can happen to me is I die - and I am ready to do that. So there is nothing to be afraid of.</li>
</ol>