I remember this being discussed a really long time ago and wonder how people on this forum feel now. Especially since decisions are being made and I’m hearing lots of chatter about how much debt is ok.
Would you be concerned if your child started dating someone who had a lot of college debt? Would you feel differently about college debt than consumer debt?
Would it depend on what kind of debt it was? Meaning would undergrad debt be different than graduate school debt, law school or medical school debt? How much would depend on what kind of job they have?
Would you advise your child to sign a prenuptial agreement? How would you feel about any gifts or helping with buying a home?
My kids have no college debt that they are paying/paid, we paid their Stafford loans.
For me, it would depend on how much debt, estimated payoff time based on the person’s prospects, and why they went into debt in the first place. Hopefully, it isn’t someone paying full price for an Ivy League English degree!
On CC I think it’s ok if the crippling debt was from an elite school. A state school or outside the top 50 aren’t dating material anyway, it would seem. One should only date a t20 grad in investment bankers or consulting. Lol.
I’m a parent now, but I was that 25 year old with high college debt when I got engaged. I’m glad my H didn’t ask for a prenup. Although I was 25 with high debt, I also had a Masters degree, a good salary, and a good solid career path in front of me. I paid it all off in 5 years. So I hope people look at more than one factor when making life long decisions.
@privatebanker if it’s from an elite school, by definition it’s not “crippling”. The term should be “a prestigious financial burden”. After all, what’s a mere $50,000 in Stepford loans?
DD has significant graduate school debt. She and SIL discussed it before they got engaged. It is none of my business but I am glad she told me they discussed it.
My girls are the ones with the debt, but just direct loans… Their boyfriends don’t seem to mind.
One has a good job and she pays her own loans, and pays half of their joint expenses, for her own car and insurance. Her boyfriend also has a good job. I really don’t know if he has his own loans to pay but if so, they aren’t in the ‘crippling’ category (maybe the direct loans). Daughter has them on a savings plan to someday buy a house.
The other one hasn’t started repaying yet, and the loans will take up a good part of her take home pay. Her boyfriend doesn’t have any loans as he paid instate rates with the GI bill.
re post #2. I don’t care what the school is- some lesser schools have a higher reputation in some fields than elite privates. It would be none of my business.
IF the relationship becomes serious the couple should be considering their financial future- which would be independent of parents, of course. The parent-child conversation would be one about planning their financial future, reminding them that self sufficiency should come before marriage. In today’s world many couples live together for years before deciding on a legal arrangement.
btw- none of my business who the kid dates. I had this conversation with H’s side once. There is no reason for parents to know who their adult child is dating. Many relationships will run their course without parents ever knowing. They will try many different people out for fit.
Lol indeed. DH went to Tailgate U. No debt, but when I married him, he had nothing to his name but burning ambition. Not only is he a great guy, husband, father, and friend to many, but he has been incredibly successful in his career. Who knew!
As said, he had no debt, but if he did, I wouldn’t have told my parents. Not really any of their business.
I would figure it’s up to them to figure it out. My son was dating someone as a 21/22 yo and he was concerned about her financial future. I never said a thing about it. He is VERY frugal. With my other son, it probably wouldn’t be a big deal if it was a reasonable amount, because money isn’t very important to him. I do believe our kids know they are lucky not to have debt. My step daughter is seriously dating someone we suspect has serious college debt, and she hasn’t considered it at all.
Hmm- did everyone here marry someone their parents approved of? There was dead silence on the phone when I told my (widowed several years) father that it would not be a Catholic wedding. He liked H and happily came to our generic ceremony. Kudos to kids who do their own thing regardless of parents. Recently know of Indian immigrant parents whose son is serious about a D of Chinese immigrants- all in similar, well paid professions. Something they never thought about when they came to the US- their American born and raised children will have different ideas. Am reminded of historical culture clashes no one would consider today among past immigrant populations.
Who got the better education- the B/C student from elite U or the honors grad from flagship U?
I have always let my adult children make their own choices, without me hovering over them. That said, I admit to breathing a sigh of relief when the fact that neither of their significant others has loan debt. I never would have said a word if I found out they did, though, because it’s not my business.
What would you do if you find out about huge loan debt? If they are already deeply involved, would it be a deal breaker? Would they break up on that alone?
“I can’t imagine knowing how much college debt, or any other financial details, about a child ‘s significant other.”
We ended up knowing that even though we never asked. While we were eating dinner out with kiddo and her bf, the bf mentioned that his new job meant not only better hours but also a small pay bump. Mr. suggested to use that amount to bump up college loan payments, to which the kid replied that thankfully he had no loans to repay. We were sneaky!
I redid my Trust when my son became engaged. It is tricky, as I have no,idea if fiancée has loans, how much her parents r contributing to wedding, or plan to help,with a future house or grandchildren.
I don’t think I’d say anything directly to either son if they were involved with someone who had high student loan debt. They grew up hearing us consider debt load (mortgage) and handling our finances – the conversations were very generalized and took place years ago, without having to apply to a specific partner or situation. So, no, I wouldn’t say anything in the context of a relationship unless asked very specifically for input, and then I’d make sure it was along the lines of constructive support and some financial help if we could afford it. And not sure if you asked in the OP, but I’d also probably give the other child an equal amount, debt or not.
Both our sons had subsidized loans that they paid off in full within a few years of graduation. We encouraged them to take out loans to help build credit history. DIL has no debt and I think was full-pay, and DS1’s girlfriend had an amazing and well-earned scholarship situation and also graduated debt-free.
Income situation and earning potential would definitely adjust my level of (internal and unvoiced) stress about whatever student loans a child’s partner carried.
I had student loans that took ten years to pay off. DH had a full ROTC scholarship. We paid off my debt with money and his debt with time and felt that we had similar obligations made lighter for sharing them.
We are very debt adverse in our family, and paying interest is an anathema, so the thought of my children taking on someone else’s debt is a concern, but not a reason to disapprove of the significant other. People come from all circumstances, and college debt is certainly far from the worst thing in the world. D’s SO is college debt free and S1 makes enough to pay off the debt of a potential spouse, so not a concern right now, but if it ends up being the case for any of my children, H and I would likely pay it off as a wedding present so they could start life saving and earning interest, not paying it.
While we were eating dinner out with kiddo and her bf, the bf mentioned that his new job meant not only better hours but also a small pay bump. Mr. suggested to use that amount to bump up college loan payments, to which the kid replied that thankfully he had no loans to repay. We were sneaky! 