<p>Hi, All:
Don’t get me wrong, my daughter is allowed to go to the school organized activities. She also went to Senior Prom and all the Senior activities, no curfew for that. I allowed her to go to the movies and to their friends parties but I like she be at home by 8:00 or 8:30P.M. during the weekends.</p>
<p>After reading all your comments and analyzing that she is going to College in Fall I will not be so strict and will move the curfew to 10:30P.M.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m from America but my parents were super strict and they believed that we the girls should not be out after 8:00P.M. Our brother could be out until 10:00P.M. When I went to college the residence (Family Guest House) allowed us to be at the library or other events but they would close the gates at 11:00P.M. All girls needed to be in their rooms at 11:00P.M.<br>
Sorry, this is very difficult I know I’m very overprotective.</p>
<p>Why would you want to impose a sexist attitude on your daughter, for goodness sakes? Just because your parents did it doesn’t make it right. </p>
<p>8:00 PM is a ridiculous curfew for the weekends for a HS senior of either gender. Even 10:30 PM is early for an 18-year-old. </p>
<p>My observations from college were the same as those mentioned by another poster: those who’d been kept on an abnormally short leash in high school tended to be the ones who acted out and acted up the most in college. Those who had learned to handle freedom acted responsibly in college.</p>
<p>Get her a cell phone and let her demonstrate how she handles herself; then you’ll know whether she needs a curfew or not.</p>
<p>Is she going away to a college where she will live in a dorm? If so, I would strongly urge you to rethink the idea of a set curfew–this is probably not how it will be in college. Instead of a curfew, think in terms of asking her to let you know where she will be, and when she plans to come home. She should be expected to call you if any adjustments in the plans are needed. Even a 10:30 weekend curfew for a high school senior is at the extremently overprotective end of the spectrum. I don’t know any 9th-graders with such a restrictive curfew.</p>
<p>Well, I disagree with you owlice. My sisters and brothers were raised properly; All of them are professionals and we didn’t act out or behaved in an improper manner and yes we love our parents. I will be lenient, but not more than 10:00 or 10:30P.M. Just read the newspaper and you can see how many kids get in trouble for being so late in the streets. Sometimes even though they are not at fault…However, I appreciate your point of view.</p>
<p>What sort of curfews are other parents at your daughter’s school imposing? While I don’t mean that your parenting should necessarily be guided by what others are doing, I will tell you that if your curfew is substantially more restrictive than that of other parents (and expecially the parents of the “good” kids), your daughter will resent it, and it will increase the likelihood that she will act out when she is no longer subject to these restrictions. If nothing else, you will set up a disastrous confrontation when (and if) she returns home for the summer from college. If she’s lobbying for a later curfew, ask her to find out what curfews other kids have–demand specific names–and talk to their parents. But 10:00? That makes even dinner and a movie impossible.</p>
<p>While I understand your concerns, OP, I am curious. Do you have a son? And if so, is his curfew different than your daughter’s? (Is it later than hers?) </p>
<p>I think that besides the fact that 8:00 is a very restrictive curfew, more than a few of us wonder if there is a double standard here. The whole title thread about a curfew for “a girl” sparks the questions. If you don’t have a son, do you feel that a boy’s curfew should be later than a girl’s? If you do, I think you will find more than a few folks (including me) who would bristle at that thought (although I recognize you are entitled to your opinion).</p>
<p>My H laughed said in HS his curfew was 1 am his college junior sister ws 12am. very sexist. My parents said 12am for me. What would the neighbors think…</p>
<p>8:30pm is too early! Goodness, the daughter will be almost 18 (if she has already turned) and will go away to college. Extend the curfew to 11pm for your sanity’s sake. When she’s hanging out with friends in college, there will be times she may not return to her dorm until 2:00am. She needs to get used to hanging out late and practice safe precautions.</p>
<p>I am also a very protective mother - it’s known among my kids friends. But instead I teach my kids on how to be safe when they are out with friends, 1) don’t be at a social gathering with alcohol without parents present, or a large unfamiliar people gethering, 2) never ask anyone to hold your drinks (it could be your best friend, and the best friend could put it down while you were away), 3) always go with a group of friends to parties and make sure everyone makes it home - don’t leave anyone behind, even with a hot guy, 4) don’t drink and drive, 5) don’t ever be afraid to call us to get you no matter when and where, 6) at school, have a buddy system where you would also be picking each other up.</p>
<p>downtoearth; Similar story here, that was one of my mother’s favorite phrases “What would the neighbors think!!!”
If you believe that my parents were strict, laugh… My mother’s parents were even stricter: My mother has her first boyfriend (my dad) at college…same for me: I was not allowed to date in HS.
Big change for this generation:
I’m allowing my daughter to date in Senior year (great improvement); I’m also allowing her to go out with her boyfriend to the movies and friend’s house without a chaperone. …and this weekend I will extend the curfew from 8:00 to 10:30P.M to see if we can handle it…
Thanks!!!</p>
<p>oldfort: Great points, I agree with all of them. I have discussed points 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, & 6… with my daughter, but I probably was too strict with the curfew. The messages in this thread have helped me to reconsider the curfew…moreover when in Fall I will not be with my daughter. I trust in her but it is too tough to see her go…</p>
<p>Wow, I thought I was a strict parent. According to the kids’ friends, I am the most strict. Mine have never had a curfew but more of a come home straight after the event rule and call every time you arrive/leave each location. Even with no curfew they’re home before bedtime but the point is it’s their decision so they’ve stepped up to the responsibility. Your daughter is an adult so treat her like an adult. Your job as a parent was to (past tense intended) to teach her life skills. She’s not learning these skills if she has such strict rules. While I’m relieved to see you’ve gone with 10:30, it’s still not warranted at her age. </p>
<p>You and she don’t have the time to ease into it. It’s crunch time. Throw out the rules and let her do as she pleases now while she’s still home so she has family nearby if she messes up. Oh, yeah, I can hear you screaming but just bare with me. In a few weeks (yes, weeks) she’ll be at college, on her own, and no family for support. What you’re doing is basically teaching her to swim by throwing her in a pool without lessons or a life preserver. Use these last few weeks before college as those swim lessons and while you’re still within arm’s reach. Let her get out of the baby pool and into the big pool. Let her venture into the deep end and jump off the high dive as you holler encouraging words of support rather than no you can’t. </p>
<p>FYI, there’s nothing that can be done at midnight that can’t be done at noon. There’s nothing wrong with letting her go to her friends’ houses, out to eat, or to a movie after the sun sets. What you read in the newspaper is not the norm - that’s why it’s making headlines. Editors can’t sell newspapers unless they’re reporting something sensational. Just from your posts, I can’t see her running the streets with gangs and dopers no matter where the hands of the clock are. Don’t worry. She’ll be fine.</p>
<p>I do not consider being raised with a double standard as being raised “properly.” Sexism is sexism, whether practiced by parents, grandparents, or employers.</p>
<p>Mom of boys here with curfews LOL. My rising senior - in by 9:00 on school nights including Sunday - in by midnight on weekends. When S1 was a senior and next year we will let S2 stay out 'til 1 AM on weekends if we know where they are and they call us by 11 and if there is a reasonable reason. I’m with the poster as I always say “nothing good happens after midnight.” S1, when home from college, no longer has a curfew but he’s shortly turning 21. Ironically, he’s usually home early these days…</p>
<p>While I wouldn’t have different curfews for my son and daughter, I’d be a liar if I didn’t admit that my fears are different when she is out late than when he is out late.</p>
<p>Hunt, that’s perfectly reasonable; they are different people, after all.</p>
<p>I think it sends a bad message to girls AND boys to have different curfews based solely on their gender. It tells them both that girls are weak, and boys are strong, that girls are more likely to get into trouble and that boys are less likely to get into trouble, that girls can’t be trusted, and boys can, and so on. These are not messages I’d want to send ANY child of mine, male or female. (Of course, I have only a boy, but I’d have felt it quite unfair if my brothers had later curfews than I had when in high school.)</p>
<p>Greenery, I want to commend you for being open minded about your daughter’s curfew and willing to seek advice. I wish my parents had been the same when I was growing up. I do have to agree with others that promoting a double standard by having your daughter have a different curfew than a boy would is not the way to empower your daughter. I would hope that you are sending your daughter to college so she can be a strong, independent woman, and not just for a “mrs” degree. Part of being a strong, independent woman is learning to be an adult who makes good choices. It sounds like you trust and respect your daughter, so I hope you will give her a chance to prove she is responsible enough to make her own decisions (and yes, own mistakes).</p>
<p>My 18 year old and 20 year old daughters have never had a curfew, but they both knew that my car had to be home by midnight! (And if someone else was driving, they still tended to get home by this time)</p>
<p>I never really had a set curfew. In our house, as long as we were responsible about it, we set our own curfew.</p>
<p>For example. Say it’s Friday night, and I’m going over to a friend’s house to watch movies or some such thing (that was what I spent a majority of my time doing…I wasn’t really a partier :)). Mom would ask, “What time will you be home?”</p>
<p>Usually I would respond, “Midnight.” If it was going to be later, I was expected to call. I believe this was how it worked with my sister as well, and we both felt so empowered by the trust and responsibility that neither of us ever felt the need to betray it.</p>
<p>Not that this would work for any situation, mind you. It just happened to work for us. And it was good practice, because now that I’m home from college the practice is the same…except now the answer is sometimes later.</p>