No, she did not get to go to the school she wanted to. She went to a school we can afford.
Was selecting a college the first time in her life that she was made aware of financial constraints on her choices?
If not, then it is really odd that she does not realize that she can only choose what is affordable. Perhaps her past history with how she manages her spending money may be a clue.
@romanigypsyeyes You are absolutely correct. Even bigger difference, a car is not a productive asset whereas a college degree is. Also, just like colleges, companies are becoming more and more selective, so schools that were “fine” when we were kids are now not being considered by many companies as a viable source for new hires.
I’m not 100% sure why she doesn’t get it. We not only live frugally, but H went through unemployment, then underemployment after the crash in 2008. We’ve talked openly with both kids about how we’re trying to catch up, how we live with a budget, and many things around the house have been neglected because it’s simply not a priority.
I tend to pin it on the atmosphere at her private high school, in an affluent (very) area, where she attended on scholarship. Her perspective is that ALL of her friends were able to choose where they wanted to go, apparently without budget restraints, and she is the only one who didn’t. Lots of kids going to selective schools. Perhaps adding salt to her wounds, two of her friends from school, whose families are poor, are attending top 20 schools. We are definitely not poor, but we cannot pay our EFC. Our income is risen, thankfully, but we are still playing catch-up for our emergency fund, plus we can see the retirement years are looming ahead ever closer.
Perhaps she is under the thought that if there’s a will, there’s a way, and we’re just being cheap with her. Or that we’ll cosign private loans for her to help her get what she wants. I don’t know.
I only posted because there are obviously adults who get outraged at the price they are expected to pay, and think their kid deserves better & for them, college should cost less. We see the parents post here and many of them are having a very hard time with the idea of their kid attending a state school, much less a directional or community college.
Well, I’ve got a kid who thinks she deserves better, and she was unhappy with the affordable choices last year. We didn’t even get close to “Love Thy Safety”, but ultimately she reluctantly agreed on the “most acceptable”.
It’s a sensitive subject, as you might imagine, because your kid looks at you like she wishes she had different/better parents. She’s young and she has no idea how hard H & I work or about the sacrifices we’ve made to give both kids what they NEED.
Naturally, we hope she can get through this rough patch first semester of freshman year and make the most of the gift she’s been given. It’s her opportunity to blossom or to blow. We’ve done the best we can, even footing the bill for a full year plus with a skilled therapist.
Sometimes, it’s complicated, and you’re not sure how two kids could be so different. D13? Totally gets it. D16? Not at all.
@midwest67 Is your daughter working a part-time job in college? Has she worked full-time during the summer? If not, it would definitely help her realize the value of a $ and how little it buys and how much effort and how many of those hard earned dollars it takes to pay for a college education.
I actually have two kids just like that, Midwest67, except the one who gets it (sort of) still lives in the dream world that it will all work out. She doesn’t get that her costs are only going to be covered if she works, that she has to have a job and that she can’t go to her boyfriend’s on the weekends because that costs time and money. The other one is just angry that many of her friends are wealthy and she’s not.
It is hard because most of their friends travel, have cars (that’s the big one for them, that they don’t have cars), and basically live several steps above where I did after law school and with my first job. A different level of ‘student budget’ than I ever had. There is a lot more flying home for a weekend, or traveling to Mexico for break than I ever noticed when I was in school. I did go to college with some kids from very wealthy families, but the college kids didn’t have fancy cars and trips to Europe all the time, they lived like I did and pitched in for pizza and beers like I did.
I will say both kids are at their first choice of college, but they were steered toward those schools by a wise mother who was very aware of the budget constraints. We looked at very few schools that would have been a stretch for the budget and quickly backed off if the numbers didn’t work. They also went to a high school where, of those who went on to college, about 80% attend instate schools.
Yes, and yes. She has been required to pay for gas when she is at home and uses the car. That started senior year, when she began taking the car to school. And, once our kids started working in high school, they are in charge of personal expenses and buying their own clothes (they go to Thrift Stores, scout Target for sales and Plato’s Closet),
She has the attitude of an entitled spoiled child, and I’m saying it really surprises me, knowing our circumstances, how the kids were raised, and how different she is from the older one.
Maybe she fancies herself as deserving what her rich friends have. Really, I don’t know. We are mere mortals and there’s nothing to be ashamed of in that.
@AlexDad2016 that is not my experience at all as a hiring supervisor at at national company.
@midwest67 just tell her the financial restrictions and let her figure it out. Nothing more to be said. Don’t EVER offer to cosign.
@midwest67 Just goes to show that much is nature instead of nurture. Kids are definitely born with their own personalities, aren’t they?
Stick to your guns and stick to what is right for your family’s finances. All financial experts worth their salt will tell you to prioritize retirement savings first.
Yes, that is pretty odd if she can manage spending on personal expenses and clothes, but cannot seem to grasp the concept that some colleges may be too expensive. Also, the idea of UIUC as a college of disappointment seems quite odd.
I think Midwest67’s daughter might understand the actual math, but struggles with how unfair it all is to her. My second daughter is like that. When she was a toddler and learning about money, she found the whole sales tax thing to be terribly unfair as the item said it cost $2 and yet she knew that having $2 was just not going to be enough to buy that item. Very unfair. She did have an ‘aha’ moment one time when I put gas in the car and we drove for a couple of hours and she looked over and the gas was at half full. Shock, gas costs money and it gets used up! More shocks this year as she moved out of her dorm because ‘it is so much cheaper’ to live off campus. Surprise, she now has to pay rent, but also electricity, cable, internet. Someone has to clean, and that take cleaning supplies. Insurance is needed.
She is amazed at how much the things I used to pay for cost - airfare, cleats, annual dues for associations. She’s learning, but still thinks it is unfair because many of her friends are still totally supported by their parents.
Almost impossible at $250k almost everywhere.
My older, content kid is at UIUC. She did community college to UIUC. No private high school.
The younger one is the recipient of the Patterson Scholarship at UK in Lexington, a full ride, and feels punished.
Similar to @twoinanddone describes, yes, she sees most of her private high school friends getting what they want from their wealthy parents and she sees it as unfair.
Presumably, she went to a high school with students from more mixed economic backgrounds?
Seems like this socialization aspect could be a significant drawback to some top-end (academically) high schools (private or public) that are populated mainly by students from very wealthy backgrounds.
The scariest thing to me is projecting these costs out to the next generation. It feels like parents now are on the brink of affordability. I use the word affordability not in the conservative sense but in the ability sense. After all equity has been mortgaged out, all retirement funds raided, and all possible credit lines exhausted; what happens then? How is the next generation going to afford schools that cost $150K a year? I doubt my grandchildren will ever have the same opportunities. I wonder how society will be when the populace is no longer educated. Will we enter a new dark ages?
^^^ It will never cost more than people can afford and are willing to pay.
And by “people” I mean enough people to fill the school, not any specific person or class of people.
I’m sorry, but there are so many things in the world that are tragically “unfair” that this seems like entitled whining. Ex used to say that fair is for games and little children.
Midwest- big hug to you. This is a challenging situation for sure and it sounds like you and your H have worked incredibly hard to provide your kids with an education despite the rocky road financially.
I have one suggestion for you though- and forgive me if I am misinterpreting the situation. But I have a lot of friends in similar situations to yours- and one thing that does not work so well with teenagers and college kids is for mom and dad to silently weather the sacrifices they make in order to protect their kids. I get it when a friend started moonlighting so they didn’t have to tell their 8 year old daughter that she had to quit ballet. But your D isn’t 8 years old anymore.
My friends kids quite literally have NO IDEA what trade-offs their parents have made and are making to keep them in college. None. So the daughters are resentful that their friends are joining sororities and getting weekly manicures and having their hair done for parties- and they are not. And the mom’s are silent. And you want to say to their daughter (on your friends behalf) “your mom has a job in a professional environment- do you ever wonder how long it’s been since SHE had her hair done? You whine that you want a nice vacation over break- when is the last time your mom and dad got away for three days in a row that didn’t involve a family funeral or painting grandma’s house to save money on a professional paint job?”
If you are moldering in silence- maybe it’s time to speak. Not to guilt your daughter into not wanting nice things- that’s human nature. But to make her aware that you aren’t being mean by putting her on a budget- but that the entire family is working hard to get her and her sister to the finish line- a college degree- and that everyone is gritting their teeth in order to accomplish that.
I know families where there is a lot of belt-tightening going on and everyone seems ok with it- no cable- hey that’s fine, the lessons and the extras and the traveling soccer and the occasional meal out have all gone out the window, usually because of a medical issue but sometimes a lost job- and it’s remarkable that everyone has figured out that this is the new reality. And there are other families where lesser sacrifices are creating real rifts. The dad is resentful that his leisure time is spent mowing the lawn and raking leaves and not at a game with the guys. The mom is resentful that her social life is curtailed- can’t keep up with the old friends, and no time anyway. The kids are spinning with resentment that things have changed even if they can’t articulate why they are upset since they KNOW that other people have it much worse.
I think communicating about what everyone is doing and it’s a shared enterprise may help.
@Erin’s Dad yes that was a sweeping generalization. in my company and prior company it was pretty damn tough to get your foot in the door if you weren’t from a national or regional “target” school, and these were all the usual suspects. I don’t think it’s a good approach, but that was the way it was for me (only new hires…experienced hires no one cared a bit about where you went to school).
@AlexDad2016 I totally agree. Nobody cares where you went to school once you have the experience (ivies excluded). This is what makes the college process so frustrating. Kids seem to think that they need to get into a top school to get a top job. That might be true from the onset. But once you have some experience you can join those top firms. Life is a long journey. It is not a short term race to see who can start in a top job first.