What is the problem with getting married young?

Parent Cafe
81

I suppose I should provide some additional information after seeing some commonalities in others’ posts. First of all, I do not believe that just because my fiance and I are successful in school, work ect. means we will have a successful marriage. I have a rather large family and naturally, I have built my perspective from the life I was brought into. My mother has 4 siblings and all but one are divorce (all have children, but divorced years and years after having these children, so I don’t believe they divorced solely due to the existence of their children). My father also has 4 sisters, all of whom are divorced. My mother and father have been married for over 30 years and have been through several periods in their relationship in which divorce has been a very real possibility. My father is manic bipolar, and about 15 years into their marriage he had an episode that, in short, landed him in the hospital for months and resulted in him being prohibited from residing in our home (both due to his mental health and because there were concerns with CPS being that I was a minor and victim in the episode). My mother tells me now to this day that she still doesn’t know whether or not she regrets staying with him, but ONLY because she worries about the safety of my sisters and I. I’m very close with my mother, and for that reason I suppose I am inclined to accept and value her opinion first and foremost. I have seen first- handedly a marriage get ripped and torn to shreds day by day. Growing up, there was not a day my parents didn’t fight, and, for many years, there was not a day where my mother didn’t threaten to leave. I have three older sisters, but the youngest one is 8 years older than me, so we have not exactly been subject to the exact same circumstances growing up. My mother and father are happier together now than they’ve been, but they’re still not as happy as they were when they first fell in love, nor will they ever be. As you can probably tell based on my background, my parents have absolutely no assets to their name and have a relatively low yearly income due to neither of them having a college education and my father being unable to maintain jobs with his condition (which is why I am so dependent on financial aid). My parents are not able to give me and my 3 sisters a dime towards college and our lives after high school, which is why, by default, I am kind of forcibly independent.

My point is, that I am very much in love with my fiance, but have not always been so ready to jump into marriage with him. The upbringing I’ve had has allowed me to be VERY aware of real issues in a marriage that some adults of any age may never be, and thus, throughout our relationship I have always been reluctant to take things to another level out of my fear OF ending up divorced (or even worse, married but eternally broken inside). I do not fear divorce because I doubt my feelings for this man, but solely for the reason mentioned above. I am not in love with this man because I know he will be successful financially, nor should I be. I love him for the patience and understanding he has with me and his DESIRE to give me the world, not the ABILITY to. I would NEVER even think of bringing a child into this world without financial stability, again due to my upbringing, and my fiance shares the same values. But with that being said, I know I am in love with a man who I can trust to stay with me if, by some chance, I did get pregnant before we were ready; I know I am in love with a man who will fight his hardest to get us out of whatever mess we’re in for the sake of his children and myself.

Some other notes:

  1. My three sisters are all married. The oldest got engaged at 19 and was married by 20. She managed to finish her doctorate in pharmacy while being married and living with her husband. She was out of school by the end of her program, so she was 24, and had her first child immediately after. She and her husband have been married for over 11 years now and have 3 children. My other 2 sisters happened to be affected differently by their upbringing and resulted to alcoholism and failing/dropping classes and taking the financial aid refunds to buy clothes and unnecessary items. Needless to say, it took them a little longer to get their heads screwed on straight. The one got married at the age of 30 and is pregnant with her first child, although she has a 13 year old step-daughter (daughter of the man she married). The other got married this year at the age of 26 and is currently finishing her associates degree.
  2. My parents and my fiance’s parents fully support our relationship and our plans to get married after college. His parent’s only concern is that they pay for his education and it is against their values for us to live with one another and wed until he is financially completely independent. They have stated numerous times that if we wed as soon as HE graduates (not even before I graduate), that they will fully support it. My parents have always been adamant in me finishing school before marriage, but lately they have expressed their opinion that they wouldn’t oppose even if we chose to do differently. (This is vastly different from when my sister got engaged at 19, when my parents were absolutely furious)

***In short, if you don’t want to take the time to read all of this, my upbringing has offered me a wide-range of examples of marriages that do and do not work, and has allowed me to conclude that convenience only makes things easier, but it does not always ensure you will have a happy marriage(nothing does, for that matter). Because of my upbringing, I am actually more inclined to be very reluctant to getting engaged/married, and I would never bring children into the world without financial stability. And lastly, we have the full support of the people we love most, which says a lot to begin with.

82

After reading your last post, I’d be more inclined to say, “take it slowly” I think there is a very real possibility that, on an unconscious level, you are looking for someone to rescue you from your chaotic background into a nest of stability. There is nothing wrong with that, but I think you would greatly benefit from knowing that you could make it successfully on your own. I’m not suggesting that you should break up with your boyfriend, but it may be to your benefit to defer talk of marriage until after you’ve graduated from college and have started in your career.

Best of luck to you, truly.

83

One more important point: I am in no rush to get engaged/married. I am choosing to act upon the feelings I have now because I am confident in them. I understand that “statistics say…”, but after growing up in a mobile home park for 18 years and subsequently being where I am today, I am not really one to base some of the biggest decisions in my life off of statistics. Frankly, I just don’t see the point in waiting solely because I MIGHT change, or my fiance MIGHT change. I don’t WANT to be in a serious and committed relationship for 8 years just waiting to see if it will “work out”. I believe NOW that it will, as does my fiance. And if it doesn’t, it doesn’t. But how can you be happy living your life questioning whether or not it will? People change at ALL ages. I anticipate undergoing some big changes just as I anticipate my fiance undergoing some as well. But fundamentally, I know I will always be who I am and he will always be who he is. And if our love for one another is based off of that, then what is there to be worried about? It’s kind of hard at this point to say “You know what, let’s just hold it off” for the sole reason of waiting to see what changes we undergo as people. There comes a point in life where you either want someone forever or you don’t, and not always does this point occur at the age of 25+; the point comes when your feelings get there. He’s not perfect, nor am I. And I think we both have growing up to do. But after spending these critical years together, it’s really proven that we can grow up together without growing apart. So while I’ve thought about it, I guess I’m just not really concerned with it for those reasons.

84

@calicash For graduate school, I believe it is. For undergraduate, I know it is at least top five. It typically goes back and forth between UofM and Stanford for the #1 ranking. That is actually irrelevant, though. The point to be made by stating that was that I did not simply follow my fiance to the university, because, being such a good school with a low acceptance rate, you have to have much else going for you aside from the fact that your significant other attends there.

85

@candschart “graduate school” isn’t ranked. Many programs (like the one I’m in) are ranked between #1-5 but it’s not the top ranked public. It’s very highly ranked though and that’s all that matters… rankings are stupid anyway.

What is the rush for marriage? I am young, like you, and I admit that I primarily married so I could add my partner to my insurance. There is no difference in my life now that I’m married as opposed to the many years we spent living together. That isn’t to say I don’t love him… I do, very much, but one doesn’t need a piece of paper to prove love or grow together.

I apologize if this has already been addressed but is there a legal, financial, or religious reason why you need to marry? If not, why not just live together?

86

@nottelling I will admit that part of me urges to be married in general (not necessarily young), for that reason. I’m a little cautious of what you are talking about because it’s quite obvious that that’s what my sister has done. Up until her and her now husband’s marriage, she would call my mother crying on the phone that he didn’t take her out to breakfast. They’ve been married a few months and she’s already having fits about how they don’t have children yet (not to mention shes in a radiology program and realistically can’t afford the risks of becoming pregnant). Aside from that, she has actually grown tremendously from where she used to be because of this man. Their marriage is backed by Catholicism and he, fortunately, can deal with her immaturity and can help her out of it. I’m nowhere near as dramatic/irrational as this, but I think that no matter how old we are, the men my sisters and I choose/have chosen to be with will always have to accept that there is a part of us that NEEDS marriage as a stability in order to be happy. It’s not necessarily that I need a man to be happy, it’s more that if I have a man, I need one that is willing to commit to me long term to be happy. The spiritual part of me believes that part of the reason this man is for me is because he has saved me and that we were meant to find each other early in life.

87

@romanigypsyeyes As his parents are paying for his education, they won’t allow us to reside with one another until he graduates (even though he pays for his housing). There is no rush to be married, hence why we are not headed to the alter now. We want a wedding that our family and friends can share with us and we happen to be able to have that after he has worked for 2 years in his field. There is no rush, but there is no wait either. He is studying to become a nuclear engineer, so his best job prospects are out of state. Whereas the career I am planning for has opportunities all over. We want a formal commitment to one another post graduation because it’s the natural progression of things. By that I mean, what’s best for us career wise is to move out of state as soon as I am graduate, and if we are going to move out of state in hopes of finding relatively permanent positions at companies, that means we want a permanent place of residency as well. And if we are going to buy a house,car, ect. together, for insurance purposes, it follows logical flow for us to get married. If we’re sharing everything in our lives by that point, it’s time for us to get married.

88

I think young people want to take time to grow and learn as a person, before marrying someone else, but honestly if you have a great relationship go ahead

89

I honestly don’t see anything in your posts that say you should get engaged now. But you seem to have your mind made up. Not actually sure why you came here for advice. You claim to have many examples and are quite sure you think you know what you are doing. I assure you that at 18, you don’t.

90

Ok, and I agree that by that point it’ll probably be a good time to get married… but by that time you’ll be somewhere around 22, right? That’s not that young.

You can get engaged now, if you want. Getting engaged realistically doesn’t mean anything other than you’re publicly saying that you’re intending to get married. I think you should stick to your plan of waiting until after you graduate.

91

@intparent I already am engaged, so that’s not really the matter here. I claim to have many examples of people of all ages in many different situations, yes. Do I claim to have all the experiences that everyone typically “should” have before marriage? No. To be honest, I would prefer to save some of the greatest experiences FOR my marriage, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I love the nights I’m able to stay the night in my fiance’s apartment with him. I share a lot responsibilities with him because I’m there so often.(i.e. cooking, cleaning). As far as finances go, I obviously don’t, but I do know that he is a conservative spender and logs EVERY purchase he makes, so no red flags there. I didn’t necessarily come for advice, I explicitly stated I was looking to hear some alternative perspectives and to hear why something that was so common in the past is so frowned upon now. It’s not up to anyone to determine whether or not I know what I’m doing. If I had to come to a website to ask strangers what I should do with my life, I really SHOULDN’T be getting married. You’re correct, I have made my mind up. Again, solely asking for perspectives just because I’m curious. Under what circumstances do you think someone SHOULD someone get engaged at my age? Just curious

92

Never. Literally never.

93

@romanigypsyeyes That essentially our take on it. Engagement isn’t marriage, it just shows everyone our intentions are to be with each other. We actually think that, being so young, having a 2-3 year engagement will give some people time to acclimate to our decision. I’m sure some never will, but we’d rather take our time and make it easier on us than to get married as soon as possible. There’s no reason to be married up until the point I mentioned to you. And yes, I’ll be 21 at least. Possibly 22, depending on how long it takes me to graduate.

94

I can’t tell you not to do it, because I’d be a hypocrite. My engagement worked out well for me because it made me truly think about my future, and I realized what I mentioned a few pages back about my ex not being the right one for me.

You seem to have your mind made up. I think the others here make very good points that are worth listening to… even if I still went the young route.

Given your background, I highly encourage you to have pre-marital counseling. Especially for those of us who haven’t always had stability in our lives, a neutral perspective on a life-altering decision is a good idea.

I do wish you the best.

95

@intparent Then, under what circumstances should anyone of any age get engaged? I mean honestly, what reason do you have to get engaged or to marry anyone? Because one day you’ve magically accumulated all of the experiences you need to have a successful marriage, so you just marry them? It’s hard for me to understand why people apply such a sweeping generalization to very subjective circumstances. Do you just not believe that young people are not capable of distinguishing between love and infatuation?

96

I never said young people could not be in love. But love is only a part of what is required for a successful union between people; you are vowing to live with this person and foresake all others for 60+ years. Both you and the person you are marrying will likely be very different human beings in 10 years than you are today. This upcoming period is the biggest period of change and transition in your lives. You think you are fully formed, and that your fiancé is as well. You are not. I would say 25 is a much more rational age to get engaged. It isn’t just random that it isn’t 18 – you really aren’t grown up yet.

97

According to the New York Times, divorce is on a downward turn.

“About 70 percent of marriages that began in the 1990s reached their 15th anniversary (excluding those in which a spouse died), up from about 65 percent of those that began in the 1970s and 1980s. Those who married in the 2000s are so far divorcing at even lower rates. If current trends continue, nearly two-thirds of marriages will never involve a divorce, according to data from Justin Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist (who also contributes to The Upshot).”

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/02/upshot/the-divorce-surge-is-over-but-the-myth-lives-on.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&_r=4&abt=0002&abg=0

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@intparent Fair enough. I never said I thought I was fully formed, though. I actually stated that we weren’t. Experiences shape who you are, yes, but I don’t believe they fundamentally change who you are. It’s rare that a decade of experiences make you more immoral than you already are. If anything, they help you develop morals and values, not take them away.

My point is that we already have a significant amount of values, all of which we agree on. Most people my age don’t. This is why many young couples who choose to get married typically share religious views; it allows them to share all of the packaged morals that come along with that particular religion. Most people my age do not graduate early, and do not have secured offers at companies. My fiance and I both happen to be pursuing careers in engineering. Job prospects for both of us are almost inherently great just because of the demand for engineers, not to mention our university is highly ranked and recognized for engineering. As I stated in an earlier post, by the time I graduate, he will move out of state for his career (the best opportunities for nuclear engineers are in the southern states). And if I am graduated and we are in a relationship, I will obviously follow and look for work nearby (it wouldn’t make much sense for me not to, considering I’m pursuing a career in which opportunities are available nationwide) If, combined, we are making a six figure income of some sort at the age of of 22 and 23 respectively, and have the money for a house, cars, etc. are you suggesting that we wait 3 more years to become engaged just because of our age? You’re right, I’m still 18. And there are a lot of things that coming with being 18 that I can’t deny exist within me, but in many ways, I am not a typical 18 year-old.

The reason most people my age change drastically within a decade is because it takes time for them to learn to make decisions on their own, and as they make those decisions, they change as people. I’m a little different in this sense in that grants pay for the majority of my education/living expenses and I work to cover the difference. On the other hand, my fiance’s parents pay his tuition, so for the next year he’s not quite there yet. However, he works to pay for housing and food and everything else he needs. There’s no doubt in my mind that my fiance will change within the next year as he becomes completely independent. I’ve watched the transition of his parents paying for everything to him paying for his living expenses and how it has affected him. If anything, he gained MORE values and MORE insight. If anything, his parents will willingly support him in full and even warn him AGAINST getting a job in school, but he WANTS to work to support himself. And that just isn’t something most 19 year olds do. So while I agree that it is simply not possible to be completely mature and formed at our ages, I argue that we are not your typical 18 and 19 year old college kids, and to say that we should reject all the circumstances that are conducive to a successful life (referring to when we are graduated) because we are not yet 25 is a little extreme.

If you act like an adult, and can support yourself like one, then in my opinion, you should be able to make adult decisions. Essentially, if you can buy a house and support yourself in it, I think its fitting to say that you can get married. After all, there is no law the prohibits the marriage of anyone under the age of 25.

99

You don’t know what you don’t know… but no one can teach you in an internet post.

100

This is admittedly anecdotal, but one observation my parents and many older relatives and friends of their generation (Born before 1945) made in relation to this is their astonishment at how young adults who are contemplating marriage in recent years are considering a lot of factors and life issues they didn’t pay much or any heed to before they got married. For all of the ones I’ve talked with…love was all they felt they needed and they “jumped in” to the marriage regardless of whether they married very young or more in their mid-20s. Even the ones who have had great marriages felt this trend is the much more prudent than what they did before they got married.