<p>If my daughter has a very good friend (a guy) who is a teen (16-17, probably) and lives far away from us. Right now they are just friends, but very close. We dont know the kids family at all. His family doesnt know us either. Not only that, the parents most likely dont even know his friendship with our d. Apparently he doesnt say much to his parents about his social life. My D. is quite close to us so she told us at least 50% of her contact with him and the nature of their friendship. The boy is very intelligent. But at times he seems to be depressed severely. Sometimes even D. is worried. What would you do if you were in this kind of situation? Like to hear from you. Thanks.</p>
<p>This sounds a little bit familiar except that in our case, I’m not sure there was ever a “just friends” stage, it took the girl a while to let her parents know what was going on, and since then, the parents have met and have been in direct contact.</p>
<p>How did the kids meet? What are the odds you could meet his parents without being too obvious about why?</p>
<p>lol…helicopter parents…</p>
<p>Is this somebody she has actually met in real life, like at a summer program, or simply somebody she has gotten to know online?</p>
<p>yes they knew each other in school. They were good friends in school. Then it developed after they moved. We didn’t know it until recently. yes helicopter took photos…</p>
<p>You mean should you consider contact the guy’s parents? From the point of view of protecting your daughter, that might not be necessary, since they may break off their special “friendship.” But if I were the boy’s mom, I’d like to know… :)</p>
<p>hmm… these are tough years.
There is basically no way to contact the boy’s parents without being too obvious, unless we meet in a professional meeting or something. We’re not in the same field though. Now the family is 6 hours away. Any suggestions or thoughts? It starts to really bother us. (I mean the problem, not the boy. )</p>
<p>There’s too much code here. What’s the question? Why do you want to meet the boy’s parents? </p>
<p>Simply because he and your daughter are friends, romantic or otherwise? Forget it. That’s not your choice to make. Not that I haven’t enjoyed meeting the parents of my kid’s girlfriends, but it has always been before or after the fact, never during the critical period of the relationship, and never, ever behind the kids’ backs.</p>
<p>Because you want to tell them your daughter tells you she is worried their son, whom you do not know at all, may be depressed? If your daughter is that worried, SHE should be encouraged to tell them. Or to ask you to talk to them. But unless the decision comes from her, you should only do anything if you are somehow morally convinced that there is such imminent risk of permanent harm (i.e., a suicide attempt) that you should put your own relationship with your daughter at risk by reaching out to the boy’s parents. And you WILL be putting your own relationship with your daughter at risk if you do that (I, in her shoes, would not be confiding anything in you for a long, long time). And there’s NO POSSIBLE WAY you know enough about this boy you have never met to intervene in his life over your daughter’s objections.</p>
<p>Also, don’t expect to be thanked – you or your daughter – if you do that. In my experience, parents are rarely relieved and grateful when you notice their children’s mental illnesses. The possibilities are (a) they knew, and they resent your meddling, (b) they didn’t know, and don’t want to, and they resent your meddling, (c) your daughter is completely off base, and they resent your meddling on such crazy grounds, (d) you have completely misread your daughter’s concerns, and they really resent your meddling because you are such an idiot, (e) they are evil, abusive people who will make their son pay for revealing their secret, and your daughter, too, or (f) they have been a little worried and are grateful for the heads-up from people they don’t know and they’re not at all embarrassed to be hearing fundamental truths about their son via a girl they didn’t know existed and her parents. That last one doesn’t happen much.</p>
<p>This is your daughter’s life. Counsel her to do the right thing, always. But don’t butt into it without a clear invitation.</p>
<p>The right thing to do is
- Make sure your D knows you love her and support her no matter what, in other words, she can and should trust you. Make sure it’s true.
- Make sure she knows all about birth control
- Make sure she knows that you trust her judgement
- After that, you don’t have a role to play unless she asks you to have one, which she most likely won’t</p>
<p>
My mom tells me it doesn’t get any easier.</p>
<p>You say that at times, your D has been “worried.” What has the boy said and/or done to arouse her concern? Does she think he’s “depressed severely” or is that your interpretation of what she’s telling you? Sometimes kids don’t distinguish well between sadness and depression. Does her discussing this with you imply she wants your opinion or more active involvement? I think I might ask, point blank, “are you asking me for help with this?”</p>
<p>Has she told him she is concerned for his mental health? It’s a lot to put on the head of a kid that age, but she might be most effective at saying, “I’m your friend and I’m worried about you. Would you like me to help you find a professional nearby that you could talk to?” Then you, behind the scenes, could help her find such a person.</p>
<p>If your gut tells you this is serious enough to warrant direct intervention , you do need to be aware that there are trust relationships that are at risk. He might not forgive her for talking to you (or is this a subconscious plea for help on his part?). She might have a hard time forgiving you for intervening without her knowledge or permission.</p>
<p>She will be learning something about parenting from this. What do you want her to learn?</p>
<p>wow thanks for your opinion. I feel like a big burden off my shoulder! Have something talking to W now. 
Thanks!</p>
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<p>This may be true but I absolutely believe that if the situation were that serious, the daughter would be secretly relieved that an adult stepped in.</p>
<p>Sometimes kids need our help, even when they insist otherwise. And we can never let fear of hurt feelings take priority over a crisis situation.</p>
<p>
Agreed…</p>
<p>How about asking your D what SHE wants you to do ?</p>