<p>I know I should probably (once again) just shut up and realize that with such a fantastic choice, there was no way my S could go wrong, and I should just be thankful he was blessed with such riches from which to choose. But there is still some weird insanely-happy-yet-terribly-sad emotion going on that I can’t quite name.</p>
<p>I am sitting at the kitchen table with little tears running down my face. My S has just finished filling out all the forms to accept or decline offers of admission to colleges. He happily check off the “will attend” box on the MIT form and filled out the questionnaire, but when he got to the other “biggie”, checking the decline box on the Olin form, he paused. He’d already sent a wonderful, long, thoughtful email to the Dean of Admissions there last night, explaining the difficulty he had in making his decision and the reasons why he ultimately chose MIT over Olin. And he printed a copy of that note to include in the envelope with his decline form. But it was almost heartbreaking to watch him stare at that form, unable to force his hand to check the “decline” box. He sighed, and put his head down, and then finally did check it. He folded everything up, put it in the envelope, then took it all out again to look at it. I asked him if he was having second thoughts and wanted to change his decision, since it was not final yet and he did have two more weeks in which to think about it. He said no, his decision wouldn’t change, but that it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. “Mom, Olin is awesome, I can’t believe I’m turning them down, that’s all.” I told him he could wait, if he felt unsure, but he sealed up the envelope and went upstairs.</p>
<p>I am thrilled that he will be attending MIT. I know it will be a good fit for him. But I would also have been thrilled had he chosen to attend Olin. It would have been a great adventure. He could not have gone wrong with either choice, truly. So why can’t I just be happy for him? Maybe it’s some grief thing I have to get through? </p>
<p>Is there something I should be doing to help him with what he must be dealing with? Or should I just let it go and assume it’s one of those “buyer’s remorse” things that will pass soon? Thanks, friends…</p>
<p>I don’t know the answer. But possibly it would interest you to know that I am having the same problem with DS, and it sounds like I feel the same way that you do.</p>
<p>I would congratulate, and tell him he’s just done a great job of making his first important adult decision and that you have confidence he’ll ace life having watched him.</p>
<p>And, a parent’s empathy for their child is compounded by something like 100X! </p>
<p>I can imagine how you feel, mootmom. Wouldn’t it be better if the choice was more concrete? But, this is a life-lesson…so many choices ahead…so many difficult decisions. And, as they grow, they’ll become more confident in their ability to choose…and never look back. Thank Goodness you were there to witness one of the first major choices…and to support the angst that accompanies it. </p>
<p>Zagat is right! Confidence will build…for both of you. </p>
<p>My son was just here…sitting with me…discussing his college choice and discussing how he feels about some of his friends who did “nothing” and got into top schools. He’s dismayed. “Mom, he doesn’t even own a backpack and he’s in at Duke…I bet I could have gotten in at Harvard…even though I think I would have hated it” … Ahhhhh, such is the time for deep discussions and counsel. </p>
<p>Mootmom, assure your son…his decision is the best one for him. Gosh, so much of our succes in life is based on our ability to make good decisions… and live with them.</p>
<p>Awwww, sweetie, I can SO relate to everything in your post!! This is just the toughest thing, isn’t it? And I’m sure it’s part of the reason why my son has not been quite able to bring himself to decide…just yet. When people refer to two (or MORE) great choices, they are being totally honest! And for every choice embraced, there is one that must be relinquished. It is so very normal for BOTH of you to feel this poignant twinge. I feel it already, and we aren’t even to that point yet. I KNOW that I will experience exactly what you have been. I’m quite sure a few tears will be shed–tears for having to make a difficult and lasting choice, tears of relief for finally being able to do so, and tears of…well, of “where did my little boy go?”. Please know that I will be thinking of you and holding both you and your sweet son in my heart. Hang in there…I’ll be with you soon enough… love, ~berurah</p>
<p>The decision seems such a momentous one… and there is no way to know which was the “right” decision until one has experienced both/all of the choices … but one cannot experience more than one of the choices … so the uncertainty stays in our minds … even if it isn’t in our hearts… so we can’t really let it all go… even though we know that there could have been more than one right choice… </p>
<p>I had the good fortune to see my S at his choice - AFTER he had made the choice, at Engineering Scholar Day. Most were there to absorb more data to make their decision, but we were there because I (and tho he may not have admitted it, he) wanted him to get a head start on acclimation.</p>
<p>I can tell you that it was pure pleasure seeing him so comfortable, engaged and happy there. It was a feeling almost of elation, and stays with me. So - you may not experience this until you see them there next year at Parents’ Weekend. Hold out til then. It’s a great feeling.</p>
<p>Watching and sharing that moment with your DS was a monumental moment -him making that little check mark is symbolic of stepping over that line from adolescence to adulthood - and his action is reality - and that moment only happens once - a feeling you will only experience once - what you have prepared your kiddo for during all these years - all that has come before that moment is preperation for that leap that thay must take. You have done your job well.</p>
<p>Mootmom – I went through this last year, and know exactly how you are feeling. I even sent my own emails to the people who had helped us so much at the schools S was declining. I really felt bad, as did S. They were all good schools, and he would have been happy at any. I am the kind of person who has a hard time saying no to anybody. It was also a case of wanting my cake and eating it, too. Each school had positives and negatives, and at times, I found myself comparing the negatives of the choice school with the positives of the declined schools. But a year later has given us great perpective. S’s choice has been soooo perfect for him. He has grown so tremendously where he is, both musically and personally, that I can’t believe I ever had reservations.</p>
<p>I read recently that when you have to make a difficult choice, to put your reasons down on paper. Then later, when you second guess yourself, you can be reminded of why you made that choice.</p>
<p>Your S sounds like a thoughtful, caring person, who was able to understand the gift he was given in these acceptances. Now that he has made his choice, he will need to let go of Olin emotionally so he doesn’t carry a lot of “what if’s” to MIT.</p>
<p>And congratulations to him for the successes he’s already had.</p>
<p>Mootmom and everyone who has responded- thanks so much for this post. I was just about to query if anyone else felt like I do and now I know I’m not alone. We didn’t understand recruitment before we began the application process so D has had to contact every coach to make sure she could swim on the team if she is admitted. They have been delightful people and have worked so hard for her and it is hurting us so much to have to tell them that she’s not going to attend. I’m in tears right now. D had wonderful choices and we are all very happy with her final decision, but this is really painful. She needed financial aid to attend anywhere and some of these people really pulled out all the stops for her, but the process seems to have gone on for so long before we had all the information to weigh that the relationships have been formed and D almost feels like she is betraying these people. And it’s so sad to think of everywhere she is not going and all of the possibilities at those places. I know it will all fade in time, but I’m glad to know our reaction is not unique. Thanks.</p>
<p>OH, YES!!! Your entire post was beautiful and expressed exactly how my son and I both feel. I definitely did not forsee this. Congrats to you D on making her excellent choice and BIG HUGS to you both for that which you had to give up! love, ~berurah</p>
<p>I agree, as long as you feel it is the right place for him. Because they are reaching the stage of life where there isn’t a right answer, where even the wrong answer sometimes has good consequences. So if you feel it’s right for him, all you can do now is wish him good luck. Choices only get more ambiguous and more important from here on out. You helped him in the process of deciding, you will help him in the process of experiencing the results of his decision. There is no way to know any more - and he’s getting ready to enter that world we know all too well. </p>
<p>Even if he hates MIT, you felt it was right, you told him, he chose. In this case, he can change his mind later if necessary. It’s practice for those choices that are harder or impossible to back out of, marriage, having children… I think that as always that we know we have done our best, and can say that to kids with a true heart, they will find their own way through the world.</p>
<p>usmominuk:
yes. yes, yes, three of the coaches we have dealt with have been so wonderful, I feel sad that we must say no to two of them! They were so helpful and seem such great people. Any of my DD’s choices will be good, so it is in her hands now, it is so tough. I do feel almost guilty to ahve taken up so much time & energy of these people and then to ahve to say No. But, then, if I had not used their time, she would not have had all the info nesc. to make a decision.</p>
<p>Such wonderful responses from everyone, thoughtful and insightful, and so much appreciated! Thank you all for sharing your feelings about this new experience. </p>
<p>ADad, usmominuk, berurah, and others in this situation: I’ve consoled myself a little today by remembering that every year, these adcoms and coaches work to recruit and admit more students than they can matriculate, so every year they experience some disappointments when students they’ve worked with do not choose to accept their school’s offer of admission. So they’ve probably been through it before: it’s just <em>US</em> that are dealing with it for the first time this year. Of course, we all know that this year they will regret it most, because it is <em>OUR</em> daughters and sons who will have to decline some of their offers but I think they’ll probably recover. </p>
<p>On to the decisions! Good luck all, and congrats on having raised all these fine young adults who are trying to make their best decision, knowing they can only ever have the experience of the path they chose to take.</p>
<p>The funny thing is that we act as if the two choices will take us down entirely different roads in our life. I don’t really think this is true. It seems to me that who he is basically inside is who he will be at either school; that, when he completes his college years, he will embark on pretty much the same path coming from either school. Yes, he would have had different friends, met different loves, had different teachers, but I believe that we will wind up at pretty much the same place because we direct ourselves to that place instinctively, because we bring ourselves to the schools, not because the schools make us who we are.</p>
<p>Given that, he should take a deep breath and exhale slowly, knowing that he is about to begin the next phase of his journey in becoming himself, the person he is internally driven to be regardless of his choice in school. And MIT will give him tons of rich and wonderful choices to experience in life on his way to “becoming.”</p>
<p>The feeling…I call it the “what if” fear; the fear that we are making a “life-changing” mistake, that we are given up something we could have had. But, as I said, he really isn’t “giving up” anything. He can have the same things at either school with respect to personal growth and experiences in life.</p>
<p>Quote:
“…the same place because we direct ourselves to that place instinctively, because we bring ourselves to the schools, not because the schools make us who we are…”</p>
<p>Wonderful post mootmom and iflyjets. No decision yet from DD. But boy is she channeling through a lot of information. These posts will help me with a little guiding and a lot of support for whatever her decision may be. Thanks!!</p>
<p>Mootmom, my heart goes out to you. I felt the same pain when my son sent out his letters yesterday. MIT was the only one my son felt sad about rejecting to go to Olin, but I feel a little sorrow for the loss of the possibilities that each one represented. To me, seeing the piles of acceptance packages that we so longed for makes me sad, because each one represents a promise and a future and a path not taken. I told my son that I wished he could do a little of this one and a little of that instead of having to choose just one. And I feel terrible about the wonderful MIT interviewer who put so much into helping him decide. I can’t quite believe that my son is turning down MIT, the school he has dreamed of attending for years, and I keep thinking of the things he will be missing. But if he had chosen MIT, I know I would be, like you, thinking of all he would be missing at Olin. At least, I feel glad that we were fortunate enough to have such a great choice.</p>
but I think they’ll probably recover. </p>