What is your opinion on this problem

Paying for College
1

<p>I didn’t know which forum this would go on, and I posted this question on yahoo answers earlier today if you recognize some of it.</p>

<p>So i was accepted into Umass amherst this fall, and it was the cheapest school i could go to so i decided to enroll there. I make more money than my parent right now so i have to pay for all of the college expenses myself. However, here is the problem: everytime i get paid, i am expected to make a $100-$300 contribution to the house, which annoys the hell out of me because im trying to save up as much as i can so i can pay my payment plan amounts easily for the first couple of months.</p>

<p>today my mother is saying that i HAVE to pay the cable bill. Of all bills to pay, I said i am not paying for that because its a joke. she is making no sense right now, saying that I have to make “adult decisions” but that seems childish since you should’nt have cable if you can’t afford it.</p>

<p>Anyway, she is telling me that i have to go to a commuter school so i dont have to pay much, but the real reason she wants me to stay is so i can work and go to school so i can help her with the house.</p>

<p>this is just a big joke, and she knows this is stupid because everytime i try to get outside advice, she ignores it</p>

<p>my real question is, what do i do? i am not paying on the cable bill, regardless of what she says</p>

<p>she has a daughter (my sister) and her father(sister’s) just sits all day using the cable and internet that IM paying for, and he is paying for squat. </p>

<p>I did have options to go live with somebody else, but they have been cut. I was going thinking about living with my grandmother, but my father doesn’t work and he moved in with her so I can’t do that.</p>

<p>I dont like complaining, but this situation makes no sense at all. My life is just full of a bunch of losers who just lounge all day while I work 10- 12 hour shifts, only to spend that money on non college relatd stuff and i just want others opinion on it.</p>

<p>thanks </p>

<p>Sent from my LG-VM701 using CC</p>

2

<p>Are you going to college this fall? When you get there, are you planning to get a job and stay there year round? If so, you only have another month to go before it’s time to leave. If you are portraying your home situation correctly, then when you leave there will be no cable and your family is going to be in some dire financial straits. That is not of your making, and once you are out and on your own, you won’t be at home to be berated about this.</p>

<p>When I left for college, I never came back home except as a guest occasionally. I know a number of people for whom life worked out that way. They became adults at age 18 and never looked back.</p>

<p>Maybe visiting dad and grandma before going off to college is the way to go. It won’t be much longer.</p>

3

<p>Thank you</p>

<p>You know that is exactly what I thought, but then my aunt calls me and says “your mother would never leave you like that”</p>

<p>It"s really bothering me to no end</p>

<p>Sent from my LG-VM701 using CC</p>

4

<p>Your aunt is only hearing one side of the story (your mother’s). It is none of her business in any event.</p>

<p>It sounds like there are two healthy adults in the home who should be able to support the household without your assistance. Unless there are extreme circumstances that you have left out, you are not abadoning anyone.</p>

<p>I agree with cpt that you should get out as soon as possible, find a year-round apartment in Amherst, and only return for visits as a guest on holidays. In fact, you should even consider making these holiday visits into day trips or staying with friends.</p>

5

<p>It might seem like you’re abandoning your family, but from my experiences, the only way to help them is to let them fend for themselves. If your sister’s dad just sits around all day, maybe once you leave he’ll have no choice but to get a job. Especially if he still wants to use the Internet or watch TV. </p>

<p>I agree with rmldad. I think you should find somewhere else to stay for the next few weeks and then stay at college as much as possible. Don’t feel like a bad person because you have to make the right decision for you, and not for your family.</p>

6

<p>Unless there is a good reason why no one else in your life can work, I would tell Mom that I can’t afford to live with her AND go to college, and I’d move on. If there’s a disability issue or something like that, I might think differently. Is UMass Amherst your commuter school (i.e., is the plan for you do live with your mom during the school year)? Do you have another place to live that will be less than what you’re paying toward your mom’s household? I don’t know how often you’re paid, so hard to know if you’re paying $100-300 every month or $100-300 every week. In any event, at this point you need to do what’s best for YOU and not allow people such as your aunt to guilt you into doing something else.</p>

7

<p>I’ve seen a few cases where a low income family suffering hardships finds that if they have a student who says s/he is in off campus housing, and is attending a local school, can get, between TAP, PELL, loans and maybe other funding, enough so that the family can get a little bit extra each month. This is fraud if the living arrangement is not truthfully revealed, as commuters get a lower COA than off campus students who are not living with parents. </p>

<p>The OP has already made arrangement to go away to school, and hopefully can make a go at it, and find work once there, and start his/her own life in Amherst.</p>

8

<p>Cpt, that’s not universally true. My U has the same coa no matter where you’re living. A quick look at umass Amherst’s FA page suggests they’re the same way.</p>

9

<p>I think you are being taken advantage of. Your mom is not being a good parent to you. You need to move on with your life.</p>

<p>And I agree with astults13. In a way, by moving away, you will be helping your family to become self-sufficient. When they cannot rely on you to help them pay the bills, they will quickly figure out how to do it themselves. I am sure pretty soon after you move-out, your step-dad will magically be able to find a job.</p>

10

<p>Agree that it is not universally true. But it happens. It is a bit of a break to have a kid in college, commuting to school and paying some expenses in some cases. I don’t blame families for wanting that choice.</p>

11

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<p>In general I agree with you. But not in this case if what OP says is true and there is an unemployed adult in that household who sits on his behind watching TV, while somebody else, who is not even that adult’s child goes to work to pay for said TV.</p>

12

<p>Once you’re in college, and the cable gets cut, some of those couch potatoes will either get off their butts and work, or twiddle their thumbs…either way, it’s not your problem.</p>

<p>Remind your mom and her H that having cable is a luxury, and if they can’t afford it, it has to go. </p>

<p>Get out of that house. those kind of people will be moochers as long as you let them. </p>

<p>Pre-pay as much as you can to your school so that you can honestly tell your mom that the money just isn’t there. </p>

<p>Ignore your aunt. If she thinks your mom shouldn’t be “abandoned,” then suggest that SHE give them the money that they are expecting you to give. If she says that she can’t afford to, then just say, “welcome to my world.” </p>

<p>BTW…your aunt probably wants you to pay so that they won’t bug HER for money.</p>

13

<p>I don’t think you should be reminding anyone anything while you are living there, and should keep your comments to what you need, not what they need or want. No sense in causing trouble to those who have enough problems. By getting yourself out of the rut, you will be in better shape in the future to help them if you should so choose, in things more pressing than the cable bill. But be gracious about it and don’t get into any battles. Enough battles to fight in life without picking any.</p>

14

<p>I agree that you need to keep your head down. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for mom to ask you to contribute although I don’t know if $100 here $300 there is a reasonable amount. But the problem seems to be that mom and you are the only ones working and neither of her children’s fathers are working. That’s certainly not your problem but I have a lot of sympathy for her and how you handle it depends a lot on your relationship with your mom. You NEED to save and you NEED to prepay things so there are no question about it. (Can you buy any of your books online now?) </p>

<p>If you want to help your mom besides a reasonable rent amount, you may want to see if there’s a share food program near you. If so, take sis down there and do the 2 volunteer hours a month to buy discounted groceries. That may be something your sister can do once you’re gone. It will give her volunteer hours, help her contribute to a cause and help mom a bit with the grocery bill.</p>

15

<p>I agree with the others - get out. By staying and handing over money you are enabling them and they have no reason to change. It may seem mean and heartless but you’ll be doing them a favor in the long run, not to mention saving your sanity and moving ahead with your life.</p>

<p>I have a son about your age, and if I asked him to hand over $100 to $300 every time he got paid, there would be hardly anything left! Go, and go quietly.</p>

16

<p>On an airplane, when the flight attendants review the basic safety information, they repeat this basic instruction: Put on your own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else with theirs. In other words, you have to take good care of yourself so that you are eventually in a position to help care for others. Scary as it may be to feel that you are walking away from your family, you need to do that right now.</p>

17

<p>There are lots of families where, for good reasons, a working kid contributes part of his paycheck. Sometimes that’s not a free will choice, but a necessity. Okay, now that that’s cleared:</p>

<p>About Auntie’s crack. Mom may not abandon you, especially not while you were younger, because it’s part of our parent responsibility to nurture, etc. But, then the kid reaches an age where our responsibility is to let go. You are at that age. It would be nice if you could continue to contribute some small, steady amount you feel is helpful and works for you But, the time has come for you to move to the next stage. Do it lovingly.</p>

18

<p>Your mother is basically replacing her “husband” with her son-financially, and I don’t think it is fair. Please whatever you do, go away to school, not community college. Your life is yours to live. Not trying to compensate for adults that are lazy. Cable is a luxury. I don’t have cable and I work two jobs!! LOL.
If I was you, make an exit plan. Quietly, start moving things out of your mom’s house to your grandmother’s house little at a time so that when you are ready to go, it won’t be a big deal. You have to leave now and go live your life. Guilt free.</p>

19

<p>Since we only know this situation from what the OP has stated, we can only logically comment on that basis. There may well be situations where the best thing overall would be if a student stayed at home, commuted to a local college and used whatever financial aid/loans he could get to help support the family. It really comes down to a decision the student has to make as he is now an adult. </p>

<p>There are family situations that are not conducive to getting through school or getting ahead or even healthy to a person. Some are even downright dangerous. My son had a classmate who was beaten to a pulp by an angry step father–he was living at home and things got that out of hand. But between the two extremes, there is a lot of middle ground, and only someone living the situation can make that decision, as it is his/her decision to make.</p>

20

<p>At this point, it is just a matter of when, not if, you are leaving. There will never be a “good” time from their perspective. It’s good that you are concerned about them, it means that you are a caring person. But you need to move on as an adult and pursue your own life. If you can occasionally help them out, then that’s great. But for now you need to concentrate on getting yourself out of that situation. I have enough family like this that I understand how it can just keep sucking you down if you don’t focus on rising above it.</p>