What main things are wrong with this essay?

[vaselmach23]

<p>I got a really low score and was pretty disappointed…
What can I improve on?</p>

<p>Can knowledge be a burden rather than a benefit?</p>

<p>Knowledge has its limits. Having a double-sided nature, knowledge can be either a burden or a benefit. Although knowledge as a benefit provides technological advances and quells curiosities, an excess in this power can lead to deleterious results. Evident in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 and also in the aftermaths of wars, possessing knowledge begets inconvenience.
Bad experiences usually engender bad memories. Those who experience war firsthand must deal with these bad memories as an aftermath of battle. Although there are the few who view war as an enlightening experience, most develop mental problems effected by daunting memories. In fact, war veterans are given reparations to compensate for their contribution to their country, As one of the most recent hand-to-hand combat wars, the Vietnam War induced Posttraumatic Stress Disorder among its many soldiers. Experiencing the death of a close friend or knowing that an innocent life fell on his hands, veterans are constantly faced with reoccurring memories caused by horrific knowledge of war.
Too much knowledge can become a threat. In Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, Montag, living in a futuristic world that promotes ignorance, is faced with the decision of conforming to society’s customs or condemning conformity and, thus, becoming a “knowledgeable” pariah. Ironically, Montag’s job as a man who burns books pushes him towards his search for knowledge. Deemed unacceptable by this monotonous society, Montag’s investigation eventually leads to his downfall as a “respectable” man. Montag and his quest for originality, therefore, demonstrate how threatening knowledge can be.
As clearly indicated above, knowledge, indeed, isn’t necessarily a beneficial tool. Both war memories and Montag’s curiosity illustrate knowledge’s burdensome effects. Our knowledge continues to grow at a rapid rate, but we must be careful in letting in overcome our control.</p>

[LuLuBB]

<p>

Knowledge has its limits. Having a double-sided nature, knowledge can be either a burden or a benefit. Although knowledge as a benefit provides technological advances and quells curiosities, an excess in this power can lead to deleterious results. Evident in Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 and also in the aftermaths of wars, possessing knowledge begets inconvenience.

</p>

<p>This first paragraph reads like “double speak” - it isn’t clear. The phrase “Although knowledge as a benefit” is odd - you could just give a clear examples of benefits and burdens w/o having to tell the reader which one you are talking about. If it’s a clear example, you shouldn’t need to tell them.</p>

<p>The reference of Fahrenheit 451 assumes the reader has read the book and knows exacly what you are talking about. Perhaps you shouldn’t reference the book until later in the essay. You could use the reference, but it does require some explaination - which you didn’t give until later.</p>

<p>The mixure of a very specific reference (Bradbury) and then a very general one (war) does not underscore or even make your point that “possessing knowledge begets inconvenience.”</p>