The problem you describe is not assigned seating per se, it is assigned seating done BADLY.
The thoughtful host will seat the group of old friends together in the first place. That way everyone can proceed comfortably to their table, with no scrabbling around looking for seats to save for the friends, etc, etc. Without assigned seats the group of old friends could easily find themselves split between two tables with other people who would be prefer to be sitting with THEIR groups. But everyone had to rush in and stake out territory, so now they’re stuck.
I agree on the inconvenience and unpleasantness of a long gap between ceremony and reception. I have to say that I really do not enjoy “lots of heartfelt toasts and speeches.” Please, no!
Although your niece didn’t care, if the first person the guest in shorts encountered was the guest in a lace dress, both likely felt at least somewhat uncomfortable, thus possibly giving rise to a moment of awkwardness incompatible with a carefree sense of fun. It is no fun to feel overdressed or underdressed, so some sort of signal is useful, even if the hosts ultimately don’t care. Getting the word out by word of mouth is fine, but most people appreciate some direction, whether it be “shorts and jeans,” “nice casual,” “suits optional,” “cocktail,” or “black tie.”
Oh, and do you really think I would have let my 10 year old on the autism scale be seated away from at least someone in her family? I made sure she was with me, and swapped place cards to do it.
Part of the problem is that everyone doesn’t know all the parties invited well. Pretty sure the MOB did the seating at that wedding. We were on the groom’s side (family, but from out of town) and she didn’t know us from Adam. She had no idea what we would prefer or who we knew. The groom was far too busy to look at the seating chart for a few hundred people and really think it through.
I hate the seat grab. Twice I’ve been stuck with Aunt Mable in Siberia. I made the mistake of assisting the bride and MOB of the last two weddings I attended and since I was busy and not available for the table dash, the rest of the time I’m stuck away next to the kitchen with the family sociopaths.
Regarding time between the ceremony & reception, I know it defies tradition, but consider taking photos before the wedding and skip the “can’t see the bride” rule. It keeps your guests waiting for a long time if you do photos after the ceremony.
I think the lesson learned is that – for those who do plan to do assigned seats – they should make that one of the very highest priorities since it is has such a huge effect on the enjoyment of the guests. And the couple has to be brutally honest with themselves about all the dynamics you describe, which generally are well-known to everyone in the family even if they are not explicitly addressed.
I don’t buy this. If the B&G can’t be bothered to spend a little time on this, they shouldn’t be inviting so many people to their wedding.
I say this as a person who was working full time at the time of their wedding, had business trips to Montreal and Fort Lauderdale in the preceding week, and who made all of the (rather elegant) food except the cake. No one should be too busy to take half an hour to ensure the comfort and happiness of their guests. If the groom didn’t realize this, the bride should have made him. Or the MOB could have asked advice from the MOG.
This was actually a VERY pricey NY wedding (filet mignon for hundreds, famous band for the reception, very fancy favors, GREAT cake, etc). My guess is that the MOB is known as a very fine hostess in NY circles, and she did (honestly) a crappy job of it. And she had plenty of help with planning and execution, I am sure. If she can’t get it right, not much hope for the rest of us.
No ice breaker activities please! No “embarrassing” moments - over the top sexy dances, the garter thing (do people still do that?). Please have good dessert, preferably wedding cake. And make sure there is enough!
I would have to list good food as a top of the list item.
A funny story about assigned seating - H and I went to his sister’s wedding and sat down at our table. We were with an older group and having a great time. It was mostly close friend’s of H’s father but we knew them well. Turns out we were at the wrong table. Oops, that was UncleH’s seat (same name) and he had an emergency and couldn’t come.
So we went to our assigned seat, with our own generation and it was pretty boring. The cousins there, who we love, have younger children and just needed to give them a lot of attention. I wanted to move back!
Have someone in charge of the flow, whether it’s a wedding planner, Dj or band leader or caterer. I just went to a wedding where some soft spoken friend was the wishy washy announcer. I like the sweetheart table for bride and groom and attendants with their dates. It really takes a fun couple to have a fun wedding.
Good music to me is essential, changing music from appetizers to dinner to dancing.
Assigned seating to me is a must as is an open bar or at least choices, good food, good music, etc. I prefer to be served vs buffet.
My preference is to limit the number of young children at the reception. Most weddings with more than a couple of kids ends up being about the kids and not adult fun.
I agree with nottelling. The host, if it is MOB should review list and get ideas on considerate seating with the MOG. The host is inviting guests to share a very special ocasion and should go out of the way to make it as comfortable as possible for them. The guests have an obligation to be good guests. I also agree with not using very large round tables, playing low background music during dinner if there is not a separate room for dancing. I don’t mind the religious ceremony as I hope that the bride and groom has chosen this because of their faith and not just to please parents. I will respect their committment. I think beer, wine and a champagne toast is plenty. I don’t like the garter or bouquet toss. I like personal touches that the bride, friends or family have made. I also, for some reason that I can’t quite explain, hate the bride and groom entrance into the reception with pumping arms and bouquet into the air. LOL.
Music that everyone can enjoy, and dance to, if there is dancing, whether it be a live bad or a DJ. And sometimes it’s important for the person to switch things up if plan A isn’t working. For example, if there are a bunch of slow songs, but it’s clear more people want to dance, then play faster group dance tunes.
I’ve liked weddings where they had food stations, when the food was very good and creative. For example, a cheese and cracker bar, a seafood appetizer bar, a wine bar, a dessert bar, etc. I can’t even remember what the main food was at the weddings just described.
For me, the music and food are important, but I’ve had a blast at a wedding where the food was pretty much chicken nuggets and the music was a not-memorable DJ.
Things I personally abhor: the garter and bouquet toss, both of which I find extremely vulgar (sorry), having a dj or bandleader who “narrates” the dances, including a long list of set pieces. The father daughter, mother son, yadda yadda dances. I would hope that they would just naturally happen. My mother would have had a stroke if we had done that, lol. I know a lot of people like that stuff, though, and it certain doesn’t ruin a reception for me.
I like the chair dance thing at some Jewish weddings, as well as the group circle thing.
Having nowhere to sit and no one to talk to, though, is a bummer, no matter how good the food or pretty the flowers.
Seating, even if it’s a buffet, is important. I went to wedding last summer (bride was my D’s former college roommate who was also the Maid of Honor in D’s wedding) where there weren’t enough seats for all the guests; H and I took turns sitting down to eat in one of the few empty chairs at the small tables grouped around a central buffet. It wasn’t much fun. We left once the dancing started because we just didn’t want to stand up all evening.
My D spent a very long time working on the seating chart for her wedding. All of the guests were folks that she or my son-in-law knew. My H didn’t invite any business associates with the exception of his administrative assistance and his two partners and their wives–all of whom my D and son-in-law knew.
My brother hired babysitters for the babies and young children. They came to some of the wedding, but didn’t have to be there for every single second.
I don’t mind a simple bouquet toss and garter toss, but we went to one wedding where the groom was supposed to take the garter off with his teeth. That was vulgar!
One thing that happened at my wedding was that I invited my boss and his partner - it was a tiny office and we all were very friendly (happy hour every Friday together for example). Naturally I invited their wives though I hadn’t met them. Neither showed up and neither RSVP’d that they weren’t coming so their table ended up with a big hole in it. I’d have liked to have known - at the very least they could have had a smaller table.
Just talked to D1, who is in that age group where she attends lots of weddings. She went to 3 this summer. 2 with assigned seating, and she said they were bad… Some assigned people didn’t come so at one the table was short, and at both she said they had nothing in common with the people they were seated with. One wedding had open seating, and she had a lot more fun. She and her friends were talking recently, and they agreed that the worst thing of all is being seated at a " singles table" – they actually all made a pact not to have one at their weddings!
I have not been to too many weddings, but lots of bar mitzvah so. I’ve been stuck at the singles table. Another time I was seated with the great aunts/uncles, who couldn’t hear. That was the worst, as we were in a carpool for 6 years, and everyone else was seated together, across the room. I wish they had made a table for 8 into a 9. It got to a point that I would drive myself, so I could leave early. If I’m barely 50, and seated with those in their 90’s, I don’t think it’s rude of me to leave early.
Another time I was seated with a cousin who I had a falling out years before. I had picked the venue and helped with so many details, I was surprised that I wasn’t asked if there was anyone I didntq want to sit with. It was awkward. I have learned to put on a good face, so only you, my CC friends, know of the awkwardness of being a single.
Still, I much prefer assigned seating, when done with thoughtfulness.
I was seated with elderly relatives at one wedding (and with H). Since I am a civilized person, I made civilized conversation with them, and in fact we had a fine time. The gentleman next to me actually thanked me for being a delightful dinner partner. Great contrast to a friend’s wedding at which I was seated next to a couple much closer to my own age with an infant who totally ignored me, and in fact the guy got up and left. If he had stayed, I would have been happy to coo at the infant and make pleasant conversation with him, too. I would have been happy to hold the baby while they had a dance. But I wasn’t given the chance, because they were boors.
So many people are simply ill-mannered and uncivilized. Aunt Mabel has feelings too, and she might be a great old bird if you give her half a chance! I abhor the tendency to make assumptions about people based completely upon age and appearance!
And I don’t want to hear about how you are an introvert, or whatever. Grow up and behave yourself! Everyone has feelings!!
PS Seating a 10 yr old on the spectrum apart from parents or siblings is not thoughtful or nice. Maybe if you have a children’s table…had a blast at those as a young child.
