<p>Just read a sad letter from a dad in alumni magazine notes (can’t link–have to be a member). Daughter was an ivy grad, law school at another ivy, passed two state bar exams, great clerkship, job offer, etc., and she just commited suicide. One thing that struck me was that the dad said at every
transition in her life, in spite of continuous success, the daughter said, “I can’t do it,” and he would give her a pep talk. Obviously she was a gifted young woman, but still felt somehow inadequate for the task ahead of her.
It scared me, because my (very smart and talented) kid says “I can’t” sometimes. I showed him and my H the article, and we talked about it. When it comes to college, what’s the worst that can happen? If a kid flunks out or changes his/her mind, he/she can always come home and start over. I had to let my son know that he has a safe place to be and get help if things ever get that bad.</p>
<p>I in no way condone suicide, but don’t blame any college students for doing so, college is such a stressful time in our lives. Even now, I’m always thinking about suicide and feel that the only reason I haven’t done so is because of my family that loves me, thats it. If I didn’t have them, I’d really have no reason to live.</p>
<p>But college is full of so much stress and all, I can’t blame these poor young kids for taking their own life…I just hope they can find peace in the afterlife.</p>
<p>My husband and I are living through this with our eldest son, who suffers from depression. It appears it will be a life long struggle. During his high school years there were numerous hospitilizations, suicide attempts–one nearly successful-- therapists, medications–until at one point, my son just refused it all. He won’t take meds now and he never really cooperated with therapy. That’s the most difficult thing. He is now in his mid-twenties and about to finish college. He seems to be very insightful about his feelings, and takes time to himself to pull himself together when he is not feeling well. He will talk to some degree about his feelings with me, but of course, at this age, he often wants me to but out. But he feels he is in control and is much more optimistic about life than he used to be. Age and maturity has helped, but it is very difficult to see your child continue to suffer with an illness that clearly will plague him for his lifetime.</p>
<p>to the op:
“ALL problems can be solved with time or therapy or money.”</p>
<p>i dont think so. what about love and support. think i am idealistic??
i dont think so. what a kid grows up to become is the result of his upbringing. i dont think any person who has a trusting and loving family will commit suicide unless he/she is mentally ill.</p>
<p>who cares if the parents of the kid who commited suicide were well to do, maybe they werent good parents. well yes i am being a bit harsh on the parents…but STRESS cant do a thing…if you know that someone…loves you unconditionally. knowing that someone will love you even if your grades arent the best…even if you arent the coolest kid in school…even if you get dumped by someone…results into a emotionally strong and resilient individual. such kids always know that they can turn to their parents no matter what trouble they are in. </p>
<p>i know this may sound trivial. all the parents reading this must be thinking: of course i will love my kid even if he brings home a C. well but trust me, it isnt that obvious to your kid. a little ’ i luv you’ and a warm hug can make a world full of difference. expectations…are good to a certain extent…but imposing wishes on someone isnt. </p>
<p>nothing beats a understanding, loving and caring family.</p>
<p>(that was nice…atomom…
and yeah, please…forgive my typos…i was in a hurry :D)</p>
<p>rahul, or anyone who is “always thinking about suicide”–this is not good/normal. I’m glad your family loves you, but you need to talk to someone about your feelings. It is hard for young people to have perspective on what the rest of their life has in store for them. I do think that the pace of modern life has just gotten crazy, and people are made to feel that unless they are “perfect,” they are “failures.”
Hang on. Better days are coming. Thanks, ravin, I hope all parents will let their kids know that they are willing to help in any situation, that they love them no matter what label the world might put on them.</p>
<p>you made me cry…you really did…i miss my parents…coming out changed my world…:(</p>
<p>Ravin and Rahul,</p>
<p>I could not agree more with atomom. You pay a lot for school, and part of that money goes for the support infrastructure. Talk to someone about how you feel; talk to a professional. The parent/child relationship is a complex one. An objective outsider brings tool to help heal wounds. My D went to a therapist. D admitted that the therapist said pretty much what her parents did, but there was great value to her in hearing feedabck from someone outside the family, someone who has seen all kinds of patients with all kinds of challenges.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>m&sdad </p>
<p>when did i disagree?? :)</p>
<p>i guess you missed out my previous post…#24</p>
<p>this is what i said:
“nothing beats a understanding, loving and caring family”</p>
<p>and even though my parents and i have more or less stopped talking 
i still love them…and i know they love me too…i used to be bitter about the way they reacted…but i guess i have overcome that…</p>
<p>besides life is just to beautiful…to just give up…the most beautiful thing ever…</p>
<p>also, a study showed that people who commit suicide regret doing so before they are dying…!!!</p>
<p>Ravin,</p>
<p>Was responding to post #26. There are support groups on campus that can augment the family support structure.</p>
<p>:)
thanks for your concern…but i think i am fine…
suicidal and me??? hehe </p>
<p>many kids in my situation do commit suicide…not me but…i dont want to say that i am great or something but…people who commit suicide “repulse” me. i am being a bit harsh but, people should value their lives…live it to the fullest.</p>
<p>Ravin,
Thanks for sharing your insight. I think that it’s very important for people to know that suicide is not always the result of mental illness. There are many people in this world who experience profound loneliness. Sometimes it’s because they are afraid they’ll be rejected if their family and others find out who they really are. Other times it is because they have been open with others and have been rejected. My daughter recently told me a story about a classmate who was disowned after coming out to her parents. It broke my heart. I can’t imagine disowning a child because God made them different. I constantly pray for a more loving and compassionate world than the one in which we currently live. And I pray that someday your parents will be able to recognize and appreciate what a beautiful child they have in you.</p>
<p>rahul you wrote,"I’m always thinking about suicide and feel that the only reason I haven’t done so is because of my family that loves me, thats it. If I didn’t have them, I’d really have no reason to live.</p>
<p>But college is full of so much stress and all, I can’t blame these poor young kids for taking their own life…I just hope they can find peace in the afterlife."</p>
<p>That is not good…I am in Houston and Indian. If you want a shoulder to lean on, please PM me.</p>
<p>But if you prefer to stay anonymous do write your concerns on this board. There are many wise parents here who could suggest ways to cope with your feelings.</p>
<p>Simba: I am so sorry to hear this. A family never completely heals from the death of a child and the mystery of suicide makes it extra hard. </p>
<p>THERE ARE SOME TIMES THAT ARE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS FOR DEPRESSED PEOPLE:</p>
<p>One is when a depressed person starts to be less depressed. Depression can make a person frozen and unable to act. When he starts to get better, he is able to act on his feelings of hopelessness. That is a particularly dangerous time.
This seems to be one reason why anti-depressants are most dangerous in the first few weeks. They are “activating”, so the depressed person is able to get the energy to kill himself.</p>
<p>Please tell your children that suicide is not an acceptable option! They are still kids and knowing the “rule” that suicide is not allowed can help. My dad is a psychiatrist. I once asked him why none of his patients had committed suicide. He said he was always very clear with his patients that suicide was out of bounds. Sometimes nothing can sway a determined young person but telling them that you don’t want to lose them is a start.</p>
<p>a<em>ravin</em>hurt:</p>
<p>I hear you. Implied in my statement was the sentiment of love. It ws implied that with parental love and support ALL problems can be solved with time, money and theraphy.</p>
<p>We had a discussion after this incidence and we hope we were able to convey the message that we can deal/cope/handle ANY kind of son than NO son.</p>
<p>good thread! It is true that before suicide a lift in mood often gives a person the ability to carry out a plan. So it is imperative to speak frankly with your son or daughter during the college years when they may be under stress or know friends who are experiencing depression. Keep in mind that a tendency to bipolar disorder can make a few vulnerable older teens experience manic thinking merely by using ADHD medications that were positive and effective in their younger years. Manic thinking is also treatable and can emerge in this age bracket as an issue.
We had a boy in our neighborhood commit suicide when he totaled his Dad’s favorite car…which he had been forbidden to drive. He did not wait to discuss the accident with his parents who were out of town briefly. Impulsive and immature decision? yes…which brought a lifetime of suffering to his family, who were never given a chance to simply deal with the accident with him and move on. Teen brains are only partially finished in development, so you need to spell out that you are there for them in dark hours when mistakes are made. Teens need to be told explicitly that cars and bad grades are all things that we will sort out and get over and problem solve through…but suicide is totally not an option. Make an oral contract with your child that suicidal thoughts should be brought forward to parents, friends and caring professionals on campus so the underlying concerns and feelings can be addressed, and that it is a normal part of life to work through darker seasons. Depression is so very treatable. Also make an oral contract with your S or D that they will not keep suicidal talk a “secret” if someone in their dorm is making suicidal ideation statements. This happens a lot and 18 and 19 year olds are often not equipped to help and are reluctant to “out” the friend who is depressed but adults are needed in the intervention equation. I also advocate making an oral contract with your S or D that they will not allow a passed out dorm mate or even stranger at a party to “sleep it off”…too many preventable deaths from alcohol poisoning because friends or mere aquaintances walked by kids who appear to be passed out. thank heavens a sensible roommate made a call when my godson was unconscious from drinking…he would be dead if not sent to the hospital in the middle of the night.</p>
<p>Teen brains are only partially finished in development, so you need to spell out that you are there for them in dark hours when mistakes are made.</p>
<p>this is why it is so disturbing that on another thread those who are barely adults are arguing for the “rights” of teens to injest whatever substances that makes it more comfortable for them to “party”.
We all know that alcohol and other drugs turn the “stop and think” about it process out of the picture. Kids do things while under the influence that they wouldn’t if they waited. Alcohol is a depressant, it seems to amplify mood , and might even give depressed kids the impetus to “complete” a destructive act</p>
<p>Very true, emeraldkity. I don’t think we give our kids enough information about the dangers of alchohol and other drugs. Too often we just say, “no”, without giving them the information they need to see the reasons for themselves.
I also think it’s very important for parents to share their own “failures”, or rather, missteps, with their children. I think my kids are forever innoculated against feeling that they aren’t allowed to have doubts or down periods in college, as their dad dropped out of college (stopped attending, so received failing grades) after two years, worked for few years and then went back to school to finish and graduate. That alone was an good come-back, but he then went on to receive a full fellowship for a competitve grad school doctoral program. Lesson: you can blow it and still recover.</p>
<p>It seems that too often today kids think there is only one path to success. I’d suggest that every parent who has had a trouble free transition to adulthood find an admirable friend or family member who has experienced difficulty and bounced back and have them talk to your kids. Time truly can heal all wounds - except perhaps the wound of losing a loved one.</p>
<p>Interesting article in this week’s New Yorker magazine about the suicide of a gifted high school student by Eric Konigsberg entitled “Prairie Fire: The death of a gifted child.”</p>
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<p>It’s also good to note that children with bipolar disorder are often misdiagnosed as having ADHD - bipolar in children is different from what adult bipolars experience.</p>
<p>Justaparent: just read that article. It was fascinating in the things it seemed to say about some gifted children, their parents, and some people in the business. I have to say, though I would never think they caused it, some of the things the parents said were downright creepy.</p>