What makes kids do this? - A sad story

Parent Cafe
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<p>This morning we got a call that one of our friends’ son - a college soph. commited sucide.</p>

<p>I do not understand what prompts kids to go to such extremes? The parents are were very well to do - mother a physician and father an engineer.</p>

<p>Every occasion I get get I try to tell my son that no matter how bad the situations are, there are ALWAYS options other than sucide. ALL problems can be solved with time or therapy or money.</p>

<p>I wanted to start a thread to get views/opinion/advice of parents and kids who sneak in here.</p>

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<p>Many mental illnesses manifest themselves in the age group of late HS early college. Depression is a big problem and to think that a student did this without some leading indicators is naive IMHO. I am sure the family is sad and angry but the saddest part is illness and suffering the student endured before the suicide. Depression can be a severe illness but with all of our societal stigma against mental illness, insurance not covering the treatments…this will continue to happen. As you can see the amount of financial strength didn’t stop this family from being affected by depression. Even if their son had been diagnosed the illnesses that contribute to suicide are severe and require treatment…RX and talk therapy.</p>

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<p>I think sometimes kids just do very impulsive things without warning. In one of our local communities, and 8th grade boy shot himself in the head after a bad day at school. He did leave a suicide note, so they know it was intentional. But he did not exhibit any of the usual signs of depression. All of this came completely out of left field for the family. Some times there are no answers.</p>

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<p>I think that indeed there are components of mental illness and depression, and the extreme stress of college can bring that out moreso, coupled with the leaving home etc. But, having had so many problems with my son’s university this past 2 years, I also think that there are unnecessary pressures and unbelievable ignorance and lack of understanding on the part of colleges and their administrators and staff. This kids are out on their own for the first time, alone, trying to navigate in very new waters, and these universities, (some of them) are literally hanging these kids out to dry and throwing them to the wolves. The kids want to do well, expect to do well compared to their high school experiences, and find themselves floundering with absolutely no university involvement or assistance. Like I keep saying, we didn’t experience this in college. If a student didn’t show up for a few days to class, our professor and a group of us went to the kids room to see what was going on, often to find they were emotionally distraught, needed a shoulder and then were fine. Now, I don’t even think they notice when the kids aren’t in class. And when the kids call home and are upset, god forbid if we as parents call the professors or guidance counselors etc, because then we are helicopter parents and interfering and “tiresome”, as I was called. There are always options, but when you are far from home, nobody is helping you, in fact they are pretty much blaming you for everything that is going wrong because you are now a grown up so deal with it, and don’t call mommy, and you are 18 with little coping skills outside of your family, well then you don’t see the options. I am so thoroughly disgusted with these universities and their excuses at this point, that I truly blame them for these kids feeling like there is no way out. Those poor parents, what a tragedy. And it could have nothing to do with anything I wrote, there could be mental illness or other problems, but I believe there are big problems that need to be corrected to help our kids survive and do well.</p>

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<p>simba, that is so sad!</p>

<p>amith1–even without the kind of horrific experience your S is having due to his school’s ineptitude, the stress of going away, being independent, making life decisions (or feeling the pressure to), falling in love, etc. can trigger problems in susceptible people. </p>

<p>We have depression running through our family and my mom is severely disabled because of mental illness, so this has always been a concern of mine for myself and my kids. I used to do a lot of reading on this topic, and one of my kids was pretty depressed as a young child. The last couple of years have been rather uneventful, and so I haven’t been as worried, but it is always on my mind, though on the back burner for now. I remember, though, telling one of my sons at one point, in junior high, that there are always other options, like Simba. </p>

<p>Anyway, when my young son was depressed, I went to a “suicide group,” which was a group of parents and their teenagers who had attempted suicide. It was so depressing and so sad I never went back! I wonder how therapists can deal with all the sadness and hurt. Anyway, what I remember from sitting through this session years ago is that even though there were definite signs and warnings with several kids that something was seriously wrong, like drug use, rebellious kids, cold parents, depressed kids, I remember one family, very loving, with an adorable, good looking son, no problems with drugs, no social handicaps, etc., who said his attempt just came out of the blue, and you know, it certainly appeared that way to me. They seemed like a very nice, close family, too. People can hide depression. And if your kid is away at school, keeping his grades up, not acting differently etc., well, how does a parent know a kid is suicidal? It is so sad when the first attempt at suicide is successful, and there is no chance for caring friends/family to help.</p>

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<p>These shocking stories happen, of course, all too often. Donemom started a thread catalyzed by a similar incident last summer. There were some useful links and advice, most especially by fredo, which I will post below in the hopes it will help.</p>

<p>The suicide of one of my own small town’s teens in 2004 highlighted the utter difficulty of “seeing it coming” among the friends and family. Timmy’s parents chose, from the very first night, to share publicly, within our own town and in the broader media, everything they experienced in hopes of helping both Timmy’s surviving friends and helping other families and teens who might suffer similar situations. Their decision to do this was courageous and loving, imo. For any who are interested (and whom it might help), here are the links to this family’s story.
<a href=“http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/s...4thompson.shtml[/url]”>http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/s...4thompson.shtml&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/s...1thompson.shtml[/url]”>http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/s...1thompson.shtml&lt;/a&gt;
<a href=“http://www.poynter.org/content/cont...ew.asp?id=79946[/url]”>http://www.poynter.org/content/cont...ew.asp?id=79946&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>What I remember most, which may help, simba, is Timmy’s father’s statement that “Timmy did not do this. He had an illness. The illness did this.” Sometimes parents are unaware of the depression. Even when they are aware, as in Timmy’s case, and actively working to get help, the illness can take over for just that one terrible, irreversible moment.</p>

<p>Because the family so wanted something good to come of this, in terms of learning and de-stigmatization, I take any opportunity I can to share their story.</p>

<p>If you follow the links within the first article, there is just a tremendous amount of helpful information on what the family saw/didn’t see; how his choice to stop meds affected him… I truly believe it can help anyone wondering “how can this happen?” And can help all of us with teens.</p>

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<p>From the previous thread:<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=86653[/url][quote=fredo]I”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=86653

</p>

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<p>I have to disagree. I think colleges take suicide far more seriously now than they did in the past. I know MIT and Reed have both substantially lowered their suicide rates by being pro-active (I hate that word–anyone have a better one?). </p>

<p>I’ve worked with HS counselors to help several near-suicidal students. The first thing I’ll mention is that parents and students should know that someone who says they’re feeling suicidal should NOT BE LEFT ALONE until professional help has been summoned and is with the student. I have interrupted meetings to get the school counselor for a student I felt was in danger.</p>

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<p>I am reminded of the empathy gun in Hitchhikers guide- that gave you the point of view of the person who was aiming it- when Zaphod aims it at Trillian- she says “it won’t work on me- I’m already a woman!”
Sensitive types are pretty attuned to others already, they know what we are looking for and what we want to see. They know that our culture is uncomfortable with those who are sad and they don’t want others to be as uncomfortable as they are already.
Rational though when in deep depression doesn’t apply.
It hurts- you will do anything to make it stop hurting.
It isn’t necessarily a comment on anything anyone else has done or failed to do- its that you cannot see beyond the pit of dispair or you see an endless cycle of ups and downs.</p>

<p>Medication can really help this- especially the newer types they are finding.
I actually am more of a fan of behavior modification than talk therapy.
talk can bring up issues which are too deep and too painful to be dealt with- and the person may not at the time be ready to deal with the feelings that are brought up during the appt and then not really resoived for months.</p>

<p>As someone with a familal history of depression I like- medication management right away to get some of these other things a chance to work. Extra nutrition and exercise to deal with stress and elevate mood and once you are able to feel like you are functioning, then start with the talk therapy
But what we all can do and our children can learn to do- is ask for help when we need it- asking for help is not a sign of weakness it is acutally a sign of strength-</p>

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<p>My only advice Simba is to try and reflect on what made your friends’ son so special…and capture it on paper or a journal and mark your calendar for his birthday or a date he may have done something special so that you can be someone who your friends can talk to about their son as time and the wounds wind down. One of the greater problems typically is that no one talks about the child who is now gone…and so the parents have such angst…not just about the suicide…but they are feeling such a hole in their heart because folks are afraid of upsetting them. So, plan a lunch or another day treat where you can just listen and or offer up special remembrances…</p>

<p>We will never know why someone does it… except the overwhelming thought has to be “enough”</p>

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<p>maineparent, that is a very good point, and I think it applies to anyone who has lost a loved one in any circumstance. </p>

<p>Chatting on the sidelines of a soccer game, I recently discovered the parents of one of my son’s friends had lost a baby to leukemia (before I knew them). Having experienced the death of my brother, I knew it was not taboo to talk or ask about that baby, so I did. The mom wound up bringing out her wallet, showing me photographs of the baby, and talking about him and what made him special for a long time. </p>

<p>When people talk to someone bereaved about their child, their brother, their mom… it validates the existence and worth of their loved one-- that they lived, they mattered, they were real, they are still real.</p>

<p>The funny part is that sometimes even crying is very sweet because for a few minutes that person is so present in your mind.</p>

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<p>I think there is something extremely telling in what amith said. He/she believes high school students are graduating with no real life or coping skills, and I think that’s a shame. I think students should use every opportunity to solve problems on their own not to mention get some real life experience. It’s very easy for even the best parents to do too much. I graduated last May, and there is so much that I don’t know how to do. This may be getting away from the original topic, but I mostly get stuck with financial issues–I don’t know about 401(k)'s, retirement plans, investing, credit cards, etc., etc. My parents always said that it was none of my business, but now I’m on the precipice of taking on an enormous (and I mean bone-crushingly enormous) college loan, and I don’t know anything about it.</p>

<p>College may be one’s first time on his/her own, but it shouldn’t be his/her first time in the real world.</p>

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<p>I get something different out of what amith said
I don’t think s/he is blaming parents for students to be graduating without being able to have the coping skills of somone who has been an adult for a while, I think that h/she is saying that students have an awful lot on their plate and they need more support not less.</p>

<p>I agree- college is a completely new and can be very stressful environment. Students can be under tremendous pressure academically for parents to be “getting their monies worth”.
Knowing that you are attending school on the other side of the country from your friends and family can add to the pressure to “be grown up”.
While some schools have well trained RAs to recognize students that are having difficulty, some schools have RAs with less defined roles, and students might not know where or who to go to if they need help.
They might feel a lot of pressure even if it is only internal- to be a successful college student and keep up a facade they don’t feel.
Experience in the “real world” doesn’t necessarily make this any easier. Mental illness often first presents itself in the early 20’s late teens. I had been on my own since I was 17, certainly in the thick of the “real world” before that, and yet my early 20s were very difficult.</p>

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<p>I see your side of it too emeraldkity.</p>

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<p>Has anyone heard that, at times, anti-depression medication can actually push a person to commit sucide? I think in a New York Times Magazine article two years ago, a family was suing a company because they believed that the medication their son was taking pushed him to commit sucide. The human mind is a powerful/scary thing and many medications which may help one person, can easily harm another. I am empathetic to those who have been affected by sucide.</p>

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<p>IRT mocasin:[Washington</a> Post February 3, 2004](<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&contentId=A7008-2004Feb2&notFound=true]Washington”>http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn?pagename=article&contentId=A7008-2004Feb2&notFound=true)</p>

<p>[01/2006</a> NPR](<a href=“http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5078354]01/2006”>Antidepressants and Suicide Risk : NPR) </p>

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<p>I saw this too spirited and I applaud it.
both my kids are on antidepressants- which also help with ADD and anxiety. this is NOT a magic pill by any means- but it gets them to a place where they can at least function, although they both still have very hard times.</p>

<p>I am glad some positive information is getting out there about depression- at least to combat all the times my mother calls me up and tells me about the latest report of teens on meds and incidence of suicide.
I notice she didn’t call me up to tell me that the medications actually seem to help-
Its also interesting that just starting medication seems to help- especially when they always say that it takes the meds several weeks at least to get up to a therapeutic level in the body.</p>

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<p>I do think that the “real world” can be helpful to cope with depression that isn’t chemical in nature. High school can be extremely rough (as can college), and, IMO, it’s very important for kids to realize that there is life beyond high school. Older friends (like late 20s, early 30s, or even parent-aged) are great - because they are secure enough in themselves to like you for yourself (which doesn’t really happen in high school). </p>

<p>One thing that I saw from people in my own life is that there is such a thing as preventative mental health. It’s much, much easier to deal with problems early on (like a divorce and parent issues) than it is to deal with them later on - when they are compounded with other issues (other related self-esteem issues - anorexia, alcoholism, wrong friends, dropping out of school). Treat those issues up front!</p>

<p>One of the best thing that a family can do is to be welcoming of therapy. Telling you, no kid is going to ask for help when she’s afraid of being put down for it. Don’t think about therapy as a way for nutcases to straighten themselves out or a way out for people who are too weak to tough through it… impress upon your kids that therapy helps you deal with the stuff that no person can deal with on his own, and it’s a way to get things off your chest with someone who is completely non-judgmental. </p>

<p>Watch for psychological changes after going on meds (birth control being a big trigger of depression, from what I’ve seen in my friends; some other medications have depression as a side effect) or any other big changes. Odd as it sounds, but serious athletes (esp. distance runners) may get depressed in the off-season or during an injury - you actually get addicted to the daily endorphins. (Happened to me, and it’s happened to runner friends.)</p>

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<p>ariesathena: I’ve heard the same thing about birth control – can cause depression for up to a year. In my case, though, it lessened it (I’m on Seasonale now) since the horomonal changes were a huge trigger for me.</p>

<p>spirited away: [url=<a href=“PRIME® Continuing Medical Education”>PRIME® Continuing Medical Education]Exactly![/url</a>] </p>

<p>mocasin: I have no doubt it happens – in fact it happened to me on Wellbutrin – but I think the biggest issue, as mentioned in the article, is spotty med compliance. Most of these medications pass through your system very quickly – miss a dose, and your brain goes haywire and could trigger suicidal idelations, or you go through some terrible withdrawal symptoms (I know Effexor and several of the SSRIs are notorious for that). </p>

<p>It’s also possible that they could be being treated for the wrong disorder – bipolar 2, ADHD, and GAD (what I have) all exhibit very similar symptoms, but are treated very differently. The wrong medication, especially in the case of bipolar + antidepressant, can be extremely dangerous.</p>

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<p>Too much schoolwork?</p>