<p>I’m just curious. Being a college student myself I don’t often interface with parents, at least not on the level that the internet would provide.</p>
<p>So I’m just curious what you have done right. This could be anything. I’m just curious about what parenthood looks like from the goggles of the adults who probe such a forum as this – dedicated to college admissions.</p>
<p>Hmmm…that could be a long list - but the most obvious and most important is self love, self respect and joy of one’s life (you have to love, respect and honor yourself first) followed by qualities such as unconditional love for one’s child/ren, respect and honor towards others, followed by ethics, honesty, integrity, oh, and a sustaining sense of humor and ability to have enormous amounts of fun (without spending enormous amounts of money) and valuing, enjoying life, and laughing a LOT.</p>
<p>Next might be more of the practical qualities, such as commitment to spiritial, emotional and intellectual and physical/athletic development, followed by ability to generate, leverage and manage material resources. </p>
<p>I’m not sure what is the opposite - a “bad” parent, or how it is decided if a parent is “good” or “not good” or “bad”, (what’s the standard of measurement? happy, productive children? or the absence of “bad” stuff like criminal charges, failure in school? or something else?) -</p>
<p>Interesting question (I think)…</p>
<p>The things I did right that are showing up now, as S finishes his first year of college, include:</p>
<p>Security. Somehow or other (and I was aware of and worked on this), I managed to give him enough “core security” that he’s able/willing to take risks. He phrases it, “I can’t succeed if I don’t try. So in school, in life, in love I shall lay my neck on the line. If I fall, I’ll hurt. But I can’t succeed if I don’t try.” How did I give him this security? I let him know every minute of every day that nothing in the world is more important to me than he is. That nothing he could do (including ax murder!) could make me love him less. That there’s a huge difference between loving him and loving his behavior. I can and do dislike behaviors. I never, ever dislike him. And I also made sure he knew, by action and by word, that he could rely on me no matter what. Only my own death will prevent me from doing everything I can, always, to help him if/when he’s in trouble and needs help. And as I was doing this, I was also giving him all the choices I possibly could. Whenever he could make “the” decision, I tried to step back and let him. I couldn’t stop myself from pointing out consequences when he was heading toward a decision I didn’t like…but I told him if he wanted to risk the consequences, he’d have to live with them (altho I’d help him if he needed it, even if the help was needed due to a bad choice).</p>
<p>The other big thing that comes to mind as I review the last almost 19 years of being his mother is “being there.” I work full-time and he is well aware of the need to make work a priority (or you won’t get paid!)…but I moved and shuffled and chose not to do “other” things so that I could be “there” as much as I possibly could, even if he wasn’t home, or if he was in a different room doing his own thing. Just being physically present (I have a home office from which I do about 50% of my work) to solve the “of the moment crisis” (usually involving needing a ride or permission to do something) I think resulted in him viewing his mother as a “rock”…one from which he could walk away at will (I did and do put massive effort into making sure I do not try to “tie apron strings” to him), but one that would always be there when he returns. </p>
<p>I’m certain that there are more crucially important elements to good parenting, and good parent-child relationships. And I’m equally certain that what turned out to be most important for us will be different from what is most important to other families. </p>
<p>Thanks for asking. It was an interesting “self-evaluation” in trying to answer…</p>
<p>1) My kids know that I love them unconditionally.</p>
<p>2) I instilled in them the value of faith, family, honesty, work, school</p>
<p>3) I know where they are and who their friends are (and who the parents of their friends are)</p>
<p>4) I raised them in our Church.</p>
<p>5) I took them on many trips to expose them to different cultures.</p>
<p>6) I developed a trusting relationship with them which is why they tell me so much stuff (sometimes, too much stuff).</p>
<p>These are just a few off the top of my head.</p>
<p>JCoveney, You will see a huge range of attitudes and philosophies here and successful parents can come in many varying parenting styles. One thing I always tried to do was to make individual time with each child on a regular basis. From the time they were young, I made a special effort to do that, whether it was a lunch or movie, bowling or other activity, it was time spent with just them. I started doing this when the kids were quite small, and IMO it’s probably one of the best moves I ever made as a parent.</p>
<p>Said “no” now and then.</p>
<p>Leave no stone unturned. Make sure they can tie their laces. Forego velcro.</p>
<p>I don’t know that I am. Who knows? You do the best you can. One year my ex took my oldest to buy a Valentine’s card for me and he came back with one that said “Mom, I stood in front of the Valentine display forever trying to find just the right card for you. I looked at hundreds of card, but I couldn’t decide which one was the perfect one for you. Then I pictured you there with me, and I heard you say… ‘Just pick one and get on with it!’”</p>
<p>Okay, the really funny part is that the next year my ex took my youngest to get a card for me and he picked out THE EXACT SAME CARD. And gave it me. </p>
<p>Like I said, you do the best you can. :-)</p>
<p>Heidi, no one is perfect, right? We do the best we can. In the process, we trip and fall and make mistakes. Like I said, don’t forget the laces. I did and they came back to bite me.</p>
<p>One thing we did right is let our kids take the lead in deciding their interests and direction, academically as well as personally. There were times I doubted this approach, such as when my son wanted to quit baseball, and when my daughter decided to quit piano lessons, or when we thought that a particular course or program would be of benefit to one of them, and they weren’t interested. As parents, we often see opportunities misssed as opportunities lost, and it’s sometimes hard not to project one’s own goals onto one’s children. </p>
<p>My husband and I did manage to let each of them chart their own course. As a result, I believe that as 17 and 21 year olds, they have a personal integrity that comes from knnowing who they are and what they value.</p>
<p>I had a very good mother myself. In many ways I try to be as understanding, unselfish, good-humored, generous and responsive as she was. But I also remember the actions or qualities that annoyed or upset me and try to avoid those. I try to be my “best” self with my D but still be honestly and authentically “me” and appreciate and love her for who she really is. I feel blessed because we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. I also keep in mind that one day I will become the voice she will hear inside her head as I hear my mother’s voice now.</p>
<p>Heidi, that is SO funny & obviously that card is so “You,” if both of your kids gave you the same one! It’s sweet your kids give you Valentine’s cards.</p>
<p>One thing I don’t think gets emphasized enough is that parenting is a relationship, just as marriage is. There are people who are wonderful parents to one child and horrific parents to another child who grows up in the same home. Some kids are easy to parent; some are hard. Some parent/child “matches” are successful, some less so. </p>
<p>So, the #1 quality of a good parenting is accepting the kid you got. I think that gets masked a bit sometimes because many parents get the kid they WANT. The dad who really enjoys baseball gets an athletic son; the woman who enjoys arts and crafts gets children who are “good with their hands,” the reader gets a child who loves to be read to and later becomes a reader himself. Watching these parents, you’ll think that there are good parents…and they are…but would they be if the kids didn’t have those attributes?</p>
<p>The test of a really good parent is parenting when you don’t get a kid who matches want you wanted. The good parent is the dad who loves sports who becomes equally enthusiastic about chess when he gets a son who is a klutz who hates sports, but loves chess. It’s the university English professor who gets the kid with severe dyslexia who hates to read and who loves to tinker with cars and machines–and doesn’t make that kid feel as if he’s “failed” his parents when he becomes an auto mechanic. </p>
<p>And, I’m not just talking about interests, it’s personality too. The good parent is the extrovert who ends up with a shy child and accepts that. It’s the quiet, studious parent who gets the hyperactive, rambunctious kid and accepts him. It’s the “Type A” dad or mom who ends up with all “Type B” kids or the “Type B” parent who copes with his “Type A” child. (If you are a highly competitive person it can be REALLY hard to be the parent of a child who HATES competition in any form, for example.) </p>
<p>While I can give you a list of many other attributes of the good parent, I think that acceptance of your child for what he is…and making sure that your child knows that you love him for himself (and doesn’t think that you’d love him more if he were more athletic or less shy or smarter or…) is the key.</p>
<p>jonri, you make a very important point–your child is not another “you”,
all parents have to learn and accept that. Much misery results when parents cannot accept their child as he/she is. As much as our children grow and change, we must also grow into parenthood.</p>
<p>It is true that our kids are not extensions of ourselves & there are times when it is pretty tough to parent them, especially when they are very different from us. As with any good relationship, flexibility and respect are key, encouraging each to be the best s/he can be, whatever that may be.</p>
<p>Love and support</p>
<p>Paid for the braces. Wouldn’t let him quit.</p>
<p>The first paragraph of Jonri’s post #13 bears repeating and re-reading, imo. I am extremely fortunate in that I was dealt “my kind of kid” (D is a singleton) and I’m very conscious of the fact that there are other many other kids that I would not have been nearly as successful with because of out-of-synch temperaments.</p>
<p>I think it helps to recognize that you, the parent, are not infallible. It helps to recognize the difference between being authoritarian and authoritative and to strive for the latte. It helps to recognize, right out of the womb, that your child is their own person. They will have different preferences, ideas, and choices than you would have and that’s okay within very broad limits. </p>
<p>Someone on this board–I wish I could remember who so I could thank him/her–about a month back posted something about many modern parents “mentoring” their kids, as opposed to the old authoritative model. To which I would add, also opposed to the new-fangled “be my kid’s best friend” model. I like the “mentoring” notion a lot, a process of helping them grow into the best “them” that they can be.</p>
<p>Sometimes–often?–you may not have all the answers but definition by exclusion is often useful, if you can spot the “wrong” answers on how to approach something, often so informed by your own experience as a child, you have better odds of finding a “right” solution. I found that I worked better with a set of what I regarded as good general principles rather than a manual of “rules,” but I was flexible enough to never let the principles lead to a conclusion that I thought was idiotic.</p>
<p>Finally, have the capacity to forgive yourself. You will make mistakes. Everyone does. A batting percentage of .800 or better is pretty damned good. Besides, if you’re a perfect parent, you’re depriving your kid of the joy of complaining about his or her parents.</p>
<p>So endeth the first lesson.</p>