<p>I think maybe people share the stories about their own parents passing because they still feel the pain from it, and the situation brings all up again. I agree that people say odd things, that make things awkward. One friend of mine ( after my mom and dad died within a year of each other) said some things along the lines of that I was so lucky to have my parents in my life as long as I did. Her parents died years before, and her mom died when she was a teenager. While I did not find her to be all that sympathetic, and I kind of felt like maybe she wanted my sympathy for her situation, which in the moment was a little much to ask of me, I can only think that she is not really over her own losses at an early age. Nobody is perfect, and these situations sometimes highlight that all too well! Fortunately, most of my friends knew enough to say they were sorry and leave it at that. It really is the best thing when the loss is very recent. Very sorry for your loss. It’s a very hard thing to lose a parent.</p>
<p>I’d like to try to put a little bit better face on this–I think people who do this are saying, “We’re in this together–we have experienced something like what you are experiencing–we have been where you are now.” I think some people may find this consoling, and others may not. I think the takeaway should be to try to take cues from the person you are trying to console.</p>
<p>Hugs and much sympathy for your loss and your family’s loss HeartArt.</p>
<p>Yes many people do not know what to say, and some are so full of their own stories that they over-share when it is not appropriate.</p>
<p>Maybe a year or two down the road more of a two way grief story exchange, but the grieving in the days and months after a death need to be focused on the needs of the grieving family.</p>
<p>Some people just have compulsions - our former next door neighbor use to stalk the hospital hallway when someone she knew was close to death (but not close enough family or friend to actually visit and console) - I guess she wanted to know the news ‘first’ and be one to informally spread the sad news. She was the aunt of my ex-BIL. </p>
<p>Sometimes some family is further along on the grieving process, so that also makes conversations awkward.</p>
<p>Try to think of the positive angle and try not to dwell on experiences that are not positive.</p>
<p>I agree with hunt… in most cases I think that’s what people are trying to do, even if clumsily executed. It didn’t occur to me that it might “pile on” for the person suffering the loss, but now that you mention it I can see how that would be. I can see how it would be difficult to hear so many sad stories when you are struggling. The next time I am in this situation I will have to think more carefully about what I say. </p>
<p>Hopefully I am not about to commit this same faux pas, but when I lost my grandpa recently the most common response I got was basically to tell me it wasn’t that big of a loss since it was just a grandparent. Nobody even said they were sorry. I think as a mourner you are in the awkward and perhaps unique position of going through something that everyone will feel obligated to comment on whether they have anything appropriate to say or not.</p>
<p>HeartArt,</p>
<p>My condolences. </p>
<p>I remember when my father died I returned to teaching the day after his funeral. My supervisor’s boss came up to me in the crowded teachers room at lunch and asked me how old my father was. When I told him my dad was 61, he callously said " that was really young." I think he meant no harm, but that comment and the way he said it turned me negative towards him from that day on.</p>
<p>Perhaps the troubling part is that there is no “one-size fits all” answer. Much like Hunt says, when others tells of similar losses, they are demonstrating a compassion, and showing that eventually a person can move on, though they’ll never forget. For some, this sharing can have some degree of comfort, or at least a momentary distraction.
For others maybe- “your Dad died, eh? How about those Yankees? Want to go bowling this afternoon?” would be helpful because it doesn’t lay further burden on the survivors. That way a survivor doesn’t have to “follow the stories” of others. I just don’t think many would want that kind of consolation. I don’t know of anything a visitor can say to a survivor that will truly remove the pain of the loss.
When my Dad died, so many of his old workmates told me how much they liked him and how much they would miss him. Yet, none of these fellows ever visited him after his retirement though they lived no more than 20 minutes away. That one irritated me. I’d have rather they left it that they liked him.</p>
<p>Like the Op, I am trying to better myself from the experience, and now I make it a point to try to see family, and long-time friends more often. We often say or think we are too busy, but I believe we let ourselves get too busy. Some of those friends may be too busy for me, but I know I am comforted knowing I tried. My grandma always said “give me the flowers now, so I can enjoy them, not after I’m gone”. I sure agree with her.</p>
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I think for any of these comments, a lot may depend on how they are delivered. On the page, this one seems reasonable–it translates (to me) as, “Oh, how sad–he was so young.” Perhaps it’s the flipside of “he lived a full life” for somebody who was really old–it may or may not be consoling.</p>
<p>deega123 - great article. I am going to pass it on to my kids.</p>
<p>My father also passed away very unexpectedly last year (see, I am sharing my own story here). It was a very difficult time for my whole family. A friend of mine wrote me an email about his mom’s passing. He said, “It may not seem possible, but I can tell you that you will feel better some day.”</p>
<p>The thing(s) that I remember when my parents died a few weeks apart was what happened “after”. Death isn’t easy. My closest friends invited us to every holiday. I couldn’t make Thanksgiving dinner, Passover, Christmas, Super Bowl. I am famous for dinners (in our circle of friends) but I couldn’t do it. For a number of years we went to friends’ homes.</p>
<p>Finally I held a dinner for the sake of dinner. I said but one thing, “Thank you to our friends. You are all incredible…Thanksgiving is next…I’m doing it and you are all invited.” </p>
<p>I do feel that the depth of friendship and helping goes beyond the week or month. It is a lifetime commitment. and a gift that must be paid forward.</p>
<p>I think that when you’re hurting, it’s very easy to be hurt by something someone says, no matter how sympathetic they are trying to be or how genuinely sympathetic they are. My personal suggestion is to pretend they’re talking in a foreign language and listen for the soothing tones.</p>
<p>Grieving (or virtually any individual emotional situation) is personal. What is painful for you to hear may be comforting for someone else. I’ve read letters of this type in Dear Abby’s column, saying, “Don’t say this” and then two weeks later, another letter saying, “Why didn’t anyone say this?”</p>
<p>The problem with the “What not to say” and “What not to do” types of advice are that people begin to feel “Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so what the heck. I’ll just stay away or not do anything.” Which is rarely the best solution.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>The thing to say is “I’m so sorry,” and then listen to what the mourning person says, and agree with it. This may not always be easy (i.e., if they say the departed is in a better place, and you don’t believe in that). It seems to me that what often gets mourning people upset is suggesting that their feelings aren’t correct (i.e., "He wouldn’t want to see you distraught like this.).</p>
<p>My Irish grandmother and aunts always said “I am sorry for your troubles.” </p>
<p>I find that very comforting – it acknowledges that this is a hard time, but it doesn’t presume to know what those hardships are.</p>
<p>I curious: I know what the worst thing that was said to me…the jewelry question. One of my friends since we were kids mom died. There was no illness just a message on the phone from someone.</p>
<p>Her mom was a challenge. (five or so marriages)…gypsy Rose Lee’s mom and Auntie Mame…They had a complicated relationship. But when my friend announced on Facebook that her mother died…A now former friend wrote, “Ding dong the b… is dead!” That was totally not ok.</p>
<p>I agree that it is better to say something, to try, in your own way to offer comfort, and risk not saying the right thing. It is worse to say nothing and seem indifferent. Gotta try.</p>
<p>HeartArt, I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is just hard. You’ve opened a very good discussion. I agree with you that the best thing to talk about is good memories of the person. The better I’ve known the deceased, the easier that is to do. In some cases, I’ve had wonderful stories to share and it was obviously very welcomed by the family. However, I’m at an age where many of my friends are losing parents and often those parents lived far away and I had never met them. Simply saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t feel like enough. It seems that the occasion calls for more to be said and sometimes I have no idea what to say and it is just awkward. Does anyone have suggestions for ways to connect with the bereaved and express that this is not a trivial matter when you did not know the deceased?</p>
<p>Just a heartfelt, “Sorry; please let me know if there is any way I/we can help,” is that enough? That’s what we’ve been offering, as we often don’t even know (have not or rarely met the deceased parent). I am always at a loss at funerals–when it is my loved one and when it is another’s. I offer heartfelt condolences, but that’s pretty much all I have. Can rarely dredge up any memories of the deceased and generally am not in talkative mood. It’s so much harder when the survivors are young and obviously raw with grief.</p>
<p>Also, if the family asks for something that we can provide, we do try to help with whatever is requested. In one case, a brother of the deceased was looking for an attorney to help with the estate and we gave him the contact info for our estate attorney. He seemed grateful, as he lives in another state and has a lot on his plate.</p>
<p>In HI, we do tend to attend quite a few services, as we go if either H or I are in any way related to the deceased, sometimes even if we worked with a relative of the deceased. It is a much more expansive view of family in our community. Just attended the services for a cousin who died–all his nieces and nephews and many of his great nieces and nephews flew in from CA; many of his 1st cousins and one aunt were all present, as well as the Lion’s Club where he was active. There must have been 150 or more who attended the service and lunch which followed, with more who paid their respects prior.</p>
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<p>“I’m sorry. What a huge [or sad] loss to you.”</p>
<p>Then, as Hunt suggested, Listen! Let them take the lead for where the conversation goes. </p>
<p>This expression also helps when it’s someone’s grandparent. It beats saying nothing much (as someone above posted hurt their feelings). Friends shouldn’t act as though it’s a “nothing” just because the departed was very old and the death was predictable. </p>
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<p>The woman who was my best friend in high school wrote this to me in a “condolence” note after my mother – with whom I had serious problems – passed away. It was totally not OK with me, and I let her know. She apologized, and even years later has referenced it again, with several apologies. That makes me feel better.</p>
<p>HeartArt, I’m sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>At the risk of talking about <em>my</em> situation, when my father passed away last fall, the best call I got was from my husband’s business partner. He said, “I heard about your dad. Tell me about it.” A wonderful open-ended question which allowed me to say as little or as much as I wanted, on whatever aspect of the loss I wanted. He was mostly quiet, except for a few sympathetic noises to let me know he was still there and listening. When I wound down, he said, “This is hard, and I’m so sorry. If you want to talk again, call me any time.” </p>