<p>Two weeks ago my father died after a long, difficult battle with cancer. The outpouring of love and concern for our family was wonderful and we are extremely thankful. Our hearts are broken, but we were able to celebrate his life in a joyous way.</p>
<p>Something kept happening over and over right after he died and it was very troubling. When someone stopped over or called they would politely inquire about how we (the surviving family) were doing and then in the next breath, begin discussing their own experiences with the death of their own parents, spouse, friend, etc. and sharing many details of their stories. I truly believe the intent was to console and commiserate and show understanding of how difficult it is to lose one’s parent. However, trying to follow all the elements of dozens of stories was impossible for me since I was in a state of shock and grief. I simply could not follow all the stories others were sharing because I was overwhelmed. It would have been much more helpful if those who were coming to console would focus on my father and his grieving family, not on their past experiences.</p>
<p>In the future, I will be extra careful to only focus on the situation on hand when going on a condolence call. Has anyone else experienced something similar during a time of grief?</p>
<p>People often don’t know what to say… and they possibly think they are taking your mind off of your grief by sharing their experiences. Plus, your experience brings theirs to top of mind. I am sorry for your loss, but I try to cut people some slack in those situations. There are things people say that bothered me far more when one of my loved ones died (won’t quote, but assuming others share your religious faith is offensive to me…). But you really have just be glad that people cared enough about you to call, write, or stop by. That is what matters. They are trying to be supportive, and may have fumbled while doing so. But IMHO, better they did that than didn’t come or call at all.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss. I think these folks were using their experiences as a misguided attempt to empathize with you, unsuccessfully, as you point out. </p>
<p>I do not doubt for a minute the complete sincerity and compassion of everyone who called and do understand that sometimes it is hard to know what to say and relying on past experiences is natural. In no way do I want to sound petty or ungrateful because I am truly not. Mostly I am reflecting back and thinking if I am guilty of doing the same thing (talking about my own past experiences) and hoping I can influence others who find themselves making a condolence call. I simply could not focus on anything but what was happening at the moment and trying to focus on the stories of others was impossible. </p>
<p>Grief is a very individual experience. I would imagine there has been many times you’ve been feeling overwhelmed these past few weeks. It’s hard to take it all in. I’m sorry this been so difficult.</p>
<p>Your situation has likely brought them face to face again with the reality of their own loss. They may be further down the path but are still grieving or coping as best they can. They may be trying to communicate how they understand the meaningfulness of your loss.</p>
<p>Would you appreciate just less talking with just a heartfelt handshake or hug? It’s so hard to know how to 'do the right thing," in these situations. It is a lot for everyone to process. </p>
<p>I lost my mother suddenly last year. I can’t know how you feel, but I will say that if you can appreciate the sentiment of empathy rather than being critical of how it is expressed, it can help. If someone is struggling to help you, that’s good-there is no way for them to know how you process grief, because it’s different for everyone. There is no way to say do or don’t do this because everyone takes it differently. All you can do is be caring and express yourself the best way you can. Hopefully the person experiencing the loss can accept it in the spirit in which it is given, even if it is not the way that person would do it.</p>
<p>I think you are getting good advice.
I think others are just trying to show empathy, & it is difficult to do that for some without sharing their own story.</p>
<p>I agree that others are trying to show empathy. Maybe something “in between” would be better…a simple short mention of their own similar loss…w/o details to follow.</p>
<p>Honestly it is not the simple “I lost my mother last year” comment that is hard, its when someone goes into a more lengthy explanation of what happened during her sickness and death. Right after watching my own father die and struggle to breathe for hours, lose any ability to communicate, etc., I just cannot absorb that much detail about someone else’s experience. Down the road, I am sure listening to those conversations will be helpful and welcome. My only point is when you speak with someone who has experienced a recent death, maybe its best to keep the conversation on their loss and not discuss your similar experiences. They may not be able to absorb what you are saying. (At least I wasn’t). </p>
<p>Oh, and bevhills. The jewelry comment - unbelievably painful and tacky!! As if you are as shallow as this person obviously is! I’m sorry they did not have anything more comforting to say when you were hurting over the loss of your mother. </p>
<p>I totally understand what you’re saying and appreciate the reminder to focus on the person you are trying to console. It’s hard to know what to say in these situations, so I appreciate any helpful advice. I do agree that people are just trying to be helpful, but this will help us be a little more helpful. I also agree that not everyone grieves the same, but I can’t imagine anybody wants to hear more tales of suffering during that critical time. Maybe later.</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss. Agree that how we grieve is very individual, that others are not sure what to/not to say, and that what may be comforting for one is difficult for another. Having lost both my parents, I’ve been through this as well. At this point in time, your emotions are going to be raw and tumultuous, and how you feel about the content of what others said is likely influenced by this as well. Hopefully you will reflect back on the kindness of your friends who cared enough about you to be there for you. Death makes many uncomfortable and what to say or how to express condolences is often not something people have a lot of experience with. Again, try to focus on what they did for you, not what they said.<br>
Deepest condolences on your loss.</p>
<p>The gist is that anytime there is a crisis, the person in the crisis gets a center circle. Everyone around the person gets a ring, based on how close they are to the person in crisis. Based on where you are in the rings is how you should react during the situation. Comfort goes to the the closer rings. Complaining and venting can only go to the rings that are outside your circle. Comfort in, dumping out. It’s brilliant.</p>
<p>People should not have been “dumping” on you and that’s why their comments bother you. I am very sorry about your loss.</p>
<p>HeartArt, not sure how old you are. My dad passed away 2 years ago. I was happy when people acknowledged his passing. It didn’t matter how they expressed it, but that they did. People are imperfect and I try to accept that they are doing the best they can and make mistakes. </p>
<p>It was very painful to discuss my dad for a long time. Or even think about his death. It gets easier and you get more willing to talk about it. </p>
<p>I do want to say that I am really sorry about your loss. And I am sympathetic to what people said to you. It’s a really painful time. </p>
<p>I’m so sorry you lost your father, HeartArt. Thank you for bringing up this very difficult subject. Few people do know just what to say, and so a reminder like this is helpful. Some people may share how heartbroken they were at their own loss as a way to encourage you to think that your grief will lighten eventually, that things will get easier. But I don’t know why people would share the details of their own loved one’s passing. Part of it might be that they feel the need to say something beyond “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Here is what I did and do find very helpful and healing: when people share a funny or touching story about my father or talk about what kind of relationship they had. I have heard many things about him I did not know before and these memories mean the world to me and my family. It can be something as simple as “I loved the way your dad would grin, his smile lit up the room”. Also, thank you all for listening to me post a small grievance. It helped me to get it off my chest and move on. Please know that even though my heart is broken, I am celebrating my father’s life and joyful over a life well lived. He was a true gentleman.</p>