"What really goes on when your child goes off to college"

[tako]

<p>Directed towards Hawaii parents, but has many points that pertain to all.</p>

<p>An article/column made up of two parts, the first one on alcohol and the second on sex/suicide.</p>

<p>

It’s rare to hear a single question about alcohol abuse, mental health problems or casual sex. Yet these are the three most important issues facing college kids today.

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<p>Part 1: <a href=“http://starbulletin.com/2007/05/27/editorial/special.html[/url]”>http://starbulletin.com/2007/05/27/editorial/special.html&lt;/a&gt;
Part 2: <a href=“http://starbulletin.com/2007/06/03/editorial/special.html[/url]”>http://starbulletin.com/2007/06/03/editorial/special.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>The author, C. Richard Fassler, advises that parents take a direct role in ensuring that their kids stay safe in college.</p>

<p>

If you don’t like the idea of co-ed dorms, insist on single-sex dorms. If you’re worried about alcohol abuse, don’t send Junior to a party school…Warn your child not to be too trusting, especially in the first few weeks of the freshman year when he – or especially she – might be inundated by a flood of free booze. Getting a first-year girl drunk is a favorite upper-classmen activity.

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<p>I found of particular interest the part about mental illness:</p>

<p>

The rise in mental illness may be caused by one of, or a mix of, the following: the stress of college; parental and peer pressure; alcohol and drug use; and the age of terrorism. Of particular concern for people from Hawaii, Asian-American women ages 15-24 have the highest suicide rate of women of any race or ethnic group in that age range. This is often attributed to “model minority pressure” – the pressure that some Asian Americans put on their children to excel in school and later in their careers, and the fact that Asian-American parents tend to more strict with girls than boys.

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<p>I never realized that the “age of terrorism” may play a role in the increase of mental illness, nor did I realize that “Asian-American parents tend to be more strict with girls than boys.” Thoughts?</p>

[MomofWildChild]

<p>Good luck avoiding the “party school”. The leaves Liberty, BJU and BYU, in my opinion. If there is more drinking going on elsewhere than at the two highly ranked colleges my kids attend (ed), it is hard for me to imagine it.</p>

[paying3tuitions]

<p>I think it’s good to converse with your child, in several brief attempts, during the summer before leaving for college. But don’t demand, insist or accuse. Instead, dignify this child. They worked hard and got into college. They are VERY excited to be going. I’d begin by commenting on all the good decisions the kid has made, both in and outside of my range-of-vision, to get this far.</p>

<p>But say that the stakes are higher and there will surely be situations they can’t predict. I’d speak with them more about process: how will you find out about what a party will be before you go there? how can you have an exit strategy if it makes you uncomfortable? where can you go to make friends who don’t live and die by parties alone? </p>

<p>As far as casual sex, I think this can happen from a same-sex dorm as readily as from a coed dorm. They have feet and can walk to each others’ places. So I think the “insistence” on same-sex dorm shouldn’t be the parents, but rather a discussion in which the child identifies whether they’d feel comfortable, walking down the hall and bumping into a guy wrapped in a towel on his way to the bathroom. If that makes the child uncomfortable, then it’s her decision. I just think same-sex dorms have more to do with how you feel when you’re NOT having sex, just doing your normal everyday grooming, etc., and whether you’d feel less tense in a same-sex building among strangers.</p>

<p>Above all, listen non-judgmentally to what’s on your kid’s mind, including the fact that they don’t want to discuss it with you this summer. But then remind them to email or phone if they get so overwhelmed they can’t find their center any more. </p>

<p>I believe in leaving my kids with words in their heads like, “You might face some tough choices but up until now, you’ve shown you can handle tough choices pretty well. So I have confidence in you. Still I’m here to take a call, if you ever want to talk it out. I have confidence in you. Think about it…”</p>

<p>I also like to teach my kids to ask themselves, “What’s the WORST thing that can happen here, and can I live with the consequences if it does?” If the worst thing is they’ll be embarassed in a bathrobe sometimes, maybe they WANT to live with that in order to see what all the fuss is about to live in a coed dorm (or it’s a better located dorm, or they don’t want to only be with traditional-value students…etc).</p>

<p>Other times, the “worst” thing is NOT something they feel they can live with; for example, date-rape. If they’re observing how the party seems to be evolving, and they’re unwilling to risk date-rape, well, that IS a reason to not stay at a party. Perhaps the worst case is, “these new friends will think I’m a dork if I leave now…” well, that’s a gray area, isn’t it? Is that really the worst outcome and you can’t live with it? etc. Strengthen the kid’s inner voice, to converse with him/herself in the middle of surprising situations. I thinnk that’s better than listing where they can and can’t go.</p>

<p>I believe more in teaching kids to evaluate situations than to dictate from my ancient perch what they can and can’t do. They’re on the scene; I’m not. I’ve given them all the values I can, and only can offer to be a continuing sounding board from afar if they need me.</p>

[doubleplay]

<p>“If you’re worried about alcohol abuse, don’t send Junior to a party school”</p>

<p>I agree with MOWC, just about every college has drinking. Either this guy is out of touch or he is referring to the handful of schools that don’t have parties with alcohol. Either way, that’s a pretty flippant comment.</p>

[Marian]

<p>The author of these articles is comparing today’s colleges to those of the 1960s, when “in loco parentis” was still in fashion.</p>

<p>But most of the parents of today’s college students went to college themselves in the 1970s or 1980s, when colleges didn’t regulate students’ lives anymore.</p>

<p>In fact, things may have been worse in our time on campus than they are now. When I went to college (1972-76), drinking at 18 was legal, and the main entrances to the residence halls (whether co-ed or single-sex) were unlocked 16 hours a day. Today, there is at least a vague attempt to ensure that people who don’t live in a particular dorm don’t get in at any hour of the day unless accompanied by a resident (though this is not always successful), and it is possible for colleges to make some effort to regulate drinking if they want to since drinking is conveniently illegal for most freshman and sophomores.</p>

<p>At my college in the mid-1970s, a girl was raped in a dorm. It was a single-sex dorm. There is no magic to single-sex living.</p>

<p>By the way, for those who are embarrassed by grooming and suchlike in a co-ed environment, the co-ed dorm might be a better choice (provided that the bathrooms are separated by sex). In the co-ed dorms in which my son lived during his first two years of college, opposite-sex guests could use the bathroom facilities down the hall that were intended for the opposite-sex residents living there. (I did this myself, in fact, when I was helping him move in.) But in a single-sex dorm (such as the one I lived in for three years in college), opposite-sex guests pretty much have to use the supposedly single-sex facilities. It was extremely common for me to run into a guy in the bathroom of my all-women’s dorm. I suspect this is still true. There may be a men’s room somewhere in the building, but it’s probably just an ordinary public toilet with no shower facilities. Male guests who are spending the weekend – a very common situation – aren’t going to go three days without showering.</p>

[latetoschool]

<p>I found the articles somewhat lame - I read them because I was looking for the support for the terrorism comment, but, broadly, I think most parents have been offering the guidance re sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. starting way back in elementary or junior high school - to raise these issues in serious discussion for the first time when the young person is leaving for college is far too late. </p>

<p>If I had raised these issues with my daughter prior to departure for college, I think I would have gotten a response like “mom, I’m not an idiot…”</p>

<p>I think it is probably more productive and topical to have discussions along the line of “here’s what to do in the event of another 9/11” or “here’s what to do and who to call if there is some sort of serious family emergency” or “know your civil rights - here’s what to do if you find yourself a person of interest to law enforcement, or under arrest” or “here’s what to do in a Virginia Tech situation” or “here’s what to do in the event of catastrophic hurricane/earthquake” or “if you’re badly injured or seriously ill, here’s where to go and who to call” or “if you’re in a foreign country and in trouble, here’s how to decide if the American consulate is your BEST option (it might not be if the country is hostile to Americans)” - and so on…</p>

[frazzled1]

<p>Another quote from the article:

I feel that co-ed dorms are largely to blame for dramatic increases in campus sexual activity.

I can’t agree. Young people are wired to have sex. Not all will, but those who want to hardly need a coed dorm to make it more possible or even convenient. </p>

<p>Not everything Fassler says is wrong, but much of it is exaggerated. Serious mental illness often first presents itself in the late teens and early 20s - I question whether college itself has all that much to do with it. Even when a college-age child lives at home, parents are often unaware of or unable to mitigate developing mental illness or suicidal tendencies.</p>

<p>He cautions against sending kids off to party schools, yet the top-ranked school his d attended (Williams) has a reputation for an intense drinking scene, which he describes in the article. So what is he really saying? If his d managed to find her way, I imagine most others can, as well.</p>

[citygirlsmom]

<p>NSM, you forget Pensecola</p>

[babar]

<p>Tako, Thank you for the articles. It always strikes me that many kids WANT parental guidance regarding alcohol-centered social activities on campuses while many parents don’t want to be involved. It really is shocking the extent that it dominates the cultures of many, many schools. This subject has been talked about ad nauseum but it is very important. With two college students now at home, my family talks about this a lot around the dinner table. If I knew back then what I know now, I would have urged both kids to pick urban schools where there are more social options than those at isolated LACs. I know at least two kids in my town who are so sick of the alcohol-driven behaviors in dorms that they signed up for substance-free dorms even though they wouldn’t have considered it going in.</p>