My parents and their parents raised us with the philosophy of “everything equal” and “no drama”. There were times when one of us could use a bit of a boost money wise and whatever they gave to one of us they gave the equal amount to the other as an example. And my mom and our whole extended family just does not do drama, hysterics, histrionics, battles, etc. My mom has said a hundred times at least “I hate to see families fight and carry on over things.” We have also been abundantly blessed and truly we haven’t had occasion for drama, but still, they really instilled this in us. And I have had occasion this past week to pass this along to one of my sons who is upset with the other two over something I forbid him making into an issue. It is not worth fighting over. It is what it is.
My sister and I were both raised with we get what we need. Sometimes she needed more of whatever and sometimes I did.
We do not believe that family is > than everything. My sister has cut us out of her life, my bio grandma has never been in my life, and my mom’s brother drifts in and out. There is a lot of alcoholism and mental illness on both sides of my family. My parents did a good job of protecting me from it as a kid.
That has carried over into my marriage. I firmly believe that family is what you make and not who you share DNA or a name with. I will not smile and let it go when Mr R’s extended family tells me that I’m still sick because I’m not praying hard enough. I will not pretend to still care about my uncle who nationally encourages discrimination against people like me.
I don’t believe in the “everything equal” thinking. We provided what our kids needed and sometimes extras but we were never adding with a calculator at birthdays/Christmas or when it came time to buy school clothes or whatever. I think that when you start worrying about being “equal” is when everyone starts measuring - the # of gifts, the $$ spent on clothes, etc.
H’s family has had some drama, mine not so much. Only because I think my side is more forgiving or less intrusive. If your kids are adults/young adults I don’t know how you can “forbid” one from making an issue with another. Their situation and their decisions!
I appreciate the upbringing my parents gave us but that doesn’t mean I agree with all of it nor did I feel I had to “do as they did” with my own children.
@VaBluebird, are you thinking about spending on the kids before the kids went to college, spending on college, or gifts from parents to adult children or inheritances.
I don’t know of any conscious attempts by my parents to fully equalize spending, though girls probably got more clothes than boys in my family and boys got more sports equipment. My sisters always went to summer camp. I hated summer camp and stayed home and played tennis. It never felt unequal.
My parents paid for each kids’ college education. Some may have gone to more expensive schools than others, not sure. It never felt unequal.
Where things differ was after college. Both of my sisters got subsidies to pay rent from my parents. Plus, clothes. I never did. My mother paid for private religious school for the sisters’ kids. I didn’t send my kids to religious school. I think my mother paid for my younger sister to come with her on vacation a couple of times. She contributed to the 529 Plan of one my older sister’s kid but not to my kids. My brother will run up credit card debts that my parents would eventually pay off.
My wife’s parents also subsidized one of their four kids (a daughter) a lot and gave a little to their son. Sometimes they equalize after major things – we bought them a car or gave them $XK and so we get that amount sent to us. Lots of smaller things like vacations paid for – never. With the heavily subsidized D, it always bother me because they explicitly chose not to make much money or work that hard so that they could be home with the kids while I was traveling a lot and earning money as if I couldn’t count on money from anyone.
With both parents, this has to do with a) I have a significantly higher income than my sibs; and b) my BIL and I have higher incomes than the other two sibs.
Interestingly, both are doing the inheritances exactly equally. I think the idea is that while we know today who is better off, s**t happens and the ones who have $$ now could become poor later.
I’m into rough equality if the kids have roughly the same income/wealth. But, if one kid is doing much better, I’d prefer to help the poore one more – assuming that they are both responsible adults trying to earn a living. In my case, one became a nurse practitioner at age 23 and is earning a solid living. She’s got a boyfriend who writes software in a very hot area for one of the major tech companies. She’s expecting to go part-time after she gets married and has kids (not clear if this is the guy, though his mother definitely wants him to marry her). So, my D will make a solid income and as a couple, a pretty decent income. My son, OTOH, is just raising several million dollars in seed funding from VCs for his second startup. If it is successful (IT is a good idea but certainly carries significant risk), he will be worth many millions. His GF works in sales for one of the other tech giants. If he does not become wealthy, I wouldn’t imagine treating the two kids especially differently but if he does, I think the distributions should be unequal.
As an estate tax and asset protection plan, I set up a dynasty trust that is not inherently equal. It is designed to provide money to the kids for the health, education, housing or enjoyment. It explicitly says that while the trustee may take into account beneficiaries other assets, he/she does not have to. Moreover, it explicitly says that the there is no obligation for the trustee to equalize payments.
The relationship philosophy in which I was raised:
Be open and caring. Listen to the other person. Leave no emotion unexplored; bring it all out into the open for honest discussion and resolution.
Treat others with respect. Children are as worthy as respect as adults.
Kids come first and parents’ lives should be centered on the child’s needs and happiness.
No rules or religions. Instead, think about each decision by thinking what makes sense in terms of what is kindest, most moral, most effective in arriving at a solution. Do not obey just to obey. Think, reason, challenge.
Ideas and thinking are important.
Education is the most valuable gift after love and acceptance.
My parents didn’t believe in everything must be equal as kids (even adult kids) have different needs at different times. But, they certainly didn’t have any favorites.
As to our inheritance- that will be equally divided between my sister and me as neither of us have any special circumstances.
I had a cousin with severe mental issues starting in her teenage years ( bipolar being just one of them.) She was in and out of hospital her whole life. My uncle left more $ to her, so she would have the care she needed, than her brother who was a successful professional. Her brother was furious and cut her out of his life. Didn’t even come to her funeral (she was only 60 but all the medication she was on took it’s toll, especially lithium.) My sister did call him to tell him she had died and he hung up on her.
My cousin left her estate to a charity.
My parents didn’t play favorites, at least as far as I know, but I also believe they gave what people needed. They helped us twice giving us money to help with the first mortgage and the second time to “rent” our first house so we could live in it while we were fixing up the second. I believe they did similar things for my brothers, but I doubt the dollar amounts were the same as the cost of houses is so different depending on where we live and when we bought them. I also have one brother who never has a savings cushion and has had ups and downs business-wise, and another whose company had a bad year where I think things were very tight, while our income has been steady.
Their estate was divided exactly evenly.
My parents raised me with the relationship philosophy of “Don’t make your father worried, he might have another heart attack.”
My parents divided their trust 2/3 to my sister in their will. At the time they created the trust/will, my sister had more need. My sister is making it equal over a few years (to avoid having to file gift tax statements). But, I didn’t ask or expect her to do that.
As far as college, I went on a full-ride scholarship and my sister got loans. My parents hadn’t saved for college and didn’t tell me until after application season, so that ruled out the colleges I’d applied to.
My parents’ main relationship philosophy was “Children should be seen and not heard.”
I was raised under the earn and protect your good (family) name. Old fashioned, yes sir, to this day. Daddy is in charge overall. Mama is the daddy-whisperer and as an adult, my role is “make things happen/the enforcer”. Older sister is big-hearted but super-sensitive to life and baby sister is Ms. Independent.
My parents served the community for decades and we all volunteer and have never caused them to “go to the court house”. They gave their time and firm attention to us. No one could say anything about my sisters and I, until baby sister decided to temporarily fall in love with a fool. (She’s OK now. LOL!) My parents have helped both my sisters through financial difficulties and would help me if I needed. They tell me as a matter of conversation what they have given my sisters and I’m fine with it and I even look to see what help I can provide. We are a close team and we won’t let difficulties take one of us out like that. My parents would never admit to favorites and are fair.
My father is very ill and in discussing his “financial affairs”, stated that the insurance/money he is leaving behind is to first support our mother. We are all in agreement and expect nothing beyond ensuring their care and comfort. (As the enforcer, I blew into town to get him into treatment to extend his life, while everyone bent under his fear of death.) My mother has said several times that she is glad that we are not the kind of siblings to cheat one another or fight when they parents die, as we have seen elsewhere in the large extended family. If there is anything left as an inheritance, I expect that it will be split evenly 3 ways.
DH’s family is dysfunctional and the passing of his mother pulled the siblings together yet caused SIL to crash personally. She needs counseling but will probably not get it. MIL had a favorite - DH. I heard her say it loudly in front of the others. That was cruel, but it was obvious and it made it so difficult for the other siblings. They couldn’t even have the pretense of being the favorite sometimes. It was also unfair to DH to be singled out.
My parents are the original San Francisco hippies and have a reasoning, non-authoritative, complementary partnership, married 57 years last week. We did lack social refinement. Even those times we were living in a tent and eating rice with ketchup we knew we were richly loved. We get along great with each other and will all be splitting a house in West Yellowstone for vacation next summer. We have a family text group and share openly through that.
My wife’s family was a lot more traditional with an ex-Army dad. There was yelling, spankings, lots of rules and ultimatums. W talks to her brother once/month or so and has been cut off entirely by her sister. W is nice as pie 99% of the time, then watch out.
A lot of the difference may just be personality. My side can be too conciliatory and self-sacrificing, hers is a collection of easily insulted hot-heads.
Our kids have been spoiled by their home life. We have a very strong marriage, a 50:50 partnership, and a consensus approach to raising kids. While their peers were griping about their parents, ours had nothing much to share. They will make great partners and parents some day. D is 21 and graduates college next month, unattached, any takers?
Neither of my parents were really raised with structure. My dad’s parents divorced young and my grandma was self absorbed and used money to parent. My mom’s parents were military but after 3 screwed up older brothers, they were hands off by the time they got to her.
Mr R’s family falls more into seen and not heard. No one is allowed to contradict their mom and their dad has other issues.
Our goal is to raise the kids like I was.