Agree strongly with this. It is impossible for us to tell on CC whether the OP is a marginally abused teen that is struggling with a domineering mother, an absent father, and a toxic former coach, or if she is an always online teen that spends a lot of time watching therapy tiktoks with a mother that has high expectations and perhaps a lack of understanding about the US college system.
OP, I think you’ve gotten lots of good advice on this thread. If you need help, you should reach out for some. I’d try to break away from the internet for a little while and work on your relationships if you think you can, your parents may surprise you.
I wouldn’t go on the internet and lie about something like that. I do know the type of people you are talking about and it does irk me. Believe it or not I’m not a chronically online teenager. I just keep checking CC as there is a lot of helpful information that I truly am taking into account. Like that mock senior schedule and doing the institutional psychologist job. I did bring it up a lot and I’m sorry if that has made you uncomfortable, it is just something that I’ve stressed about for so long. I will not be able to negotiate with my mother maybe until much later into my adult life.
At this point, the cons of getting help outweighs the pros from what I understand. At this point, it is just not worth it. I will refrain from bringing it up however. I am not here to waste anyone’s times. I just need advice and I’m trying to navigate this part of high school.
OP- big hug. Whether your mom is actually and psychologically a narcissist- or it just feels that way to you- I’m obviously not in a position to know or judge.
But I do have experience helping kids navigate some tough parental situations, and helping parents step back from the edge of the cliff they seem determined to hurl themselves off. And my experience suggests that finding creative ways to deflect, avoid, kick the can down the road, delay- whatever metaphor you want- is generally more effective than engaging constantly in a battle that you can’t win. So try to identify a buffer- an aunt or uncle your mom respects? That will help. Even if you can’t truly vent, it will help you knowing that someone is willing to talk some reality into your mom (no, miracles don’t get kids into Harvard.)
Second, figure out the best way to reframe the insane things she tells you. 'You have to be a doctor, otherwise you’ll never earn a living and you’ll live on the streets." You can figure out a tactful way to look concerned… and then reply “So I hear you telling me that you want me to find a career that I love which also leads to a financially secure lifestyle? That’s great- because I want that too.” And she replies, “Not just any career- medicine” and you get to tell her “First I need to get a Bachelor’s degree… plenty of time to worry about grad school after that”. Which is true. And hard to argue with.
Third- expend your energy on the things that help your cause- moving on and moving out. Resenting your parents? Nope. Waste of energy. Getting good grades? Yup, helps your cause. Getting aggravated because you don’t want to apply to the colleges your mom is insisting you apply to (btw-- this argument is 6 months premature anyway…) Nope, waste of time. Approaching your coach to see if there’s a place for you on the team (explain how severe your health issues were but your medical team has cleared you-- if in fact that’s true)-- yup, good use of your time and energy. At a minimum, the exercise will help your headspace.
I have more tips for dealing with toxic parents but this should start you off. Big hugs.
I haven’t brought up college to her at all. One day like two weeks ago she randomly started reobsessing over it.
I genuinely don’t have anyone in my family I can get help from. I was going to get help from this non mandated reporter lady but it was just too hard to find a way to get contact with her (I know her daughter personally).
I’ll try deflecting the conversation more like you said. I’ll also bring it up to her when she’s more happy.
I’m going to explain to my coach and I think everything will be resolved and fine. I’m going to try and stop stressing and worrying, but I don’t really have a healthy means to go about it. I’ll try and be more optimistic and focus on things like my running times, that I can control.
I sent her the list and she said that something weird is happening to me and I need prayer. She kept focusing on how bad she thought CUNY was and I kept asking her if anhthing else was wrong but she kept focusing on that
She hates 90% of the list and just wants me to go to Rowan or something if I’m «throwing my life away »
I explained to her the concept of a safety but I don’t know.
I think that you should see if you can get your guidance counselor to try to talk some sense into your mother. A guidance counselor might say the same things that you could say but be taken more seriously because they are in a position of authority, and also because they have significant experience in this area.
Another wild thought: The next time that you see a doctor, you might want to ask how many of the other students in their MD program attended either Rutgers or a university ranked lower than Rutgers for their bachelor’s degree. Whether they answer might depend upon how well you know your doctor and how time stressed they happen to be when you see them.
Don’t talk about colleges with your mother till you have seen your GC. If she doesn’t bring it up, don’t. If she does, say “yes”, “I will”, " Im listening" in a neutral voice.
Divide your list neatly into safeties (have a couple: Stockton, Goucher…), likelies (a few: Rowan, Agnes Scott, UConn, H&WS…), matches (4-5: PSU, Howard, Spelman, Drexel…), then reaches (SevenSisters, Ivies and whatever colleges your mother likes). Total: 20, ie., rhe max CommonApp authorizes.
Show that to your GC. Do they approve the list? Would they be willing to confirm to your mother Ivies are huge reaches? Would they be willing to explain to your mother the concepts of safeties, likelies, matches, and reaches + how there shouldnt more thqn 8 reaches on the list ? Would they be okay explaining most of these, especially the private, are class and will prepare you excellently for med school?
(Yes I know you want OT and/or Psychology, not med school, but med school is 6 years down the line
So play along, cross the med school bridge when you ever get to it.)
I’ll try and do that but I think my mom might be upset. I really don’t know. I’m going to explain to her more about safeties and stuff when my counselor is there.
I’ll try and be more neutral and stuff. I told her people like Kamala and Chadwick Boseman went to Howard but she still thinks it’s « beneath us » I’ll just keep pushing it
I don’t think you need to push anything right now! Just practice a thoughtful look in the bathroom mirror so that when she starts in on college you appear to be engaged and listening. The more you push now, the more entrenched she becomes in her “My kid doesn’t know anything and needs me to decide for her” thinking. Way too early for the battle lines to be drawn!
Maybe just take a break from all of this for as long as possible? You don’t really need to have your college selections in place until late fall semester of senior year. Just be calm and polite and leave the more difficult conversations for next fall.
And as regards the work of applying to colleges – you can use the Common App to apply to 20 colleges and you only have to write one main essay which is sent to all the colleges you list (up to 20). And while it is true that some colleges require supplemental essays, many don’t. It’s something you could easily research over the summer as to which colleges you mght like that don’t require any extra work. And even for ones that do require extra essays, many times you can repurpose one college’s supplemental essay for a different one with minimal work. Just be sure to answer the prompt, meet any word count requirements, and that you don’t inadvertently use the wrong college name in your response.
So…your strategy for now would be to try to let this not affect you as much as possible until late summer/early fall. Look into which colleges YOU are interested in and make a spreadsheet of which ones requires supplemental essays. The ones that don’t require any extra essays are easy – once you’ve written the Common App essay, it’s no extra work to include additional matches or safeties that you want that don’t require any supplementals. But probably all the ones your mom wants you to apply to require multiple supplementals, so hopefully you can limit the number of those colleges – but not now. Wait until late summer / early fall to discuss this with your family.
Some colleges will also let you apply via the Coalition Application instead of via the Common Application, so that might be helpful to apply to some colleges that you might want but that might not be on your parent’s top-choice list. For instance, UConn, UPenn, Rutgers will all take the coalition app. So that’s another option for applying to colleges. Which Schools Use the Coalition Application? Complete List (prepscholar.com)
I’m trying to warm her up to the idea. If it were up to me I wouldn’t have this convo until like July/August. I don’t bring it up but only when she does. I’ll stop though
I’m not being uncalm to her and I literally never bring it up. I’m just stressed out and I try explaining that to her. Even when I didn’t tell her that I didn’t want to go to an ivy she talks about it non stop.
I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m taking everyone’s advice and I’m going to do the common app/coalition thing when the comes. I just don’t know how to politely tell her to stop
You don’t. There is no point in asking her to stop because she won’t. The only thing you can control in this situation is your own reactions and responses.
Consider it part of your athletic training. Deep breathing to relax. Imagining yourself in a beautiful swimming pool on a warm summer day completely at peace and in a zen-like trance. Focused on the finish line and not letting anything distract you.
Your finish line is moving out! Your reward for not letting the barrage get to you is gaining control over your thoughts and irritated feelings! Your calm composure shows that you are deeply considering- and are grateful for- all of her insights and commentary even if you shut down five minutes earlier and are now imagining yourself in a field of sweet smelling peonies.
If you’re planning on med school, the most important thing is a high GPA and a high MCAT score. You also will need to conserve funds for med school tuition.
Seriously consider Rutgers, TCNJ. Your current stats are unlikely to get you into most of the schools you’ve mentioned other than Howard, and maybe UConn, which will be no better than Rutgers, but a lot more expensive.
I agree with blossom. She won’t listen to your request to stop, so just engage in the convo as best you can without rocking the boat. Saying things like “thanks, I’ll look into that” or “that’s an interesting idea”. And then put her suggestions on your spreadsheet so that you have them for the future. Who knows, you may end up wanting to look into them in 5 or 6 months time, even if you don’t now. And notating them and keeping them under consideration will probably help things be calmer at home as well.
