I asked a question along the same vein back in May. I got overwhelmingly busy and this is where I am right now. Some of this is unrelated to school, but life is very relevant.
I’m coming up on graduating two years ago with a degree in marketing. I hated my degree. I went with it because I never figured out what I liked and wanted to get my degree and get out. Two years later, I’m just as confused, but continually more and more embarrassed of myself. I have spent a little over a year now working 1-2 part time jobs in retail, and I don’t like it. I did, however, pick up some useful marketing skills from one of those jobs. It isn’t something I’ve particularly enjoyed though. My self-loathing is greater than it has ever been to the point I don’t want to live anymore. If not for a few people who really care about me, I’m not sure if I would be here right now because I cannot do that to them.
My new, and first, significant other is extremely supportive of me and lifts me up. I met him because of my directionless as I worked with him at one of my retail jobs. And he is the best person to happen to me. He is very very smart and talented and I’ve never smiled as much as I do when I’m with him. I feared I would begin comparing myself to him though, and I have. I love him so much, but I feel very horrible about myself in comparison. I feel stupid, uneducated, and like I’m going nowhere. He’s got so much going for him and he’s accomplished so much. He’s a senior. I’m very open to him about most of this, I just don’t want to drag him down with my problems. I want to reassure that he has never put me down to make me feel like I do. He has only expressed love and admiration of me.
I suffer from very bad anxiety, a history of OCD, maybe depression? And I would say that I have an inferiority complex. I do see a therapist, but I don’t spill my guts like I am here. I also am on a small dose of an antidepressant. Upon first graduating college, I did apply for some jobs, but very few sounded just a little interesting. I was sick to my stomach from my nerves every time I would apply and for several days following in anticipation of a phone call. Every phone call I would get, I would feel my face get cold and have to run to the bathroom. I maybe applied for 20 jobs total during that time. I was never interviewed.
When meeting new people nowadays, I’m afraid of them asking what I do in life. This happened last time I hung out with my s/o. A friend of his was over, and she asked what I study and when I graduated. I very coyly responded, head down and eyes averted, embarrassment in my voice, and tried to move from the subject… she was smart too. When she and my boyfriend would talk and I didn’t understand what they spoke of, I felt myself falling deeper into negativity. I could not even contribute to their conversation.
I’ve always loved music. I thought that I wanted to be a musician and tour, but I recently am starting to reconsider. It’s the only thing that would excite me, but I know it’s an unlikely scenario. I also have not found a person who shares the same indie/electronic taste in myself to work on a project. After meeting my boyfriend, I’ve been struggling greatly with the idea of leaving him, as has he. (may I also add he’s better at music than me). It’s tearing my apart, the idea of leaving him. Maybe I should get a regular job and have music as a strong hobby that I even play live with on the weekends or occasional small tours to feed that passion. I feel okay with this at the moment. Being a musician does not relieve my self-loathing, unfortunately.
What do I do???
How do I relieve how I feel? I can’t live like this forever.
Should I go back to school? Undergrad? Grad school? In what? Nothing really sticks out to interest me, though a couple things a little bit. I enjoy meteorology, plants, I am very passionate about the environment/earth’s health, I like cultures, I’m trying to learn Spanish with the help of my boyfriend and a few online resources (I do find learning Spanish fulfilling and it makes me feel better about myself and my skills.), I’m decent with computers having had no training, I relatively enjoyed doing simple design work in InDesign at one of my retail jobs, I find data interesting-- like demographics and such, I like to be both sometimes on my feet and sometimes seated at work, I like communicating with people I’m comfortable around, but speaking and meeting with strangers is very stressful and makes me sick. I met one of my boyfriend’s friends who is going to be a speech therapist. That seems interesting after trying to learn how to pronounce Spanish sounds.
I really want to study abroad in a Spanish-speaking country to learn Spanish… and soon. Me and my boyfriend love to travel and both are interested in cultures, so we dream of traveling the world. He’s also planning to work abroad for a period of time after graduating.
What do you do? Why? How did you get where you are?
I don’t know. Please help me. I can’t do this.