I have an awesome, sensitive kid who happens to get fairly anxious, especially during transitions. From the outside she seems calm, cool, happy - a roll with the punches kind of girl, but the anxiety is simmering within and every once in awhile she has a “spill the bucket” (lots of tears) kind of day.
She is very much looking forward to living away from home and knows she’ll have a great time. We would be fine having her stay at home and commute, but she does not want that at all. While she’s so excited about college, she’s just already dreading that last couple of weeks before leaving for school, as well as how she’ll feel the first few days there.
If any of you have a similar child who has already gone through this, and can offer any experience or words of wisdom for both she and I - that would be great. I want to be prepared for what to expect both right before she leaves, and what sort of sad calls and texts I might receive while she’s there. What was your anxious/sensitive/shy kid’s experience like and how did you help them get through it?
Thanks!
Is it possible to line up before she arrives.some appointments at the counseling center so that she has some help?
My D has anxiety. She went through a short period of homesickness and was a little overwhelmed the first month or so. Once she felt secure with friends and joined some activities things turned around. By Thanksgiving she was in love with her school. She has a rigorous academic schedule and does sometimes get overwhelmed. She has made appointments with the counseling center as needed but overall has managed pretty well on her own. I have seen such a change in her maturity and the manner in which she handles stres since going away to school. In the long run it was the best thing she could have done in learning to deal with her anxiety. She is now a junior and has mentioned the best thing I can do when she is overwhelmed is listen, support her, and tell her everything will be okay.
Our sweet girl sounds similar. She had regular weekly appointments with a counselor to deal with anxiety, then every two weeks, then once a month. She is a junior now and stopped needing counseling completely last spring. The counseling office tends to fill up so it is best to get on the schedule early in the school year.
Academics have been great. Social life has been a mixed bag but she does have some very good friends. It is not on the list for grad school. Exercise has been important, and making sure she is not over scheduled. The right roommate is also key.
The main thing I remember from AD1’s (anxious daughter 1) last few days before leaving for college (2000 miles from home) is that she was so anxious that she and I slept on the hallway floor at least one night before we left to take her to school. She continues to be anxious (at age 26) but she loved college. I encourage telling your daughter that you are always available for her and that you’ll help her when she needs help. Good luck!
I encouraged my shy, anxious, middle D to visit the counseling center early on, which she did, and found very helpful, went 3-4 times over the first couple of months, then stopped when she felt like she did not need it any more. Her older sister, who did not start out at college feeling anxious, developed anxiety during her sophomore year and had weekly counseling sessions until she graduated, which she also found to be very helpful.
Both girls joined several clubs and service activities they were interested in, and found that to be a great resource for making friends. They both also visited the gym often, taking yoga, zoomba classes, swimming laps, etc., another great way to meet people, and exercise is a great stress reliever. They also got part time jobs on campus, another way to meet people and get some new skills, a confidence booster, too.
I also check in with them often via text, send them pictures of our cats being goofy, etc. and we chat over the phone once or twice a week. I listen when they have concerns, and give them reassurance that things will improve if they are having a rough patch.
Living/Learning Communities are available at many colleges and can also be a great way to ease the college transition, since students will have a common academic and/or extracurricular interest area, and there are often group social activities and academic classes offered, too.
Thank you so much for your replies - great ideas and advice and warnings. This is just what I was looking for.
Depending on your daughter, it may help to have her take a slightly lighter courseload her first semester–think one class fewer than normal–to give her more time to deal with the transition and manage her new schedule. This helped a lot of people I know, and unless her intended major requires regular course overloads (e.g. engineering) one class probably won’t set her back.
We were not prepared for our anxious D1’s emotional meltdown the day we left. She sobbed. My wife and I returned to the hotel, somewhat tear-shocked, and packed for our 3000 mile return flight. We left the next day - and I think this worked for us. If we had stayed it might have prolonged the pain. Our D1 told us that many parents stayed.
She was overwhelmed about everything the first few days. The best advice we received was from the college administrators who reminded us that some anxious, introverts do best when not encouraged to join every new activity. So we gave our daughter permission to sit in her room alone, if needed. She did not need to be a social all-star. The next best advice was to not gauge her true feelings by the negative messages she would eventually send us. The college explained that the kids need to vent. And parents bear that burden. I can tell you that one Sunday night I had my Expedia up and was ready to buy a ticket for her mom to visit but we decided to wait one more day. And the next day she was fine.
Eventually, she settled in and has become much less anxious. Yes, she joined a club. She went to the counseling center. She started exercising. She started socializing. She started dating. She realized that the college had not made a mistake in admitting her. And she made the return flight across country by herself during the holidays (which just about did me in). Most of these things she did organically on her own - but we did encourage the counseling center visit.
Over the break she told me she is really happy with her college choice. Whew.
My son was also very anxious about starting college. On the way there, he asked me if we could drive around a little more because he wasn’t ready to go. I could feel the anxiety rising in him as we got closer and closer.
We moved him into his dorm room and made it as comfortable as we could for him, but then we needed to leave because the college wanted all the parents gone. He just sat on his little bed looking so forlorn and lost. It was heartbreaking. But all we could do was tell him that everything would be ok. I was so stressed out the rest of the day, and all I could see in my head was his sad little face as we walked away. :-t
But the college was really, really good about introducing the freshman to each other and getting kids involved in activities before the other students arrived. They sorted them into groups and played all sorts of fun games. By the end of the day, he had made friends, and he was so much happier, which relieved my stress. After that, everything was great. He joined clubs and even started one with his friends, which is still going, even after he graduated. He had a wonderful 4 years.
Of course, then we had to go through it all again when he started a new job, but that worked out ok too! 
Colleges are aware of the difficulty of this transition, and have lots of orientation activities geared to making them feel comfortable and encouraging connections.
The summer before college started for my son, we drove to his campus a few times to create a feeling of familiarity. Before middle school we went to his school, his locker, and looked at classrooms. College trips were similar!
I think kids should be prepared for the possible miseries of freshman fall. So many students get homesick, and consider leaving, even until Christmas break. Much of this falls in a normal range and they end up thriving in the end. I think every kid should know that much of this is “normal.”
Colleges have counseling of course (though it can be hard to access, so off campus is an option too). They also sometimes have groups for kids who are lonely or having difficulties adjusting.
From what you write, it seems like your daughter’s anxieties are in the “normal” and expected range. I would try to convey that to her, that the transition is difficult for everyone and she should feel free to vent. She may not be aware of the many kids in her class who are, in the words of our school nurse, “a mess.”
Every kid is different. For one of mine, it helped when I said he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to, but I would never have said that to my youngest!
Finally, going to college is not falling off a cliff. It can be a gentle slope where contact with you continues via Skype, phone and visits, she can go home when she likes if feasible, and the transition can happen over time so that gradually college is “home.” Also, 82% of college grads live at home!!! Those of us with older kids will tell you this isn’t necessarily a final kind of transition. : )
anxiety is one of those little gifts that many people have.(I love genetics) but the first thing is to make sure she is aware of the anxiety and that it is not her fault she has it. when it is in low gear ,just thinking hey this anxiety I am having now is “silly” maybe enough to keep it at bay , when it is in high gear it is important that she goes to counseling and not be ashamed. some people can only control anxiety with meds. some people can “block it” and many people need counseling support to keep it in check. from they way you wrote your post you seem to support your daughter and acknowledge her issue and that is really important. ( a supportive and understanding family is awesome,she is lucky to have you)
My child, now a freshman, had a rough start and was really unhappy for most of the first semester, but is doing well now. I have discovered since that it seems most kids have a hard time adjusting, so tell her not to be surprised and explain that it’s hard for everyone, even if they don’t outwardly show it. Some kids handle it better than others. Some bombard their parents with crying phone calls and texts of doom. Some kids keep it all inside. Some kids struggle with new independence, new responsibilities, tougher academic expectations, unfamiliar social hierarchy, exposure to sex, alcohol, and drugs, homesickness, and many other issues.
I think if would be helpful for her to get appointments lined up at the counseling center right away. That way, she has someone nearby who is on her side and who she can confide in. The social issue is a really big problem for a lot of kids. Do not be surprised to hear that “everyone has a friend group except her, and all of her high school friends are already having a great time, and this is not the right place for her, etc…” A good friend has a daughter who is very anxious, and they visited evey other week for the first couple of months, because they were a couple of hours away and felt she needed the reassurance. That seemed a good strategy for them.
I got some good advice from a CC user, who said that I should ask my D what SHE wanted to do about whatever was troubling her. Instead of trying to offer suggestions all the time, as I had been doing, I made her try to resolve her issues in a way that worked for her. I became a sounding board, rather than a problem solver. When she said she would transfer, I said fine, and that made her feel that she had an escape route. That was also good advice from a CC user. (She is still saying she is going to put in a transfer app, but I will believe it when I see it.)
Expect teething problems. Resist the urge to rescue her. I am guessing that 99.9 percent of the time, kids settle in by spring. It can be a very tough transition though. I think it would have helped my D to have tempered her expectations by saying that she might find it tough for the first few months, and that she would get through it. I could have insisted that she make an appointment at the counseling center the first week, whether or not she felt she needed it. I also think its somthing they just have to get through. They have to grow up.
From the original post, I don’t see any evidence of clinical anxiety or need for counseling. Maybe this is a result of an effort toward privacy. But it is perfectly healthy to experience anxiety before a big transition like this and crying every once in awhile is a sign of health. That said, as I wrote in the previous post, there are things that a parent can do to help with the normal transition challenges and every kid’s needs are different.
lindgraf
“I got some good advice from a CC user, who said that I should ask my D what SHE wanted to do about whatever was troubling her. Instead of trying to offer suggestions all the time, as I had been doing, I made her try to resolve her issues in a way that worked for her.”…I love it.
My D had a lot of anxiety the first month of school. She is a creature of habit and all the newness overwhelmed her. I laugh now, but it was heartbreaking at the time when she sobbed that she was used to eating the same lunch everyday and the dining hall had different food everyday.
She went to a few counseling sessions, got active in a few clubs and slowly made friends. She was trying too hard to find a group of friends and that was upsetting to her.
It was Thanksgiving before she truly felt settled at school. Second semester is going much better than the first. She made 2 good friends and then introduced them to each other and now they’re friends and then she met others through both of them.
I wish I had known that many kids feel this way and could have prepared her. I know that I’ll be more realistic with my other kids and not expect it to be a smooth transition.
College freshmen handle anxiety in different ways and I’m one who does not think that colleges handle these things particularly well. I would suggest some of what others have suggested - set up counseling at the school AND possibly with someone off campus - most schools limit the number of sessions with campus counseling and about the time your child hits that max, it may take too much time to find a new off campus therapist. The campus counseling office usually can recommend someone off campus. I’d suggest getting that arranged WELL in advance.
I also suggest that when you are on campus getting your child settled into the dorm, that you also go over to student health/counseling and get all papers signed necessary that will permit the medical care providers on campus to communicate directly with you about your child’s well-being.
Finally, it might be useful to at least initiate contact with disability services, even if this may seem like too “extra.” Getting everybody on the same page, early on, can help avoid disruptions both big and small down the road.
I TOTALLY agree with paying attention to the rigor of the course load. Particularly at the smaller liberal arts colleges, there is an enormous amount of work required outside of class. It can feel overwhelming and cause a student to NOT engage socially.
On the earlier suggestion from another poster to NOT try to rescue because they have to grow up – true, they need to grow up. But this sort of pressure at such an early age can be overwhelming for many young adults. The price the student and the family can pay by ignoring problems can be a VERY high price. There is enormous individual variation in needs and thus appropriate parental involvement - I suggest that you look to the professionals, etc. who know YOUR child the best and seek advice from them. Anxiety is real and doesn’t disappear at age 18. Helping your child learn to deal with transitions and stress is important but it can be impossible to TEACH those lessons while at the same time the child is going through an extraordinary transition.
“She was trying too hard to find a group of friends and that was upsetting to her.”
real friends occur organically.–not always easy for a freshman in college in a new setting to understand.
how I met my girlfriends, friends etc in college were never in a stereotypical way. (not at a party or even in the freshman dorm hallway) the closest friend I have I met in 6th grade not even in school. it just happens…when you are not expecting it to. the initial behavior that happens freshman year were everyone is super nice the first week of college is truly a once in a lifetime experience…than people quickly start reducing their circles. (and of course often those circles change again and again) a person with anxiety can become more anxious when the first week of everyone in the freshman dorms …eating together, smiling and stopping to talk with you starts to quickly evaporate and they read that natural sociological change in the group as personally attributable to themselves, even though it is happening to everyone. ( I hope that was worded coherently)
Our daughter’s first year did not start well. She came down with a strep infection the first week, for which the main treatment involves a) antibiotics, and b) rest. “REST” at a college like RISD in the foundation program? No way. The only thing she could do was to drop a course, which she made up later in summer school.
In retrospect, I recommend that one of the most important things you can do for your child is that during the summer before first year they should REST, i.e., have a calm summer and arrive at campus in a good frame of mind, looking at the academic challenges and the adventure of living away from home in a “professional” and planful way. Our daughter’s summer after high school had instead involved a lot of running to events, late nights out, etc.
Another recommendation is that as parents you can’t meddle in their everyday activities at college, but you should be ready to assist. That may involved helping to connect with doctors, anticipating money issues, and for sure showing up for “parents day” that first year.