<p>I went to a club with my husband last weekend. A benefit concert for CCFA- which had three rock bands playing- most of the people I would guess were in their 30s or so, but quite a few my age. ( 40s-50s)
Very little seating- we got there early to find seats, however they were way off the side of the stage & neither the sightlines or sound was good.
I knew some people who had come in from out of state for the show and I also donated some things as well as won a raffle and bought more tickets so I was not sitting for the whole show.
I didn’t dress inappropriately- I had jeans on and layered tshirts- not high necked but no cleavage either- I also am not gorgeous- although I suppose if you had a few drinks you might think I was younger than I am. ( I drank pineapple juice- with lots of ice that the bartenders were nice enough not to charge me for- I am apparently not able to drink alcohol anymore cause the last time I had ONE beer, I still felt it the next morning )
Anyway- I suppose it shouldn’t bother me- but I am seriously contemplating taking aikido or something, because people kept grabbing at me when I would move through the crowd and when I stopped to get a closer look at the band- one man put his arm around me.
those people* were not anyone that I knew- and while I ignored them- it made me angry, that they felt they could do that.
I really hate to be touched- unless I have sent an engraved invitation
( my husband can tell you that)
and I * really* hate to be grabbed at.</p>
<p>It had never happened at this particular fundraiser before, & if I was younger I probably would not be so mad- but I really did not dress in a way that anyone but a complete dolt- would think I was " available".
I didn’t let it ruin my evening- I actually had a fantastic time- I met the main guitarist’s mother and his dad gave me a hug - I won baseball tickets and my daughter even called me from India, though I had to go outside to hear her and only got to talk for about 30 seconds because we couldn’t get a good connection.
But afterwards- when I thought about it I got mad.
Maybe I am just spoiled? I haven’t gone to Italy or Spain lately.
The opening scene from * Bones* where the main character defends herself against security which is supposed to detain her , would be awfully satisfying.
Or the Vulcan death grip- one of those.
Guess I am not a very good Buddhist.</p>
<p>Wow, I’ve not had that experience and I would also be offended. I agree you’re justified in being “irked” (hubby suggests I not get really annoyed over things that I can’t change). It is extremely presumptuous for folks to grab or put their arms around us without permission. I don’t know enough about concert etiquette to know how common/unusual the behavior you describe was.</p>
<p>I’m glad you had a great evening and hope that you hang on to the good memories while letting the others drift away. Not sure you could easily have done much without creating a scene, which might have ended up with some injuries to the grabbers and perhaps you. Perhaps those folks had too much to consume/drink/smoke?</p>
<p>I’m unclear as to how one dresses that makes it okay strangers to them? </p>
<p>I move through crowds with my arms forming a pathway in front of me and making a little space on my sides as well. I hold my arms out a bit in front of me and bend my elbows so that my hands are face height. If someone touched me on purpose, they would get the look of death with a verbal “back off.” A man I don’t know who put his arm around me would quickly realize that was a mistake as well. </p>
<p>If that creates a scene or gets me called a name, I really don’t care. Too often girls and women are socialized to put “nice” before their own wishes.</p>
<p>Your post broght back some very unpleasant memories of my time is Boston when I started college. I was young, just 16 when I started, and when I used to take the MTA there were frequently men grinding up against me. It was a horrible violation, and when I was that young I didn’t know how to handle it. I don’t think I did anything, just stood there and felt helpless. I probably tried to move away but the subway was always full.</p>
<p>I would try to handle it better now, than I did back then, and I would probably say “stop that” in a loud voice now. My withering look of death is not so withering, but I would try it.</p>
<p>I understand how icky you feel. I would hate that too. I hate that kind of cocky behavior of touching people you don’t know.</p>
<p>Congratulations, you are still “grab worthy.” :)</p>
<p>I would have pushed anyone who came too close to me. I did that at a Springsteen concert, nearly started a riot. They left me alone after that though.</p>
<p>First I would totally agree that it is** never **acceptable to grab people without permission ( unless you are yanking them back from danger)- no matter how they were dressed.</p>
<p>However- for me personally- while I was growing up- I was taught that I had to subject myself to hugs and kisses from relatives that I didn’t like/know, and more dangerous, when I was sexually assaulted and later raped as a young teen, I was taught that " it didn’t matter" or that it must have been my " fault". So it took me a long time to feel like I had a right to say no.
Which was excruciating, because like my younger daughter, we have low touch/high pain tolerance and if someone even puts their hand on our shoulder, we are likely to go through the roof.</p>
<p>I am also shortish ( 5’2) and I have noticed that people are really * tall* nowdays! I’ve observed that small seems to equal young equals easily cowed, in some peoples heads. </p>
<p>The crowd wasn’t actually close enough that I had to squirm through people- so while it was dark- as it was during the set- I think the people grabbing at me, would have had to actually reach out- and I was moving fast enough that I didn’t want to stop, to see who it was. ( in the case of the guy who put his arm around me, I just glared at him and moved away)</p>
<p>This was the 5th or 6th time we had actually attended this- I don’t know what was different except perhaps the people who came to see the singer from Guns and Roses were to blame- My H was saving our seats and he is a disappointment in this sort of situation anyway.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine what D is going through in India- public transportation is so crowded you can’t touch people sitting across from you.
I usually must have my "don’t fluck with me face "on- which my younger daughter has taken and perfected ;)-
and I was moving too quickly through the crowd to take time to give withering looks- , but it was so annoying-plus now that I have thought about it- it must have scared me, because as I get older I worry about becoming more vulnerable and my neighborhood has had increased rate of assaults and carjackings lately</p>
<p>But this will give me a good opportunity to discuss with my daughters how to handle it and maybe they will share their experiences and give me advice. They have such common sense. ( But being a superhero who strikes a blow for women every where by teaching these guys a lesson to keep their hands to themselves is pretty appealing too)</p>
<p>So sorry for your experience Emeraldkity. With your moving through the crowd quickly there doesn’t seem like much you could have done. If you had known clearly who the offenders were I might suggest a good spiked heel on the top of their feet. For a really, really extreme case I might suggest a horrendous wrench with your hand in the offenders nether regions. See if they like turnabout. I hope mother’s with sons are teaching them that it is so not okay to grope anybody…ever.</p>
<p>Maybe you were in a mosh pit?
Seriously, if memory serves, rock concerts are full of drunk men. Not that it’s any excuse, of course. It’s mind boggling to think what is going through some guy’s head who think they are entitled to grope a strange woman.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your bad experiences, EK. Learning two or three aikido-type moves might be useful to you, like the pinkie-dislocation technique and stomping on the instep. You also could find a coach to help you work on your body-language (head up, eyes straight, don’t-mess-with-me shoulders) so that you don’t communicate meek or ‘don’t look at me’ w/o meaning to. As for being short, this simply means when you punch a guy in the groin you don’t miss!</p>
<p>Ever considered prickly clothing–I know that some clothing can actually be comfortable to wear while being prickly (with rhinestones, etc and pronged settings), if someone gropes/grabs. It might be something to consider wearing next time you may be in this situation.</p>
<p>Wish I had good answers but believe folks feel they can “get away” with bad behavior when they can’t be ID’d and have had a drink or more. </p>
<p>Glad it doesn’t happen more often but sorry it happens at ll.</p>
<p>Goodness, maybe there is something in the pollen. I certainly understand your discomfort because something so bizarre happened to me the other morning I am still floored. It was mid-morning and I had gone out to get a cup of coffee and decided to stop by the optometrist’s office. I am in my 50s, was wearing jeans, a black long-sleeved tee shirt under a black fleece jacket and gym shoes–no makeup. I live in a nice neighborhood and the office is located on a major thoroughfare. When I left the office, I first went to the car, put my purse inside and grabbed an empty cup from the holder and walked down a short distance to the end of the block to discard it in the trash bin. As I was walking back, a guy waiting in traffic rolled down his window and yelled out at me, “hey, are you working?” I had a new pair of contacts in and as I am straining to see if I knew him and realizing I did not, he says, “you look like you’re working.” By that time the light changed and traffic starting moving so he drove off. I just stood there dumbfounded. I honestly have no idea what that was about–whether I was actually being solicited, whether I have completely misunderstood the situation or what. But it didn’t seem that he thought he knew me or that he had mistaken me for someone else; and I truly have no idea how I could have communicated that I was “working” in that sense of the word, unless walking down the street empty handed qualifies. Too weird and very unsettling.</p>
<p>What’s really incredible, though, is how we women expend so much energy wondering if we did/dressed/said/projected something ‘wrong’, when it’s clear that some men are simply out of their minds. End of story.</p>
<p>Emeraldkity, I’m sorry that happened. A couple of years ago, I went with several (mostly younger) friends to a Joan Jett concert at a hall in Brooklyn – no seating, people milling around, etc. It seemed that almost every single time I moved through the crowd past men, or (as happened more frequently) men moved through the crowd past me, they would take the opportunity, with the excuse of moving me out of the way, to run a hand – veeery slowly – across my shoulders, or even further down on my back. With just enough ambiguity that I suppose they could have denied any ill intent, but I don’t think so. I was totally embarrassed, perhaps especially because I think I was probably old enough to be most of these guys’ mother! I’m 5’ 2" also, and it was dark, so maybe there is something about being really small that makes people think you’re younger. Since I’m not exactly a beauty queen myself. Not that that would have made what these guys were doing excusable. I did keep wondering if there was something wrong with the way I was dressed, but there wasn’t – just blue jeans and a short-sleeved top, since it was summertime. I’m not used to this sort of thing, that’s for sure. But I don’t go to a lot of events like that.</p>
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