My DD is 1 1/2 years out of college and 22 (soon to be 23). She has been living in another country for about 7 months now. Her teaching contract ends today (and her time with her host family) and she is planning on staying for another 4-5 months and live with her boyfriend. I have not met him other than on Skype. He is well educated, financially stable, and seems to genuinely care for DD and is about 10 years older. I’m OK with this as I trust that nobody but someone with the best intentions would be interested in my independent, confident, adventurous, and strong-willed daughter. But it seems like I should message him and say something. She is looking for work that she can do for the next 4 months and does have very specific plans to leave in 4-5 months (also visa times out). She is not yet talking about this being a long-term relationship but suspect he is ready to “settle down” according to DD. I’m more concerned about him being hurt by DD who really bristles at “shutting doors” to her future.
Are you just warming up the rotor blades, or do you actually think you have a heavy lift mission assigned?
“She is not yet talking about this being a long-term relationship but suspect he is ready to “settle down” according to DD. I’m more concerned about him being hurt by DD who really bristles at “shutting doors” to her future.”
You’ve not met him; why are you concerned about him? I mean other than in the generic sense of wishing people well.
I was really just emphasizing that I wasn’t concerned about her being hurt in the relationship.
Why do you want to send him a message? If it turns into something long term you will eventually meet him.
That’s an odd opener, though.
I wouldn’t communicate with him now. There’s no real reason for it, and it might look strange to both of them. Just stay in touch with her.
Yep, the title should have asked if I should message the boyfriend. Yes, you all are right, don’t message at all. I do stay in contact with her.
It would be smart to have his phone number if you don’t already have it. Just for safety.
What is it you want to say to him?
The holidays present a wonderful opportunity for opening the doors of communication. Why not start with a holiday message of some sort?
I thought you had an online bf that you hadn’t met yet.
DS has been in relationship with his GF for about 1.5 year. Both of them are older than 26. We only sent her a graduation gift at one time, but have not texted or emailed her yet. (Actually do not have her contact.)
We have not met her in person yet but we said hello to her while DS was video-chatting with her during last Christmas.
However her parents and all of her immediate family members have met DS once. Actually DS visited one of her brothers with his GF and stayed at his house for almost a week at one time. It seems DS knows her family more than she knows our family. But we think we still do not want to initiate unsolicited communication.
For example, at the beginning of this year, we happened to know that she (by herself, not with DS) visited a city 30 miles from us. We still hesitated to take this opportunity to meet her – because we thought that it could give her pressure by requesting to meet her while she was not with DS. Hopefully she would not interpret this as “not welcoming her.” (This was the reason why we bought a gift to her when she graduated.)
It seems she has been introducing her side of family to DS more actively than he has been introducing our side of family to her.
yes, I met my H’s extended family long before he met mine, because I went to school in his hometown and my family was hundreds of miles away. It’s ok. It’s not a competition. There’s just a level of nervousness that doesn’t need to be.
My S is dating a girl a year younger who goes to the same school he just graduated from. We have met her twice. We told him she was welcome at our house for TG but she’s going back home for the holiday. Perhaps when she graduates, we will offer to take her and her mother to dinner. Or maybe we won’t. We will see. It will all play itself out. There’s just no need to “plan” or strategize at this point.
I’m trying to think of a safety issue that I would need his number for? Yes, she has met his family. Family is a bit deal in his culture.
Why?
Huh? He’s ~32 years old, a rather big boy for the buttinsky talk.
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I’m trying to think of a safety issue that I would need his number for? "
If they are living together and there is some family emergency where you need to get a hold of her and she’s not responding. I have my son’s GF number for that purpose - to be used in an emergency situation only and heaven forbid I ever have to use it.
^^ I have D’s BF’s phone number, and he has mine. But they’re in a long-term committed relationship, so I think that’s very different than GT’s situation.
GT, I think I might just let things ride for the moment, and not contact him directly. I do think it would be nice, when talking to your D, to say “Tell John I said happy Thanksgiving.”
^^ The emergency thing works both ways.
DS lives across country and has an apartment-mate. I gave my contact info to the apartment-mate in case DS has an emergency that we would need to know about.
My brother, who lived alone, was in a severe bicycle wreck few years ago and the hospital had no way to find a next-of-kin as he was unable to communicate. Since then, I’ve been very sensitive to ways that emergency contacts can be found and reached by emergency personnel.
I would argue the same thing others have, that unless there is some intimation of danger or something, at this point there is no reason for you to reach out to him. Among other things, I think you may be assuming something that would have been true in our generation, that when a boyfriend/girlfriend live together, it must mean something significant for the future, and it may not. Young people these days don’t necessarily put as much weight on things, and your D may be moving in with him simply because it is easier than trying to find something for the 4 months she plans on being there. If it gets serious, you will know, she will tell you, and I suspect that would happen if A)she found a way to stay there and work, and continues living with the guy or B)she comes back here, and then is talking about the guy moving here so they can live together. At this point, though, I would treat this more as a cohabitation of convenience, as if she moved in with a friend for a short time, until she says more, and thus not contact him.
It surely would mean something VERY significant in OUR generation. I would imagine it also means something significant in the next generation.