What to consider when deciding retirement location and readiness to retire

Parent Cafe
261

I think the grandparent/grandchild relationship is what YOU make of it. When we lived further from my in laws, we actually had more satisfying visits with them. They would come to see us for a week or more, and they were really there with us. Or, we would meet at their beach house and that was good too.

Once we moved closer, they never came to us for an extended visit. They would stop by on their way to somewhere else. Or we would go and see them, but they were always a bit distracted by other things - doctor appointments, dinners with friends, stuff that needed to be done on the house, etc. we could still meet at the beach house, but it was further for us so we only tended to go once a year.

YMMV, but I think it’s fine to live a manageable plane ride away from grandchildren. With three daughters, it is unlikely they will all settle in one place so H and I will be juggling that too. Traveling with young children is such an agony, that I’m determined to be the one doing the traveling as much as I can.

262

I’m staying flexible until my kids settle down and/or get married and have kids (God willing). At that point I will plant my stake in the ground somewhere, possibly two locations and toggle between.

Would love to be an involved grandparent, but you never know. And I certainly don’t ever want to put pressure on my sons or their future partners. But if they want us around then I want to be there, respecting boundaries of course.

263

I think this may be one of the benefits of having daughters-it’s less likely they’ll marry a guy who’ll be controlling about seeing grandkids.

Among my circle of friends and family, I see more sad MIL’s who are the parents of sons who married women that are not very generous with regards to letting the grandchildren hang out with the grandparents, than the opposite.

264

That’s sad, @MotherOfDragons . I don’t know any of my friends who are grandmothers who feel that way. My grandchildren see both sets of grandparents and extended families regularly. It’s true that they see my H and me more often but it isn’t because either parent is restricting access. :slight_smile: I have always felt that it’s wonderful when children have lots of different people to give them love. Who would deprive a child of that?!

As for proximity, it’s certainly possible to have a good relationship with grandchildren if you do not live close to them but the relationship is going to be very different than if you live close by. My girls grew up with both sets of grandparents a distance away. My grandchildren are growing up with us close by. We see them a couple of times a week, as well as our Ds and sons-in-law. They can come for dinner or a swim, we can go there for a BBQ, we can pick up from school, if necessary, or babysit occasionally. The kids can come for a sleepover. We can pick up and take shopping for back to school stuff; we can attend school concerts and performances, soccer games.

Little things but wonderful opportunities that my girls didn’t have on a regular basis with their grandparents.

265

Count me in as another one who would like to be close to future grandchildren. My parents live an hour and a half from us and my daughters grew up having them very involved in their lives. My mom retired before she was 60 and for 5 years drove once a week to my D’s elementary school to volunteer for the day then spend the afternoons with my Ds. Both of my girls have lived on the opposite side of the country and both decided to return to their home city and hope to settle down here when they have a family.

266

There is zero chance that my kids will live where I live. I have made it clear that I will travel to them as often as I can. I also plan to rent vacation places and retire in a location that will be attractive and accommodating to them and future children. IME proximity to grandchildren is not what creates relationship.

267

As far as Grandchildren, I really do think there is a closer bond if you are all part of each other’s lives on a regular basis…not just visiting a few times a year. Sure, there is love, etc. But it’s not the same. It’s not the same when my parents and in laws left. I’m not saying you can’t be close, but something is lost. That’s why people move back when they want to be close by family. Distance makes everything different, even just a little.

268

This is the issue I struggle with! I hope to retire within the next 5 years and I would love to stay put here in the Midwest where we have our roots, friends, some extended family within 1-3 hours drive, activities that we love, and volunteer with an organization that we passionately support. But our daughter moved to Seattle a couple years ago and will be getting married out there next summer and I don’t see her ever moving back. Our son will probably be another 10 years before we know where he will end up (he is a PhD student intending to stay in academia so will then do a post-doc and go where he can find opportunities) but he would like to be on the West coast or Southwest and it’s almost certain that he would not return to the Midwest.

I really want to be the kind of grandparent who shows up for the soccer games, choir concerts, etc, and be a regular part of our grandchildren’s lives. I also would like to be able to be a back-up for my kids when they have childcare issues or sick kids or the like. I know how hard it was for me all those years we were raising kids and we had no family nearby to help and I would like to be able to be there to help.

Every time we visit our daughter I try to fall in love with Seattle so that I want to retire there, but I just can’t make it happen! I totally love visiting there - we love hiking and the mountains and being on the water is so beautiful. But the price of housing is outrageous compared to where we are now and the traffic is terrible so I have a really hard time envisioning us moving there. I really do want to be an involved grandparent, though, and not just have the occasional visits. I am at least glad to know that others understand this and feel the same.

269

C3Baker, that is my major issue with the area - traffic. We are paying for the nimby attitude of the 80s and 90s. Although if you are retired, you don’t need to live near the city…

On vacation this week. I chatted with a guy working at a store here, and he said that when he lived in Seattle, his kids were always too busy to visit, but ever since he moved here, he could not kick the kids out of his place! :slight_smile:

270

Regarding moving coasts. My H and I are both born and raised in Ca. Our children born and raised in Ca. 2 out of the 3 went to college away from home via a 5-7 hour drive but still in Ca. All of our siblings have remained in Ca. I could only see 1 of my children leaving the state. I also see very few of my contemporaries retiring to other parts of the U.S. I don’t know if we are just used to the high cost of living or we don’t know any better.
My parents moved to Ca in 1960. They moved from New York leaving their families behind. We didn’t have the money to travel to see them and they didn’t have the money to travel to see us. Thus I don’t think I ever met my maternal grandfather and only met my maternal grandma once. She passed away when I was 9. I only have met most of my cousins once in my life and I have no contact with them. My own Mom was a very hands on grandma and I hope to be able to be the same. I would hate to only see my kids and grandkids a few times a year if even that.

271

I have a good friend who decided she wanted an overseas job. Her kids had both married recently, so I asked her about being a grandparent, and she assured me she’d raised her kids, and wasn’t concerned about missing out on grandparenting.
Then her daughter got pregnant. My friend started working part time so she could take care of her granddaughter. Now she’s retired and takes care of her grandkids three days a week.
So much for her idea of not caring :slight_smile:

272

@mom60 - your story is a lot like mine. My parents moved to Southern California in 1963 from Pennsylvania leaving all their family behind. We did get to travel once a year in the summer to visit grandparents and family. When I was 10 and my brother was 8 we began staying for a month with our grandparents in the summer so we had a good relationship with them.

My brothers both live in California as do my parents. Most of our friends are not thinking of moving (except to downsize) when they retire. I also want to be a hands on grandma and hope that I can help with childcare some of the time when my Ds have kids. I guess like you we are just used to the high cost of living here and have saved accordingly to retire here.

273

TBH my thoughts hadn’t really gotten to grandkids yet. I’ll retire at 49 1/2 so I have some time to get acclimated to life after work (I hope :slight_smile:

Our sweet girls plans to attend law school or graduate school after her GW undergrad so we have a little time (I hope :slight_smile: My hubby is 64 (but could pass for 45 :x

274

Maybe we should all check out the grandparent thread.

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@nottelling, we are looking at moving for the winter to a warm place (for me) but not too warm (for my Canadian wife) to balance out our East Coast home. We spent a fabulous time last winter living on a houseboat in Sausalito and will do so again, perhaps a bit longer, this winter.

We’re going to try to pass on our house in the Boston area to another deserving family and replace it with a house designed for the next twenty years. We have a reasonably nice but not super-fancy 5 BR home in walking distance of an school in an affluent town with a good school system (the NY Times graphic article on education said that our school’s students were 3.2 years ahead of the national average at whatever age they measured). Lots of stairs (not great for aging), big yard, walking distance to nice town center, train to city, etc. I feel like we are stewards of this house for the next family with a few kids just about to enter elementary school. We’re going to try to find/build a smaller house on water (my wife is a painter who excels at painting water). It needs to be green or at least low allergy/mold as she seems to have been having a strong reaction to mold/allergens in our house/area since Hurricane Sandy if not before. Looking for one-level living for us plus perhaps a second floor when folks visit.

Neither ShawWife nor I intend to retire. We both love what we do. I can do it from most places that are near a major airport. I will probably want to travel less than I do now when I am in my 70s or late 70s assuming my health stays good until then. I will probably try to shift my mix of work to include more pro bono projects. I was a professor early in my career at a first-tier university and am reasonably well-known and could probably teach at a second-tier one now if I wanted, but not sure I do (I teach one week a year at my old university and am now starting something similar at Oxford). For both of us, we’ll keep doing what we love doing until we are forced by health issues to stop. So, a big preoccupation for us is/should be maintaining health.

ShawSon is in grad school in the Bay Area and probably will stay there as he is interested in tech startups. ShawD is going to look for a job as a nurse practitioner when she returns from a 3 month trip to SE Asia after an intense 5 years of BSN/MSN/jobs. Portland OR, Portsmouth NH and Northampton MA are in consideration, but who knows. She approached me last year and said (at age 22), “Dad, I have a, deal for you. When I figure out where I am going to live for the longer-term, you help me buy a two-family house. I will live upstairs and you can live downstairs. When I have kids, you and Mom can help with the kids and when you get old, I will take care of you.” I said “Sweetheart, you have a deal.”

Given all of that, we will have a retirement-friendly house in the Northeast because a) my wife is very tied to her community here (but is a social dynamo and can build friendships anywhere); and b) I retain a connection with the university I used to teach at many years ago that remains stimulating intellectually and helpful to my business. We will rent or buy a place in Northern California. We will help our D with the 2 family house idea if it comes to fruition. And, we own half of a Canadian house – and if Trump wins, ShawWife says we are moving to Canada (not a bad thing from a health care standpoint as we age anyway). So, we’re either going to have to hire a property manager and do AirBnB or start to shed houses at some point. If both kids end up West Coast, who knows, we may well move there for a greater part of the year.

Our plan covers the go-go and slow-go years but not the no-go years. I haven’t thought about that yet. We are remarkably active (I make one to two European trips a month plus fly to other places as well). We have a very active social life (ShawWife’s doing and cooking both very important there). We travel for vacations (last month we were in London/Berlin/Leipzig/Paris on one trip and Calgary/Canadian Rockies on another). I am trying to write one book and have another project to put out a 10th anniversary edition of another that the publisher wants to relaunch as it has done pretty well. I have built the slow-go years into my plans, (the one-level house, the reduction in travel) but I can’t really imagine the no-go years (and in fact they frighten both me and my wife).

So, our criteria:

Sort of warm in winter, beautiful in summer/spring/fall
Near good airport
Place where people are intellectually alive (this is important for both of us)
Might imply near a university but not necessary as I enjoy the buzz of the Bay Area VCs
Decent community of working artists
Place where we have or can build a community of interesting and nice people
Walking distance to town center
Easy access to outdoor recreation (cycling, kayaking, hiking, etc.) – ShawWife would love swimming too
I should worry about taxes but probably won’t
Access to good medical care
Near the kiddos
One of our places should be a place the kids would want to bring the grandchildren for extended trips
Note: grandchildren don’t yet exist and don’t appear to be close as neither kid is at that stage

276

Shawbridge - I like your d’s idea! It sound like the bay area would be ideal for you unless your daughter settles elsewhere. How would that work with your frequent trips to Europe? I mention the bay area because just about anywhere you go on the east coast has more extreme weather. If you go far south enough to truly escape winter, it might be too hot for your wife.

277

“How would that work with your frequent trips to Europe?”

SFO offers a number of non-stop flights to Europe, so it looks like the area is indeed an ideal place for shawbridge’s family needs. :slight_smile:

278

Shawbridge - I also like your D’s idea. We were presented with the same deal from our S, sort of. No promise to take care of us in old age and by the way, we have to move to Taiwan. Uh, no. We are much more willing to say yes in the United States. But I guess we were flattered. You should take it as a very nice compliment to your child-rearing skills. That is the way our son presented it.

279

Shawbridge - I have a good friend who moved in with her in-laws several years ago. They had lived on the same block before so it wasn’t so different. The older folks are on the lower level and one thing she loves is that they have totally separate HVAC systems. The old folks like it hot, and she is going through hot flashes so it would drive her crazy to be fighting over the thermostat with them!

If you each have your own thermostat, kitchen, and bathroom, you’ll all be happy together.

280

I think you should buy a place near Cambridge, sublet it to CCers for weeks, and have another place in the Bay Area. :))

Of course, if you want a nice ocean view and glorious weather, I’ll help you here in SE FL.