What to do about daughter's break up ?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Let me begin by explaining that this is about the youngest of my three daughters, so I have been down the road with break ups and teen drama .I have always believed that this is a very normal part of growing up and have been there to help my girls deal with the heartbreak as well as the inevitable bouncing back when another boy comes around.
As parents , we ALL know that there really are plenty of fish in the sea.
Both my husband and I have tried to be supportive and also let them experience this and get thru it and let time heal the wounds</p>

<p>That being said , my highly sensitive 16 year old began a little puppy love romance last winter. Just the typical teenage dating, although she is pretty conservative and totally against any bad teen behaviors ( drinking, smoking, drugs, promiscuity , etc )
This was a nice boy, from a nice , though a wealthy, fairly religious family.</p>

<p>The dating lasted about 5 months total and she was hurt when he broke up with her. It has taken her some time to move past it, they have mutual friends and she is not one to let things roll off her back.</p>

<p>The thing that has made it complicated was, a close friend who was very supportive and helpful to her when my girl was going thru this has become somewhat involved with the boy.
Apparently this is a " girl code" violation of sorts and I understand the way my daughter feels betrayed , mostly by the friend.
While my daughter was trying hard to move on , even though I know she still likes the boy , the girl confronted her via text because she " heard " that daughter was upset over it…she basically asked her what she felt about it
( daughter showed me the texts )
My daughter gave her honest, polite answer. Clearly the girl wasn’t happy with the response, so then the drama began…dragging the boy into it
The boy still texts her and IMO kind of sends mixed messages.
Now my daughter thinks everyone is judging her for being " mean " </p>

<p>The momma bear in me would like to :
1 ) contact both kids and tell them to back off and leave her alone</p>

<p>2 ) contact the parents and let them know what has been going on</p>

<p>3 ) smack their heads together :)</p>

<p>The rational momma knows that none of the above is rational and will likely make matters worse for my daughter, who is really struggling emotionally, and a little physically too</p>

<p>My older girls just had more confidence and honestly needed to be spoken to about their sensitivity towards the boys that they broke up with , but my youngest is far more sensitive and thinks it’s the end of her life</p>

<p>Please, if you can only find a way to be nasty about it, or call me a meddling mother, hold your comments , but if anyone has anything constructive to add, please do</p>

2

<p>I would back away. This other girl and the ex-bf have every right to get involved - I’ve never gone for the “girl code” thing anyways. What your D needs is to get him out of her mind, and her phone. She needs to move on and focus on being a Junior (or what have you) and all the things she can be involved in this coming year - time to look forward and drop the drama.</p>

3

<p>Well, the “girl code” is real, but girls are also known to ignore it. </p>

<p>I would encourage my D to get involved with other things so that she can move on…and maybe meet someone else at some point.</p>

<p>However, she shouldn’t feel like she “needs” a BF…that would be worse.</p>

<p>Do not contact anyone.</p>

4

<p>Agree that she needs to get him out of her phone and then her mind (in that order). Both parties (the friend and the ex). Block her phone or get her a new phone number if needed. Hopefully she is not on FB or Twitter because that just magnifies the drama IMO. This too shall pass (please give her that message from another mother who was once a high school teen too :))</p>

5

<p>Yes I do abide by the girl code and have since I was a girl. That doesn’t stop the boys from ‘hitting’ on you hard as soon as they break up with your friend.</p>

6

<p>Would a chat with her big sisters be of help? At that age, I remember thinking my Mom knew nothing, didn’t understand that my life was over–but I sure listened to some older girls (who essentially said what my Mom said…“everything works out for the best”.)</p>

<p>Big hugs and chocolate ice cream also helped…</p>

<p>good luck…it’s hard when our babies are hurting…</p>

7

<p>I don’t have any answers for you, but wanted to send you a big ((hug)). THREE daughters…three sets of hormones…and knowing that each child is their own self, handles things differently, and needs a different response.</p>

<p>I am typing and thinking at the same time, so don’t put much stock into this…</p>

<p>If your daughter is able to converse with you about this situation, I would encourage you to take her somewhere fun, or at least relaxing, whatever that means to your family. Starbucks, or out to eat, wherever you feel would be most conducive to having a genuine conversation. It might mean taking the dog and heading to the park for a walk, just a comfortable place away from home, and away from electronic devices, where the two of you can be real with each other.</p>

<p>Start by acknowledging what a difficult situation your daughter has been dealing with, and give specific praise for ways that she has handled things in a positive manner. If the mood is right, she might open up and start sharing. If not, just spend time with her, even in silence if need be, and give her hugs and let her know you love her and you are here for her if she does decide she wants to talk.</p>

<p>If she opens up to you, she might just need to vent, in which case you do not offer any advice or opinions! Just make the appropriate head nods, the occasional “that must have been so hard for you” or “i’m so sorry you are going through this” comment.</p>

<p>IF she seems to want your opinion, ask her “are you just venting here or do you really want to hear what I am thinking about this?” Be sure you have her permission to offer opinions.</p>

<p>Ask her questions like “what do you want to happen here?” or “do you see any way of salvaging friendship with the girl ?” or maybe she just needs permission to block her ex’s phone and not even communicate with him at all.</p>

<p>Other, wiser folks can offer more detailed actual advice for your daughter. I am just offering a way to possibly set up an environment where you and your daughter can communicate well.</p>

<p>Other things you can do is purposefully set up positive things for her, like nice dinner with her favorite foods, a movie night with all the daughters, a getaway weekend, a spa afternoon. Anything that she thinks would be fun. And if you can encourage friendships in other areas that don’t have to do with girlfriend or the ex would be good too.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you!</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>Speaking as a guy here, there’s also a corresponding “guy code” where if one’s a friend…especially a best friend…one shouldn’t date the friend’s ex. </p>

<p>To do otherwise, especially in my old neighborhood not only meant one was regarded as “scum”*, but social circle ostracizing and sometimes, even roughing him up was considered completely justified by older men and fathers in the neighborhood. </p>

<p>The last part is over-the-top for me, but it was very real and widely practiced while I was growing up back then. </p>

<p>I still abide by the “guy code”…excluding the violent aspects, of course, now as IMO, it is a form of betrayal to date a close friend’s ex unless a loong period has passed and it’s crystal clear he’s moved on.</p>

<ul>
<li>Sometimes, even by one’s parents.</li>
</ul>

9

<p>Having a 17yo d we have lived through this. Yes, it breaks a girl code and to me, especially at this age, it’s important to know how to be a good friend more than it’s important to learn how to be a girlfriend. So I do believe the other girl violated “the code”</p>

<p>I also have seen how cyclical these things get. If she keeps her head down, doesn’t communicate with either of them on fb, text, etc it will blow over. And probably way faster than you’ll get over it. </p>

<p>The key is for her to get involved with other things, other friends, other activities. Busy that girl up! Before too long the next drama will be blowing up.</p>

<p>What I have learned that my d needs, and I do too, is to have someone commiserate, not solve the problem. Ever read the book How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and How to Listen so Teens Will Talk? Easy read, but really the crux of it is to listen, to sympathize, reiterate, wow, that is aggravating, or you seem really upset - and take her side and let her talk it out and ask her what she thinks would be the best thing to do. Sometimes it even turns into some jokes.</p>

10

<p>35 years ago I broke the Girl code. I knew he was the guy for me. The friendship didn’t last but the marriage sure has.</p>

11

<p>It sounds like you already are doing the right things. Why does it bother us so much? We love our kids and want them to be happy. I created an artwork for myself which hangs in our hallway as a constant reminder for everything. It has some sweet little owls whispering…“This too shall pass.” The time it takes is anyone’s guess. It is so hard to be patient when we are in pain. I constantly remind myself there is reason for everything and everything happens for a reason, even when I don’t quite believe that. (((Hugs)))</p>

12

<p>Do. Not. Do. It. lj. </p>

<p>From the outside looking in, there’s not muh reason to talk to the parents. What are you going to say, “Your son is sending to daughter mixed messages and is talking with her close friend!”? Eh…don’t add yourself into the mix. </p>

<p>Focus on your daughter and how she will pull out of this. Perhaps encourage her to distance herself from her friend. Hang out with other friends.ake new memories. Giver her two days to wallow in misery and then get over it. </p>

<p>A big sister chat can work wonders, as well.</p>

13

<p>I have a slightly different take on this. From your description, it sounds as if your daughter was trying to move on–but the “friend” dragged her back in via text. It sounds as if the “friend” has cast your daughter as The Jealous Ex in a love triangle.</p>

<p>In your place, if your daughter agrees, I would change her phone number and block both ex-boyfriend and ex-friend on Facebook. I would also help your daughter practice lines such as, “sorry, I’m just too busy for these Junior High games.”</p>

14

<p>I agree with Periwinkle. </p>

<p>I had kind of a similar thing happen to me when I was your D’s age and I remember it completely overwhelming my life for a period of time, it seemed like the BIGGEST deal ever. It can be hard to distance yourself from the drama at that age, and she could use your help with that.</p>

15

<p>Absolutely block all the Facebook and other social media connections. No stalking.</p>

16

<p>So sorry your D is going through this. I have two girls and I think all girls go through similar situations at some point in time. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of being a sounding board for your D and that’s really all you can do at this point in time. Hopefully, she’ll start to get annoyed with the behavior of the ex and she’ll no longer like him and will be able to move on quickly. Good luck!</p>

17

<p>Please don’t call anyone.</p>

<p>I had a similar instance with ds2, only he was the one to break the bro code. <em>cringe</em> I was shocked because ds is big on the bro code, but ds swore that his bff was OK with his dating the former gf. They actually discussed it. At the time, the bff had just started dating a new girl himself so I figured it really was OK. A couple months after my ds and the girl started dating, a mom of a third boy in the friend group (this is a tight group of boys and moms) told me the bff told her ds that he now regretted saying it was OK for my ds to date the former gf. Argh. I wished she hadn’t told me that, but I kept it to myself and didn’t say anything to ds. They’re old enough to figure this stuff out themselves. He asked the friend, the friend said OK so ds asked her out. He wouldn’t have gone out with her if the bff hadn’t said it was OK. If the bff had misgivings, he needed to talk to ds. I wasn’t going to get involved and tell ds what I’d heard.</p>

<p>In good news, ds and the girl are still together more than a year later, and all the friendships have remained strong and intact. They all spent time together over the break so all appears well.</p>

<p>I like the advice to just be a sounding board and maybe have a special mom/daughter date.</p>

18

<p>“Other things you can do is purposefully set up positive things for her, like nice dinner with her favorite foods, a movie night with all the daughters, a getaway weekend, a spa afternoon. Anything that she thinks would be fun.”</p>

<p>Great advice. I have employed this strategy many times for different reasons. Concert and sporting event tickets are awesome: cheaper than therapy and something to look forward to. Doesn’t work with each child, but does with some.</p>

<p>Many hugs to you and your dear daughter {{{}}}</p>

19

<p>Thanks all !
@ Periwinkle, yes that is pretty much what happened. My girl was trying to move on and avoid the drama until the other girl dragged her back into it. It makes me mad because I know it hasn’t been easy for her and she was on the right track.
It wasn’t necessary to contact my daughter about it.
I don’t know if she feels that she needed any kind of validation and was surprised she didn’t get it or what , but I really don’t think she is a very nice girl after all of this.
Around the time of the breakup ( which was actually at the end of the summer ) this same girl was also going thru a breakup with her then bf and the two girls were really there for each other.
I think this is a huge reason why my daughter feels betrayed.
In the mean time, I am trying to plan a weekend away to visit her first choice college. She was invited to sit in on some classes in her intended major
when we had a meeting there a few months ago.
This will be in the city her sisters live in and she does love to see them.
Also, she has her mind on a rather large concert event that will be coming up in June . It is a multi day event and her oldest sister has offered to take her.</p>

<p>I really wouldn’t contact the parents , but the protective part of me is tempted. Thank goodness the realistic part of me knows that this would backfire !</p>