<p>I completely agree. I actually try to comfort myself when dealing by simply imagining how awful it must be to BE them and stuck with all that venom all day long all year. At least I can leave. OTOH, I’m happy you will be celebrating 400+ miles away. Have a nice holiday.</p>
<p>Too little of your life left to worry about your sister. Instead, enjoy your relationship with your niece and her husband. I am finally able to enjoy one set of adult niece and nephews now that they can interact with me without being subject to my sister-in-law’s attitude. I thought this thread would be about a college age sibling problem- not someone my age group. You are too many years past living with your sister to need to care about her bigotry or worry about her. Enjoy the best thing about her- her children. Your sister can be left out of the loop since her kids are adults without any problem. Siblings are people you grow up with, not the ones you have to spend the rest of your life with. Forget her and don’t feel guilty (mine certainly don’t- I’m the odd one out for various reasons).</p>
<p>Update :
I have not spoken to my sister and not directly to my nieces either because of their work schedules, but now my other sisters and mother have gotten involved and been really showing support to them.
Unfortunately, we seldom get to see my nieces since they are far away.
I passed on the suggestions to my nieces…You just gotta love cc in times such as these !</p>
<p>Just to add my support to the thoughts already posted: Support your niece and have compassion for your sister. My sisters are cruel people. Honestly, the negative energy they put out is stifling. I spent most of my life trying to show them, through example, how to be positive, loving, caring people - to no avail. Five years ago it finally occured to me that I had donated enough of my time and energy to them and that it was time to move on. I have compassion for them because they seem so lost. Be available if your sister has an epiphany, but she needs to find her own way. Give her space. Meanwhile, you can enjoy the company/friendship of your niece and new nephew-in-law.</p>
<p>I just wanted to add that I hope like heck that your niece does not write a note of apology to her mother. She kept the secret because of her mother’s racism. That is a reasonable thing to do. More than reasonable. I further hope that the idea is not mentioned to your niece. She needs support in choosing to act from a place of wellness. </p>
<p>This is one of the problems with coming from a dysfunctional family; in order to make the dysfunctional person feel okay, then everyone must behave in a dysfunctional manner. </p>
<p>As one of my dearest southern belle friends once said to me, “Darlin’, the Lord does say we must love each and every person but some folks you just have to love from afar or you will wind up killin’ 'em.”</p>
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<p>Oh, I am soooo using that…!</p>
<p>Haha, pugmadkate…I am not just going tu use that phrase, but live it too.</p>
<p>I agree that she should not apologize to my sister, but I am not opposed at all to sending her a letter. Sometimes, it is easier to put your thoughts down in writing. She will either read it or not, but at least she can’t hang up on her when they have talked on the phone. My sister is very hateful , not just about her new son in law. She really has no successful relationships in her life, and for that I feel sorry about.
I don’t really understand how she is the way she is…it is hard to deal with.
Just recently , my husband , daughter and I visited her in Fla…no one else in the family has made any effort to see her there ( wonder why ? ) She took us to a littlw town festival which was fun…we got some food from one of the vendors who had a restaurant in town. She made a point to insult the food right within earshot of the staff. I hate that kind of thing. If she didn’t like it, she could have kept that to herself. It is embarrassing to be near her when she does this type of thing. She is just a bundle of negativity…</p>
<p>“in order to make the dysfunctional person feel okay, then everyone must behave in a dysfunctional manner.”</p>
<p>This is so true; dysfunctional manipulative people can make you feel in the wrong about something that is twisted. It is really good to keep clarity on their dysfunction and not give the dysfunctional person in your life any power to affect your emotions.</p>
<p>That all comes back to being able to pick your friends and not your family or there would be many less in my family.</p>
<p>My sister is/was and always will be a drama queen and I just choose to distance myself from her (literally and figuratively). It’s always been about her from day one. It’s like I’ve never existed in the eyes of my mother. Mom is gone now (2nd Christmas w/o her) and I no longer have to speak to my sister if I don’t care to. I have limited contact with my niece but that is due to the distance not that we don’t have a relationship.</p>
<p>Lje - you shouldn’t have to be the peacekeeper/go-between. Just live your life for you. Your niece needs to address the issues she has with her mother. Being secretive about the marriage only added fuel to the fire. She should nip it in the bud and be upfront about how she feels and what she is not willing to accept. If your sister can’t handle it and change, she is the one who loses. Your niece does NOT, and should not have to be a doormat. </p>
<p>Happy Holidays to All. Ain’t life grand?? :)</p>
<p>BTW…my sister is now in therapy and she said to me just the other day…</p>
<p>“Now I see why you did some of the things you did, why you didn’t talk to me.”
“You weren’t being mean, I didn’t realize I was such a bit** and self-centered.”
“Mom really did do everything for me, didn’t she and nothing for you?”</p>
<p>Maybe there is hope to salvage a relationship? I ‘aint lettin’ the guard down just yet ;)</p>
<p>It is kind of sad how this holiday season is such a time of conflict for so many people…I am glad that I am at least geographically removed from it and truly put my own family unit first. We have a good time !</p>