<p>My oldest sister is in all honesty, a hard person to like. In our family of four sisters, I am by far the most patient and tolerant of her , even though she really drives me crazy just like she does the others. She is generally a negative, intolerant, miserable kind of person ( I think we probably all know someone like that )
She is a person that I am pretty sure aggravates people on a daily basis. Even my mother has a hard time dealing with her.
Here is the problem I am addressing. She has two grown daughters, one 34 and the other soon to be 26. They have not had an easy time , growing up with her, however they do the best they can . The younger one, has been in a relationship with a black man for the last couple of years. While I haven’t met him myself since they live in Fla, he seems like a genuinely great guy with all of the qualities one would want for their daughters. Hard working, loving attentive, doting and has made some remarkable gestures to make my niece happy. My sister just refuses to accept him because he is black ( and a Jamaican immigrant )
About a month ago, we learned that he is not just her fiance, but they have secretly been married to him for over a year. My sister found out and has not spoken to her daughter since. They all live in Fla…my older niece has been reaching out to me and hinting that she wants me to intervene ( I am sort of the peacekeeper, bridgebuilder in the fam )
I am torn because while I completely support both of my nieces and am appalled and embarrassed by my sister’s intolerance , I feel that I am stuck in a position of not further alienating sister ( who brings this all on herself ) that she already is…my other sisters and all other family members are so fed up with her for a whole host of reasons that I am the only one left who can have a shred of patience and tolerance with her , and it is not easy for me either.</p>
<p>Even my almost 80 yr old mother is more willing to accept her new grandson-in law than my sister…
It is really ugly…any suggestions or common experiences to share ?
I have communicated to my niece that we all are happy that she has such a great guy and he is a welcome addition to our family. I didn’t want her to feel like she has to hide this from all of us, or that we share her mother’s feelings</p>
<p>It is a very difficult situation to be placed in, but if your sister is not willing to listen to her own daughters and other family members, what are your expectations for her to listen to you?
It does not seem that you will change her mind, but if your nieces are reaching out for your help, I would tread lightly and have a heart to heart conversation with your married niece, be supportive of her and get her feelings on the matter. She may not want anyone to intervene.
I, too have a difficult sister, but it is just the 2 of us. Good luck. This is not easy.</p>
<p>I don’t think it would be out of line for you to tell your sister that she is entitled to her opinion, but that you love your niece and will embrace what makes her happy.</p>
<p>Good for you for supporting your niece! As difficult as your sister is, aren’t you glad she’s not your mother?! Keep supporting your niece. </p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like your sister is going to change, so I wouldn’t waste much effort trying to get through to her. My mother is a ginormous pain in the neck, so I try to find the space where I can tolerate her, be kind to her, but not let her so close that she makes my blood pressure rise. It got a lot easier to deal with her when I stopped trying to connect. I treat her like a batty old neighbor who might be irritating, but so what? She’s only my neighbor, so what do I care? It’s easier than thinking, this is my mother, who clearly couldn’t care less about me. These people, you have to love them from a distance.</p>
<p>Yes, you cant really get people to change, but it is good you are there for your neice. She’s probably younger and still believes someone can actually “get through to her mother,” but maybe just telling her she didn’t make her mother the way that she is and there’s not going to be anything she can do to change her, either, might help. The fantasy of having a parent suddenly change into a fantasy parent can really hinder a kid’s ability to just get on with the business of living.</p>
<p>A wise therapist once told me that if a person is truly intent upon committing suicide, there’s nothing that you can do to stop them from doing it eventually. It jarred me, and I rejected it at first… isn’t there SOMETHING that you can do to stop them? But no, if they have decided upon something that drastic and are resolute about it, you cannot save them, even if you are superbly convincing, even if you spend all your time and energy to keep them from sabotaging their life. My own situation wasn’t directly related to anyone that was suicidal at the time, but that realization, with that wording, shocked me out of my family-mediator role.</p>
<p>If your sister is truly intent upon ruining her own life, then there’s nothing that you can do to stop her from doing it. Nothing. There is nothing that you can say to make your sister NOT be herself.</p>
<p>The most that you can possibly do is to bodyblock her anger and bigotry by not allowing your sister to say anything against her son-in-law in front of you. If she starts spewing hatred, stop her. Leave the room. Say, “I don’t allow people to talk that way/be racist/be intolerant in front of me,” and just get up and leave.</p>
<p>You can’t talk your sister out of her snit, but you can refuse to lend credence to her immaturity, and in doing so, support your niece and nephew-in-law.</p>
<p>Congratulations to your wonderful niece… How beautiful that she’s found someone that she loves so dearly. Have you sent them a wedding gift/card yet? It would be a nice token of support.</p>
<p>Best of luck… you don’t have to play the peacekeeper. It’s not your responsibility to un-sister your sister.</p>
<p>If sister is going to permanently write off her daughter because of this marriage, your role as an aunt may grow into that of a surrogate mom and eventually grandmom. Your sister is the one who loses out. </p>
<p>Be there for your niece. She has done nothing to deserve this. Your sister has made her own bed.</p>
<p>My take - I think your sister has reason to be upset that the marriage was kept a secret from her and now she feels it justifies her anger. Regardless of what your niece thought her mother’s reaction would be, this way, she took away <em>any</em> possibility that her mother would have eventually accepted the marriage once it’s inevitability became apparent. IMO, putting everything else aside, it would be a good idea for your niece to address this aspect of things - perhaps an apology from your niece, and an expression of some empathy for how that must have made her mother feel, could be the bridge to some kind of reconciliation between daughter and mother. </p>
<p>I would think this should come directly from your niece to begin with. If your sister is not even taking her phone calls, perhaps a letter from your niece. If none of that works, then I might consider talking to your sister - I would probably strongly suggest family counseling and a neutral third party. None of this may change your sister’s attitude - from your description she is a difficult person regardless of the circumstances. However, it’s still the only mother your niece has and most likely it’s worth it to make the attempt at a reconciliation and a relationship.</p>
<p>lje, with some slight changes in circumstances I could have written your post. I have been living with this for a long time. Here is what I have done…in order to preserve my own sense of integrity I have intervened in certain circumstances. In this case I would let my sister know that I think she is making a mistake in not supporting her daughter. I turn a deaf ear (literally) when my sister calls me with her usual negativity about everyday life. “I have no friends, etc. etc.” For years I offered suggestions but now I just state “that is your choice. there are a lot of people out there looking for friends.”
I don’t get wrapped up in her emotion…just state the obvious (to me) and then hang up and vent to poor DH.
In this case I would make one phone call to sister. I would tell her exactly what I thought. I would tell her that I hoped the conversation would not damage our relationship but that I felt for my own integrity I couldn’t stand by and say nothing. I would tell her that I felt she would regret her actions toward her daughter in the future.
Then I would drop it. Not bring it up again. If sister called me the next week I would continue to turn a semi deaf ear to her on the phone…I would be polite in person.<br>
And for my own sake, I have limited the amount of time I spend with mine.
I’m not sure this helps but as I said I have been living with this for a long time.<br>
By the way, before anyone posts back I have suggested counseling until I am blue in the face. I have asked “what is preventing you from going to counseling? what is your objection to going to counseling?”
As I said, I hope this helps the OP. Please…I am not looking for posts on what is wrong with my approach. You can’t imagine what this is like to deal with…</p>
<p>Probably a lot of us CAN imagine what this is like to deal with…which is why we have responded. Each of us has to find our own way, the way which will be best for us and which we can live with. There’s no “right” answer in any of these cases, because it isn’t about ‘getting the other person to change,’ it’s just about what we can live with ourselves. It’s too bad, but there it is.</p>
<p>Lots of good advice here. Thank you all. roshke, I like the idea of my niece writing a letter to her mother, particularly since my sister wrote a nasty letter to her before she learned that there was a marriage. Unfortunately , her husband was the one who read it first and it was hurtful to him.
It is so hard to have people ( like my sister ) in our lives</p>
<p>I hope your sister gets past her resentment about the racial issue and the secrecy. If not, you may be forced to chose between niece and sister, when there are family events. Your sister may chose not to attend if her dtr and SIL are invited. Its unfortunate that this same scenario occurs in so many families</p>
<p>I stay away in problems like that even in more serious problems. You or anybody else for that matter will not change your sister, but you will aggravate your relationship with her. “No advice and support everyone” policy has worked for me in my family in more serious situation than the one discussed here. When all got resolved by parties involved, they all were very thankful, has expressed their appreciation to mr many times. It strengthen our relationship instead of destroying it.</p>
<p>lje62, your niece is fortunate to have you in her life to help her feel emotionally supported. My family went through a similar situation when my parents had trouble accepting my brother’s marriage to a woman from another country. I supported my brother because I saw that he was happy. Isn’t that what we all want most of all for our loved ones…for them to be happy? </p>
<p>I told my parents that they had a choice to make…they could have my brother in their lives with his new wife or they could remain disapproving and not have him as part of their lives. It really was their choice. Fortunately, they made the right decision and now embrace his wife as part of our family.</p>
<p>I always thought that part of my parents’ disappointment was that they had this picture in their heads of what my brother’s (he’s the baby of the family) family would be like or how they wanted it to be and the reality didn’t fit their “perfect” picture. But it’s his picture to create.</p>
<p>My mother was like your sister, so I understand your nieces’ position. My mother is negative, abusive, manipulative and a horrible bully. She was such a deeply jealous person that if I ever mentioned anyone (particularly female) like a teacher, mentor or aunt, in a positive way she would go out of her way to badmouth me to that person and discredit me and completely destroy any chance that they would think well of me.</p>
<p>I did the same thing as your niece, I “eloped” and we didn’t tell anyone until after it was all said and done. My mother called me screaming abuse at me for months, and just generally tried to make me feel horrible about my life and my decisions. There was no communication for a long time, because it was just unhealthy for me. My siblings have had similar responses at various times for self-preservation – my sister didn’t talk to our mom for 12 years, and Mom would call us and bleat into the phone that “she doesn’t know whaaaat she said” to cause it.</p>
<p>My mother has two sisters and never once did either of them intervene on our behalf. They let my mother tell them I was a “terrible, bad daughter”, and even though they know she is nuts, they never ever stood up to her. The consequence is that I have no relationship with my aunts now, and don’t care if I ever see them again. They didn’t care enough to stand up to her.</p>
<p>I guess this is a cautionary tale for you. Don’t let this happen. Your sister is wrong, and her toxic behavior has led to her own isolation. The only way to treat this is to turn your back on her and towards your nieces – who need the support, and I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but she needs the tough love from anyone she cares about. That’s the only way to cauterize the festering sore that is her nasty (and racist) attitude.</p>
<p>I just found outthat my mother caved and invited her to join the fam for Christmas ( she lives in Fla, they in Ma ) My other sisters and all of the other family members really do not want to deal with her , but my mother feels bad that she would otherwise be spending the holiday alone. Not my choice to make, but I think that maybe it would have been better for her to suffer a little, even if it meant a day of reflection and a pity party for herself. ( though I had her for Thanksgiving )
I don’t get where she came from in our family…none of us do. Her actions are just so awful and embarrassing.
I am glad that I will be enjoying our family holiday 400+ miles away :)</p>
<p>Well, there is a spiritual theory which posits that during one life or another many of us have been this person to many others, also that the people who agree to come here to be the people we most need to tolerate, love and forgive, come here to do us a great favor and that it is a much more painful life for them than it is for us. FWIW.</p>