Spinning off from the baby celebration thread where the couple being honored clearly wants no gifts, how do you handle that yourselves when getting a “no gifts please” invite?
I know for myself, it was very ingrained at an early age to never go anywhere empty handed so this is hard for me. So, I typically will bring something for the hosts. (Wine if I know they drink, flowers if they don’t). And if it’s someone close by, I will offer to help bring food or set up/clean up. That alleviates my guilt for not bringing a gift ; )
At this point I’ve been to enough gatherings where people who ignored the ‘no gifts’ requests majorly inconvenienced the family because stuff needed to be shipped, stored, or regifted because of distance or other circumstances. I try to keep that in mind too so I don’t feel bad following the rules.
I too was brought up where you never show up somewhere as a guest empty-handed. For in house events, I try to bring wine or flowers/plant that I think will be appreciated. I will also ask if they need anything food wise. For an event at a restaurant, I will show up empty handed (might bring a card).
The exception might be for a milestone event where I have something sentimental that would be appreciated. Like printed old photos of the couple or person being recognized.
I definitely feel bad if I follow the no gifts request and then see a bunch of gifts at the event. I generally tend to follow the request. At a house party, I would bring wine. Flowers are nice, but often require the host to stop what they are doing and find a vase etc. I like the idea to donate to the local food bank or a charity of one’s choice. But then do you tell the honoree that you did that?
I’m another no gifter. If that’s what the invitation says, then I assume that is what they want. Bringing something means the host just needs to deal with yet another thing that they probably didn’t want.
I have never been one to bring a gift just because I am coming to a party - so “no gifts” is not a problem for me to follow. If others bring gifts, that’s their choice. It doesn’t make me feel bad.
Our 7 year old grandson had a “no gifts” birthday yesterday. I bought him a $10.99 Hallmark card that made all kinds of sounds. His parents told me he played with it for hours after the party.
Agree. People rent space for a big event and have enough on their plate during cleanup/breakdown and having to deal with a pile of “you said no gifts but we saw this fabulous doormat with a cute saying on it and knew you’d love it” to haul to the car is kind of annoying. Commercial spaces have time restrictions– you go into overtime because you don’t have all your “stuff” out of there by a certain time and you’re paying extra for cleaning staff, security, etc.
As much as I love the sentiment behind bringing flowers to someone’s home, having been the recipient of these “you said no gifts please but I know hydrangeas are your favorite so here’s a massive bouquet I just hope you have a vase big enough for them” when you’re racing around the kitchen garnishing salads and whatnot- again, kind of annoying.
The last “no gifts event” I hosted (a post-wedding celebration for a widow and widower who had a tiny wedding) actually had a close friend of the bride (I guess she was miffed she hadn’t been asked to host) show up with a fancy wrapped gift AND a huge salad (this was not a potluck affair). She then commandeered my kitchen because she needed a paring knife, cutting board, produced rinds and peels as she garnished the salad with avocado and citrus rings. “Everyone knows avocado won’t keep so I cut it at the last minute”.
My H commented “is this a dinner party or a hostage situation?” and walked out of the kitchen which would have been hilarious except– well- kitchen already cleaned up and ready for serving, garbage already taken out, and where am I supposed to stash a wet cutting board when I’m supposed to be greeting people at the door???
If they don’t want gifts, don’t bring gifts. And if you’ve asked “what can I bring?” and the answer is “yourself and an appetite” don’t assume the hosts are too clueless to provide wine, salad, etc.
I also follow people’s directions and if they say no gift, I don’t bring one. I will admit to feeling a bit awkward on occasion when seeing a pile of gifts (maybe if one asks for no gifts, don’t put the gifts on full display?) Not guilty though, because I did what was asked of me.
To flip it around, if I asked for no gifts and still received some, I would wonder why the gift giver didn’t listen to what I asked.
If it says no gifts, I bring no gifts. I will always at least give a greeting card.
That said, is this a backyard bbq? Yes, I am bringing beer or wine. But that isn’t a gift. That’s just courtesy. Is this a fancy catered party? I am bringing nothing but a card.
It depends on the type of event. But an actual gift, I definitely will not bring that, not even flowers if it says no gifts.
I don’t think people are expressing “no gifts” because they are trying to look like a good saint, I think they are saying it because that is truly their desire. Why do “we” have to put so much focus on stuff being a fulfillment of appreciation or love?
I appreciate when I’m having an event and someone asks “what can I bring” - if it’s helpful for them to bring, I say “yes” and give them a task or item to bring. I also am totally fine to say “thanks for asking, we truly are all set!”
What fills my cup is not things walking through the door but well meaning words and lots of smiles and hugs and laughs. I don’t day that to be cynical - I truly value words and personal interactions the most in life.
I’m with Lindagaf. I’m big on greeting cards with a note expressing my sentiments. We were just invited to a no-gift 70th birthday party. Not many empty nesters want more stuff, but a card expressing best wishes and friendship is always welcome, I think.
And for dinner parties, I always send a thank you note.
Except if the event is in a restaurant’s private dining room (for example) where are you hiding the gifts? Can’t commandeer the coatroom, behind the bar, block the fire exit….
Agree it’s a tacky “first look” to walk into a no gifts event and see a pile of wrapped boxes on a table, but often the entry area is the only available space….
Not directed at @Lindagaf If you bring a gift when no gifts are requested, who are “you” trying to please? Yourself? The host? Is any thought given to the awkward moment created for those who didn’t bring something or to the host who has to deal with your item?
Lol but it also matters who it is. A check is also a gift.
My son got married in November and still lives in Sweden but wedding was in Chicago. It was definitely a no gift since they weren’t taking anything back and we aren’t storing it here. He might not be back soon. So they set up the typical support our honeymoon, marriage etc for money plus they had to organizations to donate to that were meaningful to each of them.
But at least like you said, something. This is different to me when someone comes over for dinner and we say we are good so you don’t need to bring anything .
My coat closet is stuffed with laundry baskets filled with the hastily “we need to get organized in an hour because people are coming over” when I host. If someone thinks they’re stashing a wrapped cuisinart or pizza oven in my closet, good luck opening the door. That’s why I invested in a portable coat rack for the front hall…. because my closet is the “junk repository” before a party!!!
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