<p>I’m still a high school student and I’m not sure how to approach this problem. I live in Seattle, Washington and go to a really good public school. I’ve always done my best to be a high-achieving student and have enjoyed my progress in school. Unfortunately, especially this year, it has come to light that a lot of my peers like to talk about me in a negative way. I was very excited about my admission to a very good college and I got all the wonderful congratulations from everyone at school. And then a week later I’m hearing from close friends that everyone’s calling me arrogant and conceited behind my back, and cracking jokes about how they wished I weren’t in the class/so annoying with my questions about the material, etc. It seems like I’m the only kid in school who’s getting trashed like this. Our soon-to-be valedictorian and all the other kids don’t seems to get any flak at all, and yet I’m constantly bandied about as an annoying person who never shuts up. I’ve tried really hard to think about what I might be doing to cause all this talk and I’ve even stopped asking questions in class. Honestly, though, 3 weeks later I’m still bewildered and it’s really depressing to keep tamping down my enthusiasm and keeping so quiet. What am I doing wrong? What would you advise your son or daughter to do if they were in this situation?</p>
<p>tom wolfe in I am Charlotte Simmons writes that guilt is the fear of being envied. Ignore them. go to a college where the life of the mind is valued. and enjoy leaving those idiots in the past where for the rest of your life you will be able to reflect upon their character from a comforting distance whenever you think back. my guess is that they will one day realize how
they weren’t mature enough to appreciate your intellectual honesy and simply slid into the easy habit of mocking the foreign.</p>
<p>My son is going through something similar at his small high school (only about 40 boys in the senior class). He got into Cornell U. early admission, while virtually all of the guys he hangs out with have grade points under 3.0. These guys aren’t aiming at schools like Cornell, but unfortunately it’s a very competitive year, and they are experiencing rejections from our state university and some others they thought would be easy to get into. So . . . my husband and I think that what our son is experiencing–cold shoulder, “friends” not picking up their phones when he calls, etc.-- is due to a combination of jealousy and anxiety. And, he has probably annoyed some people over the years as well. The good news – only about five more months 'till college starts. That seems like a lifetime to an eighteen-year-old, but boy, will he be ready to make new friends when the day comes! Good luck!</p>
<p>I didn’t really answer your question, Sess; let me try. What should you do? Keep being positive and friendly. Notice the kids that want to be friends with you that you may have previously ignored. Think a lot, so you can understand the situation. Write about it in a journal. Think about how things might be different next year, and how you can be a good friend to the new people you’ll meet. Try and put yourself in the mindset of each of the people who is not being nice to you. What pressure might they be under? Do you think their parents might have compared them to you, using you as an example of success? Are there other factors that may be causing people to seem unfriendly (i.e. other things that are making them unhappy, that don’t relate to you? )Don’t shut down, don’t go into a shell, don’t let the losers get to you. This will make you stronger in the long run.</p>
<p>*I’ve tried really hard to think about what I might be doing to cause all this talk and I’ve even stopped asking questions in class. Honestly, though, 3 weeks later I’m still bewildered and it’s really depressing to keep tamping down my enthusiasm and keeping so quiet. *</p>
<p>It isn’t about you- it is about them.
THis is an important lesson to learn.
While no one likes a braggart- or arrogance- I don’t feel you have been behaving in this way- have you?
But when students or anyone, try and tear someone else down, it is often rooted in the belief that if they tear you down, they will build themselves up.
Of course it doesn’t happen like that, but don’t let others change who you are.I am not really sure why your friends are telling you that “everyone” is doing this- I am sure it isn’t really everyone in the whole school or even the entire class. What do your friends do, when these people disparge you? Do they stick up for you or do they go along with the “jokes”?
I have a feeling your friends are expressing their own anxiety, and are using you as a vehicle for getting out some hidden agression.
This is normal, not that it feels good, but you guys are still teens, and even adults can be jealous and competitive of their friends.
If you can, I would try having a talk with your friends about how it feels when they tell you things like that, it doesnt really give you anywhere to go with it.
If someone was saying things to your face, then you could deal with it. If they want to help you confront the people that are gossiping, then they should do so, otherwise I would ask them to stop repeating things that are upsetting. It really isn’t their job to repeat all the gossip, especially if they can’t help by giving you ideas why you seem to be singled out. Friends should be supportive, not gossipy.
( my daughter is a student at a Seattle high school too- but I know it isn’t the same school because they have more than 1 valedictorian! 
)</p>
<p>You don’t sound arrogant or conceited, but the other students <em>do</em> sound jealous of your academic success and inquisitiveness. Please don’t stifle your intellectual curiousity in class! Ask questions & contribute to discussions as long as you are not monopolizing the class. I would suggest that you seek the opinions of one or two of your favorite teachers (privately, not during class) as to how you are perceived and if you need to make any changes. My guess is that they will tell you they enjoy students like you who love learning for learning’s sake rather than just to get the grade and then forget the material.</p>
<p>adults are always jealous of their friends–they just hide it better</p>
<p>Congratulations to your son, SuNa. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one experiencing this. It’s not the pain right now that’s bothering me about all this. I’m just worried that it’ll be a problem I face all my life if I don’t fix the problem now (if it really is my fault). Thanks for all your help, guys. I’m really hoping that I can either fix this or that it won’t be a permanent problem, especially at college.</p>
<p>Sess… It’s possible that your joy and glow and sharing about your college acceptance might have been interpreted a little as bragging or showing off… in addition to all the other things mentioned above… maybe??? That may not be the case, but if it is, it might help to have a frank discussion with your closest friend in the bunch. I hope things get better and they all get nicer!!!</p>
<p>I haven’t seen anything here pertaining to you that requires fixing.</p>
<p>Well, actually I do: you stopped asking questions in class. That IMO is a problem that requires fixing.</p>
<p>“Close friends” (see emeraldkity4’s post) brought it to your attention that unknown people, who are unwilling to face you, have issues with you. You gave it some thought, very generous of you, and can find no basis for the claims. Therefore, IMO you forget about these claims and go on with your life. IMO you absolutely should not change your overall behavior, personality, or self-confidence simply because of what you have told us.</p>
<p>There will always be jealous, cranky, envious, nasty, whatever, people around you. That is not a problem to address; that is a part of life that is beyond your control. Forget about such people and go back to being yourself. And go back to your normal enthusiasm and questioning! If others did not like it, or suddenly do not like it, tough.</p>
<p>You sound like a terrific person! :)</p>
<p>If there is a problem with you in class, the teachers will tell you. </p>
<p>Have the courage to be yourself.</p>
<p>I will give some information I have gleemed from my Ds.</p>
<p>With my Ds, they sometimes talk about kids they find annoying-I am not suggesting that you do these things, but something to consider.</p>
<p>Here are some things they mention: (I am not saying this is anyone in particular, just some things that “bug” them and their classmates)</p>
<p>A kid that ALWAYS tries too hard and often doesn’t really have anything to add</p>
<p>A kid that just repeats what everyone else has already said just to have something to say</p>
<p>A kid that uses “big” words all the time- sometimes incorrectly, but often correctly, but it comes across as pompus</p>
<p>A kid that corrects other students in class or in conversation when its not important</p>
<p>A kid who takes themselves too seriouslly and doesn’t laugh at themselves once in a while</p>
<p>A kid that tries to hard to impress the teachers too often </p>
<p>A kid that doesn’t compliment others </p>
<p>There is an art to being gracious in victory</p>
<p>My suggestion is not to change who you are, but look at other kids you see not getting talked about for their successes and who you admire, how do they interact with their peers, teachers, friends, and perhaps try some of their tactics, because it is tactics and takes practice</p>
<p>You may be doing all the right things, and have a difficult class, but, beleive me, EVERYONE has parts of their personality they could tweak a little</p>
<p>Good luck and congratulations and college will be great</p>
<p>There is a book you might consider looking at- I can’t remember the title exactly, but its something like</p>
<p>7 Skills for Highly Successful Teens</p>
<p>I posted what I did above because you asked for some spefics that others might see in you, which, I of course have no clue of, and these don’t come across in your posts, they are just what my D and their friends find irritating, so I shared</p>
<p>I should add that remember, not everyone is as fortunate as you, and is stressed right now, and its easy to find someone to rag on to make themselves feel better</p>
<p>This will stop as time goes on.</p>
<p>Here is a trick, but you have to be honest about it, at least once a day, compliment someone, anyone- hey, dude, the shoes are cool, Becky, your hair looks cute that way- start slow, and be honest in your comments (otherwise it will sound fake), hey Steve, what was the homework? I forgot to write it down…</p>
<p>and once a day, laugh at yourself, that is a very charming quality</p>
<p>Sess…you have some good advice here. I am a parent and my tip is in the same vein. Don’t take yourself too seriously and begin on this point…the jealousy evident over the news of your college admission. You see the backlash but after you see it, recognize it, understand it a little and then put it on the list of “small disappointments in my peers over which I have no control.” Don’t put their temporary jealousy on a list of “Major Problems I Need to Fix.”
Take it all like Teflon, take the flack lightly. In a year, you will be introduced as My friend X who is a student at Great X College and your real friends will be proud of you. Today’s jealousy is tomorrow’s point of pride. I know it takes a bit of the joy away from you but only if you let it. Instead, take the long view. You will indeed see these students again as you age up and return. Be very gracious. Be Very Very interested in them and root for them and give support if they experience disappointments.
You are about to have a chance next year to choose a new “family” of dear friends that you can pick over your time at College X. But these kids from HS also count. The other Long View tip…right now college admissions is like a Fever Pitch thing. In six years, it will be weddings, jobs and babies. You will always be judged not only on your achievements, but on how you take on the whole of life…although right now your friends who are not enjoying this flush of success re college may not see that yet. I was one of the only girls in my senior class to get to enjoy four years of college but 20 years later when I returned, I could see Success in many other ways. Many of my friends without the college advantage I had early later earned my kudos and respect, put themselves through school or military service routes and became leaders and great parents. College is grand and so I sit glued to CC at odd hours but College is really not everything. There are other races to run, too. Praise your friends for particular things in their characters and for things that are promising about them. and enjoy this open door coming in your life next fall. Tell them you will miss them and they are important to you. The funny thing is that later on even with new circles of life and college friends…the old pals will indeed also grow up and have a place in your personal history that matters always.</p>
<p>To add to citygirlsmom’s list:</p>
<p>-people who ask others about grades. If you are someone who does well on tests and projects, it may be best to just not mention them. If someone asks you how you did on a test, don’t lie or anything; then it’s okay to tell them how you did. A lot of times it would just be better to leave these things unsaid.</p>
<p>-From what I’ve read about in a few places and noticed myself: kids have a sort of “cult of nonchalance” (I don’t remember where I read that term, but it’s definitely true). There’s an appropriate level of trying that can be exhibited. People seem to value the A won without studying over the A earned with study. I don’t think I’m making my point very well, it’s not considered cool to care about school and to work at it. People at my school would be irritated at those who, when we would read Shakespeare aloud in class, would always volunteer to be the lead and would read it in a British accent or something (although that’s way past enthusiasm and well into obnoxiousness, and yes, we did have that kid in my graduating class). Perhaps they are put off by your enthusiasm because to them it comes off as showy.</p>
<p>-Oh and I second those who correct other students. It’s fine to disagree over a point, but don’t say "I’m sorry, Susan, it’s ‘whom’–‘with whom are you going to prom?’ " There’s a big difference between disagreeing and correcting, and it has to do with the level you accord to yourself in doing each (one is that of peer, and the other is that of authority). If you find yourself doing this, it’s definitely a habit that would serve you well to break.</p>
<p>I don’t think you need a big list of things to look for in yourself to criticize. People gossip about those they envy. Period. It doesn’t stop with adulthood.</p>
<p>Sail on, dear. You’re succeeding. You’ll have to ignore this all your life. Enjoy your success! Celebrate with those few good friends (and your family, of course!) who will share your joy with you.</p>
<p>I know exactly what you’re going through.</p>
<p>my “best friend” in high school got accepted e.d. to an extremely good school when we were seniors, while practicaly everyone else who applied e.d. somewhere got deferred. In fact, I remember specificly when he told me some **** about “a great weight being lifted off his shoulders” when he got in…the same day i got my deferal letter. Needless to say, I wasn’t exactly enthused. He continued to show his enthusiasm and was extremely vocal about going to his college. No one really wanted to hear it because many felt that he was bragging (which i believe he was in certain instances) and he didn’t realize that it was a soar topic to discuss. He had sort of a superiority complex. Needless to say, when I got picked up by my deferred school, and many of my classmates started getting into great schools in the r.d. round, he was somewhat shot down. He wasn’t mr. important anymore - and to compensate this he tried to trivialize everyone elses schools by comparing it to his. This continued through his first year of school. Needless to say I havn’t talked to the kid in over a year.</p>
<p>Now I’m not claiming you’re doing anything like that, but as being someone on the other end of the equation, here are some things you should be careful about. Don’t bring up anything about college. Don’t brag about your college. If someone asks you about it, simply say where you’re going and drop it. Wait until other people get in before you start talking about it. </p>
<p>You have something everyone else in your class wants, but no one else can have (atleast until the 1st :-). So you’ll probably have to tough it out. But if u stay positive about everyone elses chances, and just act as if nothing was going on, then you shouldn’t have anything to worry about!</p>
<p>Sess, sorry, but I think often it’s comforting or reassuring (for lack of better words) for kids to have someone who is, temporarily, the victim of their collective negative thoughts. They can band together and have something in common, never mind that it makes the poor object of their derision miserable. You are the victim du jour…it’s temporary and it’ll pass. </p>
<p>You’ll be making new friends with people more like you in just a few short months—in the mean time I wouldn’t try to change yourself, it’s OK to be proud. Doesn’t sound like you’re bragging.</p>
<p>I’m wondering, just out of curiosity…do they think you shouldn’t have gotten into this college? I remember my kids coming home asking how did so-and-so get into whatever great college with mediocre SAT’s that sort of thing. Or did someone else NOT get into your school who might have had better grades or scores? Not at all saying that’s the case just wondering if something along those lines is the source of this jealousy…</p>
<p>well, like i said, if its other people just being bitter/jealous, then they have to figure it out for themselves. however, i really suggest not bringing it up in conversation - as it wont help your cause 1 bit. i don’t know what exactly the situation is like, but if you do talk about it - it can be seen as you being arrogant - intential or not. I really think it would be in your best interest not to talk about college. Until other people’s acceptances come in.</p>
<p>Sess,
I’m also a senior. I obviously don’t know you and have no idea whether you are doing anything to justly upset your classmates. If so, stop being obnoxious, but don’t feel too bad — everyone does obnoxious things, you learned, and you only have about 10 more weeks of senior year left.<br>
You mentioned “close friends,” which does imply that you are likely actually nice and whatever. I would suggest that you ask them to please not tell you about the people gossipping about you, that you are glad that you know who to trust but that hearing more and more detail just upsets you. Try to enjoy the last few months hanging out with the people you actually respect.
Another thing is that if people are talking about you, they are probably gossipping similarly about the val/sal/other high ranking students. Naturally, you would not notice someone gossipping about someone else as much as you.
(Another)^2 thing is that nasty gossip went around my school, too. Some people have been positively viscious to people who got into the schools that they were rejected/deferred from, and to people who are going to “less good schools” (i.e. the state school, which is good and cheap). Students have made nasty and uncalled for remarks about affirmative action (whether or not you agree with AA, telling someone that the only reason that he or she got into a school was AA is nasty and juvenile). According to one of my teachers, many second semester seniors regress to the maturity level of sixth graders.</p>
<p>Sess,
when in doubt, go for humor…keep it light…stay focused … be kind… have patience…I completely agree with a lot of the humor and all I can say is that the months btwn ED and April 1st is a long, harsh angst ridden time…and people may be snarky because you are settled. You know where you will be going and you like it… not knowing what the future holds is tough for a lot of people…</p>
<p>My favorite rule that I try to use in everything I do or say is “what is my intent?” Am I asking the question cause I really want to know the answer or because I want the floor time? What do I know about the folks at the lunch table with me? Use this time to take that inward energy “what am I doing wrong?” to focus instead on your circle of friends or the next tier out of acquaintences…find out what is going on with them. Back to basic conversation skills…find out what their days are like…soon, because you are demonstrating interest in their reality, it will be very hard for them to blow you off…</p>