What to do when student has no interest?

Parents Forum
1

<p>I have a 17 year old boy who is a junior and gets good grades at his private high school. However, when it comes to college preparation, he is just not interested. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go to college; it’s that he doesn’t want to lift a finger to prepare or research for it. All he wants to do in his spare time is play video games. </p>

<p>I am at my wits end. He has taken the SAT and ACT both one time. Pretty similar scores, but it is obvious he needs to work on the math. We discussed getting him a tutor and he said no, he would study on his own (I know he won’t). So, I went ahead and set up a tutor for Saturday afternoons, and now he is screaming at me that he won’t go.</p>

<p>Should I hog tie him to the car and make him go, or just let him float and suffer the consequences when it is decision time for him. His group of close knit friends at school all seem about the same way. Is it just that boys don’t wake up until too late?</p>

2

<p>Explain to him that he is going to have to prepare to go to college, or it is not going to happen. It is not an automatic promotion. It may help for you to show him median SAT scores of some colleges he might find appealing. He won’t work on his scores unless he feels there is a reason to. Some families need merit aid, which in many cases is score-dependent. If he is not interested in researching college options or preparing his record for admissions, then tell him he can attend the local CC–NOT as a threat but as a matter-of-fact alternative. If he wants something else, he will have to prepare to attain it.</p>

<p>I had a similar issue with my D when she was in 10th grade. She had some mediocre marking-period grades yet was still talking about attending selective colleges. We had to sit her down and point out what, exactly, she’d have to achieve in order to be a realistic candidate for those schools she was interested in, and we told her we were not going to permit her to indulge in magical thinking. If it was more important to her to watch back episodes of Lost on Netflix instead of bringing that chem grade up, so be it; but we weren’t going to talk any more about this or that college or major. We made it clear that we did not care whether she went to any particular school, as long as she was happy with it; but she had to understand that she was making choices, right now, that affected her future opportunities. After our “come to Jesus” talk, she did change her ways and step up to the plate.</p>

3

<p>Alternate view. There IS a college for this student even with his current SAT scores, and it might be a fine school. </p>

<p>We signed both of our kids up for a Kaplan prep course after their first SAT scores came back. One worked like crazy and scores on CR/Math sections improved almost 300 points. The second kid did the bare minimum and her scores didn’t improve at all (seriously…same scores).</p>

<p>Both got accepted to the colleges of THEIR choice.</p>

<p>More important will be helping your son target attainable schools when it comes time to apply. </p>

<p>Some kids love the process and others are just along for the ride. My guess is your son WILL apply to college, and there will be a number of schools from which he can choose.</p>

<p>He just isn’t ready to do this…yet.</p>

4

<p>In general, there really aren’t any negative consequences for doing ‘nothing’ as long as the student maintains decent grades and has a decent test score.</p>

<p>Say for example you live in Iowa. The student has a 3.8 GPA with strong AP courses, etc but scores ‘only’ a 29 on the ACT. Parents want him to retake it, get at least a 31 so he can apply to places like Tulane, Emory, etc. Kid says, why, I am perfectly happy going to U Iowa or U MN and sees no negative consequences because there really aren’t any. Is the student being hurt in any way by attending lower ranked U MN over Tulane? He answer is clearly no.</p>

5

<p>If he really doesn’t want a tutor you could pay him some percentage of what you would have paid the tutor to him. Does he need a tutor? Do you know what score he would get without one? Does that score seem in line with his grades and ability? </p>

<p>I dragged both my kids on college visits spring vacation junior year. I picked colleges I thought they would like. In one case I did take my kid to a college I thought he wouldn’t like (too small, too rural) because there are things about that college (senior projects, strong music program) that I thought might make him think about what to look for in a college and it was located near another college he ended up applying to. </p>

<p>Neither of my kids enjoyed the process of picking out colleges much. Older son basically said, tell me where the best comp sci programs are and I will apply to them. I nixed one for social (no guaranteed housing) and $$ (impacted majors) reasons, but gave him free rein otherwise. Younger son used visiting to figure out what he wanted.</p>

6

<p>Look, you might have to take the lead role and do lots of the legwork. My DD wrote her own essays - but otherwise was a reluctant participant in the process. Only now that it’s all nearly over does she tell me that she is finally starting to get excited about college.</p>

7

<p>I don’t think this an SAT problem. He will get into schools with his SAT scores (that I see in your other posts.) I think the problem is that your son is disengaged. An able-bodied 17 year-old almost-adult should not be uninterested in his future and playing computer games in all of his spare time.</p>

<p>I would make sure he gets a job this summer so it is clear to him how his future life will be if he does not put forth some effort.</p>

8

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<p>Yes, it may be that the student will be happy with the options available to him at his current level of preparation. If he is, then that’s fine. But I do think that many otherwise bright kids somehow fail to see that college is not automatic promotion, and it’s something they have to invest some time and energy thinking about. If the student says, “Mom, I don’t want to go to Prestige U; I’m happy to go to Regular College,” then that’s an active choice, and it can be respected as such. Some kids avoid thinking about this issue when there is ambient pressure/expectations to compete for prestige admissions (not saying this is the case with the OP’s son). Total avoidance of the college issue in the spring of junior year for an academically inclined kid is a red flag.</p>

9

<p>Is he interested in anything in particular or is he not sure what he wants to study? Sometimes knowing what you want to study can help create some interest in the college selection process.</p>

<p>I can tell you that my son is the same way and plenty of kids at his school are also the same. He is just returning to school (jr.) from his March break today and pretty much did nothing the whole 2.5 weeks besides sleeping, play video games and a bit of catching up on school work. Plus did an SAT test. Fortunately he is a bit better now about the whole college planning process than just 3 months ago (I could have written your OP) and what changed is that I decided to let him take the lead and be less of a helicopter mom. Slowly he came around, seemed less stressed, more happy and willing to talk over schools, etc. with us. </p>

<p>Regarding the tutor, I would find out from him what exactly he needs. Some kids do better studying on their own and some kids find tutors helpful. We did get a tutor for our son in the summer but the tutor thought that he was ready for the SATs by Nov and didn’t need him anymore. What he needed to work on was his timing and speed since he already knew the material. </p>

<p>I’d say you really have to look at your kid’s personality and see how far you can nudge them or not. Some kids may resist and do the opposite, some kids like to be told what to do, and some kids embrace and love the whole college planning process (cc kids, not mine).</p>

10

<p>It could also be that he is deep-down inside worried about the whole thing. It’s very daunting and can be scary for kids as they begin this process-- especially second-semester juniors in HS. Maybe wait until the time is right (if it ever is…) and sit down and have a heart to heart talk about it. Some kids react to the stress by shutting down, shutting parents out, and pretending not to care. His real feelings about the whole thing might be different than they seem on the surface.</p>

11

<p>When we dealt with college stuff, I asked for their attention in very small increments. I’d say,“ok, I need 15 minutes of your time today”. I would have a plan for what needed (I thought) to get done (starting an application) or something discussed. Otherwise I didn’t bring up college talk unless they brought it up. It worked for us - applications spread over a long period of time - but in small time increments. I think they needed it that way to keep down the stress. Little by little he will get there, and every journey is different.</p>

12

<p>I did the initial research of colleges for my son. I realized there were just too many options for even a bright junior guy to get a grip on. I bought the Fiske guide and sticky-noted colleges I thought he might like. He looked them over and picked some to visit. Seeing these amazing campuses seemed motivating. These guides will also give your son info about what kind of test scores might be needed for admission. Do NOT force him into test prep! Waste of your money and he’ll just resent it.</p>

13

<p>Neither of my kids did test prep. They took the SAT once and then said “that’s good enough.” So, we looked for colleges that would accept them with those scores and grades. And that was that. If kid has no dreams of going to a “top” college, then why stress over it. They also had no interest in college visits. D1 did 2 - both in our home city and asked to leave in the middle of the 2nd one. S2 did 2 (about 2 hours away) and was barely engaged and unimpressed. So, I gave up. I made an initial list for them - they did a cursory internet search - submitted applications, did auditions (one is musical theater major other will be voice performance) and voila, they are in college!</p>

14

<p>Single mom of 3 boys here (also have 2 girls but not relevant to this thread!)</p>

<p>First, why is he screaming at you (his beloved mother) in YOUR house?</p>

<p>Screaming at my house was because you just won a state championship or the lottery, or something just horrid. Other than that, it’s my house and my rules.</p>

<p>You, concerned for him signed him up for test prep. Test prep in our house was the “boy” walking/running to the library to check out a test prep book. We live in a rural area so that run is a run.</p>

<p>Private school that I assume you pay for? or he does?</p>

<p>And he gets to said private school how? By public transportation?</p>

<p>And his game system, the magic game system fairy brought that to him?</p>

<p>Getting excited about college is being excited about his future. A future that he wishes and dreams for, an education that will foster his growth and maturity in so many ways besides academically.</p>

<p>Does he want that? or does he feel like he already has it?</p>

<p>My children heard day in and day out “to whom much is given, much is expected”. Or even more specific to my household “much is demanded”. Their education wasn’t just in and of itself wonderful for them but for how many others they could touch and help.</p>

<p>Not to be a spectator but a participant and to truly make a difference. And they weren’t to start this in college but well before. If the growth that they themselves control starts before college then choosing a path and choosing a college because its just a natural progression, it becomes the next step. And one they will be so excited to pursue.</p>

<p>And community college shouldn’t be a threat. It is a very real and viable option for many students. Three of mine have attended and benefited from our community college system. My five were accepted and attended ivies, MIT, Cal Tech, the service academies (West Point, the Naval Academy) in-state and OOS publics. And have since graduated with honors and moved on to graduate and med school.</p>

<p>I am sure your kiddo knows you love him. Tell him and expect him to show you the same love and respect. </p>

<p>To whom much is given much is expected.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

15

<p>I agree with Haystack and frankly it doesn’t matter if he goes to a private high school or a public high school or a parochial high school or is home schooled. There are plenty of decent colleges that will take a kid that is college ready by virtue of their unweighted GPA and test scores. Unless he’s bottoming out GPA-wise and simply can’t hit the college ready mark on national tests there will be colleges that fit him. The ONLY two reasons for kids to take multiple sittings of nationalized tests or take tutoring is to get admitted somewhere THEY want to get accepted into or YOU want them to get accepted into. Otherwise, come senior fall make a list of colleges that fit this kiddo. Many kids are not really “ready” to talk about college in their junior year…these kids are all about their junior year not thinking two years down the line. You can take him on a visit this summer very casually to somewhere nearby and do the big/small thing if he can’t even articulate that concept. That is a pretty easy concept and a start to get things percolating.</p>

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<p>I agree with franglish. </p>

<p>It seems like there are some deeper emotional issues going on.</p>

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<p>My son did not care much about the whole process until the time he had to actually apply to colleges. At that time his friends were all applying to multiple colleges, comparing GPAs, SATs and my son understood the need to go on with the show. Ultimately he applied and got accepted to two great schools EA and is waiting at others options for RD. So her him register for the required tests ( he can still take it in his senior year) and register on college board to receive information about colleges that might be of his interest. It is a stressful time so give him time to adjust.</p>

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<p>I don’t think there are deeper emotional issues. I just don’t think many kids want to spend two entire years of their four years of high school focused on which college they want to go to. However, i do think many parents are focused on this milestone, much like parents tend to be about toddler walking and potty training: Suzie’s walked at 9 months, Sam’s walked at 12, Meg’s at 15 months…potty trained my 2 yup, potty trained by 2 nope! Look at the thread for parents of kids graduating this year - 22,000+ posts and that thread got started when this year’s seniors were freshman! It’s absolutely OK for parents to be heavily invested in this process but there’s really nothing ‘wrong’ with kids who don’t want to start thinking about this stuff until senior fall.</p>

19

<p>Go buy him one of the guides to colleges books, and just put in his room. And maybe a test prep book.
Tell him you will only talk about college and tests etc on Sunday’s.<br>
Then hard as you can say nothing. </p>

<p>However doing well on the PSAT can mean major money…so that test is kind of important.</p>

20

<p>OP’s kid sounds like most of the boys I know. In junior year, they kinda “knew” that they wanted to go to college. If pressed they would say they would apply to a popular state school - not that they knew anything about it. By senior year, most of them at least started to identify schools they might like. But, ya know, some kids just don’t get all excited about college and testing and academics, etc. My kids were definitely more about the ECs and video games and hanging out with friends.</p>