I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll mention it again:
My parents created “the list.” It listed anything of value – either monetary or sentimental – and assigned it to either my sister or me. That way, there were no arguments. We swapped a few things, and I wound up giving her a few things that were important to her (and vice versa). For my mother’s costume jewelry, which was not on the list, my sister (the elder) chose first, then me, and so on.
It worked well and I’ve created a list for my two boys.
My inlaws asked us for lists. So…DH, the eldest of his siblings, sent a list that was three items long. Mind you…we wanted none of these things now while the inlaws are using them.
MIL graciously replied that DH could have NONE of those three things…none. But we could another item…which we don’t want, need or plan to ever take. Oddly, one of DH’s siblings really wanted that item…and put it on his short list.
Why did she bother asking? Anyway…we have a deal going with the sibling. They can have this thing.
We don’t know where the three items we actually wanted will go. But at this point…we don’t want them anymore either. It will make it much easier as DH can drive up in a small car…as he won’t be bringing anything back here.
My grandmother is trying to let people choose from her belongings well ahead of her death. With the help of one of her kids she made a master list of all things in her home down to the garden hose. First her kids got to go through it and then it got circulated through the grandkids. It was a little sad to see some of my cousins choosing dozens of items before all of us had a chance to even see the list - but grandma does have final say.
Another way I have heard of people disposing of their parents belongings is to have the kids (without their spouses) perform an auction amongst themselves. If you really want an item you can bid it up until it’s yours. At the end of the “auction” the money is divided equally amongst the siblings.
One problem with the bidding I think is that different siblings can have different resources at their disposal. I don’t think it would be fair if one sibling with a more successful career walked away with all the prized family heirlooms.
We’ve done this several times in my family. There are 6 kids. In round#1, we went in order, from oldest to youngest. For round #2, everyone moved down a place - the youngest picked first, followed by 1-5. For each subsequent round, everyone moved down a place, until you eventually rotated back up to the top.This way the younger ones had a chance at the “good stuff”. It worked out well and this is in a family that doesn’t always agree.
" First her kids got to go through it and then it got circulated through the grandkids. It was a little sad to see some of my cousins choosing dozens of items before all of us had a chance to even see the list " Grandma should have planned this out a bit better and let each cousin choose a certain number of items at a time.
I’m having a hard time with my father’s watches. He had 2 that he kept. I stopped by the clock shop and the owner gave me an estimate for a cleaning and tuning. Waaaaay more than I’m willing to spend on two items I’m not very attached to.
One way I’ve seen done…after the last parent dies.
Siblings all come.
First out...you have to take ANYTHING you gave the parents. If you want to give to a sibling, fine...but anything you contributed to the stuff is now yours to deal with.
Then...you go one by one...oldest to youngest. Repeat, repeat, repeat until all is taken or accounted for...or no one wants anything else! Siblings are able to pass on their turn.
Everything left is either sold to an estate person for a lump sum, given away, donated, or maybe a tag sale is held.
Get a dumpster...because there will be plenty that can go in there.
Get a really good shredder or two. We went through FIVE of those shredding documents my mom thought were important. They were not...but they had her SS number on them...think 30 years worth of tax returns, medical bills, etc.
I sympathize with Thumper’s H.
So much depends on your family and how they interact and how sentimental they are about stuff. And how large a family you’ve got. I’m sure that’s a ton harder.
I think there is ONE dish that I want out of everything in the parent’s china cabinet (and it’s packed).
The rest doesn’t matter to me.
In my case it’ll be okay if sis took it as long as I knew it wasn’t going to be sold,
I don’t necessarily think it’s a good thing to divvy up stuff prior death. I do think it’s worth finding out if anyone may want it before it gets sold at a random garage sale. So tags etc are nice if not binding.
When siblings and I got together to divide up stuff after our mother died, (father had died some time before) one of my sisters said she wanted a crystal decanter. I said, “no, that’s mine. I gave it to Mother and I’m taking my presents home with me.” Another sister looked around the room and observed, “you gave them some really nice gifts!” That was true, and I always had a whole lot less money than my siblings. They could have argued the point, since clearly gifts become part of the estate, but I think they were too embarrassed at that point. None of them wanted their own gifts back; those were in the Goodwill pile. My gifts had a sentimental value to me. I didn’t take anything at all but my gifts from my parents’ estate, and in the end, I didn’t end up taking all the gifts; some are at my siblings’ houses.
I had a friend with 5 siblings and a very contentious relationship between them. They did the auction thing, I believe they took the amount of cash that could be available to be divided from the parent’s accounts and gave monopoly money to each, 1/6th of the cash. So if there was $60k in cash, they each got $10k.
They actually had someone act as an auctioneer and it went ok, not great, but ok. My friend really wanted Mom’s wedding ring and believes that her enemy sister deliberately bid it up. I do think it is possible that the enemy sister also wanted the ring.
My mother took off her rings and gave them to me when my father died. I had never expressed any interest at all,and didn’t even particularly want them except for the fact she really wanted me to have them. To be sure no one fussed, at the same time she gave the sister who wanted the decanter a brand new fancy diamond tennis bracelet, something sis had been wanting for a while.
I’ve promised myself I won’t get into any tussles with my siblings over material possessions when the time comes for my parents. It’s just not worth it to me for items that are just STUFF. I refuse to be that person and I know that at least with one sibling there is the risk it could go in that direction.
When I was in my 20s, my maternal grandparents died within months of each other. The other part of the family lived closer and by the time we arrived for the funeral after the second death, they had already pretty much taken the items they wanted. My cousins, also young adults, took things like used cars, tvs, and the like - stuff junked within years. I just did an internal eyeroll and was happy to know I could have my grandmother’s recipe box, her rolling pin, baking pans, framed crewel work that she made. These items remind me of her talents and, although worthless monetarily, they are all items I still have, use, and cherish while thinking of her when I do.
When my mom died, I became the Keeper of Memories.
All those family pictures? They came home with me and I organized them into photo albums. The really old ones I made copies of for my sister and brother. The documents from when both my grandfathers fought in the Italian army during World War I and II? I have them, but made copies, too. Citizenship papers written in Italian, the high school yearbook from when my quiet dad had the lead in the senior play (!), they are all here and even though I don’t have them on display, I like knowing I can look through them.
Do you know what I really wish I’d done? Talked to my mom more about the family history. Between my sister and I we can piece together a lot of it, and who is related to who. But I wish I’d set up a video camera and just got my mom talking more about what it was like as a 14-year-old coming over on the boat (literally), and other things.
I make sure I share family stories with my kids, while I can still remember them lol.
Not that making post-death distribution easier was the motivator, but having only one child simplifies this process immensely. One more reason for birth control…
"Do you know what I really wish I’d done? Talked to my mom more about the family history. "
I started recording my mom before she died just using my phone. She’d start on old stories and I’d start recording. So glad I did. Not only do I have the stories, I have her telling them.
I did recently come up with a compromise. When FIL died we got a very large family portrait circa 1970 with about a" very ornate frame. It’s over 3’ wide. The idea at the time was to have it travel to each of the kids - so I figured it would be hung in our home briefly before moving on. (the family is not close - not much lost love between DH and some siblings but it is the only picture of them all together with their parents and DH is sappy like this). It’s been years and I want to modernize the wall where it’s hanging. I took some pictures of it with my good camera, edited it to black and white and had it put on a canvas frame similar to our kids senior portraits. It’s smaller now, not so obviously dated because it’s B/W and will fit in an area of our home where we have a gallery of black and whites from our grand and great grandparents. Now if he approves of his Valentines Day present we can let go of it and let another sibling “enjoy” it.
@threebeans Taking a picture of an old picture/portrait is a great idea! There is one particular portrait of my great-great grandparents which is in the home of a distant cousin, and she was kind enough to take a picture of it and email it to me. With a little editing, it turned out quite well and can now be easily shared with anyone who wants it.
