It is so true that our kids learn what they watch us do. You and your H are living examples of the love you want them to share and spread in the world rather then the selfish people who only cared for your uncle when there was money or material benefits to be had. People like you, @bevhills, are how our world becomes and remains a good place.
You are a class act, as many of us have known for years. Wishing you an easy wrap-up to this situation. I’m interested that one doesn’t have to file probate if the estate has no assets.
I also send my condolences along with my admiration for your ability to deal with difficult family members. You are indeed a class act and a good person.
Thank you. …so why do I feel so crappy when the charge nurse tells me that if I look around I might find someone to do a funeral/burial for around$5,000? I
This might be a time then to decide how much you want to help. $5000 doesn’t sound like that much these days to give someone a proper send off. Cremation should be cheaper. My sister actually gave $500 to the family of our mom’s caregiver when the caregiver died very suddenly. It was enough to help get her body released to a funeral home from the morgue. I gave the family $100. We don’t regret helping get that done and this was not a family member. Sorry for your loss.
Bevhills, I am understanding you to say you feel crappy to give him a cheapish funeral. What about taking the money you would normally spend on a funeral and donating it to a charity of your choice, maybe in his honor, instead? Can you dispense with a funeral altogether? Is it necessary to your nuclear family?
So very sorry for all you have been through.
Yes, I am unclear about what you mean and the financial issues.
Financial issues: During the last 10 years we (Mr. Ellebud and I) have fed and clothed him and gave him a home in our house. I was ill at that time so after 3 years we told him that’s was too much for me to handle. He refused to go to the Jewish home (free) and he decided to go elsewhere…we paid for much of it through charity donations. We’re done. We did for him in life.
I did call a distant cousin (3rd cousin) to me and she said that she was sorry. But she’s done. If I get into more stuff…and yes, we gave the staff at the facility where he lived presents for every Christmas (Chanukah) and birthday.
“Services will be private” is a helpful phrase.
YESS!!!
I agree totally with the “services will be private” and I like alh’s suggestion of a donation to a charity if you want to do “something.” Not every family needs or wants a “send off” and we have historically, on my side of the family, not had a "send off’ and it has nothing to do with the cost. In my neck of the woods, a funeral director to handle all the paperwork, dealing with the cremation or whatever, arranging for the grave marker if desired, dealing with the cemetery, dealing with the county for death certificates, placing the notices, all of that runs under $5000.
$5000 sounds conservative but doable The funeral home and cemetery will get you for everything.
“Services will be private” is an excellent suggestion.
If your religion does not prohibit cremation, could you purchase the least expensive cremation possible and dispose of the ashes yourself as you see fit at a later date? Googling suggests that a simple cremation would be under $1,000, but perhaps this is not accurate.
Having funded your uncle’s expenses while he was alive was extremely generous and charitable. Please don’t worry about other people’s expectations at this point regarding funerals and the like. If someone else wants to host a memorial gathering or step forward to pay for a fancy casket, so be it. But that’s probably not going to happen, since it was YOU and your husband who stepped forward and took on the substantial financial demands while uncle was alive. And other complications, too; isn’t this the uncle who wanted to keep driving?
You could consider donating his body to a medical school. You could still have a private ceremony or memorial service if desired. Or not…
I meant to add that as someone who benefitted from human anatomy lab I consider this a profound and generous gift.
Zip…you are good. Yes, this is the uncle who insisted on driving well into his 90s.
Donating his body to science would have been a good solution as the academic med center pays for the cremation which means your brother has to make a productive contribution after all ! But unfortunately I think the donation has to be made before or right after the time of death.
Good wishes for you in honoring your mother.