<p>Hi, I am a long time reader since oldest son was a jr in hs; he graduated college this past spring, so I know you all have a lot of helpful advice. Tonite is dh’s holiday party and I just panicked thinking about what to say to one of his coworkers who is battling ovarian cancer. My mother died from it, I have a cousin battling, and I myself have had my ovaries removed so I know what a terrible disease this is. I am also very introverted and am always nervous about what to say at these events anyways-you know, I feel I need to make a good impression since dh is the boss. This woman is a wonderful person-extremely smart but also very sweet, kind and thoughtful. I think about her and pray for her often, but I really don’t know her well enough (I see these people only once or twice a year) to know whether she would like to talk about it or not. We are also of different religions-if that matters-I am Christian and she is Jewish. Help!</p>
<p>We are in the same boat, with H’s coworker battling cancer. He may not even come to the party. So sad. I guess if I see the wife, I will ask how she is doing, and see if she wants to talk about it, or other things. I hope they are able to make it.</p>
<p>I’ve never had cancer myself, but I imagine she doesn’t want to be reminded by every person she meets that she has cancer. I would just say hello how are you like you would to anyone else and follow her lead on whether or not to talk about it. She might want to talk about it, or she might just want to be herself that evening and not herself: the cancer patient. It seems safest to let her set the parameters and just follow her lead.</p>
<p>Thanks Emaheevul07, that is how I would like people to handle it if it were me, but I wasn’t sure if others might find it uncaring in any way.</p>
<p>I agree with Ema. If I were battling cancer, the last thing I would want to do is to discuss it with an acquaintance at a holiday party, especially a work-related one. There are other, similar situations - for example, someone who has lost a spouse since the last time you’ve seen them. I like to handle this by sending a short note as soon as I hear about the death, diagnosis, etc., just to say that I am thinking of the person and to offer help. Then, there is no need to mention the difficult subject at the next social interaction.</p>
<p>I’d suggest you say hello, it’s great to see you, and leave out the “how are you.” Express your pleasure at being in her company. You could even say something about how although you only see her once or twice a year, you think of her often, if the moment seems right. You could ask her about something in her life other than the cancer, you know, what are your kids up to these days, or, I think it is so interesting that this year was the first Thanksgiving/Chanukah, did your family do anything special to blend the two? If she brings it up, then you can talk about it. Without, needless to say, telling her that your mother died of it… Be warm, be there, concentrate on her rather than your own nervousness. :)</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>Do not talk about people you know who died from the disease. No one wants to feel like people are putting her into an early grave.</p>
<p>Now, this could just be a personal issue of mine - other people may disagree - but parties are supposed to be FUN. You are not there to have other people dissect your life, health, job, or talents. (Obviously, if you figure out in the course of conversation that you can provide a business or whatever contact for someone, then swap cards, but really, you’re there to have fun.) </p>
<p>Ovarian is deadly. This could be this lady’s very last Christmas. (She is Jewish, but it’s still a fun holiday season for a lot of people.) Do you think she wants to spend it talking to near-strangers about the end of her life, or do you think she wants to spend it talking about the kids, grandkids, Amazon.com drone delivery of presents, and her hobbies? If she mentions her illness, tell her that she’s in your thoughts and prayers and to let you know if you can help, but go back to talking about what she wants to talk about.</p>
<p>Of course I would not tell her that my mother died of it, she probably already knows that anyways since she was working there when it happened. I just included that info so you guys would know how I understand the situation. Consolation, I really like your advice. I was worried about whether to say “you look great” or “how are you”-the general stuff I usually say when I first start talking to anyone. I also like the Thanksgiving/Chanukah idea! I come from the midwest and never had much exposure to the Jewish faith but I am always interested in traditions and religions other than my own. (My younger son attends college in Amish country and I am interested in that as well) Thank you so much!</p>
<p>I have Stage IV cancer. If I go to a party, I just want to talk about the kids, the weather, the latest Coen Brothers movie, anything except my cancer. I am the same person I was before I got my diagnosis. If I want to talk about my cancer with people, I turn to my support groups or closest friends/family. Just treat me like everyone else at the party.</p>
<p>“So, do your kids like algebra? My son hates it, but my daughter thinks it’s cool.”
“This weather is making me crazy!”
“Do you still have that cute poodle? I loved meeting her last year.”
“Did you have a turkey menorah? My friend thought about getting one, but it would only work for one year, so she didn’t.”</p>
<p>It truly depends on how well you know the person. Examples:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>The mother of a child’s classmate died after being misdiagnosed. We tiptoed around it. We’d talk about how the kids were doing because, to be blunt, she was so sad knowing she would not be there to see their lives. Never discussed her illness.</p></li>
<li><p>Old friend died in the hospital. Kissed her forehead and said I’ll miss you. There really isn’t much you can say. I would never, ever say “You’re going to a better place” or other stuff because I knew her. See?</p></li>
<li><p>Maybe most to the point, a dear friend died earlier this year when cancer came back after she was 5 years clear. When I head this, my first words to her was, “Wow, that sucks.” She laughed and she thanked me because so many people were tip-toeing around it or saying, “But you were clear” and the like. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>So it completely depends. To me, the main thing is this is a person. Who happens to have cancer. But first and foremost a person and you relate to the person not a condition. I’d say the same thing about talking to a blind person or someone in a wheel chair or whatever: you relate to the person and whatever comes up, comes up.</p>
<p>I am dealing with several diseases. Three cancers (in remission), Parkinsons and one other thing. I have noticed that several of my husband’s partners (generally the wives) have said to me, “How are you?”. Seems benign, but they were waiting to see if I was going to share.</p>
<p>One of the wives has a brother who is in his 80s with Parkinsons. She specifically came to the last event. I went to her and said thank you because her brother was willing to share his information and contacts. I just whispered in her ear a thank you and I hope that he is doing better.</p>
<p>On the other hand, another partner’s wife (breast cancer) survived 10 developed lung cancer. It came out of space…last Christmas she was at the party. Her husband put an invisible wall around her. Their whole family went to Europe for 2 weeks. Then she died. They didn’t want to talk about the cancer. I just asked about the trip. So did everyone.</p>
<p>My husband has Stage IV cancer. I agree with Consolation–be friendly, be kind, leave out cancer unless she brings it up (and if she does, just listen and simply wish her the best). “How are you?” is best for family and friends you know well, or situations where there is time for the question, since a simple “fine” is probably not the answer. Don’t worry about saying the perfect thing; as long as you don’t avoid her (which I know you don’t plan to do) you’ll be fine. </p>
<p>This advice works for spouses of cancer patients, too–I don’t want “How is H doing?” questions from acquaintances, either. I want to party!</p>
<p>Must you say anything about the cancer? It’s a party!</p>
<p>So, how did it go?</p>
<p>Hi everyone, again thanks for all the suggestions. Apparently at the office on Friday the company holds a meeting where every employee speaks and reflects on how they think their year went. DH said that when she spoke, she thanked everyone for their support and said if anyone wanted to ask her how she was doing she would not mind talking about it. What a strong and amazing woman! But I did not feel that I know her well enough to ask her about it so although I spoke with her and her husband for awhile, I kept it focused on the kids, their thanksgiving, etc. Thanks again for the advice, it made it a little easier.</p>