<p>A co-worker who retired about 6 months ago was just diagnosed with a inoperable brain tumor. The doctor gave her 1 year to live. The human resource office is providing cards for people who would like to send her a note. I want to send one, but I really have no idea what to say. Can someone help me find something more than “I am thinking of you”?</p>
<p>Find a blank card and say something meaningful, there is no right thing, just acknowledge that this must be a hard time, and that you are thinking of them(and their family). If you are close enough offer some support re meals, driving, hanging out, help with chores or shopping; if not prayers(if you are a praying kind of person) are always a good thing. No one really knows when their end point is. A terminal diagnosis just puts it more in front of you. As Bob Dylan said ‘He who isn’t being born is busy dying’ .
BTW I am hanging in there with a Stage IV cancer, so I am speaking from the other side of this.</p>
<p>Let her know that she’s in your thoughts and prayers (if you’re a praying person). If she has touched your life in any good special way – even if the ways are small – also let her know about that even if it was something like how her smile, laugh or presence provided cheer to you on a bleak day. It’s a comfort to most people to know that their life has been meaningful to someone else.</p>
<p>I wrote this kind of note to one of my friends who was dying, and her husband told me that it meant so much to her that she asked him to repeatedly read it to her.</p>
<p>Yesshecan, would you care to tell us what NOT to say? Lots of people say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing.</p>
<p>“What would you like me to do? I can cook a meal once a week, or take you out to dinner once every two weeks, or come and clean the toilet on Tuesdays.”</p>
<p>Tell her that you were saddened to hear of her diagnosis. Let her know that although you don’t know what she is going through right now that she is in your thoughts. </p>
<p>Depending on how well you know her offer something specific - e.g., I go by the Farmer’s Market (or bake bread, or run to Target) every X and would like to drop a few things off for you the next time I go. The ask if that would be OK? This strategy allows you a venue for touching base with her and supporting her without the burden of her having to entertain you.</p>
<p>yesshecan, good luck to you.</p>
<p>I have more experience with this now than when I was younger. I guess I know a lot more “older” people now but it seems every time I turn around someone else has been diagnosed with a terminal or potentially terminal disease.</p>
<p>You’re not gone until you’re gone, so I would focus on being helpful and positive. In my experience, short-term terminal people don’t sit around crying “woe is me” any more than long-term terminal people (that’s most of the rest of us. As far as I know.)</p>
<p>Look at Ted Kennedy, Patrick Swayze, or my friends S<strong><em>, J</em></strong>, and R___. The idea is to keep on living as full a life as possible until the end. Friends can help in so many ways, as enumerated above by other posters.</p>
<p>How about “Let’s go to dinner and a movie, my treat; how’s next Friday night? I’d love to see you.”?</p>
<p>“How about “Let’s go to dinner and a movie, my treat; how’s next Friday night? I’d love to see you.”?”</p>
<p>Good idea. She’s not dead yet. If she has been a friend of yours, she probably would be happy to see you. The fact that she has let your company know of her illness and prognosis indicates that she would be interested in hearing from and seeing people from your firm.</p>
<p>Then, when you go out, be open to whatever she wants to talk about. She may or may not want to talk about her disease. If she does, she may be very willing to talk about the fact that she’s expected to die soon, and she may be comfortable using the word “die.”</p>
<p>One of the nicest dinners I ever had was with my younger S, who then was 16, and my best friend, who had recently been diagnosed with the lung cancer that would kill her less than 2 years later. </p>
<p>We talked about lots of things – from current events to old memories to her feelings about death and illness. We also laughed. It is a memory that I’ll always treasure.</p>
<p>I saved all the cards and letters written to my mom when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. The ones that meant the most to her were the ones recounting stories…as in “remember when” and especially those that had a humorous bent. Rereading them it’s amazing how maudlin some were. </p>
<p>Like Northstarmom, a very good friend of my mom came all the way from Australia to visit. She said she wanted to see her alive and while she was still alert and aware. We (friend, mom, my D and I) went to Cheesecake Factory, sat on the patio by the ocean (So Cal), ate, laughed, and celebrated the 40 year friendship of these 2 women. At one point the server came over and asked if we were celebrating a milestone birthday because we seemed to be having “a great time” - My mom looked at her and said, “no birthday dear, I’m dying, that’s all.” We all chimed in that THIS was how we wanted to celebrate my mother’s life, and the server threw her arms around my mom and said “I wish my mom had been like you!” - Later the server and what seemed to be every worker in the place brought 4 desserts to the table and sang “Happy Trails to You” - I think this gathering helped my D deal with her grandmother’s death better than anything.</p>
<p>You know your coworker, do what you feel is right, write what is in your heart (but please, PLEASE, don’t be maudlin), and don’t just offer…DO take her out, or bring a meal to share right then and there.</p>
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<p><em>chills</em>. Wow. That is a <em>fantastic</em> story, and I’m having a hard time expressing how heartwarming that is for me, and how much it reminds me of what my own grandmother would have wanted. I hope I end up with the grace and love of life that your mom had, that the server had, that you all had. (And what presence of mind–“Happy Trails” is just the perfect song.)</p>
<p>aibarr - after our lunch, I had sent an e-mail to our family (spread out worldwide) and every single one expressed something similar to your sentiment.</p>
<p>Thank you.</p>
<p>Perfect Owlice! My friend who is dying wants more than anything to just go out and have a nice time when she’s feeling up to it. When she was very ill, I’d send her the silliest cards I could find. She doesn’t need me to make her cry; she needs me to make her laugh.</p>
<p>I refer to a book titled, “How to Say It” by Roslie Maggio. It helps me sometimes but quite frankly the suggestions you have been given are far better.</p>
<p>Missypie- I guess the thing not to say is, ‘I heard about this person with this miracle cure’ or ‘doctors can be wrong, this person I heard of…’ its a kind of denial of reality. Things happen. Things we can’t control. When the spirit of life is engaged and enjoyed in the moment its the best gift. Whether its a meal, a card, a laugh over memories, or the creation of new memories, its embracing life . When I dropped off my daughter for her freshman year, cancer was off the table. We were a mom and daughter enjoying all the shopping, move in moments, little exchnges, and that hug good bye. Cancer is part of our reality, but does not define our relationship. That has been formed over all the years past.
Its the same with friends. I don’t want this illness to define our relationship, or who I am as a person. So don’t pull back and become different than the person you have been. Keep it real.
dstark- thanks!</p>
<p>If it were me, I would want to know that you were there to be there to support me through good times - and bad. I would also really, really want to be distracted, so I didn’t find myself feeling sorry for myself. </p>
<p>Which means, I would want to laugh. I would send my friend notes talking about anecdotes that made me look back on our friendship together that were funny, or meaningful, without getting into morose.</p>
<p>If you have/had the type of relationship where it would have been normal to say it, I think it is OK to briefly say “Wow. This sucks!” or some other comment along with all the other upbeat suggestions here. You know, acknowledge that elephant in the middle of the room, then move on.</p>
<p>But this works only if the two of you are on those kinds of terms already.</p>
<p>yeshecan, just wanted to give you and the OP’s friend my warmest thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>jdplus3 … one of my HS friends was recently diagnosed with Stage IV brain cancer… same cancer as Ted Kennedy… several of us from our old HS days had a conf call and we asked her what she wanted… she said laughs… and some chocolate… and material as she is making a quilt… we are bringing her back home over Thanksgiving to spend time with her kids and their families… and then a couple of days with us girls… I think we all feel better because we are doing something… and because we didn’t know what to do we asked … which is exactly what you are doing here…</p>
<p>anyone with a terminal illness can die slowly… or unexpectedly from something else… I have a good friend who was given 6 weeks to live over three years ago… </p>
<p>I think the sad thing for this coworker is that they retired only 6 mos ago… that makes me realize once again that life is for living… perhaps offer your former co-worker some of your time… listen to them… watch for silly things in the news etc and call and laugh about them… bring over a cake or find out their favorite ice cream and take that? I have made some music CD’s for my high school friend… sent along a favorite movie and what have you…</p>
<p>the very fact you are asking says you care and want to engage on some level… wishing you peace of mind…</p>