<p>I feel the pain of the OP. D1 is a virtual calm ocean of unbroken A’s on her vast transcript of AP courses. D2, who every standardized test puts on an equal if not higher level than D1, gets “scattered” grades - 100s on tests, then C’s on homework, and B+ grades on the report card. I’ve tried just about everything I can think of to get her to up her game - calm reasoned talks about how the transcript is the single most important factor in college admissions, incentives ("If you pull this up to a 3.8 we’ll get you a new cell phone), punative action ("If this gpa stays a 3.5 then no more trips to j.crew) and occasionally in my really bad moments – some yelling. But nothing seems to change her performance. I’m starting to accept it and I feel like I’m letting HER down by accepting it. I feel as if I owe it to her to pull out her best possible performance. But I just can’t figure out the magic words to say. I’m reaching the conclusion that this just isn’t in my control and doesn’t reflect on me. It makes me sad - I feel as if I’m abandoning her in some strange way . . .</p>
<p>Hmmm, I just about screamed when I was collecting laundry in D’s room and found pages of doodles (on the expensive graphing paper I bought for her class), next to the SAT study guide, which has been untouched. I know she needs downtime, everyone does, but the test date will be here before she knows it!</p>
<p>My S2 drives me to screaming (mostly in my head) on a regular basis. I’m always asking how things are going, what went on in sch., etc. He usually tells me everything is fine and yet we get a bad progress report or a note from the teacher citing “lack of motivation” and missing assignments. After all these years he still thinks missing a few homework assignments won’t matter that much…arrgh. His answer is… “Don’t worry, I’m handling it. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would get upset!”… Which makes me want to scream all the more! </p>
<p>He is a senior and at this point I am trying to let go and let him Captain his own ship. He has been accepted to the college he wants to attend and so he knows what’s at stake if he goofs up too much. I’m about to bite my tongue off in the process however,lol.</p>
<p>Update,</p>
<p>last night we had another long talk and I told him flat out, that I have no intention of going away to college with him and it was time for him to not just say yeah I know. I also said part of being an adult is admitting when you have failed yourself and others in your actions. We also have saved money for college and I am happy to pay, but he understands that he will have to get a GSL. There is a caveat here, pull a 3.0 and I’ll pay it, if not it is on his dime. We also explained that he can lose scholarships due to his grades, that they won’t want to hear excuses.</p>
<p>Packmom I am with you, I’ll probably be a mute by the time they all graduate…maybe that’s why our parents would stutter when they were mad at us, but I actually believe it is more like what Bill Cosby said…we censor the swear words out as we are ranting which makes us look like morons. LOL</p>
<p>Hi bulletandpima, I assume from your previous posts the 16 year old is the middle child? Sometimes having a closer, older sib who is often in the spotlight makes it easier for the middle child to “forget stuff.” I am also assuming your oldest is the one who is hopeful to attend one of the SA?</p>
<p>I have one currently attending a SA and another who also applied to all three and know from their experiences’ it was VERY time-consuming and required lots of energy on their part and the rest of the family unlike applying to only civilian schools. Throw in some ROTC scholies and it is havoc.</p>
<p>As a single mom with 5 kiddos (all close in age, all high school and college age AT THE SAME TIME) I know the chaos that can ensue. We have the same MOCs as you and remember the accolades that came with LOAs, noms and appointments. The younger ones sat in awe that at times was more than a little overwhelming.</p>
<p>And not all five of mine were comfortable “going away” to college. My oldest, the most independent and responsible went away for one year and truly despised the experience (loved her school though) and transfered home. The others love being away (2500+ miles) and range from adoring their school to “it’s not a bed of roses!” mentality.</p>
<p>I have/had similar expectations as a parent with regards to their academic life, its their job and if they fail, THEY fail. If they succeed they know they did it. I would say I am a hybrid of the helicopter parent and the “leave in the snow at age 18” parent. (Only my kittens would say it was age FIVE!!!)</p>
<p>But most importantly they have grown up with the daily expectation that to whom much has been given, much, VERY MUCH is expected.</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>Sometimes we lose it…we try to be perfect parents and use intelligent modern day methods to motivate our kids…sometimes it doesn’t work and the tried and tested screaming is the only way to let the frustration out…One out of three of my kids is the sweetest most even tempered but LAZY child to whom the words I don’t care if you fail as long as you tried your hardest mean absolutely nothing…he is improving by leaps and bounds compared to earlier years but we have run out of years…he is a high school senior now…I think (hope) maturity will click in and so we are looking forward to college and who knows what!!! I so know what you are talking about.</p>
<p>My S got accepted to college (class of 2011) with a level of merit $$ that fit within what I told him up-front he needed to bring to the table to go private rather than state school. We didn’t fight over grades, conduct or his future as a child through HS graduate.</p>
<p>I asked him about this thread because we never had the scream-fest, tug-a-war that some have related.</p>
<p>He said, if parents yell, kids tune it out and take it for the PARENT’S worries, fears etc. coming out. In otherwords, shrieking and screaming doesn’t get through and is the parent freaking out over their “boogies” worry, guilt etc.</p>
<p>I asked him what did work. He said that he always knew what we expected of him (apply himself) and that we weren’t going to micro-manage his “job” (school), so he knew that he had to remember stuff and get it done. He said that he also knew that we stuck by our few rules, so he either kept within the rules or suffered the consequenses.</p>
<p>Then he said something that almost brought me to tears. He said that he knew we cared but trusted him enough to let him do it his way, even if it meant he stumbled on occassion. He said we had always just applied the rules and had never attempted to make him feel bad or guilty when he came up short. </p>
<p>He said that trust (including that he could right the ship) was way different than the way most of his friends reported their parents acted. </p>
<p>BTY–I don’t get grade reports from his college. And, I didn’t ask him his grades when he came home at X-mas. Why? Because we had discussed before he selected a school that I wasn’t going to pay any more than the difference between the merit $$ and the cost to the school, so he had to keep his scholarships (i.e., make the grade requirement to keep them) or he had to fund the loss $$.</p>
<p>He left yesterday to go skiing for a week (on his money) then to return to his home at college. As he was leaving, I said “good luck” for this next semester. He said that he thought he would make dean’s list. See, trust them and they will find their way. Yelling and screaming gets you nowhere.</p>
<h2>Thing that makes me scream is Business Warehouse and SAP and how my employer and Accenture have decimated our data and made it inaccessible to us. </h2>
<p>As far as life in general, my son has heard me say more times than he cares to remember:</p>
<p>failing to plan is planning to fail</p>
<p>A nice all purpose quote that applies to alot of things.</p>
<p>Yesterday, my son did make (on his own for the first time) a dentist appointment to get 2 cavities filled in NYC. I supplied him with the list of approved doctors, xrays, teeth # to fix, $ to pay doctor, insurance cards, prepaid envelope to mail receipt back to me (I have a flexible spending account to get it reimbursed).</p>
<p>This will be the first time in his life he has gone to any medical appointment alone (without me)</p>
<p>I see inklings of an adult emerging. He’s living in the dorm over break so he can work full time and his first semester gpa was 3.675 so I’m not complaining. </p>
<p>Now if he doesn’t do the paperwork for these 2 scholarships I want him to try for, I will be ****ed.</p>
<p>Never screamed at kids. However, lose it all the time with H. But, sigh, everyone does.</p>
<p>Would have had to lose it with DS if he had not been (finally!) diagnosed with ADD. Days on and off medication can make 30 point differences on math tests (BTW off medication he thinks he’s aced the test when he gets a 70; on medication he’s nervous afterwards and gets a 95.) The medication finally made it possible for him to remember all his assignments.</p>
<p>Then we had all the other boys calling every night for assignments.</p>
<p>As a teacher I can tell you that kids have this incredible sense of optimism (denial?) that they can bring the grade up before report cards come out so there’s really no need to upset their parents and get themselves in hot water unnecessarily.</p>
<p>I can understand your frustration. It might be helpful (or it might not) to have a talk about what went wrong and what could have been done differently. In other words, what is the specific problem? Is it a particular kind of quiz a teacher gives? Is the kid not asking for help when he/she doesn’t understand something? Stuff like that. Can your kid brainstorm and figure out a plan to try to overcome the difficulty? Learning to identify what isn’t working is an important life skill as is learning to recognize the warning signs of when things are going south and taking steps to self-correct before the situation is out of hand. Maybe schedule a conference with the teacher and include the kid and brainstorm some solutions. Sometimes those conferences are eye-opening.</p>
<p>Here’s a picture of me from last week when ADD Son left textbooks at school for the fourth day in a row:
<a href=“Random Musings and Mutterings of a Chaotic and Curmudgeonly Soul: Image”>Random Musings and Mutterings of a Chaotic and Curmudgeonly Soul: Image;
<p>I’ve (mostly) figured out that teenaged brains’ filtering devices go into high alert in direct proportion to the decibel level of their mother’s voices…their brains translate the more “agitated” words coming out as “yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah”. You can tell by the glassy glaze that covers their eyes.</p>
<p>(It still doesn’t keep me from losing it every once in a while, but I realize it’s more for my release than getting them to listen to what I say)…</p>
<p>Have I ever lost it? Absolutely!! Do my kids know I love them, support them, and expect ONLY their best (no more, no less)? Yes. We parents are trying hard to raise our kids to be responsible adults. When my S was in 3rd grade, he had a research report to do. He was absolutely prepared to do everything required of him, and the rubric was clear. He simply didn’t want to do it. He announced that he was responsible for himself, and that if he chose not to do it, that was his choice & he could live with the consequences. He was in THIRD GRADE!!! I told him that he was not prepared to make such a choice at his age, but he held fast to his choice. So … I told him that obviously, he was ready to live on his own … didn’t need a mom or dad to help him out anymore. I packed his stuff, put it on the porch, and told him good luck. He went outside for awhile, came back in after a couple hours, sat down, and completed his assignment (he got an A). We still have our run-ins from time to time, but at 15, I am giving him a BIT more latitude. However, I do lose it when, from time to time, he slacks off. He does not yet have the maturity 07Dad’s son seems to have had. He still does not see the big picture — I know what he wants down the road, and I have to keep him from wandering too far off that road as he journeys toward his future! When he has trouble understanding that his actions can impact the future he wants, I have to remind him … and sometimes, yeah, I might raise my voice a bit! :)</p>
<p>StickerShock: Too funny!</p>
<p>And so that I don’t seem like a control freak … the kid isn’t looking to get into an ivy league. We’re not talking high pressure here. But if the kid spent his time updating his band’s website for the 100th time instead of studying for his test, anything less than an A irks me. He knows darn well I won’t bother him about grades if he studies. IF!!! If he were to study & get a D, I would ask him what he needs to get back on track. If he doesn’t study & gets a D, I would get upset.</p>
<p>As serious as the conversation is…sticker shock and cake mde me laugh.</p>
<p>I am also glad that I found this site since there is comfort and reality in knowing that from all parts of the globe we all share the same feelings.</p>
<p>Thanks!</p>
<p>Kels, I don’t think you are a control freak at all. As I stated with Halie, our kids don’t realize that we are concerned and we want the best for them…</p>
<p>Side note: when DS was born we were living overseas, I called my mom crying and apologized forever saying I hate you and you don’t love me…she asked where did that come from…it came from looking over at my baby sleeping in his swing and I realized one day he would utter those words to me and I felt my heart break.</p>
<p>I didn’t have hw problems with my son and daughter, but they used to fight A LOT over NOTHING when they were teenagers. Now that they are a little older, they are the best of friends and have even spent vacations together (just the two of them, without us parents there) but it was horrible to live through. Also, my daughter was a very picky eater from infancy (before she was old enough to know what it was that she was eating) through high school, but has now become a very adventurous eater. For better or worse, I gave in to her pickiness and encouraged her to try new things, but did try to serve her food that she did not dislike. </p>
<p>She is now 20 and just returned from a semester abroad. Her latest new thing, which she has said to me several times within the last week, is that she was “spoiled” because I didn’t make her eat whatever I wanted to serve, and that she would never raise a kid like that. And she also remarked on how “bad” she and her brother were when they used to fight all the time. She says that she would never put up with it when she has kids, and I somehow should have made them stop 
So now I am being criticized by my now “grown-up” kid for putting up with all the hassles she gave me when she was younger! I guess you can’t win, so you just have to laugh!!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>For a second I thought WashMom had started posting using someone else’s screen name.</p>