My nephew graduated last year. He is having trouble finding a full time job, so he has strung together 2 part time jobs so he doesn’t have to live at home. His parents are helping with health insurance and his phone, but he is handling rent, groceries, and keeping his car running on his own.
Maybe your parents have tight rules partly to encourage you to get out on your own.
Well, this means that most parents of 22-24 year old kids are stressed and burdened.
I stayed at home for the summer between college and graduate school. I don’t really remember my parents setting out any explicit rules for my conduct or behavior. I don’t remember having a curfew, although there was a kind of tacit agreement that I wouldn’t creep in too late.
My sister lived at home for several years after she graduated from college, and she had far more rules than I did - a set curfew (that was originally very early, although she eventually got it successfully pushed back to 2 am), who she could hang out with and who she couldn’t, how often she had to go to church, etc. She also took 5.5 years to graduate from college, so she was older than most - had just turned 23. The difference, I think, is that she lived at home all through college so it was a bit harder for my parents to regard her as a full adult. When I returned I had spent four years away AND I had a very finite end to my stay because I was starting graduate school. She’s also the youngest and was always treated like the baby. I’m the oldest and was always treated like an adult, even when I wasn’t one.
I do want to make two additional, relevant comments.
One is that being self-supporting is not a good or sufficient measure of adulthood. There’s more to it than that, but there are many adults who cannot support themselves - either because they have disabilities or conditions that preclude it, because they fell on hard times, because they are struggling to find work, because of systemic prejudices, etc. It doesn’t make you not an adult because you have to move in with your family because you can’t afford rent on your own. Multigenerational households are pretty common worldwide, and as long as all parties are fine with it, I don’t see why people should get criticized for it.
Secondly, I see a lot of people comparing the situation of new college graduates today with the rules for new college graduates many years ago, but the situations are not directly comparable. The cost of college and the cost of housing has risen far faster than inflation and real wages in the last 10-20 years, so far larger proportions of new grads’ income will have to go towards their student loans and their rent than would someone who graduated from college in the 1980s. Even a crappy apartment with a couple of roommates and subsisting on ramen is harder now than it was in the 1980s or 1990s. Further, as someone pointed out, BAs are more ubiquitous and finding a well-paying job (not just the one you might want - any) with one is harder than it used to be. And what is working at Target for minimum wage going to do? Even if you could get 40 hours a week at $10/hour (which is $3 above the federal minimum wage), that’s still $1600 a month BEFORE taxes. Even with roommates that’s not the kind of rent that would allow you to live even in most cheap suburbs.
But…why? If an adult’s parents are fine with that adult, say, renting out their basement apartment for far below market rents or living in their old bedroom rent-free until they save up enough for a down payment on a house, a security deposit for a better apartment, or waiting for a better job with a raise that makes living in an apartment affordable…why should they take roommates and ramen - and the potential for financial ruin, because they really can’t afford $700 in rent on a $1600/month salary - if all parties are fine with the alternative? (And what good does it do to then give them a curfew? You give a teenager a curfew because they are less able to make good decisions and there’s lots of trouble to be had after a certain time for a teenager in the heat of adolescence. What point is there in setting a curfew for a 25-year-old just because he lives in a multigenerational household and is potentially struggling with unemployment or underemployment? Spite?)
When I was in college, I once chatted with a friend who was from the Caribbean; we were talking about post-graduation plans. I think I mentioned something about not wanting to be stuck at home after graduation, and she kind of rolled her eyes and said “You Americans. I don’t understand your obsession with getting kicked out so early. Back home in Jamaica, after you graduate from college your parents make a little independent space for you in their home. You move back. You live like an adult, and you save money. Then when you are ready, you buy your own place.” I’d never really thought about it like that, but culturally the U.S. is one of the few places where it’s, for some reason, taboo for young adults to live at home for a spell after college. Even Western Europe doesn’t really have that taboo/culture.
I don’t see what difference this distinction makes.
My older kid never moved back home after graduation. She has been on her own for 5 years now. I see her often. Whenever she comes home, she is treated as a guest. Likewise, when I go to her apartment.
My younger kid is going to live in our apartment after graduation for 2 years because she wants to save money for graduate school. I am also not in the apartment during the week, so it would go to waste if she didn’t live there. We already started conversation on boundary and expectations.
I paid for both of my kids’ college education, and I don’t feel I would act differently even if I didn’t.
OP, there is an old book “See You at the Top” by Zig Ziglar. Get it. Read it. Do it. Zig became an adult right before the Great Depression. A fatalist attitude didn’t get someone too far in those circumstances.
The only person in my family who lived with a parent for more than a few weeks after college graduation was my sister, who moved back in with our dad after a job in another part of the country ended. This was about three years after her college graduation. She stayed at Dad’s house for a couple of years while working and saving up money for graduate school.
There were no rules about what she did outside the house, and she had no curfew.
There were, however, some rules (mostly unspoken) about what she did inside the house. She did not make a mess. She did not make noise late at night. She did bring home friends occasionally, but she did not have guests in the house constantly, she did not have parties, and she did not invite dates to stay overnight. She did have out-of-town friends stay overnight on a couple of occasions, but she asked permission first (after all, it wasn’t her house).
She was never “kicked to the curb.” In fact, she was very welcome and could have stayed indefinitely if she had wanted to. Dad enjoyed having her around – they had a lot of interests in common. He also had a retired older sister living with him, and my sister was good company for the older woman, so her presence in the household was a plus for everyone. Besides, my dad came from a family where young people did not necessarily move out of their parents’ homes after finishing school. Having a grown daughter in the house seemed natural to him. And since he, too, had spent some time living in a parent’s home as an adult, he had a good idea of how grown children and their parents can get along well as housemates.
One more point: In this particular household, I don’t think there was a problem with “chore wars.” The older, retired woman did the housework, and everyone pretty much cooked for themselves.
I am a little surprised at how hard everyone is being on the original poster. I read that 82% of college grads are living at home. I read an interesting book titled “The Boomerang Generation.” This is a worldwide phenomenon. Yes the economy has improved but at least in some part of the country, rents and other expenses are very high, and many students have large loans to pay off. Often first jobs (or even later jobs, for many) don’t pay much, don’t have good benefits, and so on.
Most of the young people I know who graduated, do live at home. They may be more working class than the posters on here. As Juillet said, in many cultures, multi-generational living is the norm, and in the US, it has been the norm in working class families (tv shows sometimes portray this). This extends to the elderly as well.
That said, none of my own kids live at home. I have tried to persuade my youngest to live with me, but she has a job at a dry cleaners 40 hours a week so she can have an apartment with a friend. I feel she would have a better shot at a better job if she had some slack financially: it’s hard to find different work when you are working 40 hours. But I admire her.
To the original poster, please feel fine about living at home if that is what works for you and your parents. As for curfews and rules, that is something each family has to work out. Sometimes a curfew is to help an anxious parent rather control the child, and some other method of reassurance can be worked out. I think it is better to expect mutual respect than legislate it, so I didn’t have explicit rules for my kids when they did come home. Hope that helps and good luck!
p.s. This discussion assumes a home large enough for kids to stay in : ) I have now downgraded from a two bedroom to a one bedroom apartment so if they did come home now, the main rule would be to sleep on the couch! I wish it were otherwise.
[ quote]I read that 82% of college grads are living at home
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Eep! Now I really appreciate those empty rooms…maybe I can rent them out cheap to someone else’s kids and solve everybody’s problem?
My son is living at home while he attends college and my daughter will probably do the same. He’s an adult so he comes and goes as he pleases. When my husband and I go out, we let our children know where we’re going and when we expect to be back. So far, they’re following our example.
We expect everyone who lives here to clean up after themselves and pitch in with the chores whenever they can, but once they reach 18 there aren’t any hard and fast rules about which chores they do or when they do them. We hope our children will act like the mature, respectful, responsible adults we raised them to be.
After they graduate our children are welcome to live here as long as they want. We want them to save as much as they can and be able to choose jobs that will help advance their careers, not just pay the bills. Under normal circumstances, I can’t imagine any rules I’d try to impose upon an adult. If they weren’t working or looking for a job we’d have a conversation and communicate some expectations. If money was tight and we needed them to take over payments for their car insurance and cell phones, we’d have to ask for them to do that. But otherwise, they’re grown people. I hope we raised them well enough that they’ll be able to run their own lives by the time they’re college grads without interference from us. We’ll be happy to offer advice whenever they want it, of course, but they don’t have to take it.
OP, are you a parent of a soon to be college graduate ? Are you already in that situation or are you trying to figure out what the rulesshould be ?
My only non-negotiable rule is ‘get a job.’ It matters not if the job pays little or a lot. Just be employed. Somewhere, anywhere. Show me that you established life goals and you are willing to start at the bottom and do whatever it takes. As far as I’m concerned, after 21-22 years of expensive education, nurturing and many, many episodes of anxiety-ridden “preparing for the real world” talks, you getting a paying job - even if it’s flipping burgers — is meeting me half-way. I can’t do anymore for my kids at age 21-22, than what I’ve already done. I’ve exhausted all I know to do, (nurturing childhood interactions, early & expensive education, extensive and expensive tutoring, lessons & camps, the latest tech gadgets, the trendiest clothes, setting up “activities” where they can meet others their age, coaching/mentoring through life’s difficulties…etc., etc.).
Bottom line: everyone has to work and contribute to society. Kids who have only first-world concerns don’t get a pass on this. Get a job, and the other stuff is totally negotiable – rent, curfew,…etc.
I know many new grads that move back to their parents for the first 6 to 8 months post graduation. Many jobs don’t start until later in the summer/fall, many will save some money first, and figure out the best place to live for commuting purposes. My D will move home for those reasons, her rules will be to clean up after herself, do her laundry and call if she is going to be out later the planned. (because I am always going to be that mom lol)
We will pay for her phone, insurance etc until her job starts then it is all on her.
I think there is a fine line between helping your children get a start in life, and enabling them to not take responsibility for their own. What is the point of a job at Target or anywhere else until you can find something in your field? Seriously? Do people think it better for their college grad to be sitting on the couch endlessly looking for jobs that they may not be qualified for quite yet but aren’t willing to settle for anything less, than at least earning something, anything?
We are raising a nation of kids where many have not worked at ALL until after college graduation. Nothing. No fast food joint, no grocery store, no barista job, nothing. They don’t know how to work. If I am hiring an entry level position for my company, I want the degree. Equally important I want to know that young adult has a work ethic and has done something, anything, even if it is simply being a busboy. Do they know how to work with others? Have a boss? Not be in control? Do what they are told? Quite frankly I won’t interview someone for an internship or a part time summer position at all if they have zero work experience, I don’t care how low it is.
I get that things are expensive. Depending on your city, perhaps frightfully so. Yes, the boomerang thing is real but much of it is parents enabling their children not to be responsible under the guise of “helping” them for selfish reasons, i.e. keeping their kids close. How in the world will these kids learn to handle a layoff later in life, a major financial setback of any sort once they are out on their own if they don’t struggle at some point and learn how do manage under adverse situations? I am not saying I won’t help my kids out but I’d far rather help a bit with rent elsewhere and make them manage the bulk of it on their own than let them live in my house. Living in my house they have no real concept of the cost of groceries, utilities, luxuries like cell phones and internet and and how to manage a budget. I do them no favors by protecting them from it. I’d rather help them with a down payment on a house when they have shown they can support themselves, knowing that they won’t have been able to save much early on.
I live in an expensive city. Rent here, at minimum wage, will be 50% of someones take home pay, or greater. That does not mean it’s not possible. Roommates, compromising on location, taking the bus instead of owning a car, all kinds of things can make living on your own possible. I personally refuse to be a parent with a 24-30 year old living in my house, whining to my friends that I can’t get them out. If I were that young adult, I get it. Why wouldn’t you rather live at little to no rent, no utilities, access to someone else’s food and often cooking? It’s a pretty great deal for the young adult. I just don’t believe it creates a productive one who can then go on to support or contribute to their own family.
Is there a reasonable time frame to let kids move back before kicking them out? Probably. It is different for each family and I freely admit to being in the minority and hard line on this one. What I see, over and over and over, is that “kicking them out” doesn’t happen. It’s a comfortable nest and kids don’t want to leave. Which personally I can’t fathom, I couldn’t wait to be out on my own and in my own space even if that meant I had zero funds to go pay with.
The OP hasn’t said much other than to indicate that they are chafing at some rules imposed and appearing to be looking for endorsement of some sort but I am not sure what and saying that they can’t find a job, any job.
Which I find interesting. If the OP can’t find a job, any job, then they have no funds to spare so why would rules matter? If you have no money to go out, what would a curfew or other rules even keep you from? The OP hasn’t provided enough info for me to endorse whatever it is they are asking for, or to even agree with it. Nor do I agree that parents of 22-24 year olds are necessarily burdened or stressed…unless they choose to be. We have a 23 year old recent graduate very capable of mooching other peoples couches on a consistent basis while he saves up to fund his business. He works 2-3 jobs at a time to save for his venture. Yes, he is mooching. Just not off of us. And hey, more power to him for pulling it off. He contributes to wherever he is crashing for however long he is there. Bottom line is he is motivated, and figuring it out. He does have free storage for his gear at our house but honestly that’s all he needs. And all he asks for. He doesn’t want to be living at home any more than we want him there.
Would I prefer a different path? An entry level job in his field then risking it for a self starting venture and an officially crappy apartment? Sure. Maybe. It’s not my path, it’s his. Everyone has a path, our job as parents is to enable our kids to find it.
I was thinking that the OP was a parent trying to find backup for imposing rules on an adult child living at home after college. My reasoning is that the KID wouldn’t be justifying curfews, etc. if the parent had paid their way through school.
But there’s little to go on. Ultimately, it’s up to each family to decide what works for them. I know a young lady who still lives at home at 27. She works FT and is completely self-supporting, but she and her parents are comfortable with the arrangement. Her sister never lived at home after college and doesn’t even live in the same town. They have a cousin who lived at home all through college, working FT the entire time, then two jobs after college for about 3 years. Then she bought her own house without help from anyone. Whatever works-for them.
As for OP-I would not impose a curfew or limit an adult guest’s interactions with others, so I would not for an adult child. Common sense and respect worked for me and my kids. I’d think rules that treat an adult like a teenager would chafe and drive a kid away, but maybe that is the point.
My parents only had one rule. It was “you can’t live here.” They paid for my degree, so it was up to me to find a job and a place to live. I struggled for a bit (I had blown off going to law school at the last minute, so didn’t have a job or any savings when I got out), but I survived.
For kids who need to live with their parents after graduating, I think reasonable rules are those of courtesy. Call if you’re not going to be home so people don’t worry. Pitch it on the housework, all of it, not just the stuff that benefits you. Ask before borrowing anything, and if you do borrow it, keep it clean and in good shape. Pay for gas if you’re using the car. Shop for groceries for the family. Think of yourself as a member of a community, not just an individual living a separate life in the company of other people. Don’t be an entitled jerk.
Oh, and I forgot this rule: Don’t drink my booze. Go get your own.
It could keep you from spending time at a friend’s home doing things that cost no money, such as playing video games or watching TV. It could also keep you from having sex (which is free if the other person buys the condoms).
Neither of my children moved back home after college, except for a few summer months. Our only “rule” when they were staying for some time is to let us know when they expect to be home if they go out. That way we don’t worry about who is opening and closing the door to the house in the middle of the night.
These days, however, with the ubiquitous cellphone, it’s easy for us to send messages or emails “checking” on things.