What would you do, DD feels guilty?

cangel · October 16, 2004, 10:45am

We are running into some interesting situations in DD's class - it is a very academically competitive class with a number of students sharing similar interests. There are 2 or 3 kids applying to small schools that no one from their school has ever attended, kids applying to larger schools that haven't seen an applicant from her school in >5 years. The high school has an excellent,seasoned college counselor, but the hints I'm getting is that its a challenge this year, and hopefully will be very rewarding for the kids. My daughter is sensitive, and some of these kids she has known since she was 3 - with that background, here's the situation.

Her very favorite safety school offers a scholarship that requires nomination, she would be a potential candidate for this scholarship, as would 2-3 others in her class. She felt bad about asking her counselor to nominate her since this was her safety school (although attending this school is a real possiblity). She was worried someone in the class might have this school as a first or second choice and need the scholarship to attend - she didn't want to "take it away". (I appreciate her caring about her friends, and I'm hoping/praying that everyone gets through this process ecstatic about where they attend.)

I told her, basically, that this was the counselor's job. The GC knows where you stand, where others on the class stand, and who wants to go where. (The GC has also discussed, in general, finances with us, and I presume, with other parents.) She will make a good decision about who, if anyone to nominate. Your part in this is over when you ask to be considered (certainly we're hoping for merit money if she attends this school, but it is not make or break, I can conceive of her actually picking this school over some of her more competitive choices).

She still is bothered by this, my H and I discussed calling the counselor, and just telling her the facts and that our D was feeling guilty, but decided that the GC was wise and understood and that we should leave well enough alone.

What do ya'll think?

marite · October 16, 2004, 11:03am

cangel:

Kudoes to your D! She sounds like a great friend to have. She is not taking anything away from her friends as it is not for her to give. It's for the GC to nominate and for the college to make the decision. The GC needs to nominate the strongest applicant. It not only helps the applicant, but also the school to do so. If the GC does not, in latter years, other applicants may suffer from the perception that the school nominates weak applicants.
As well, the school is a safety for your D. Much as we all hope our children will get into their dream school, we have to be realistic and entertain the possibility that they will be attending their safety school. As long as the school is onw your D likes enough to consider attending, she should take it seriously (and having a scholarship makes it even better!).
So I'm with you on this.

achat · October 16, 2004, 12:07pm

It sounds like you have raised your daughter well. She sounds wonderful for caring about her friends and classmates. She does need safety schools and as you have told her, it is up to the GC.

anovice · October 16, 2004, 12:50pm

I am a student and as much as I think that considering others plans is nice, it is not always in your own best interest. I know of countless numbers of times that I got burned because I was nice to others. Depending on how large the scholarship is, that would depend on how "cut throat" I would be. I have gone up head to head with some of my friends in debates, for scholarships, titles, class positions, etc. I have no problem with it... the world is all about competition and the fittest(smartes) will win.

The guidence counsel should know and if he/she chooses your daughter as the strongest applicant that it was meant to be that way!

destinypath · October 16, 2004, 12:52pm

I think your daughter is doing the honorable and right thing. Sometimes, doing the right thing may look like you get the bad end of the stick, but being honest and true will always pay off in the end.

Let the counselor decide. :-) Kudos to your daughter!

cruella · October 16, 2004, 1:09pm

I agree, let the GC make the decision. I would not worry too much one way or the other, I am sure the GC will choose the most appropriate candidate. That said, I think that deep down inside most people want to be THE one who is picked for whatever. It just feels good. So while it is nice your daughter feels that others may be deserving as well, I bet deep down she wants the honor for herself. To thine own self be true and all that.

cangel · October 16, 2004, 3:27pm

Thanks for the reassurance guys. We will leave well enough alome, I think

kjofkw · October 16, 2004, 4:46pm

cangel: FWIW, my son's counselor asked him if he would like to be nominated for the Byrd scholarship, and for an automatic state scholarship. At the time, he said yes to the state award because he had decided to go to our state school. He also would be eligible for a NM award at the state school, as well as a tuition waiver due to an honors program. He felt he shouldn't hog it all, so he declined the Byrd award feeling he would be asking for too much when the next person in line could probably use it too. As it turned out, at the last minute, he chose a private college out of state (a very expensive one). His state scholarship would no longer apply, this particular private school does not offer any NM awards, and the Byrd was no longer a possibility since he had declined so that someone else would have a chance at it. At the time, he thought he was doing "the right thing", but as it turned out, he ended up with no outside scholarhips (other than what the private school offered)! Our advice: Let the counselor decide. You really don't know what the future will bring anyway.

Northstarmom · October 16, 2004, 5:46pm

I think that you should not call the counselor. I used to be on local, regional and national scholarship committees for scholarships open to any student with an interest in a certain field. One thing that used to tick me off was when some naive counselors would avoid giving the info to very strong students because the counselor would want weak, but more needy, students to receive the scholarship, which was based on merit only.

The students were competing with many students, as even the local scholarship was for a metropolitan area of more than 1 million people. If the counselor prevented the strongest student from applying, more than likely the weak student was not going to get the scholarship. Instead, a strong student from another school would get the scholarship.

In your daughter's case, your daughter needs to remember that the college has such scholarships to attract extremely strong students who otherwise would go elsewhere. These are students like your daughter who might otherwise be viewing the school as only a safety school.

If your daughter refuses to allow the counselor to put her name in, and her friend's names are put in instead, if the schools are only match or reach schools for her friends, they aren't likely to get the scholarship.

Your daughter also may see the school as a safety, but if she got the scholarship or if she is turned down by other schools, that college might be highly desireable.

I know a student who turned down an Ivy for an incredible offer from her safety. The student had excellent internships during her college years (as well as having a full ride). The student now is her college's nominee for a Rhodes Scholarship. Considering the competition at Ivies, even though she's a very strong student, she probably wouldn't have been nominated for a Rhodes if she had attended an Ivy.

Your daughter should keep her options open!

citrusbelt · October 16, 2004, 10:57pm

Many young women have a tremendous capacity for guilt and your DD has nothing to feel guilty about. She asked the GC to be considered for a scholarship. Good for her!
A healthy ego is a delicate balance between empathy/altruism and selfishness. Too much empathy and you sometimes lose out, too much selfishness and you can lead an empty life.

Keep in mind the experience of one of my DD's and many others. She ended up purposefully choosing one of her safety schools over a top school because of a generous scholarship, a couple second visits, a change of mind about what she wanted, what the schools could offer her and that nebulous feeling of fit. She has never once regreted her final choice and neither have we.

In this game all the colleges she applies to should be places where she would be happy to ultimately end up.

As others said, let the guidance counselor decide.

jamimom · October 17, 2004, 7:10pm

I agree with the sentiments of the posters. Hopefully, the GC picks the best candidate; they do not always make the best decision, as some posters observed, which does compromise the school's selection of candidates. An award that is purely merit should nominate the most likely person to win the award. Also the situation in April and May when the decision has to be made can also be very different from what it is in the fall. It is wonderful that your D is thinking of others but to back away from putting her hat in the ring is not the route to go. You cannot second guess these situations with all the different variables that go into the outcome. You just put your best foot forward.

originaloog · October 19, 2004, 2:57pm

Our son was in a similar situation and I will give specifics rather than generalities. His HS can nominate one student as its Rensselaer Medal recipient. The requirement is that the student be among the school's top student in science and math. If the nominee is accepted by and attends RPI, he or she receives a $15k/yr scholarship!

Our son was probably one of the top 5 students in math and science. In addition, RPI was one of his top 2 choices, the other being Oberlin. He knew that he would probably be accepted by both RPI and Oberlin and he knew that he could not afford to attend either unless he got a merit scholarship. His mom is an RPI alum and it offerred an interdisciplinary degree program that interested him. Also, in the past 3 years only one grad from his HS had attended RPI.

With those facts in hand, he asked his GC to put in a "good word" for him with the nominating committee. Like you daughter he was a little reluctant to do that but given the facts he felt that it would not be unfair to his fellow classmates.

Well, he was nominated and he is now a frosh at RPI and super happy with the choice he made. Only one other classmate applied to RPI and he is attending CMU.