What would you do?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thank you all for your heartfelt advice which is very helpful and comforting in thinking through the situation.</p>

<p>My FIL has been stable for three days with the pneumonia and a staph infection. He does have Parkinson’s and is unable to swallow; there are no other medical issues involved at this time. My sister-in-law has many contacts in the medical community and is in the process of getting him moved to a hospice tomorrow; she is also staying with my MIL as long as necessary. As of today DH has learned that the infection is Mercet(?) which is highly aggressive and not very treatable under my FIL’s condition. The info as filtered through relatives seems to indicate a matter of days; only the pneumonia will be treated in the hospice. DH is probably going to fly out tomorrow.</p>

<p>Last night DH had a long conversation with MIL and SIL. I had heard the word cruise so during our later discussion of the call I asked about it. It seems FIL had told MIL that he thought DH should not cancel the cruise and should go on it. DH of course does not even consider it. I then asked DH how he felt if DS and I went and he said as long as we were at the funeral there was no problem; he truly seemed sincere.</p>

<p>So – currently we will just postpone any decision on the cruise since we can cancel up to the last minute. MIL and I have always been oil and water and there is no way I would be an emotional support to her. MIL is also very demanding of my husband so once he does go there he will need all of his time and energy dealing with her. He also plans to sit Shiva for the 7 days and neither expects nor wants our son and me to do that. (FYI at this point I have already given more emotional support than I received when my father died 11 years ago and will continue to give whatever is needed.) </p>

<p>I do recognize the cruise almost certainly will not happen. It was planned based on a combination of timing, cost, availability, and location and is unlikely to be replanned. I also do not yet know if DS would even want to go with just me were that an option. If so, we’ll have to see how circumstances go, how we feel, how family members feel, etc.</p>

<p>Since a funeral would occur with short notice in our religion, and our son is about to start finals then have to move out of the dorm, it will probably be up to me to deal with all of those logistics including the 8 hour drive to college and back, flights from college to DH’s home, etc. (I’ve seen the other thread about finals and grandparents’ funerals; due to the timing I don’t think the finals can be postponed; I’ve discussed this with my husband and have already investigated all the potential timeframes and am prepared to deal with this. Also DS is high maintenance and will need my emotional support to deal with the stress of all the unplanned changes.) The best support I can give my husband will be to get our son to the funeral, and to get him home.</p>

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<p>MRSA - methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus; not suprising considering his weakened immune system.</p>

<p>Quandry - your follow up post offers information that clarifies a lot for me. Had all the members of your in-law side of the family communicated that they need you and expect you to be there, you wouldn’t have even posted this dilemma. I suspected there was more to the story than you were sharing. </p>

<p>I applaud you for even considering postponing the decision. As I mentioned earlier, the timing of the choice will become clear at some point. Take care.</p>

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<p>Quandry - one thing that has been minimized here (at least to me) is the “long anticipated” component of your vacation. If the cruise doesn’t happen because it is supplanted by another stressful event - funeral, set back, need to support family, etc. - then maybe it would be helpful to consider how you can get the benefit of a “vacation” without leaving home. Before your son returns can you schedule a day for yourself at a spa or at home with just a good book? When your son returns can you have time with him to just hang all day long - go to the movies, go to a ball game, sleep in (NO laundry, NO cooking, NO dishes!!!). </p>

<p>Sometimes vacations can be exhausting all by themselves. It seems that maybe you are entitled to, and should start planning, and taking, several vacation days for yourself. Be strong. Just say NO to the housework, the phone and the rest!</p>

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<p>I am in total agreement with terwitt. Each family processes death, grief and family illnesses differently. What works for some does not work for others. No one can tell someone how to handle the situation based on their own experiences. This is between Quandry and her husband. I know my husband so well, If he needed me, he would have no problem telling me so.
There are many family dynamics and long history at play.
It is good that quandry can cancel at the last minute if need be.<br>
The FIL can go back and forth, recover to a level that is stable. There seems to be a lot of family support on the husband’s side. I’ve seen people put their life on hold because of someones lingering death for 5 years. Things like that can hold a person hostage to the point that your own life takes the back burner.<br>
Best wishes to you.</p>