<p>It’s back from October… I’d appreciate any suggestions for improvement.</p>
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<p>Bump, I need some suggestions please.</p>
<p>Bumping again.</p>
<p>wth, i cant even read it. why dont u type it up and paste it on here.</p>
<p>Ouch, that might have been one of the factors that caused my score >_></p>
<p>Anyways, sure, why not.</p>
<p>In our modern world and lifestyle, we are bombarded by the media. Television, movies, and radio are all forms of entertainment we enjoy on a daily basis. However, the main focus of many of these programs is the lives and work of celebrities, while the heroes of our times, those who commit truly great acts, are forgotten. Our society’s obsession with the daily meanderings of those with a gift of beatiful voice or looks is unfair to those who are changing the world. </p>
<p>One event in particular was highly publicized, the arrest of Paris Hilton. She was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol, and sentenced to serve time in prison. For the weeks following, people were discussing this event everywhere. Whether online, on T.V., or in person, it was impossible to escape updates on her situation. The coverage reached a climax when the judge reduced her sentence, possibly for the sole reason that she was a celebrity. However, despite all the attention, people failed to realize that all of this had no effect on their daily lives. Most people will never meet Paris Hilton, and it is unlikely that this knowledge will ever be needed for a useful purpose. This fixation on her situation was a waste of time and resources on society’s part.</p>
<p>In the non-fiction book, Fermat’s Enigma, the author tells the story of Andrew Wiles, a famous mathematician. From a very young age, he was obsessed with a particularly infamous math problem, Fermat’s Last Theorem. For about 300 years, this puzzle had stumped the most famous mathematicians of the times. At the age of twelve, Wiles used his elementary knowledge of math to try to solve the problem. Obviously, he was unsuccessful. However, after failing, he made it his life goal to solve this quandry. Using modern techniques and skills, he eventually proved the theorem in 1990. It is indisputable that he is a hero, his hard work and determination was impressive. But, he does not have the fame he justly deserves. Ask passerbys on the street about Wiles andFermat and they will look at you with confusion. Wiles should be venerated, while society perceives him as “just another nerd.”</p>
<p>While celebrities are honored an bask in fame and fortune, the true heroes of our time remain forgotten.</p>
<p>One last bump</p>
<p>I would say a 10, but perhaps a nine. It was relatively well-developed with only a few errors. Overall pretty good, and I couldn’t see it getting anything under an 8.</p>
<p>yea i agree with the post above</p>
<p>By the way, “passerbys” should be “passers-by”</p>
<p>Some of the weirdest English words -_-;;</p>
<p>i would have given your essay a 6/7 which is less than what others have said</p>
<p>1) it is a little messy and difficult to read which should not in theory be a factor in scoring, but it may as it causes some irritation
2) some good points but a bit wordy and this leads to lack of clarity in developing the points
3) intro and conclusion are lacking punch
4)shorter sentences or at least some variation may be something to consider</p>
<p>it is difficult under time constraints to compose an essay and that topic was, in my opinion, a bit more difficult than others i have seen</p>
<p>i am not trying to trash your essay. i am trying to help and i hope you dont feel i am being harsh</p>
<p>what score did you receive</p>
<p>9ish I agree that sentence variety and being a bit
more concise could push it up a point.</p>
<p>If anyone was wondering it got a 9. However, I retook and got an 11 on the essay, so I’m good.</p>
<p>If I was the reader and I too was sick of that dumb Paris Hilton thing, I would give it a 6 just because you said that.</p>
