<p>Seems like one thing we agree on is never badmouth. NEVER. </p>
<p>If the non-bio person/spouse cannot conceptualize that the spouse’s kids are their kids too, so that any later born bio-kids are just 21st Century siblings, it probably is a warning to not get married to or involved with a divorced person with kids.</p>
<p>Pre-marriage counseling can be of some great assistance for the non-bio person AND for the parent.</p>
<p>I am/was the divorced man with 2 kids; I remarried 19 years ago and had 2 more children. </p>
<p>If I had it to do over again, and I’m not sure that this kind of thing can be planned, but I would have waited for my ex to find a new SO before I did; I think it hurt her pride (and based on our respective physical attractiveness, could have lost oddsmakers quite a bit of money 
) that I found someone else before her. She made the divorce and aftermath much tougher than it needed to be; the lawyers encouraged it. </p>
<p>Although I haven’t spoken to my ex in years, my daughter tells me that in the past year or so ex acknowledges that I was not Satan. That’s too little too late for my son, whose view of me was poisoned. Someone (Judge Judy???) once said :“you have to love your children more than you hate your ex-spouse.” Be prepared to support your new spouse if this becomes a problem. I am generally pretty well balanced and know that I live a very lucky life, but the estrangement of my son is something that pains me daily. I hope to live long enough to have him change his mind about me.</p>
<p>Thank you for all of your responses. Divorce finalized 2 years ago. Ex-wife has custody but fiance’ has visitation. Fiance’ (grad student at the time) could not afford an attorney; ex-wife’s family paid for her attorney. Fiance’ now working full-time as a teacher. Daughter met him 1 year ago; she’s a grad student.</p>
<p>OP, your daughter and the ex-wife will spend more time talking and negotiating with one another than she thinks. She needs to be able to talk about schedules, vacations, homework, pick up, drop off, coughs, fevers, drivers ed., potty training (if the kids are that young), on up through dating and prom plans. All of those little chats are opportunities to create a united family that circles the child with love, or opportunites to create discord and passive agressive walls.</p>
<p>I haven’t lived it personally, but I have watched family and friends create wonderful extended families, and some who have been much less successful.</p>
<p>In addition to how your D will handle this, you need to consider what kind of grandparents you will be. Although these will be your “step-grandchildren”, I hope you will be able to embrace them and treat them exactly the same as any “non-step” grandchildren you have now or have in the future. Gifts, financial support for college, activities and time spent with them, holiday, etc. Obviously this is your D’s decision whether to marry this “family” (she isn’t just marrying him, but essentially the kids as well). But you and your H will have decisions to make regarding what kind of relationship you will have as well. Hoping you will choose to be as welcoming as possible, it will pay dividends in the end.</p>
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The closest person in the entire world to my mother is my niece, who is my SIL’s daughter from a previous relationship. She came to our hearts and family with her wonderful brothers when they were six, four and two, and what blessings they have all been. My SIL can be a little difficult sometimes (as can we all), but her children, children-in-law, and grandchildren couldn’t possibly be more loved and cherished. We are all much closer to those children, who aren’t blood, than to my sister’s kids who are.</p>
<p>I disagree that the D (new stepmom) will be talking to the bio mom and making all these arrangements. That is the dad’s job, as he is the parent of the kids. It can really set off a bio mom to have to deal with a new stepmom about arrangements because it can threaten the authority of the bio mom.</p>
<p>I have been in a blended family for 24 years. I only made arrangements with my stepson’s mom once, when my husband had an accident with surgery and we couldn’t have the boys for their regular weekend. I did sometimes make arrangements with my D’s stepmom as she is a lovely person and was actually easier to deal with than my ex-H. </p>
<p>My advice: never badmouth as mentioned above. Don’t try to be the kids’ mom; they already have one. Back off as needed when the kids are at your house. Let the dad have time alone with the kids. And my greatest pearl of wisdom: the one with the best manners wins.</p>
<p>And one more: step is hard.</p>
<p>My wife’s father became the “local” grandparent of my son after I married his daughter. My ex and he just adored each other after they met. We would all go to band concerts, puppet shows and other performamces that my son was in as a group. My wife asked my ex to sit with us at her dad’s funeral since she knew he would want it that way.</p>
<p>A dear friend of mine has a daughter who not so long ago married a divorced man with a child. The mother got full custody, after years of fighting the joint custody that just did not work out She is now in Europe with the child, and it has made life easier. Joint custody is no nirvana, and can be a nightmare when the parents cannot get along at all. In this case, my friends’ Son In law’s ex just could not live up to any agreement, totally ignored visitation schedules, and the child did not want to spend time with his dad… When she got the overseas job offer which was a good one, they negotiated a deal and it’s been a great 3 years. How things will work out when the child is older and if the mom does not want to provide a home for the child is up in the air. </p>
<p>That has been a major issue with many who married someone with other children. When the kids are younger, there are fights about who gets them. When they get older, no one wants them, and often for good reason. It’s particularly difficult to take in a teen or young adult that was not really raised by you. The joint custody is supposed to ease some of such transitions, but in many cases, I don’t see it working well. </p>
<p>One thing that I would check out is if there has been any violent history and if there are any dangers right out there. You can never check everything out, but some of the obvious things you can. </p>
<p>As for bad mouthing, that can be a tough one when you have a very unbalanced ex and a particularly nasty situaion at hand. Sometimes the truth is just plain bad.</p>
<p>For clarification, the DV warning was to say IF you pull the divorce records and you see a restraining order DON’T assume the worst…that they are routine in some states.</p>
<p>Op, it sounds like your D’s fiance married and had kids at a very young age, unless he waiting several years to go to grad school, and that she is young as well. That mans a few things-that she will be helping raise his kids for most of their lives, and that its likely there will be more children added to the equation while the first ones are still young. That’s a lot to take on, even when the consortium of wives, husbands and ex’s have some life experience under their belts. Your D should do a lot of talking to her fiance to make sure they are completely on the same page with everything this means.</p>
<p>I agree that it’s a lot to take on - a lot of unknowns. I think finances will also be a big issue - in addition to his financial responsibilities to his children/ex-spouse, both have student loans for grad school and their chosen careers (teaching) will not result in high-paying jobs. I am glad that they are not rushing into marriage - daughter wants both of them to be all done with their studies first, so that would mean summer 2015 wedding at the earliest. They have started premarital counseling.</p>
<p>Advice from a child who grew up in a divorced household and who has seen relationships torn apart (that will never fully be mended back together) because of a parent’s significant others, I would advise your daughter to never forget that she is not the biological mother and that the children’s relationship with their biological parents should be a treasured one. Do not make the children choose between one side or the other. Allow them to come to their own conclusions.</p>
<p>Your daughter and her fianc</p>
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<p>My sister’s husband has two children (now adults) from a previous marriage. He had true joint custody (50/50) with the children’s mother (a week and a weekend on, then off). My sister found herself having to talk to the children’s mother constantly about coordination and transportation and providing the children with the necessaries She also would frequently buy her stepchildren unexpected yet needed clothes, i.e. for the funeral they had to go to tomorrow, or give them money for the field trip because the form was due tomorrow, etc. She found that there was no way that she could avoid dealing with their mother on a very regular basis.</p>
<p>My point is that depending on the custody arrangements the bio parents have, and the age of the children involved, and the work situations, the stepparent may end up having to do a great deal of coordination, or at least should not be surprised when it’s necessary.</p>
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<p>Second wives who get resentful when their husbands meet their financial obligations for their children from prior relationships (or go above and beyond the minimum legally required) are completely out of line, imo. Those children are JUST as entitled to Dad’s resources as any other kids who follow. The second wives KNEW of those children, KNEW of the obligations, and have no legitimate objection to those children receiving financial support, or emotional support, or any support at all. I’m not referring to adult children who continue to make demands, but minor children up to the age of college graduation. In fact, the second wife should find their husband’s dedication to meeting his obligations to his older children ADMIRABLE. </p>
<p>Women who don’t want to share their husband’s resources with his children should not marry a divorced father. Women who might later resent the birthday gift to the adult child or the sharing of wedding costs or other reasonable expenses should not marry a divorced father with children. When you marry a divorced man with children, you are accepting the fact that they will ALWAYS be his children no matter how many new children he has later.</p>
<p>“If it is important to your daughter to have children, she needs to have this conversation with her fiance. It might very well be that he is done having children (He already has two)” - Well said. I was going to make the same point.</p>
<p>Do 50% of marriages still end in divorce? What percentages of second marriages end in divorce? </p>
<p>So these are two teachers (when d gets her grad degree, and she’ll have a job immediately afterwards?). What are the salaries where they live? How much in student debt between the two of them? How old are the children?</p>
<p>His current teacher salary is in the low 30,000’s. Don’t know specifics re: his student loan debt. Her student loan debt will be around $30,000. His children are both under 10. They live in one of the most expensive cities in the U.S. Do couples in this situation who do get married keep their earnings separate, file separate tax returns, keep any assets (like cars) separately? I wonder if some just decide to live together instead.</p>
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<p>And he pays spousal support? He got taken for a ride by his ex-wife.</p>