<p>Daughter is engaged to a divorced dad with 2 kids. Ex-wife has custody. He pays child support and spousal support. Our family does not have any experience with this. Any advice/words of wisdom to pass along?</p>
<p>I’m a divorced single mom and lawyer.</p>
<p>Truthfully, I would want to know why ex has custody. There are a lot of he said/she saids out there but in the vast majority of states women do NOT get exclusive custody any more. In our state there would have to be some sort of a showing that he either was unfit or didn’t want it…both of which are relevant to your D. </p>
<p>In many states you can find a copy of the divorce paperwork online. Be aware many states do restraining orders as a matter of course (without any showing of domestic violence).</p>
<p>We have several such situations in our family. Some tips:</p>
<p>Minor children require a lot of attention, effort and money. If she isn’t willing to deal with them in the way children deserve and, most importantly, if she would envy or begrudge her husband’s time and money, she shouldn’t get married.</p>
<p>She is not and never will be their mother. Your daughter can be a wonderful blessing to the children and they to her, but their mother is their mother is their mother and she should never be bad-mouthed, so matter how justified.</p>
<p>It takes time to build a relationship, but when she gets married, those kids will be her family even though she didn’t choose them.</p>
<p>The couple should set down house rules and present a united front about them. However, if the couple doesn’t agree, their father is the parent. </p>
<p>It takes time to come to the point where the step-parent can/should be the disciplinarian, and should never expect the children to side against the parent.</p>
<p>Raising kids is tough.</p>
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<p>Divorced dad here. </p>
<p>How long has the divorce been final?</p>
<p>Is the custody exchange going smoothly and are they flexible in handling changes?</p>
<p>Does your daughter already actually know the ex mom and the kids? </p>
<p>Are the ex and kids in the same town with the dad?</p>
<p>Is there already resentment and resistance to the marriage by any of them?</p>
<p>Does your daughter expect that whenever there is a conflict the dad will go with what your daughter wants?</p>
<p>How the new arrrangement works depends on so many different variables.</p>
<p>Does he have visitation?</p>
<p>I have a friend who is a single mom of 4. Her ex has paid only a very small percentage of what he is court ordered to pay and is thoroughly unreliable regarding his weekends, his driving to activities duties, etc. The live in girlfriend of the ex had no idea what the true situation was and sent a letter to the mom telling her off. The ex had told the gf that he was up to date on child support, that the mom cancelled everything last minute, expected him to drop everything at a moment’s notice, demanded more money for extra-cirriculars, etc. I know there are two sides to every story, but my point is to encourage D to be sure she knows the true situation. The live-in gf kicked the guy out when she learned about the child support backlog! It is wise to go in knowing the situation is potentially complicated. That being said, I know several families with divorces and remarriages that work beautifully.</p>
<p>(I’m remarrying a divorced man with two kids so I am a believer it can work too!)</p>
<p>I’m with TempeMom here. The fact that the ex has custody raises red flags for me.</p>
<p>zoosermom has some excellent advice. Also, I think Tempemom might jumping from A-Z-there are lots of reasons one parent might have custody that aren’t nefarious. My sister does because her ex works crazy hours that would not jibe well with raising a young son. They never changed it when he got older. Father sees son quite often. Another sister got custody by agreement because her ex had to move for his job. But I agree with finding out why.</p>
<p>My advice as the parent with the kids (shared custody) who married a life-long single, treat the kids with love and respect and accept them as part of your family, NOT just visitors when they are there. And unless the ex is a psychopath, don’t badmouth her. </p>
<p>My ex’s new wife took every opportunity to tell my kids her laundry list of what I was doing wrong. They are in their 20’s now and she STILL does from time to time. Needless to say, neither of them are close to her. My H has always treated my older kids as if he is their parent too. Not by way of undermining their dad, but just accepting them and including them. While he deferred to me in parenting, it went a very long way towards their getting along. They had clashes during their teens but once the kids got older they appreciated him for what he did.</p>
<p>I’m remarried with a now 25 year old son. We’ve been married 22 years next week. It can work. My son and my wife have their own good relationship, not some derivative pipe-dream I conjured up.</p>
<p>Mom never remarried. Child support never got raised in 18 years. No agreement on college. We worked it all out.</p>
<p>07Dad makes a great point. The bio-parent should stay out of the relationship between the spouse and child(ren) as long as it is respectful. Like any real relationship, it will have ups and downs and learning experiences, but if the parties are family (which they are), then they have to have their own relationship.</p>
<p>Not saying there is something necessarily nefarious…just you should verify…especially when the custody situation might be acrimonious and very likely recent if he is still paying alimony. My bf’s ex and he are amazing at working out the schedule bc he travels for work…but to be sure he was on the parenting plan to start with.</p>
<p>Well, DV is pretty nefarious! I have a friend paying alimony for 5 years, which sounds reasonable to me for a former SAM parent. Another will be paying for the same amount of time in a different state. I could see almost anyone moving on within 5 years, though of course, some NEVER really do!</p>
<p>I’d advise that she cultivate as warm a relationship as possible with the children’s mom. Sometimes the mom and stepmom can communicate better about schedules etc than can the mom and dad. Also, the children benefit if everyone gets along and can sit together at recitals, have joint birthday parties, etc.</p>
<p>It is imperative that your daughter not enter into this unless she can fully commit her time, emotions, and resources toward the children. She must consider the children to be her own, in terms of her commitment to them. The children should always come first, which means she will often have to compromise and adjust her expectations. If she is not willing to do this (and this would be understandable), she needs to rethink this marriage. And if her fiance does not make the children his number one priority (with his money and his time, even though he is not the domiciliary parent), she should run in the other direction. Real parents - don’t use the collapse of their marriages to alter their commitment to their children.</p>
<p>Make sure she knows every single thing about his financial situation, especially tax issues and child support obligations. Again, if he is behind on child support for ANY reason, this is a huge red flag that must not be ignored. If he is not involved with the children in a significant way, and has reasons he considers legitimate for not supporting them financially, she should break off the engagement immediately. There is never any excuse for this.</p>
<p>If her fiance and his ex-wife have a contentious relationship (no matter who is at “fault”), I’d seriously encourage her to reconsider whether she really wants to sign on to a life full of conflict. But if everyone can at least maintain a civil and working relationship, stepchildren can be a great joy. Stepparents often become stepchildren’s friends and confidantes - the authority figure the children can talk to about things they don’t want to discuss with their parents. It can be a very special relationship.</p>
<p>Blended families CAN work (I’m from one AND in one!), but you have to go in with your eyes wide open.</p>
<p>Both my husband and I were married previously with children. I don’t see anything at all strange with mom having custody…it was this way with both of us, even though the circumstances of our former spouse’s are completely different.
My ex and I agreed upon everything amicably without having lawyers duke it out and make the cost of divorce higher than it needed to be.</p>
<p>Having said that, if I knew then what I know now, regarding how difficult my husband’s ex would make our lives and the life of their child , I might have thought more solidly about the decision…can’t say I would have changed my mind for sure , but it has never been peaceful.
If your daughter’s fianc</p>
<p>It’s especially important to remember that when you have kids all of the father’s resources won’t go to the children of the present marriage. Things can sometimes be wonderful until the parents in the new marriage resent the resources that can’t go to the children of that marraige, particularly college costs which can be very large. Many of us expect to scrimp and sacrifice to put our kids through college, but it can sometimes be difficult to scrimp and sacrifice to put someone else’s kids through college.</p>
<p>I agree with TempeMom that if his ex-wife has SOLE custody, that’s a red flag. But I read the original post and assumed “custody” meant the wife has the kids most of the time and dad has them every other weekend. I have a lot of divorced women friends and that’s their set up. I don’t know any situations (not that they don’t exist – I just don’t know anyone) where the dad has them most of the time. I also have one divorced friend who does indeed have sole custody. The court deemed her ex-husband unfit.</p>
<p>I had lunch with one of my best friends on Friday. He has been divorced for 8 years. One kid is now in college and the other is 15. It was a very amicable divorce for all that time, they even bought apartments on the same block to facilitate a true half-time split. Alimony was agreed upon for 10 years and child support to age 23. However, last winter, the mother’s boyfriend, who does not work, moved into the apartment and the son/boyfriend just do not get along. The lawyers are now involved. Very sad.</p>
<p>Great points, EastCoastGirl. </p>
<p>Single parent of almost 17 years here. I really, really hope your D is able to have a congenial relationship with the mom. Nevertheless, never, never badmouth. Resist those who attempt to drag her into badmouthing. If the children complain about mom, listen, acknowledge, give them strategies to resolve the problem, but never, never engage. If mom is badmouthing your D, never, never engage. Be the bigger person, always. My oldest turns 22 this week, and I can honestly say that until just the other day I never even gave my opinions about my ex or his wife, much less tried to impress them upon her or her sister. I’m very comfortable that my girls know that is true.</p>
<p>Second, keep a journal and document everything. Don’t advertise that you (your D) are doing it, just write things down. The good (yes keep track of this too), the bad, the ugly. Names, dates, places, etc. Even if the relationship is smooth now, you never know when an old issue can become a new issue. Sorry if that sounds pesimistic, but it really is important. Hopefully, those notes will never be used for anything but to remember the good times.</p>
<p>If it is important to your daughter to have children, she needs to have this conversation with her fiance. It might very well be that he is done having children (He already has two).</p>