What's going on with weddings today?

Parent Cafe
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<p>A friend’s DD got married last year. They decided to have both sets of parents plus bride and groom chip into the pot and spend the money accordingly. That sounds great. However, the bride and groom wanted a small wedding – as in 35 people. Just immediate family. My friend went along with their wishes. However, when invitations were going out, the groom’s mother decided that there were about 20 close friends and neighbors that she couldn’t possible exclude. So, the bride was very unhappy, but under the circumstances, couldn’t say no. </p>

<p>When our two older daughters got married (both in a city that we didn’t live in, but not a destination wedding), we gave them an amount of money and said that they could do with what they wished, but I had to have the final okay. Since my husband and I paid for the reception, we issued the invitations. They were very traditional. I figured that we were the hosts, so we issued the invitations. While 6 & 9 years later there are some minor things that the girls would change, overall everyone was happy. In fact, I have several friends that have used our weddings as what they wanted for their daughters.<br>
While we might have spent more than some here, they were both well less than $20,000 on our part. (Oh, if the girls had wanted to go over our budget, it would have been their money spent.)</p>

262

<p>Singersmom, It’s my understanding that the bride’s bouquet, and only her bouquet, has ALWAYS been the GROOM"S, not his parents’ responsibility. However, since most bride’s want their flowers to co-ordinate with all the others, over time, it’s become common for the groom or his parents to pay for all the flowers. However, old etiquette books say only the bride’s bouquet is the groom’s responsibiity. </p>

<p>I just read a light “chick-lit” book by Meg Cabot, best known as author of “The Princess Diaries.” It’s about a wedding planner of sorts. The book includes a “traditional” breakdown of expenses. I was rather surprised by how many things are the responsibility of the bride and groom. For example, the bride and groom, not parents, are responsible for photography. The groom is responsible for the hotel bill of his ushers and gifts to them, the marriage license, the bride’s flowers. </p>

<p>The groom’s family was responsible for transportation. At a lot of weddings these days, transportation is provided. Thus, if your out of town guests are staying in a hotel, it’s common to hire a bus to pick them up there, take them to the church/synogogue/temple/ town hall, ferry them to the reception, and back to the hotel. The idea is to avoid a situation in which someone is trying to wrestle Uncle Joe’s car keys away from him at the end of the night because he shouldn’t be driving–or worse, Uncle Joe drives drunk and hurts or kills himself and/or someone else. Of course, it also avoids the situation in which people get lost on the way to the reception because they missed a turn. Anyway, if a work of fiction can be counted on for such things, the transportation is the groom’s parents’ responsibility. I suspect this breakdown was made in the days in which the wedding was usually in the bride’s hometown, so most of the out of town guests were on the groom’s side. </p>

<p>My kid’s friends have a different “rule”–they say one-third, one-third, one-third. Thus, the couple is expected to pay for one-third, and each set of parents pays for one-third. But in calculating that third, they include cost of attendance. So, if the couple is marrying in LA and the groom’s parents are flying in from New York, my kid and friends include the airfare and hotel in the one-third. If the bride’s parents host the wedding in their hometown and the groom’s parents are coming a great distance, then the bride’s parents foot more of the bill.</p>

<p>In any event, I don’t think anyone should assume that the bride’s parents will pay for a wedding, let alone that some etiquette book will determine who pays for what. And I think that’s especially true if the groom’s parents want any say in the wedding. There are other circumstances in which it makes sense for the groom’s parents to foot the bill. For example, one woman I know converted to her husband’s faith prior to their marriage. This was hard for her parents to accept, and they certainly had no idea of how to arrange a wedding in that faith. The groom’s parents were delighted by the conversion, the wedding took place in their house of worship, and they picked up the tab. They could afford it and somehow expecting the bride’s parents to pay for a wedding they weren’t happy about seemed like pouring salt into wounds.</p>

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<p>"I think I got lost in the intervening years. When did flowers become the groom’s family? When I got married (UMMMM) years ago, I picked and bought the flowers. I selected the bouquet I wanted and my mom agreed to pay for. No way I was having him either pick them or make him pay for them. </p>

<p>Sigh. I guess I’d better catch up on what is expected from us besides the rehearsal dinner and our own expenses."</p>

<p>Me, too. That’s exactly how I thought about it. I wasn’t about to present my groom or his family with a bill for flowers that <em>I</em> picked to <em>my</em> taste with <em>my</em> florist. To me, my parents hosted the wedding, which meant they paid for all the accoutrements of the event, except the rehearsal dinner.</p>

264

<p>Any words of advice on how to handle the groom’s divorced parents who don’t get along at all. Should the groom talk to them? Leave it alone and assume that they are adults and will rise to the occasion?</p>

265

<p>My sister has had a son and a daughter get married, and in both cases, she and her husband gave the couple a check for their wedding account. (It was the same amount for both the son and the daughter.) In both cases, the spouse-to-be’s family also contributed money to the wedding account, then the couple made the wedding decisions and purchases, although they talked to their parents about things and parents did some of the legwork at the couple’s request. At the daughter’s wedding, photography and videography were a big priority for the couple, and their budget reflected that; at the son’s wedding, the reception location, food and drink were the priority.</p>

<p>A well-off family in our community does something similar, giving a large check to an engaged child and his/her fiance, then telling them they can use it to pay for a big wedding/modest honeymoon or a small wedding/elaborate honeymoon. (All four kids have opted for the simple wedding and elaborate honeymoon.)</p>

<p>Changes I have noticed from when I got married almost 30 years ago include the mandatory manicure/pedicure/hair stylist expenses for every female member of the wedding party; the elaborate and expensive bachelor/bachelorette parties (which sometimes are “destination parties”); and the expensive and elaborate honeymoons in exotic locations. (Our honeymoon was a couple nights at a hotel in a city a few hours away.)</p>

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<p>Bromfield, I’m divorced and my ex and I don’t get along. My advice would be that (a)the groom shouldn’t give either of his parents any lectures and (b) the bride and her family should avoid doing anything that smacks of taking sides. It may well be that you LIKE one parent more than the other, but fake it if you can. </p>

<p>A friend’s step-child got married. The spouse to be parents stayed in the same hotel as my friend and spouse. They met at check in and got together for a drink that night. Hit it off. By the time the rehearsal began the next day, they were all “friends.” They spent a lot of the rehearsal dinner and reception talking to each other. Well, the other divorced parent saw this as a real slap in the face. It wasn’t intended to be that–at all–but it made a bad situation worse. It wasn’t just that the new spouse’s parents were spending a lot of time with ex and new spouse; it was that they were NOT spending the same amount of time with the other divorced parent. Other parent’s feelings were really hurt. It may be silly that they were, but they were. Other parent vented to the child getting married on the wedding day about how hurt parent was about how the spouse to be’s parents were “ignoring” this parent and befriended that awful ex. Kid got upset. </p>

<p>Remember you can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your own. One parent may be truly awful and the other a really good person. But, try to make sure that you stay as neutral as possible, especially when both parents are around.</p>

267

<p>HisGraceFillsMe, you asked how someone could spend so much money on a dress they’ll only wear for a few hours…</p>

<p>When I got married, I thought the same way. I set a price limit for myself and refused to budge. Result - I ended up with a dress I did not especially like. It was the best of the zillion I tried on, but it wasn’t what I really wanted. I’d have had to spend about 50% more to get what I wanted, and I thought I was being smart.</p>

<p>Like many people, we have one or two wedding pictures displayed in our home. I’ve had to look at that dress EVERY DAY for the past 22 years. For a couple hundred measly bucks more, I could have had the dress of my dreams but I passed it up.</p>

<p>Don’t think of it as a dress you’ll wear for a couple of hours. Think of it as the ONE dress you’ll remember and/or look at photos of for the REST OF YOUR LIFE. Trust me on this one…</p>

268

<p>When I was getting married, my mother who was the “thrifty” one and I went shopping. We bought a dress and it was okay, but not by any means my dream dress. My father called me at work the next day and told me to go out and buy something that would make me happy. I am, to this day, so grateful to him. It’s been 30 years. I would NOT have been happy in that other dress. Although I still have it.</p>

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<p>3bm103^^ Awww…what a nice dad!</p>

270

<p>I had thought of telling them an amount of money, but I have no idea what is reasonable. Since it is a destination wedding, I’ll be paying to get the immediate family there and housed. Airfare, transport for the 90 minutes from airport, renting a house to provide lodging for a long weekend and meals in the house. Not sure what is reasonable for rehearsal dinner and all the rest. </p>

<p>Groom is student with no income, going on grants. (long story why we no longer pay his schooling - he already went 2x’s on our dime and dropped out each time) So realistically how much can be his responsibility. I was not in favor of a wedding until he was employed, but it is what it is. Her parents are supporting them.</p>

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<p>My husband’s parents do NOT get along, even after over a decade of being divorced. My parents, at the time of our wedding, were racking up about five times the cost of the entire wedding in lawyer fees from their own divorce. I was very nervous about leaving things to chance, since everything seemed very volatile.</p>

<p>We decided that the best man (my husband’s brother and a former infantryman) would be the bouncer. We informed him of this, and gave him strict instructions that anybody causing a ruckus would be removed from the wedding.</p>

<p>I sat and listened to my mother and my mother-in-law bash their ex-husbands during the weekend of my wedding shower. Once they’d established a rapport with each other based upon mutual hatred of marriage and men in general, I informed them both in as kind a manner as I could muster that starting a marriage is a monumentally nerve-wracking thing, and that if during the course of the wedding day, my husband or I heard any unpleasantness regarding our parents’ former marriages, that the best man was being given full permission to remove them from the premises because we did not need any further stress. They both protested a little irritatedly that THEY wouldn’t be the ones to start anything, but the point was made. We informed the dads of the same thing (who didn’t protest, and just said, “Okay”).</p>

<p>Assigned seats at the reception, definitely. Each parent had at least one ‘sidekick’ at their table (and all four parents were at separate tables)… a person who the parent trusted and could quietly vent to if need be. Each parent was surrounded by people whose company they enjoyed. I informed each of them that their ex was going to be invited, and let them know when I received each parent’s RSVP, and asked if there was anything I could do to make them more comfortable than what I’d already worked out. There wasn’t really anything else they could think of.</p>

<p>I’m pleased to say that it turned out wonderfully. My parents actually decided to sit next to each other during the ceremony (and actually offered each other the sign of peace traditionally given at Catholic masses) and everyone was very civil towards one another, and all four parents had a great time and thought that it was a beautiful day.</p>

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<p>I also had my dream dress. It was the first one I tried on, and though I looked at others, we kept coming back to the first, and my mom said, “What the heck!” I love that dress and love looking at the pictures of it. I had it heirloomed with the hope that one day my daughter would wear it.</p>

<p>What do I get? 3 sons!! The dress is still sitting in its heirloom box waiting to be worn again!!!</p>

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<p>I too had a “dream” dress–I saw it in a magazine and we ordered it, after discovering nothing like it in the local stores (ok, Wendy’s Bridal was about it back then). This was sort of a splurge for my parents, back in that day.</p>

<p>I am still happy to see that dress in photos. My daughter didn’t wear it when she got married, cause she is a different shape than I am, so it’s sitting in the box still. SHE found her dream dress in a consignment shop, never worn, just overlooked. :)</p>

274

<p>Someone mentioned that brides will have to look at their wedding dress on a daily basis for the rest of their lives. Not true at my house, not really sure why. I don’t have any wedding pictures displayed in my home. We have the wedding album stashed on a shelf in the living room, but I can’t even remember the last time I looked at it! I’m very much in love with my DH and have had a great marriage for 26 years, now. Just curious if everyone has wedding pictures on display in their home.</p>

275

<p>I’ve got one picture in our living room on a book shelf, but since noone actually uses the living room :wink: it is never seen.</p>

<p>But, my husband has one in his office, so many people see that one!</p>

276

<p>I think the only picture on display is up in the attic guest room. But I do love my dress - it doesn’t looked dated to me at all - may be because it was an antique in the first place. I’m not sure how old it was, but it looked to me like something Katherine Hepburn might have worn.</p>

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<p>We have family pictures and portraits hanging on one wall in our family room. I see it everyday and remember my father’s kindness.</p>

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<p>I have no wedding pix on display, although I have many other family pictures spread all over my home. The wedding photos are in an album on a shelf with all other photos in our living room, where I spend most of my waking hours when at home.</p>

<p>Back in 1985 I bought a wedding dress off the rack at Marshall Fields for $180. That was the most I ever paid for a dress either before or since. My H and I, who were in our mid-30’s, funded our low-key wedding that included the most important 65 people in our lives. We had a sit-down meal in the afternoon, with a DJ and dancing. The total for everything, including the modest diamond ring, the reception and our honeymoon was about $5,000. My parents paid for a meal the night before the wedding for 10 of us (close family only) that we had at a nice restaurant at O’Hare. My brother stepped off the plane and walked to the dinner.</p>

<p>I gave my dress to Good Will years ago. We have a very small old house with limited storage, and I had no sentimental attachment to the dress. I hope it made a less fortunate person happy.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine taking out loans to pay for any part of a wedding. Also, in these days of economic uncertainty, I would be very hesitant to spend big bucks on any event, except college for my children. Even with the full or partial scholarships/financial aid that my children receive, the thousands that we spend on college are daunting to us.</p>

<p>If either of my kids ever get married, it won’t be for a long time, and we will be retired. I hope our kids would prefer that we continue to be independent, and perhaps leave a bit of an inheritance for them. I know we won’t be willing to foot the bill for any kind of extravaganza, no matter what they want.</p>