<p>I know it will be years until my husband and I are dealing with weddings, but thought I would ask the CC family to share anything new that’s going on.</p>
<p>I haven’t had any personal experience with being the parent of a bride or groom, but my first experience as a friend of the mother of the groom made me think about this. I understand that things may be different depending on area of the country, ses, culture, etc., but I was surprised to find out that my friend is hosting 60 people at the rehearsal dinner! In my day it was the people in the wedding and the immediate family who were invited. </p>
<p>So . . . please share your experiences/stories.</p>
<p>The tackiest thing I’ve seen was a former student (whom I wasn’t particularly close to) invited me to a wedding to which I was to reply on-line. </p>
<p>On-line, his fiancee and he had created a web page that had games that one could play to find out how much one knew about the couple. It also had a way that one could contribute money to help fund their honeymoon.</p>
<p>I quickly declined that invitation.</p>
<p>A couple of my friends have had weddings at which the reception was a potluck. I personally think that is tacky. These were, incidentally, employed, middle aged friends.</p>
<p>One twentysomething friend – known rightfully for her and her family’s good taste – had a nice wedding, tasteful, not a $16 k dream wedding that would put the family into debt forever. I’m sure she did not have a rehearsal dinner for 60. Sent gracious thank-you notes to everyone, too.</p>
<p>With so many people from out of town these days, it is now normal to have the out of town relatives at the rehearsal dinner. Those that are closely related at least. Even so the group can get large even if just the wedding party, with sig others and the parents, grandparents and siblings, with sig others. We are looking at that now with a destination wedding.</p>
<p>The rules seem to have changed. My 30+ year old nephew is miffed that his parents and one of his siblings but no other extended family are flying from the NE to his destination wedding in Mexico. I actually got a phone call from his mother (my sister) asking why I was not going…“You can afford it!”. </p>
<p>I am sure that her reaction is not the norm. If you plan a destination wedding good for you, but how can you be annoyed if people can’t afford to go or don’t choose to give up precious vacation time to attend?</p>
<p>NSM, I recently also saw a wedding invitation online and paying for part of the honeymoon was also a gift option! They were also registered and had expensive furniture as possible wedding gifts. I noticed that nobody purchased the furniture, and it won’t happen since the wedding took place a few months ago.</p>
<p>As far as rehersal dinners…I have been invited to 2 out of town weddings that I attended. There was a dinner at each for out of town guests, and the wedding party only. Frankly, the cost of that is like the price of a more modest wedding! In both cases, fortunately, the families were able to afford that. In both cases they wanted to be gracious hosts/hostesses.</p>
<p>Elleneast, I agree with you. Also, the out of town weddings that I attended were a car ride away (a few hours each way). They were not in Mexico!</p>
<p>I agree with Singersmom (and others) - much of the increase in size of rehearsal dinners has to do with logistics, not rampaging Bridezillas.
Whether it’s a Destination Wedding (in the big-deal sense) or a wedding that happens to be out-of-town for a lot of people, for whatever reasons, it is becoming commonplace to invite the out-of-town relatives to the rehearsal dinner. </p>
<p>Though all of this is a few years down the road for my kids (or many years in one case!), we’ve been to the weddings of a nephew and two nieces in the last couple of years, and two more are on the books for this coming year.
So far, two house-of-worship weddings and one J.O.P.; two indoors and one out. Two expensive (though not in-your-face about it) and one hardly at all. None was significantly different from weddings of my peers, though overall there’s probably more generalized Martha Stewartism, attention to minute details (coordination of invitation ink with table runners with bridal party favors with ribbons on the ringbearer’s pillow), and so on. The one of the three which veered the closest to Bridezilla Craziness was actually the smallest and most low-key, in the end. (The reception was another story!)</p>
<p>Right, hmom - and some choose to address it with a capital D capital W Destination Wedding, in a resort-type location, while others just pick a place that’s close to one family or the other, and yet still requires travel for most of the family and guests. </p>
<p>Actually the latter was the case even for H and me, twenty-whatever years ago: My parents lived somewhere I had never lived (and which represented a plane ride for every possible attendee except the two of them), so that was out of the question. We lived in NYC, where we had lots of friends, but zero family (and it was terrifyingly expensive), so that seemed like a bad choice. We ended up getting married in the area where most of H’s family lived, and my family and most of our friends had to travel. Nobody minded too much.</p>
<p>hmom5–I would also suspect, statistically, kids & their families today tend to be unaffiliated with a church or place of worship. So there’s no sentimental reason to have the wedding in their hometown.</p>
<p>I didn’t have my wedding in my hometown. Instead, I had it in the place where I had lived and worked for 3 years, and where most of my friends (and relatives for that matter) lived. Even most of my college friends lived within a 3-hour drive. Many of H’s relatives also lived in or near where we got married. </p>
<p>If I had gotten married in my small, isolated hometown, virtually no one would have come except my immediate family. I also had no church affiliation there any more. I had long left my childhood religion.</p>
<p>I was the mother of the groom this last summer. I loved every minuted of it. The rehearsal dinner was 45 people because my siblings came in from out of town and that’s the least I could do for people who were willing to fly that far for my child. Not everyone that came from out of town was invited to the rehearsal dinner though. Just relatives.</p>
<p>I suppose one of the benefits of growing up in a large, close knit family is that I won’t bat an eye at the number of guests for rehersal or wedding. We always make it work (more people=less money per person.)</p>
<p>Moving around the country, I’ve been to all kinds of weddings. I always enjoy them. It’s a happy day and it’s nice to be included.</p>
<p>My daughter got married last June, so I had to become an expert. I had a couple threads about it all.<br>
Our rehearsal dinner was a little bit of an “issue” because the groom’s parents are divorced and hate each other. The father did his best to jerk everyone’s chains through the whole process, but I shut that down fast. We had the rehearsal dinner at our house on our deck. We kept the actual dinner (informal and catered) to about 22 people (out of town relatives and the wedding party) and followed with a large dessert reception for ALL out of town guests. It was a lot of fun. The father wound up paying the bill once he figured out we weren’t going to let him ruin the evening. He informed the couple that paying for the rehearsal dinner (which other people totally planned and orchestrated) was his wedding gift to them. Pretty obnoxious.</p>
<p>We have been invited to our first “destination” wedding this coming summer- in Ravello, Italy- on the Amalfi Coast. Trying to decide whether there is any way we can do it. The groom is my H’s nephew, who lives in London and his British wife-to-be. Makes sense for them, I guess. THey took a vacation there (one of those hike all day, stay in a lovely 4 star hotel with a gourmet dinner at night trips!) and fell in love with the area. It is beautiful there, we did the Amalfi drive MANY years ago when H was a Naval Officer and we were stationed in Italy. I would love to go back, but…so expensive! Especially as we would consider taking the kids- birthday and Christmas rolled into one (maybe for several years!).</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, do most people think a pot-luck reception is tacky? </p>
<p>I went to one many years ago where the guests brought all the food including the cake, which was made as a gift by a friend of the bride’s. Guests with talent provided the live music. The wedding was held picnic-style in their neighbor’s back yard, and the bride wore her mother’s gown. It was a beautiful event with love and good wishes all around. The couple didn’t have much money, but they were still able to share their special day with their generous friends. </p>
<p>Even if people have money, I don’t really see what’s wrong with deciding that a fancy wedding isn’t the best way to spend it. If I were invited to a pot-luck wedding now, I wouldn’t be offended; I’d be more inclined to praise the couple for avoiding the urge to impress at all costs.</p>
<p>Wow. Can you cash in every frequent flier/anything points/loyalty program bonus ANYTHING you have (or can accrue in the next couple of months)? That sounds absolutely heavenly.</p>
<p>"I understand that things may be different depending on area of the country, ses, culture, etc., but I was surprised to find out that my friend is hosting 60 people at the rehearsal dinner! In my day it was the people in the wedding and the immediate family who were invited. "</p>
<p>Even in my day (20+ years ago), the rehearsal dinner included all the out of town guests, as well as the in-town relatives. I think that’s the gracious thing to do, if you are inviting people from out of town, to try to take care of their meals. I was married on the Sunday of a Labor Day weekend and we had:
Friday night dinner at a restaurant for out of towners
Saturday during the day: Bridesmaids’ luncheon for the girls, and pool party for the guys (and anyone else who wanted to come)
Saturday night: Rehearsal dinner (hosted by my in-laws) at a hotel, for all out of towners plus relatives
Sunday night: Wedding itself
Monday morning: Brunch at the hotel as people took off to go home</p>
<p>We did the same thing with my children’s bar / bar mitzvah, though on a smaller scale:
Friday night: Shabbat dinner for relatives and out of towners after services
Saturday morning: Service … Lunch for relatives and out of towners
Saturday night: Party itself
Sunday morn: Bagels / brunch at our house</p>
<p>I recognize people’s budgets and tastes differ, but I really do think it’s nice to try to host people for multiple events if they have to travel to your location.</p>
<p>I think we had out of town guests (at least the relatives) at our rehearsal dinner. But there weren’t 60 people there by a long shot! </p>
<p>The strangest new thing I’ve met is goody bags for the out of town guests. We came back to the room from the wedding and found a basket with sodas and water and crackers and cookies. Seemed silly as we’d just had a big meal.</p>