What's going on with weddings today?

Parent Cafe
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<p>"Out of curiosity, do most people think a pot-luck reception is tacky? "</p>

<p>I do. I think that people should host whatever kind of reception they can afford even if that’s ice tea and cake in a church basement.</p>

<p>I think it’s rude and crass to expect one’s guests to provide the food for one’s wedding. It’s a big pain to have to prepare food for such an event particularly when you’re already giving them a present. </p>

<p>One of the people I know who did this was just plain cheap. I know him and his wife well, and she’s always complaining about his cheapness. He’s an adult who’s almost 60 and has a fulltime job, no dependents except for his wife.</p>

<p>The other person who is doing this is almost 60, too, and I don’t even know her that well, though I like her. I’m planning on going to the reception without bringing food since I plan to eat earlier anyway.</p>

<p>The nicest wedding that I went to recently had simple reception food cooked by the bride and her family-- and the bride and groom, who are in their 30s or 40s, requested no presents. It was a very loving event.</p>

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<p>“Out of curiosity, do most people think a pot-luck reception is tacky?”
Absolutely not. Ultimately its about friends, family and love. The best weddings Ive been to have been home-made family affairs. And I will take my cooking over some over priced hotel caterer"s ANY DAY.</p>

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<p>I agree with NSM. Also, I have been to a wedding in someone’s apartment where only tea (no cake) was served. I also have been to a church wedding where there was a wedding cake, some mints at each table, and coffee. I think those weddings are nicer than asking the guest to bring a dish, though the one without a wedding cake was a little bit strange too.</p>

<p>I have gotten the goodie bag. I think they are mainly to say thanks for coming, I know you had a long trip and here is a snack if you are hungry. If you are not hungry take it with you when you leave for your trip home.</p>

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<p>Agree with you, Mathmom, that the goody bag thing is not what I am used to. I suppose it is a hangover from the goody bags that your kid got when he went to someone’s birthday party.</p>

<p>One thing that I’ve seen at every wedding I’ve attended recently: there is some little thing that I’m supposed to take home that has the bride and groom’s names on them and the wedding date. I’ve seen bottles of bubbles, chewing gum (whose wrapper had a little saying about sticking together), chocolate rosebuds, a clear conical plastic bag filled with cocoa and marshmellows, even a bottle of soda with the wedding couple’s photo on it. </p>

<p>I seems to me that those little ditties are a lot of work and don’t have a lot of bang for the buck.</p>

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<p>I have only lived in the NE my adult life, so most of the weddings I have been to are all up here, or more specifically in NYC. What’s annoying to me is to have the church service 3-5 hours before the reception. Well, what am I suppose to do all dressed up for 5 hours(coming from NJ)? Those receptions are usually over the top - champagne, all you can eat seafood, five course meals. Italian and Jewish weddings are the worst when it comes to food, it’s just non stop. Chinese weddings generally do not involve a church service, and they’ll invite 500+ people (the whole Chinatown) to the reception. When my brother got married, I asked my SIL if she knew all of those people. She said no, but they were all connected some how and they would have been insulted if they weren’t invited. Chinese are into giving the Red Envelopes (money) at the wedding. There was so much money at my brother’s wedding, they had to hire 2 bodyguards. The money they received more than paid for the wedding.</p>

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<p>I agree with NSM re potlucks. Our wedding reception had about 45 guests and I cooked all of the food myself with help from my sister, except for the cake. While working full time and flying around the continent for work during the preceding weeks.</p>

<p>Now, I think that if a small group of the B&G’s friends got together and OFFERED to do the reception for them, that would be very nice and very loving. But inviting people to come to a wedding and then informing them that it is a potluck doesn’t sit well with me.</p>

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<p>

I think it would depend on the couple and the circumstances. I would be thrilled to help a young couple out if that’s all they could afford and only family and very, very close friends were invited. But anything past that and I’d think it was tacky.</p>

<p>Another tacky thing: I just received a “save the date card” from a couple that was addressed to my husband “and guest”. Okay. We’ve been married for 30 years. We’ve known the groom since he was 7. If you can’t follow simple suggestions for how to address an envelope, I suggest you not send out “save the date” cards. It’s not like I don’t know when they’re getting married anyway.</p>

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<p>3bm103, I guess it’ll be up to your DH to decide which guest he is going take to the wedding! LOL!</p>

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<p>As mad as I was about it today, I may suggest he take someone else :)</p>

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<p>I don’t blame you for being mad, but honestly, I would be ROFL with tears streaming down my face because I was laughing so hard!</p>

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<p>Speaking of “and guest”. I gather from speaking to young people today that they interpret “and guest” to mean they can bring anybody they like. I was always under the impression that it meant a date. In other words…a member of the opposite sex, unless of course, one is gay. But the kids think it means just anybody. They say that sometimes people have to limit how many people they invite because of cost, so there are friends of the bride or groom that don’t get to be invited, so they go along with someone who was invited, as a guest. Anybody else hear that?</p>

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<p>Hmm, I guess the pot-luck thing does depend on how well you know the couple. If they’re close friends, then bringing food could be seen as an intimate, sharing gesture. If they’re not close friends, then it’s a little weird to be so loosely “hosted.” </p>

<p>ellemenope, I’ve noticed the wedding favors too. I agree they’re kind of useless, but I like them anyway. I always take mine home and then argue with my husband about when it’s ok to throw it away :-)</p>

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<p>My husband and I celebrated our first anniversary a week ago Monday.</p>

<p>For our wedding, we did have a website, but it was entirely informational. It contained all our engagement pictures that faraway relatives had been clamoring for, as well as brief bios of myself and my husband for our family and friends who were only very close to one or the other of us. It had our story of how we met and of how he proposed. Because people requested it, I put up registry information on the site. I also included information about the ceremony and reception, and why the locations had significance for each of us.</p>

<p>We didn’t do gift baskets for our out-of-town guests, but I did assemble folders with literature from the local Chamber of Commerce, lists and descriptions of our favorite restaurants and tourist attractions, some pre-stamped postcards, an invitation to a brunch for the Sunday after our wedding, and a list of contact information in case anyone needed to get in touch with us. We mailed these folders to our guests ahead of time.</p>

<p>We invited only the wedding party and immediate family to the rehearsal dinner, which was held at an intimate Italian restaurant (whose name is our new last name in Italian, incidentally).</p>

<p>Invitations were traditional, with pre-stamped RSVP cards.</p>

<p>We provided a plated dinner, along with kids’ and vegetarian options. Also for the kids, we hired two responsible college-aged babysitters and provided snacks and juice and a quiet area where they could watch our favorite Disney movies. We provided paper and crayons for the small children to occupy themselves during the lengthy Catholic wedding mass. Wedding favors were Legos (Duplos for children too small to play with Legos), and everyone had a great time pooling their resources at their tables and creating epic sculptures. =)</p>

<p>In the bathrooms, I put little baskets with stain removers, kleenex, advil, tums, safety pins, batteries, bobby pins, hair ties, and other necessaries.</p>

<p>Obviously, all guests received heartfelt thank you notes for any gifts they sent, but I hope that goes without saying.</p>

<p>It took a lot of footwork and careful planning and diversion of resources that might have bought a nicer cake or more flowers or a prettier dress, but as a result of taking good care of our guests, everyone was happy and had a great time, so we were able to be happy and have a great time. I’m big on being a good hostess. I get the sinking feeling that I’m increasingly in the minority. I don’t know whether etiquette is being updated to reflect the current times, or whether it’s just becoming more acceptable to discard good etiquette. I hope that’s not the case.</p>

<p>PS- My father’s cousin’s wife insisted a week before the wedding that her son be able to bring his girlfriend (her family already took up a table of TEN at our 200-person wedding) and threw a hissy fit when I said that we didn’t have any room.</p>

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<p>3bm103, yes I’ve heard of another friend coming along as the “guest”! That seems so strange to me – if you have enough room for two people, why wouldn’t you invite two friends instead of one friend plus an unidentified guest? Is it considered rude now to send an invitation without allowing the person to bring a guest?</p>

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<p>My son is getting married in June in Florida (fiance’s hometown is Key West), so while it is a local wedding for her and her family, it is a destination wedding for us.</p>

<p>We are planning the rehearsal dinner and are planning to invite out of town guests. The wedding is going to be small, just close friends and family, so it won’t break the bank.</p>

<p>I’m working on finding a fun venue.</p>

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<p>“It took a lot of footwork and careful planning and diversion of resources that might have bought a nicer cake or more flowers or a prettier dress, but as a result of taking good care of our guests, everyone was happy and had a great time, so we were able to be happy and have a great time. I’m big on being a good hostess. I get the sinking feeling that I’m increasingly in the minority. I don’t know whether etiquette is being updated to reflect the current times, or whether it’s just becoming more acceptable to discard good etiquette. I hope that’s not the case.”</p>

<p>It sounds like a lovely wedding, and it sounds like you were a very considerate bride.</p>

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<p>"I just received a “save the date card” from a couple that was addressed to my husband “and guest”.</p>

<p>Does your husband pose as a single man?</p>

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<p>@aibarr: I just saving a copy of your post as “how to host a wedding.txt” for future reference. Thanks so much for posting in such detail. How very thoughtful you were, so considerate of the people who were coming to your celebration. Your husband must be a very happy man!</p>

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<p>I bit the bullet and called this great place on Sugarloaf Key, Mangrove Mama’s, to see if they did rehearsal dinners and they are going to do it!!!</p>

<p>Yay! I was so worried that I wouldn’t find a fun place to have the party, but it totally worked out better than I could have hoped!! It has the perfect vibe and ambiance for the beachy island wedding they are planning. Hip Hip Hooray!!</p>

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<p>aibarr, I read your posts in the engineering forum and am always impressed by your responses. I appreciate the help you give to everyone–myself included. Thanks for sharing about your wedding. It seems that you are not only meticulous in everything you do, but also a very thoughtful person. :)</p>