“South African” is “South African American,” when it’s that mix.
Don’t let the side chat distract. I agree with Consolation in 113.Just get your letter writers lined up. If you find that invasive, then don’t and take your chances. This isn’t making it harder for kids like your son. They’re just asking for some confirming info. I see no need to fret too much or worry about the generous colleges trying to avoid legit aid. They made that commitment long ago.
Yes, people get divorced for aid. But that’s not OP’s circumstance. And colleges are savvy to it. As they should be.
Divorce doesn’t negate the obligation. If OP doesnt have contact, she doesn’t. Why speculate this is set up against her? There’s a process, she hasn’t even begun it. Far too soon to assume it will fail.
@lookingforward I am trying to think who could write those letters. We don’t have a clergyman. We don’t have a family doctor (because just go to the hospital when sick). I don’t know if my son has spilled the beans to any teachers at school. I think I might have mentioned to the school principal that their father was out of the picture when he called me Mrs (My ex’s last name) and I might have slightly bit his head off (I didn’t realize who was calling - oops). But I don’t think I went into so much detail explaining that his kids haven’t seen him in 11 years and so on. There must be someone, but I am drawing a blank right now.
You have several months to work on this. How about an accountant? If there’s no existing relationship, start one now, (I need help with college finances, get no help from the ex.) Work it.
I realize many of us don’t share all details with others. But you have a goal, no?
I have a fiend who’s got amazing perspective on aid. Something came up in our finances, she walked me through some good advice. Then basically said, now hike up your pants and get to it. I was worried but she was right. Think about what you can do.
The reality is that even if my ex was a solid member of the upper middle class (which is doubtful) in Kenya (where I think he is now) his income would amount to peanuts “The African Development Bank defines the African middle class as those spending between USD 2 – USD 20 a day, Pew Research Centre as those earning USD 10 – USD 50 a day and categorizes those who earn USD 20 – USD 50 a day as the upper middle class, South Africa’s Standard Bank defines the middle class as those earning USD15 -USD115 a day while Kenya National Bureau of Statistics as those spending KES 23,670 – Ksh 199,000 on a monthly basis (USD 8 – USD 64 a day for a 30 day month when the USD 1 = KES 103).” So, if I could find him and get him to report his earnings, I am pretty confident it wouldn’t hurt my son’s chances of getting financial aid. I have nothing to gain by claiming he is a deadbeat dad - he just is one and there isn’t anything I can do to change that. Would it help pointing out to the financial aid offices that the average Kenyan income is peanuts by American dollar standards? 
No because
Why wouldn’t it make sense? They currently do make such boasts, while screening out most students with divorced parents from getting their generous aid, which keeps their financial aid cost down. That looks better on the surface than having what appears to be a less generous financial aid policy or being need aware in admissions.
For the sort of colleges I think you mean, they know international demographics. Your CSS Profile will show your details and there’s room for your own comments. If the reality is no contact, the waiver is a way to attest to that. I see no need to educate them to the world situation. If you really don’t even know his address, there’s no contact, that’s your basic point.
I’d also start talking to the principal, yes.
This is purely my baseless speculation; People have tendency to be good and do good things, and they are genetically designed to become happy to do so. Intentionally making it difficult for the kids to increase the publicity is immoral at the least, if not illegal. Doing it in organized way further increases the immorality and illegality. When things go south, involved officials could be personally responsible, morally if not legally. There are so much price to pay overall, which outweighs the benefit. Therefore I don’t think it is an economic choice for the policy maker.
I believe that people always try to make an economic decision. This doesn’t seem to be economic. So that’s why it doesn’t make sense to me.
And I found an alternative, a more plausible explanation on their motive, which was explained in #123.
On the other hand, playing with admission statistics provide much greater return in terms of college rating, while has less morality implication as there is no direct personal victim. It may also provide larger personal profit for who is responsibility for the rating. The price and benefit are better balanced. And we know for the fact that people have flipped in the past for this case.
When I try to advocate for my child to some school officials for some unusual favor or making exceptions, I assume two things. 1. They generally want to do do good things and help my child. 2. But they have a stronger desire to C.Y.A. so I have to take care of that problem for them.
And it has worked well so far.
The letter doesn’t have to be from someone who has detailed knowledge of your history. You can ask the high school counselor to write about what she knows: “I’ve known the student for 2 years and have reviewed his file. His mother is listed as his only parent since 2005. No other parent has requested any information on this child, attended any school functions or activities, participated in any way.”
You also said your divorce references no appearance by your ex., no visitation was awarded, etc.
It doesn’t have to be one person or one document, but you need to back up the picture that you are trying to show the FA office. I know people who adopted and had to prove there was no non-custodial parent, and all it took was showing the adoption decree to a single parent. Easy, but they still had to go through the waiver process with each school.
I don’t know if your situation will be easy or hard to support, or if your son will be admitted to schools where it will make a difference. You just have to follow the process and you are wise to get a head start on it.
Are you contending that MOST divorced couples include at deadbeat?
That’s pretty strong, I must say.
No.
However, it is unlikely that most divorced couples are both (a) cooperative, and (b) have good enough household finances after the costs of divorce (lawyers, setting up separate households). It is not necessary for either ex-spouse to be a complete deadbeat for the kids of divorced to be unable to get financial aid (or enough financial aid) for college due to non-cooperation by one or both divorced parents, or lack of money due to the divorced parents spending much of their money on lawyers to fight each other.
Going back to the OP’s case;
Insisting shared custody is a common divorce strategy to minimize child support payment in the U.S. If I were a single parent, I would be much happier for an unreachable former spouse over one who “had been” taking the child once per week but pays only legal obligations,
Purely for financial aid purposes only, of course. Such former spouse might still be good for the child’s emotional health.
I actually think, and hope, shared custody is not just for financial gain but to co-raise the children, to share the time between the parents and share the costs or raising the child.
Froom some comments, it’s kinda hard to tell what’s speculation and what’s fact.
LF, that’s a polite way of saying that some people are just pontificating about stuff they don’t know about.
Very few “know.”
Who says they “screening out most students with divorced parents?” Where’s this come from? This thread shouldn’t confuse OP. She’s already doing a little over thinking and some of the OT can be confusing. And, not relevant to her son’s situation.
I told my son he needs to talk to a teacher about it - one he likes. His Music teacher was on the same plane we were on last Christmas - going to the US for the holidays - so she clearly saw we are a family of three. She also saw me - again alone - at the parent teacher conferences. I know she is one of his favorite teachers, maybe if he hasn’t already told her anything he can now. The divorce and custody is from an Islamic Sharia family court so it doesn’t have the exact same language as an American document would. It rambles on about me for a while and how he has deprived me of my physical rights (by being gone so long) and then how I am considered the children’s guardian in his absence - children are considered the property of the father. In a divorce the legal rights over them and financial responsibility belong to the father alone. They will never terminate his rights, but they will say that I have the right to exercise them as if he doesn’t exist as long as he chooses to remain absent / missing. Normally the country I live in wouldn’t allow me to sponsor them for a residence visa, because a letter from the father would be needed to verify that he gives his consent. Based on the document I was awarded by the court though, they waive the need for that letter.
^ Wow. That’s all very interesting and mind bending for someone from the US.
I was talking to my boss about the whole application and financial aid nightmare. He said that if he qualifies, he is willing to write a letter as someone who has been aware of the situation with the non custodial parent for several years now. I think that will be okay for some of the schools, some seem to be more picky (at least from their instructions) about whom should write the letters.
On a different note, can any of you recommend some more affordable schools with good solid reputations? As I said before I don’t have to get my son into an Ivy league, I just want him in a solid decent school where he can get a respectable degree, that we can afford one way or another - hopefully through financial aid, but if we have to pay, then obviously, the more affordable it is, the better - we have no in-state option anywhere, unfortunately.