<p>Hi, parents! I’m currently a freshman at Brown University (as you may have guessed from my screenname). I recently had my first long period of staying at home, for three weeks over winter break.</p>
<p>I was wondering what perspective parents have about their kids returning from college. Do you relax your rules, since your kid has so much freedom at school? Do you treat the kid like a special guest at home, or like they’re just a regular part of the family again? Do you expect them to spend a certain amount of “quality time” with you? Is it especially hard for you when they go back to school?</p>
<p>We were always pretty laid back with our college son. (the one in college now) He had very few rules when he was a senior, because he didn’t need them. So there is really little change when he is home from college. And, yes, it was hard on me when he returned to college. I miss my kid! He is a lot of fun to be around.</p>
<p>We seem to have accidentally hit a happy balance: D is happy to be running her own lilfe, independent at school. Also happy to home with parents on breaks.</p>
<p>Only major point of conflict. She could stay up as late as she wanted, as far as I’m concerned, if she didn’t have events during the day that required carving time out of her schedule, assistance with transport, etc.</p>
<p>D left this morning. It’s been less-hard every time she goes back. There’s a trade-off involved: we miss her but we get our own schedules back. </p>
<p>She manages a good balance between friends and family and “quality time” isn’t an issue. </p>
<p>There isn’t any curfew per se but common courtesy is expected, as with anyone: when do you expect to be back?</p>
<p>N.B., D had a friend from Brown staying with us for three days.</p>
<p>We relaxed the idea of a curfew but, as I have a younger child in the house, I told my son that he could not come in every night at 3:00, never come home without alerting us to what was going on, etc…it was the old “I’m not running a hotel” routine. Also, that he needed to keep us posted a bit about his activities - would he be here for dinner, where did he think he was headed for the night. This seemed to work out pretty well. If he was going to be very late he would call. He was home for 5 weeks (still home actually!). </p>
<p>Because of the holidays, some skiing and the general length of his visit, I feel that we were able to spend some qualitliy time with him and he was able to spend as much time as he wanted with his friends. He is leaving Monday and I realized today that I am edgy because he is leaving and it makes me sad and unsettled when he is away. I really feel much better when he is here and worry a lot when he is not. I think it will be very difficult this time because the time period before return will be much greater.</p>
<p>No issue with curfew here. When she goes out in the evening it is to a friend’s house, for a tea get together at a bookstore, or, this past week, to a Philadelphia Orchestra concert. Never had a need for a curfew, as she always comes home at a reasonable hour after her event. </p>
<p>We did some joint entertaining of family friends, with which she was very helpful.</p>
<p>Our main issue is that when she is home she acts like the third parent for our 10th grade son. She buts into her brother’s life, meaning well, but gives him unsolicited and often unwelcome input. When H and I are discussing, at the kitchen table, some decision about level of privileges for son, she provides plenty of (again, unsolicited) free advice. She is also somewhat more “tuned in” to his life, and fills us in. Fortunately, son is the most good-natured one in our family – he just jokingly refers to the drop-off at college as the “getting rid of D” trip. He is happy to see her at home, but happy to see her return to her own turf. </p>
<p>D also tries to impose her – admittedly more healthy – lifestyle on her parents. She made a contract with me that she would thoroughly clean out her room IF I would take three exercise classes a week, and joined me for several (aerobic dance and BOSU). She tries to encourage more healthy eating and made vegetable-based dishes – despite her brother’s preference for meat & potatoes. If I dare eat something unhealthy, she gives me the glare.</p>
<p>We call her “the boss.” Always well-meaning (can’t argue with her agenda) but sometimes more of a “morally superior buttinsky” than we might prefer.</p>
<p>Our household runs differently - just the two of us, however, she continues a tight workout schedule, 6:00 a.m. practices, and 3:00 p.m. or 5:00 p.m. practices daily, even while on break, except for Sundays. The workout schedule forces its own limitations, so I have only one rule: as a courtesy, let me know the plan, if she’s getting together with high school friends and they intend to be out very late. </p>
<p>It will be interesting to see what changes come about next year - this is her fourth and final year of NCAA eligibility, and without the structure of the coach sending workout schedules, with accountability to teammates no longer present, I wonder if she will control her time as efficiently, or be as selective when choosing recreational activities.</p>
<p>No curfew. Haven’t had it for 2 years. I am lucky. I have a kid who takes time out to be with his old mom. I don’t have to ask.We enjoy watching a few programs on the TV, talking about computer stuff, going out to dinner and I even get to visit with some of his friends. He gets his hair cut for me. He is my tech consultant. I treat him as I always have.I am devastated for a day when he leaves. I get over it.</p>
<p>S left last night on the non-stop red-eye, a new experience. Curfew wasn’t an issue because he didn’t have a car and didn’t go out. His best friend who lives 5 minutes away came over frequently to play video games and watch TV. In high school he wasn’t super-social outside of school, in the sense of hanging out with friends. Mostly he re-bonded with his cat while he was home. She knows he’s gone, because she’s back sleeping on our bed instead of his.</p>
<p>No curfew since about 11th grade, but we do want to know ‘when to worry.’ My D spent her break doing art most of the day and sleeping 10-12 hours every night. I think she was catching up. She tends to need a lot of time to be creative and ‘drift’ mentally-- not easy to do in a boisterous college dorm. She went to a few parties and such but it seemed like her craving was for down time.</p>
<p>We had a ball with her home; it was really fun shifting over into the adult-to-adult relationship with only a sprinkle of maternal advice thrown in to keep it familiar. ;)</p>
<p>I love the way my kids have become/are becoming adults. Maybe that’s because I also have a very young one to satisfy my cuddle urges.</p>
<p>Jyber, how interesting…your D has streaks of being a “czarina.” </p>
<p>I do wonder where my D picked up this habit of pronouncing opinions. Hmmm. Maybe it’s what comes of going to a public high school. Who knows what they pick up there. Yes…that must be it.</p>
<p>S1 is a freshman at Brown, too. He is pretty much free to come and go; he has proven to be pretty trustworthy and wise about his behavior (no drinking and driving) so I don’t worry tooooo much. I think his social life has been extensive over the break, but as you know, you don’t go back for another week and a couple of days, so now, almost all of his high school buddies have gone back. He is keeping up his sleep-late schedule, which bugged me at first, but I have let it go. The real quality time is usually found in the car going somewhere (we are in the boonies and have to travel about 20 minutes to any stores) and that seems good. There have been a couple of good talks, including one about what that last course will be this term, which segued into what is important in life. :)</p>
<p>Are you having a good break? Feel like you are being allowed to have some space?</p>
<p>No difference at all first break - video games, late nights out with friends, and as for housekeeping - expectations that I will cook and do his laundry. The same strong bond and good times, the same overhead. </p>
<p>He flew back Wed night - and I do miss him, but at the same time am relieved that the family room is remaining tidy. It hasn’t been too long at a stretch that I haven’t seen him, and it won’t be this term either, since I’m going to Oxford to catch his musical at the end of February and then to LA in late March to hear his a capella group on their US tour. As long as my frequent flyer miles hold out and/or the airfares remain low, I’ll still be able to experience the “icing on the parenting cake” that I most enjoy, seeing my son perform.</p>
<p>No curfew for my daughter during her breaks but I do expect to be given some notion of her location late at night or a phone call if she is going to be out until the wee hours. I also expect her to treat the house reasonably well and not like her dorm room. “I am not running a hotel.” pretty much covers it. </p>
<p>D wasn’t around much this break because of final exams running until Dec. 23 and a planned ski trip with friends immediately after Christmas. We really did not have the chance to find our family rhythm. It was great to see her for the brief time that she was home. She headed off to study in Paris yesterday and will not be back until mid-June. I am grateful for internet access…we have some of our best conversations online. It turns out that her host family has high speed access - an unexpected surprise!</p>
<p>I came back to live permananently because of a transfer, so here goes…</p>
<ol>
<li><p>I’ve never had a curfew. If I’m up until 1:30 doing something, that’s how late it is.</p></li>
<li><p>I get left alone if I want to be, and can be with my mom if I choose to be. Nothing is forced on me.</p></li>
<li><p>However, I do have to pay the rent somehow. I am in charge of all the grocery shopping now that I am back. No big deal but I’m still a bit slow at it.</p></li>
<li><p>If I want to see my friends I can. No problem has ever come about with that either in high school or now.</p></li>
<li><p>I sweep my own floor and clean my own bathroom. While I don’t have to worry about laundry I do have to cook now and then.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>My S is a plebe at the US Merchant Marine Academy, so he’s pretty locked on as it is. But when he is home its time for him to unwind and, while his socks are all neatly in a row in his drawer at school, his clothes are all hung by color and you can bounce a quarter off his bed, when he’s at home his bed isn’t made and clothes are all over the floor. And I can also get used to “Yes, Sir” instead of “yeah.” </p>
<p>He can pretty much come and go as he pleases, but he still can’t eat the last of anything.</p>
<p>My d was just home after her first semester at a NYC school. She is my youngest, but the first to go so far from home, but we had little trouble “adjusting” as a family to her return. Mostly, we all sort of went out of our way to make time to spend time with her. We are a pretty close family and enjoy our time together a lot.</p>
<p>She and I had several good talks…no problems with curfew (we don’t have an extra car for her to drive, so I guess that helps!) and I do miss her TERRIBLY now that she is gone back to school, but am getting over that as I adjust back to my own scedule.</p>
<p>Our son is a youngster (sophmore) at the United States Naval Academy, and I echo what LFWB said about general neatness! </p>
<p>Last year the sleep schedule thing was a bit to get used to, with the 4 hour time difference to start with, and then the usual sleeping in, it felt like we never saw each other. This year our son was much more conscious of it and was careful to convert to Alaska time, which allowed us to spend much more time together and gave him more time with friends, etc., without them calling and waking him up at 3 pm. </p>
<p>We never had a curfew, etc. when he lived here, and the kids always ended up at our house anyway. They still do, whether DS is here or not! We seem to have turned into the place where you can always go to get a meal and hang out. Love it!</p>
<p>I have noticed that I sleep much more soundly when DS is home. Just an observation. And yes, it is very hard to see your kid go, but nice to get your own schedule back. And be able to see your floor without the videogame carpet…</p>
<p>Our biggest problem when our daughter was home was her sharing the car with her younger (senior HS) brother. Both thought of the car as their own so communicating their plans to each other took some getting used to. No curfew and actually, my Mom radar was turned off so much, that I stopped worrying and didn’t hear when she would come in. If she had ever shown signs of seriously bad judgement, that would have been different.</p>
<p>Like jyber’s daughter, ours also thinks she is the third parent to her younger brothers. She still has a lot of influence on her 12 year old brother, so much so that he sometimes calls her Mom and then embarrasses himself. She has something to say about what we wear, what we eat, what we watch, etc. etc. We still have documentaries and unknown (to us) movies coming in from Netflix that she put in the queue. As the only other girl in the house, I miss having someone to talk to the most.</p>
<p>We see our son fairly often so it is less of an adjustment when he is home for blocks of time. One thing that strikes me is that we are all so busy, that sometimes I wonder if he feels left out of our lives when he is home. We always seem to be coming and going. I try to once in a while be around to make him breakfast or lunch but he can pretty much fend for himself. On long vacations, I find myself worrying if he is getting bored or lonely compared to the constant activity and peer companionship at school.</p>
<p>I do still expect him to do things at home that he might not do at achool, like keeping the main parts of the house neat (i.e., not dropping things anywhere, not leaving dishes in the family room, helping with small chores). But his schedule is his own and he is free to come and go as he chooses. This is an easy “lack of rule” since he has never done anything that made us question whether this was appropriate. He does sometimes come home quite late but he lets us know where he is, etc. He does not drink or anything. Although there are always risks to being out late (other drivers not driving well etc.), they are just things that are part of life and we realize that it is pretty much out of our control.</p>
<p>We have a system with our son when he’s home: When he gets in, he turns out the light we leave on in the hall, so if we wake up during the night we can crack open one eyelid, and check that the light’s off so we know he’s back. He tells us if he does not expect to sleep at home. But, if he changes his mind at some point during the night and will not be home, he is to call and leave a message on the machine. That way, if we get up and are worried, we can check for the message.</p>
<p>He’s on a 4 am – 2 pm sleep schedule at this point in his life. We don’t make a point of attempting to alter that during the brief periods he’s home, as long as he shows some consideration, which he usually does, and is quiet about those 2 am snacks with friends in our kitchen. We also expect him to tell us if he plans to be there for dinner. </p>
<p>We had lots of nice family meals and discussions about his potential majors, since he must declare this semester. But this visit was a milestone of sorts: we don’t have specific plans for when we’ll see him next. He’s not coming home for Spring break and is hoping to get a job in NYC for the summer. Feels weird.</p>
She tends to need a lot of time to be creative and ‘drift’ mentally-- not easy to do in a boisterous college dorm. She went to a few parties and such but it seemed like her craving was for down time.</p>