For 30 years, I’ve had a close friend who has struggled with depression. It’s not a William Styron level of depression but there have been dark moments. We’re now both in our 50s and he’s in the grip of one right now. He’s been quite successful in his career (folks who work in his field, know his name) and has worked between the depressions.
He has a good life in terms of many friends and monetary success plus he’s close with his siblings…on paper, he has had a good life.
I’m worried about him this time. I should say as background that, yes, he’s seen many therapists and I believe he’s currently on medication.
But this darkness seems particularly dark. In general, he sinks into these times when he’s got a lot on his plate…that is, speaking engagements etc…he’s canceled everything over the past month.
He lives in another city but a weekend trip is possible (though he is telling me not to travel because he doesn’t feel like he can see anyone right now).
I’m looking for practical ideas here…after 3 decades, I realize this is the reality…what have you found works?
I think it would be kind of you to visit and just be with him for short amounts of time. Perhaps he would be willing to go for a walk or sit outside. Perhaps you could share a meal in his home or out.
I’ve been in your situation and have bitterly regretted even since not ignoring his discouragement of a visit and just going. Just go. Get a hotel room and visit him. Spend some time with him. Go for a walk, browse a bookstore or an antique store or an art gallery: whatever he likes. Keep it low key, but be there.
It’s that time of the year where the daylight is getting shorter and shorter, and rapidly. People who are sensitive to these changes can find themselves dusting off their light boxes as soon as mid-September!
www.cet.org is a great starting point for products that work, recommended further reading, etc. Dr. Michael Terman, big in the field of circadian rhythm studies is on the Board of Directors.
Terman is from Columbia U, and there is a page at the medical center for making an appointment and getting an evaluation. Any research hospital with staff studying mood disorders and circadian rhythm problems is a potential good starting point.
IF (!!!) this turns out to be one of the missing pieces of the puzzle for your friend, the good news is there is not much of hurdle in the follow through. A dawn simulator light is passive. A light box simply requires some follow thru of timing and sitting down in front of it every morning. It’s the kind of thing that even most depressed people find themselves able to do (versus, say getting on an exercise program).
Lastly, I think this age, 50s, is tough on a LOT of people. Not to dismiss his feelings, but on the contrary, I think depression can magnify “normal” low feelings of losing our youth, looking ahead and not liking what we see, etc.
The isolating himself is worrisome and a classic sign of a mood downturn. Would he be receptive to you just insisting that you’re flying out for a weekend visit?
I’m a fan of light therapy, meditation & other mindfulness practices, getting out to walk the dog every. single. morning, and recently, limiting myself to one drink per week. I find I function better when I have a routine. Not too demanding, but enough to keep me “on track”.
I’d visit. You can stay at a hotel so you can give him space, but I bet he’d appreciate that you made the effort, and if you went out and did something, it could help. A walk, a trip to a museum, a meal. Listening is always a great gift. It’s so hard to summon the energy for that kind of a visit – and that may be where he is in dissuading you – but it ends up being energizing in the end, so worth it.
And as @Midwest67 notes, this is a challenging time of life, even for people without a diagnosis. Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone. Personally, I have found that when I give voice to many of the things in my life that are a source of sadness, regret, concern – I find that everyone else I know who is a “peer” is struggling with the same. While they are still things to be reconciled in my life, understanding that they are “time of life” issues really puts them in in a different context.
It might also make you feel better to see him… Good luck to both of you.
Listening is good, but depressed people often feel that they literally have nothing to say, and sometimes that’s one of the reasons they don’t want to be around other people. Being with the person and making clear that there is no pressure to say anything at all – especially no pressure to make small talk – can be helpful.
I’d highly recommend helping your friend finding a DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) meeting near him. It’s a wonderful group which attracts people in the midst of depression, as well as those who have been there, have pulled out and are stable, and are paying it forward by continuing to go. If you do go to visit, perhaps you could do so at a time that would coincide with one of his local meetings and go with him.
There are a lot of cutting edge treatments out there that have been successful for some people who have treatment-resistent depression; sometimes when you’re in the midst of a severe depressive event, it’s hard to even garner the courage to look up resources and put a support system in place. Minds don’t work on all cylinders when in the midst of a deep depression, so sometimes people need guidance with the next steps they need to take.
And some people might find this difficult, but if he is really depressed, it’s always a good idea to ask someone if they’re having suicidal thoughts or ideations. Despite what some people may think, you will not be ‘putting an idea in someone’s mind’ by asking. If they say yes, please ask them if they have someone they can call if they feel like they are in danger to themselves.
I’d go if I were you. Stay in a hotel or Airbnb if possible. Make him healthy, desired foods. Clean his house. Do his laundry. Or, arrange these things. Listen to beloved music together. Or watch wonder movies like Wings of Desire. Or maybe mindless ones.
Just be a non-demanding presence (of course, you know that, but I’m just including it). Don’t expect him to have pleasure or express appreciation, and consider he might be ashamed. But you can be a caring fellow traveler.